He's left his wife. but.

[ABernie]

The fact that there are no kids makes no going back more likely.  

 

But the visa!  Do you think he is going to have her deported after she found him having an affair and likely broke her heart.  

 

Think if that's the man you want to be with.  A man that would say awful things about you to save his a$$ when he was caught.

 

Many, many, -most-, all but 1 of us on here thought our affair would turn into our dream relationship.  It doesn't.  Statistically it's near impossible that it does.

The sooner you accept that, the sooner you get on with your life and meet the person who fulfills you.  

 

[Cookiesandough]

Yeah, I wouldn’t trust him either

[VD01]

14 hours ago, LadyThor said:

I feel like everyone is being really hard on him. And us.

He's gone home for Christmas and he's just sent beautiful flowers to my house - he must have spent a fortune. If he didn't intend on a future with me why would he spend money on me all the time? He used to buy his wife flowers but she nagged him for them. He sent these to me and I didn't even have to ask. He's always doing things like this to make me happy. 

For couples that have made it - where the MM leave the BS and marries the OW - is their age difference a factor? Is it more plausible that two people closer in age will make it? 

MM also sent  me a gift worth $600 for Christmas. But when I checked, he was busy talking to his new OW. He also sent her a gift although not as much. But if this was back then,  I probably will be extremely happy and think that I must be special.  But now I know it's not.

No matter how much you are receiving from him, it will still be nothing compared to how much her wife is receiving because they share properties. 

MM I think wants validation. No matter how much he gives to her wife, it will just be fine since it automatically comes with their responsibilities. Whilst the little amount they spend for OW already means a lot for OW.

[VD01]

On 12/21/2020 at 8:47 AM, sandylee1 said:

You need to figure out why relationships with married men are acceptable and not a line you shouldn't cross. 

I really would look within...because the resolution comes from you.

I hope commenters will actually stay on the topic. I noticed that when OW asked about something, there will always be those who will preach them about how awful they are for what they have done without actually answering the main question. Yes, it's bad. They are awful and they know it. But they still do it anyway. 

Would be better if there will be answer to the question  too before the preach.

Edited December 22, 2020 by VD01

[notbroken]

Even if you got with this guy how could you ever trust him?

Why do you date married men?  How do you feel about yourself for doing so?

You are associating with known liars and cheaters.  How can you expect that to end well?

Pick available men.  You'll have better results. 

 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, VD01 said:

MM I think wants validation. No matter how much he gives to her wife, it will just be fine since it automatically comes with their responsibilities. Whilst the little amount they spend for OW already means a lot for OW.

If this guy really married his wife because of a visa, it’s possible that there may be no love lost here. 

But then, what does that leave OP? A guy who was easily manipulated into marriage, who is actually defrauding the government, who is now preparing to leave this woman such that she will potentially be deported (how’s that for honouring commitments), and a guy who is lying and sneaking around behind his wife’s back. Not a real stand-up guy, I’m afraid. 

As to the sweet words, and the flowers, and the amount of money he has spent on gifts - that’s all fluff. I know it’s flattering, but don’t be distracted by his words or bouquets. Those are not the things to consider when making the decision of whether this man will be a good life partner. Rather, look at the above - that’s what you use to assess whether he will be a good life partner. What of his character, his values, his previous life decisions. I know you believe he is honest and trustworthy OP - because he has told you so - but you would be foolish to believe him when you know he is lying to and cheating on his wife. 

When people show you who they really are, believe them. 
Maya Angelou

Edited December 22, 2020 by BaileyB

[VD01]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

If this guy really married his wife because of a visa, it’s possible that there may be no love lost here. 

But then, what does that leave OP? A guy who was easily manipulated into marriage, who is actually defrauding the government, who is now preparing to leave this woman such that she will potentially be deported (how’s that for honouring commitments), and a guy who is lying and sneaking around behind his wife’s back. Not a real stand-up guy, I’m afraid. 

As to the sweet words, and the flowers, and the amount of money he has spent on gifts - that’s all fluff. I know it’s flattering, but don’t be distracted by his words or bouquets. Those are not the things to consider when making the decision of whether this man will be a good life partner. Rather, look at the above - that’s what you use to assess whether he will be a good life partner. What of his character, his values, his previous life decisions. I know you believe he is honest and trustworthy OP - because he has told you so - but you would be foolish to believe him when you know he is lying to and cheating on his wife. 

When people show you who they really are, believe them. 
Maya Angelou

That’s why he cannot be trusted. His story and his actions doesn’t aline with each other.

If they got married for Visa, then that only means it’s something they both agreed on. They both knew they are not really in love each other. If he knew she only married him for Visa and that there is no love between them - why is she gonna act like a suspicious wife? Why would he deny having an A? Why would he go on and keep secret about his plan of leaving her and everything about the A?

Him having to keep it a secret from her means this marriage is real. The relationship is real. It has nothing to do about her visa. She went there and married him because of him. So if he will just leave her like that, then he’s the worst.

He just made someone leave her country, far from her family and friends and went into a country where she knew nothing and no one except him. She trusted him and then he will leave her?

