Beca L Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 6 hours ago, Snakesalive said: I’m so sorry this happened, I’ve had a similar experience I hope you’re doing ok Thanks for the support, hope you are ok. I read your post earlier and you are correct in how you described your xMM. I came to the same conclusion with my xmm I didn't get to know the real man, the real person was the one that walked out on me and then continued to use me as his emotional crutch whilst he reconciled with his W. I read this yesterday and it is so true Cheating is called cheating for a reason. It’s not synonymous with ethical non-monogamy. There’s nothing ethical about it. And regardless of the many reasons he gives for lying to his wife (and you), there is really only one reason. It’s all about him and his notion of self-preservation. And in the interest of his own misguided self-preservation? He typically believes all of his own lies. That’s what makes it so easy for him to lie to you. WE deserve so much better and I hope we find that love once things get back to normal. Stay strong xo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 (edited) 8 hours ago, Beca L said: Thanks for the support, hope you are ok. I read your post earlier and you are correct in how you described your xMM. I came to the same conclusion with my xmm I didn't get to know the real man, the real person was the one that walked out on me and then continued to use me as his emotional crutch whilst he reconciled with his W. I read this yesterday and it is so true Cheating is called cheating for a reason. It’s not synonymous with ethical non-monogamy. There’s nothing ethical about it. And regardless of the many reasons he gives for lying to his wife (and you), there is really only one reason. It’s all about him and his notion of self-preservation. And in the interest of his own misguided self-preservation? He typically believes all of his own lies. That’s what makes it so easy for him to lie to you. WE deserve so much better and I hope we find that love once things get back to normal. Stay strong xo Absolutely-i wish we didn’t have to go through this but it’s so helpful knowing someone else really understands so thankyou. The self preservation is so accurate . my xMM actions were all about that . When he realised the reality of the situation -the end of the affair and the reality of us being a couple his focus was all about what he could do to smooth things out for him . ive researched the traits of people that are emotionally unavailable and the stages a narcissistic relationship go through really resonated with my experience-particularly the love bombing in the early stages to the discard at the end. From your experience how did you get through the break up ? What helped you heal the most ? Edited February 2, 2021 by Snakesalive Context Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 13 hours ago, Snakesalive said: From your experience how did you get through the break up ? What helped you heal the most ? I am thinking of doing an update as I don't want to use someone's thread to write about it. Can you receive message ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 On 12/19/2020 at 3:08 PM, LadyThor said: Can I trust him? No. Neither can his wife, nor his family. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 On 1/12/2021 at 3:01 PM, LadyThor said: My original question was can I trust him? Yeah, I've got him, but will he do the same to me? Is he really thinking clearly or is he just infatuated with me right now. Quite often, after D day, when the WS truly gets a taste of freedom, quite often, they don't stick with the OM/OW who got them out of the marriage. They want to explore that new freedom. Don't be surprised if yours is already putting feelers out behind your back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 On 12/20/2020 at 1:18 PM, LadyThor said: I'm not sure he has lied to me - do you think it's likely he has? I know he lies to her and to others but he always promised to give me 100%. He said the blonde hair was from his roommate/landlady. I did get really upset - I know it's possible it could be other girls but he has sworn I'm the only one for him. He lies to the woman he exchanged lifetime commitment vows with and yet you think he'll be honest with you, the girl on the side, because he has sworn and promised? Your ignorance is impressive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, vla1120 said: Quite often, after D day, when the WS truly gets a taste of freedom, quite often, they don't stick with the OM/OW who got them out of the marriage. They want to explore that new freedom. Don't be surprised if yours is already putting feelers out behind your back. Agreed this happened to me recently-I too thought I was special . I invested so much time into my affair with ex mm now he’s separated he chose to have the single life rather than the one he inferred would be with me . He claims he couldn’t cope with the reality of being with me and facing up to the reality he’d cheated abd the shame of everyone knowing he’d cheated Edited February 9, 2021 by Snakesalive 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted February 10, 2021 Share Posted February 10, 2021 On 12/20/2020 at 1:03 AM, LadyThor said: He's told his sisters he loves me and he talks about forever a lot. If he's moved out I don't see why that's not a sign he means that we'll be together. How do you know he has told his sisters this? Did he tell you that? What evidence do you have that he has told his sisters about you? I am only asking this because unless you have independent evidence, you cannot believe what anyone is telling you. Sorry to be so negative but it's true. Link to post Share on other sites
NAB Posted February 10, 2021 Share Posted February 10, 2021 Some things have changed in recent years, but the old double standard of men cheating with you, but not wanting a cheater, however unfair seems to still be true in most cases. Link to post Share on other sites
25andcounting Posted February 10, 2021 Share Posted February 10, 2021 The fact that you’re asking us means you don’t trust him. You can’t. He is still married, I am sure he went back home with his wife for Christmas. He meant something for her to confront him and showing up where you are on a date. Don’t let him water that down with a visa story. My husband and I are 8 years apart. I was married with two children at 24. We got married at 21 and 29. It’s been hard but we are still together. He cheated on me six years ago when our kids are grown. It is the most devastating and horrific thing a spouse can do to you and your were complicit in her pain. Trust me when I tell you that you don’t want to feel this at the hands of someone you love. Our daughter is 26 now. If she was in your shoes, I would tell her to get into therapy and find out why she needs to be with married men. It’s demeaning to her and preventing her from finding someone worthy of her affection and time. She isn’t someone’s secret. Please know you are better than that. He’s love bombing you now because he needs you to stay. Until he goes back to his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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