Flirting? Suggestive? or just friendly/innocent?

[ThisUsernameIsMine]

I've hit a wall with my partner.  We are hugely disagreeing over his conduct with a female colleague.

Him (42) and me (35) have been together for 3-4 years, we have a daughter together, she is very young - 5 weeks old as I type this.

Background:  We have had mostly a lovely and exciting relationship.  Up until about a year ago when the arguing became a big factor, and as a result the sex life and intimacy was diminished.  We went to therapy and worked through a lot of it.  We didn't plan our daughter, but neither of us regret it, please don't make judgements about this, this isn't the topic I'm asking advice on.  Now more than ever, we just want the relationship on track.

The intimacy issues were, by his own admission, on his part.  He would barely touch me, wouldn't engage in anything sexual, imtimate, or playful with me for a long time.  He had trouble in the downstairs department.  I did discover he was watching porn and masturbating (a lot) during work trips away and this really upset me.  But that's another issue.

 

Here is the main thing that has us currently butting heads;

 

There is a female colleague of his who I always saw as a platonic friend, and nothing more.  In fact, he has even said in the past that his relationship with her was not great.

He now works from home due to Covid, which means all of his interactions with his colleagues are via video message or Skype messenger.

He was in a team call one day in July (I was about 6 months pregnant and we hadn't had sex for a couple of months, he admits he was scared to go there with me due to my pregnancy) and I saw him giggling quietly.  Nothing out of the ordinary, if I hadn't seen him also messaging someone on Skype during the work call.  And whats more, anytime I walked nearby, he would hide the Skype window quickly and almost ashamedly.  I made my excuses to be nearby his desk and saw that it was this aforementioned female colleague.  I had a suspicion something was up.  But stupidly, I left it to get in my head more than it should have done.

Recently, I confronted him about it and asked to see what was so apparently secretive.  He read the messages out loud to me as I didn't want to read them myself, it made me uncomfortable.  There were some funny memes and gifs thrown into the conversation as well, he showed me those for context.

Here is how the conversation with her went:

Him: "Omg maddie..  cheer the f*** up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  (Maddie was another female colleague, she was on the team video call at the time)

Her: "Please don't make me laugh hahahahahah"

Her: "But yes, I agree"

Him: Sends a gif of a crying baby

Her: "We should see who can send the funniest thing and still keep a straight face.  Or is that too risky with Sarah hahahahaha" (I don't know who Sarah is)

Him: "What, you chicken?"

Her: Sends a meme of a turkey with big balls hanging from its chin and the caption "My eyes are up here!"

Him: "You must get that a lot 😁"

Him: Sends a gif of a woman with big boobs jumping up and down

- I can't remember how the rest of the conversation went, but she didn't respond directly to the comment above -

Continued...

Her: "Oh no - I nearly lost it"

Him: "How I feel"

Her "This is so hard hahahahaha"

Him: "Thats what she said"

Her "I'm so glad Maddy said something I could laugh at,  I was really struggling to hold that in hahahahah"

Him: ".... thats what she said"

Him: Sends a funny gif

Her: "Stop trying to make me laugh hahahaha"

Him: Meme of a woman poking her tongue out and the caption "make me"

Her: 😁😁😁😁😁

Him: "You so avoided looking 😁"

Her "Maybeeeeeeeeee... hahahahaha"

Him: sends a gif of Miss Piggy playing with her hair

Him: "Someone else who plays with their hair"

Her:  "So yesterday I was the michelin man, today I'm Miss Piggy"

Him: I didn't say that.... why do you play with your hair a lot? 😁😁"

Her: "If I don't stroke it, no one will 😒"

Her: "Hahahahahahaha ffs"

 

I think the conversation continued like this for a couple of hours.

 

There are other conversations.  They seem to have built a good relationship, and I am pleased about that.  But some of the content makes me uncomfortable.  They message each other regularly (during working hours).

The reason we are butting heads over this is because I view this, in particular the comment about "you must get that a lot" as inappropriate.  He disagrees.  Says he was taking the piss out of her and it was meant to somehow offend her?  I don't believe him.  I think the motive was different.  He says his intent was innocent, and thats what should matter.  I told him it hurts to see how playful he is with her during a time when he gave me none of this kind of attention, or any intimate or sexual attention at all.

 

Thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, ThisUsernameIsMine said:

Him (42) and me (35) have been together for 3-4 years, we have a daughter together, she is very young - 5 weeks old as I type this.

 Up until about a year ago when the arguing became a big factor, and as a result the sex life and intimacy was diminished. 

He had trouble in the downstairs department. 

He now works from home due to Covid

Unfortunately there are a few interrelated problems going on. What were the arguments about that started a year ago? Are you working at home? 

1. Chronic discord

2. Preganacy/postnatal and adjustments to parenthood.

3. ED. lack of affection/intimacy

4. Working from home.

5. This hardly looks like 'working from home', it seems to resemble a chatroom full of flirting. 

Unless you address ALL these interrelated issues and not just focus on inappropriate "work" zooms, you'll never resolve the problems...

Rather than ask to see these silly flirting "working", conversations, ask  him to get off his butt and help out  more with household issues as well as child care. Do not let him use the 'working" excuse if he's just on there flirting and moaning about being stuck with a crying baby. 

Make sure he is equally participating in chores, errand and childcare because what he's doing is far from  "working" from home. Keep him busy with more productive activity. 

 

 

Edited December 19, 2020 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

The conversation was immature & inappropriate for a work place.  Comments like that come dangerously close to sexually explicit.  I don't think they are a threat to your relationship but they could get him demoted or fired. 

There's so much wrong in your relationship.  His interactions with this colleague don't even come close.  She could be gone from his life & your relationship would still be a mess.  You two need to communicate, fix the sex & figure out how to parent. 

[alphamale]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

The conversation was immature & inappropriate for a work place.  Comments like that come dangerously close to sexually explicit.  I don't think they are a threat to your relationship but they could get him demoted or fired. 

There's so much wrong in your relationship.  His interactions with this colleague don't even come close.  She could be gone from his life & your relationship would still be a mess.  You two need to communicate, fix the sex & figure out how to parent. 

^^^this

[smackie9]

Sounds like it's back to therapy, and talk about it, because just confronting him about it at home, isn't getting the message across. It's way too easy for him to dismiss. Remember we are not therapists we are just the general public here. We will cast an opinion of what we may see in this, but it won't solve your problem. That can only be done when you two sit down and discuss things openly and honestly, with his full focus.