 

Edited December 22, 2020 by VD01

[Prudence V]

On 12/21/2020 at 11:43 PM, LadyThor said:

For couples that have made it - where the MM leave the BS and marries the OW - is their age difference a factor? Is it more plausible that two people closer in age will make it? 

There is 10 years between my H and me. His xBW was older than him - an age gap that just intensified over time. She was often mistaken for being his mother by people who didn’t know them. He and I are much closer in outlook, interests and values. 
 

Age gap may be a factor - but what I think is more of a factor in your case is the fact that your family won’t accept him due to the age difference. One of the reasons we “made it” was that everyone was very supportive of our R (family, friends, colleagues etc) and so we were never “alone against the world” - that makes a big difference.

[LadyThor]

On 12/22/2020 at 3:50 PM, BaileyB said:

If this guy really married his wife because of a visa, it’s possible that there may be no love lost here. 

But then, what does that leave OP? A guy who was easily manipulated into marriage, who is actually defrauding the government, who is now preparing to leave this woman such that she will potentially be deported (how’s that for honouring commitments), and a guy who is lying and sneaking around behind his wife’s back. Not a real stand-up guy, I’m afraid. 

As to the sweet words, and the flowers, and the amount of money he has spent on gifts - that’s all fluff. I know it’s flattering, but don’t be distracted by his words or bouquets. Those are not the things to consider when making the decision of whether this man will be a good life partner. Rather, look at the above - that’s what you use to assess whether he will be a good life partner. What of his character, his values, his previous life decisions. I know you believe he is honest and trustworthy OP - because he has told you so - but you would be foolish to believe him when you know he is lying to and cheating on his wife. 

No, they didn't have an agreement to defraud the government - they loved each other, she just needed the visa to stay.

He's putting in so much effort to make me happy and when I don't show enough pleasure he said he feels competitive to step up his game.

In the past week he's taken me to two hotel rooms, sent gifts to my house and brought back gifts from when he went home from Christmas. He also wrote me a letter outlining how important I am to him - he keeps surprising me at home to take me to work and in his letter he said he wants to give me the world. He said I make him feel aggressive in wanting my time and that he's trying to be a more open person. 

But he also said he's feeling really anxious and vexed - I just don't know why. He didn't have a good time at home over Christmas and I know this week was tough with work (we're in England and we were brought back for one day, then shut down). Do you think he's also feeling guilty? I think he's trying to slowly detach from his wife - he told her they'd see each other a lot but now he's not interested in doing that. I don't think she's very happy so maybe he's vexed because he's mad at her. 

[LadyThor]

On 12/24/2020 at 3:21 PM, Prudence V said:

There is 10 years between my H and me. His xBW was older than him - an age gap that just intensified over time. She was often mistaken for being his mother by people who didn’t know them. He and I are much closer in outlook, interests and values. 

May I ask how old you were when you two met? Sometimes the age doesn't bother me and then sometimes I feel like I'm pretty young and he's getting older. Plus I'm not sure how "together" he is for 36.

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, LadyThor said:

In the past week he's taken me to two hotel rooms, sent gifts to my house and brought back gifts from when he went home from Christmas. He also wrote me a letter outlining how important I am to him - he keeps surprising me at home to take me to work and in his letter he said he wants to give me the world. He said I make him feel aggressive in wanting my time and that he's trying to be a more open person. 

This is called love bombing. It’s not a reliable way to evaluate a partner. 

Quote

But he also said he's feeling really anxious and vexed - I just don't know why. I think he's trying to slowly detach from his wife. I don't think she's very happy so maybe he's vexed because he's mad at her.

Here’s the thing - you don’t know what’s happening in their marriage because you are not a part of their marriage. You also can’t believe a word he says because he is a known liar - he has lied to both you and his wife for a very long time now, while bouncing back and forth between you. 

You are trying to read between the lines, writing the story as you want it to be written... 

 

Edited January 10, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

On 12/19/2020 at 3:08 PM, LadyThor said:

  Do you think there's any risk he'll go back to her?

Unfortunately he never left. He's still married. 

[kxpxsc3]

My 2 cents coming from a person who's MM left his wife 'for me' - DON'T do it. Cut your losses now. There is no future with a MM, even if he moves out and promises the world to you. The truth is, you will likely need to learn from your own mistake, no amount of posting here or reading stories ultimately kept me from my ONE TRUE LOVE 🙄 but just keep what people say in the back of your mind.

My MM moved out but still acted married for a long time (albeit, there was kids involved). All the promises for our future faded away once we settled into a 'normal relationship.' No divorce was to be seen, no real investment into our relationship, just future faking to keep me around as long as possible. It was nothing but a painful waste of my youth. You need to see this man for who he is - he is a a liar and a cheat. When you are together he may be nice to you and seem like he cares about you, but if he is able to cheat on the 1 person he made a vow to, it really means nothing that he is being nice to you, he is NOT a nice person.  Yes some people can change but it takes a lot of distance, alone time, and hard work on oneself to do so. These types of men are not motivated to change because they are cake eaters. 

Edited January 10, 2021 by kxpxsc3

[Wiseman2]

Agree. The top prize you could possibly even win from this is a cheater, liar and snake.

