shg23 Posted December 19, 2020 Share Posted December 19, 2020 Hey everyone! Im hoping someone can help me with this. I've literally asked everyone I know but I feel that everyone is too emotionally involved to give me a good answer. Its a bit of a long one so bare with me. My ex boyfriend and I met on the first day of university and were very on and off throughout the first year or so but officially got together last October. We had a great year, so many laughs and good times, went on holiday together, he spent christmas with my family etc. I was truly very happy with him. Around April this year, I brought up the fact that he hadn't told his family about me (his family is Muslim) after 1.5 years of knowing me. He was very defensive about this and never told them but I was so happy with him that I accepted it as something which would happen in the future. In september, after spending an amazing summer together, I began my year abroad in Spain. Personally I wasn't worried about our relationship suffering as a result of this. BUT around a week into me being there he began to bring up things which had happened in the period when we weren't together (I slept with someone else, however we had not been together for 6 months and he took me back 4 months after). He would begin to say things like 'I don't know whether I can do it anymore' or 'its disgusting'. For the first few weeks I allowed it and accepted the blame, but I really was very upset that he was being like this so long after we'd been together. I barely knew anyone in Spain and it was a really tough experience for me, especially because he was the one I usually went to for advice. After the first few weeks, it became a bit of a pattern. He would be ok with me all week with all the usual 'I love you's' etc but then on the weekend he would do it again. It began to get a bit more hurtful too. He called me a 'slag', he told me 'any girl could replace you', 'you tell me you love me too much', 'you cry too much', 'you carry yourself badly and give off a wrong impression' etc. The list could go on... Around mid October he broke up with me all of a sudden and then wanted me back immediately. I didn't want to break up so I took him back. We were then fine for a week and he did it again. This time I told him I wanted space, which he wouldn't give me. He would shout down the phone and if im honest, I was completely done with the whole thing so I just told him, stick with your decision. From this day onwards he began begging for me back. He blamed everything he had been saying and the way he was acting on something called ROCD (relationship OCD) and said he was in a really bad place mentally. Obviously I appreciate that but im not really sure how all of a sudden he realised these things. For all of November, he would tell me he loved me, wanted to marry me, im 'the one' etc. I never wanted to break up with him, so hearing all of these things really made me confused, as you can imagine... Now im very unsure what to do. He has apologised for everything he said and said he never meant it and it was just because of his mindset. He has said he will give me space to think. He is a lovely guy normally and as I said, I was so happy with him. However, he still has only told his Mum about me and not his Dad. He can't confirm when he'll tell his dad or if they would approve of me. Does anyone have any opinions of this or advice for whats best to do? I go back to Spain next week and I really am at a loss... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 19, 2020 Share Posted December 19, 2020 It sounds like he met someone else and was trying to give him "justification" to screw around on the weekends. He probably came back to you when it didn't pan out. Sorry, but you need to be done with this guy. There is zero excuse for verbal abuse there is too much water under the bridge for this to come back together in any healthy or sustainable way. Go and enjoy the best Spain has to offer. Put this clown in your rearview mirror. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumaza Posted December 20, 2020 Share Posted December 20, 2020 How old are you guys? Eitherway this doesnt sound healthy . Sleeping with someone else then tell someone you are into him makes no sense. But this believe is complicated. Best is to break up. It sound abusive and his believe got some strict rules ,even honor killing in some cultures. They not allowed to date none muslims. He may be just for fun with you. Or know how his family thinks about this. Its not word it.Dont keep going till this explode into more drama. Break up.Move on. Dont date this religion. Focus on your school and stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Pumaza Posted December 20, 2020 Share Posted December 20, 2020 you can forgive and move on to. forgive dont mean you have to stay. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 20, 2020 Share Posted December 20, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: It sounds like he met someone else and was trying to give him "justification" to screw around on the weekends. He probably came back to you when it didn't pan out. Sorry, but you need to be done with this guy. There is zero excuse for verbal abuse. I totally agree with this. Sure, you may have had some good times together but that doesn’t make up for his behavior. Unacceptable, by any standard. Surely there is someone else you can date who doesn’t bring this much drama to your life... healthy relationships don’t involve verbal abuse, infidelity, disapproving parents, and secretive partners. Edited December 20, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 20, 2020 Share Posted December 20, 2020 21 hours ago, shg23 said: , I brought up the fact that he hadn't told his family about me (his family is Muslim) after 1.5 years of knowing me. He was very defensive about this Sorry this is happening. He is most likely scheduled for an arranged marriage and/or will eventually marry within his own culture/religion. It's great you had a lot of fun together, however you must know at some level he's just sowing wild oats. Think of it as a fun adventurous chapter in your life, that you can now close. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. This way you can move forward and find more appropriate, local guys to date, if you want something long term Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 20, 2020 Share Posted December 20, 2020 Stay broken up. He can't handle the distance & he doesn't trust you. He thinks that you are cheating on him or will have too many opportunities in the western non-Muslim world. That is why he's fine during the week then acts out on the weekends (prime dating time). He misses you & resents the fact that you are not there with him. If you try to keep this together while you are away you will just get more of the same screaming fights & insults over the phone. Link to post Share on other sites
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