All you know for sure about him is his capacity for duplicity and stabbing people in the back he proclaims to love.

[LadyThor]

5 hours ago, kxpxsc3 said:

My MM moved out but still acted married for a long time (albeit, there was kids involved). All the promises for our future faded away once we settled into a 'normal relationship.' No divorce was to be seen, no real investment into our relationship, just future faking to keep me around as long as possible.

How did things end for you two? Or are you still together?

[kxpxsc3]

30 minutes ago, LadyThor said:

How did things end for you two? Or are you still together?

Not together. We were on and off for a few years but he continued to avoid commitment and I finally smartened up that I was wasting my time but overall it was very painful especially the final ending - and it really could have been avoided by either not getting involved in the first place or breaking it off earlier.  Although he had a legal separation agreement, he never got divorced, never introduced me to his kids or family, or planned any sort of a future with me, whilst I gave him my whole life and heart. On the day to day he didn't treat my badly, very much the opposite, but there was no growth and it was clear he was taking advantage.  He wanted the benefits of a convenient girlfriend while saving face with his kids and family.

All that to say that even if good intention is there from these men, they are fundamentally flawed and driven by their own selfish needs. It really is all about them. With my MM it was always what is most convenient for him, his timing, his life, his wants. What I wanted and deserved didn't count or fit into his life.

[Amethyst68]

On 1/9/2021 at 11:57 PM, LadyThor said:

In the past week he's taken me to two hotel rooms,

England's in total lockdown, hotels are restricting visitors yet you manage to get two rooms? 

Quote

he keeps surprising me at home to take me to work

On 1/9/2021 at 11:57 PM, LadyThor said:

we're in England and we were brought back for one day, then shut down

If you're not working then how can he be showing up to take you to work? 

Again England is in total lockdown till mid February, do you not realise how irresponsible you're being?  Especially with the new strain of covid that's around? 

[LadyThor]

15 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

If you're not working then how can he be showing up to take you to work? 

Again England is in total lockdown till mid February, do you not realise how irresponsible you're being?  Especially with the new strain of covid that's around? 

He doesn't take the virus too seriously - hotels are open to key workers and we technically qualify.

Sorry - school got shut down but we're still going in to do remote teaching. But I got worried people would see us arrive at school together so we won't be doing that again.

[LadyThor]

On 1/10/2021 at 5:30 PM, kxpxsc3 said:

With my MM it was always what is most convenient for him, his timing, his life, his wants. What I wanted and deserved didn't count or fit into his life.

My guy seems the total opposite - he's so desperate to make me happy and will drop everything to be with me. His wife didn't stand a chance when the affair was still secret - I just had to snap my fingers and he came running. Now if I express any disinterest or displeasure he kind of falls apart. He seems to live or die by how I feel towards him. Is that normal? Is that a good sign?

[Allupinnit]

If he loves you so much why didn't he spend.Christmas with you?

[Allupinnit]

On 1/9/2021 at 6:57 PM, LadyThor said:

No, they didn't have an agreement to defraud the government - they loved each other, she just needed the visa to stay.

He's putting in so much effort to make me happy and when I don't show enough pleasure he said he feels competitive to step up his game.

In the past week he's taken me to two hotel rooms, sent gifts to my house and brought back gifts from when he went home from Christmas. He also wrote me a letter outlining how important I am to him - he keeps surprising me at home to take me to work and in his letter he said he wants to give me the world. He said I make him feel aggressive in wanting my time and that he's trying to be a more open person. 

But he also said he's feeling really anxious and vexed - I just don't know why. He didn't have a good time at home over Christmas and I know this week was tough with work (we're in England and we were brought back for one day, then shut down). Do you think he's also feeling guilty? I think he's trying to slowly detach from his wife - he told her they'd see each other a lot but now he's not interested in doing that. I don't think she's very happy so maybe he's vexed because he's mad at her. 

Gently, how could he be a good husband when he's got a girlfriend?  All of that attention, sweet gestures and physical affection are supposed to be hers and are vital for keeping a marriage alive after the honeymoon period wanes.  Would you be so quick to give up on your marriage to him?

I wonder if he was fully yours if you'd be happy.  You seem to like them when they're unavailable to you.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, LadyThor said:

 - he's so desperate to make me happy and will drop everything to be with me. 

Except his wife. He has to feed you a lot of saccharine lines, otherwise there's no hook to keep a mistress around.

[LadyThor]

13 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

If he loves you so much why didn't he spend.Christmas with you?

It's too soon for that - I was with my family, he was with his. 

[LadyThor]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Except his wife. He has to feed you a lot of saccharine lines, otherwise there's no hook to keep a mistress around.

No that's my point - she would ask him to spend time with her but he would just leave her behind so that he could see me. He'd leave the house to get stuff for breakfast and he'd take the time to call me. Sometimes his errand of 15 minutes would take him an hour because he wanted to speak to me. It's sweet really.

[LadyThor]

13 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

I wonder if he was fully yours if you'd be happy.

I feel like he's fully mine now. He's moved out, he's barely speaking to his wife. He wants to speak to me all day and night and misses me when we're not together.