Husband bouncing between wife and AP

[Angel_8764]

So I’m gonna start with a little bit of history me and my husband have been together for 15 years as of February and we've been married for 10 years. We have three beautiful daughters together ages 3, 6 and 10. We have always had a relatively easy relationship we don’t fight or argue we're usually able to talk calmly about things that we need to come to an agreement on. Three years ago my husband cheated on me and it wasn't the first time that it happened it was right after we had our third daughter in at that point I emotionally shut myself off. I became very depressed and me and my husband’s sex life suffered. At that point in time I didn’t have anyone that was willing to babysit our children while me and my husband went out. And so when activities would come up like my husband wanting to go on a motorcycle ride, Or go out fishing for the day with the guys, or go to car meets, I would tell my husband to go ahead and go and enjoy himself so that we wouldn't both be stuck at the house. He felt like I was pushing him away and didn’t want to do anything with him and in my eyes I wanted to allow him to still go out and do the things that he loved even though I wasn’t able to go with him. I have always felt like as long as my children are happy and my husband was happy and enjoying himself that my heart was full and I’ve always been willing to make sacrifices on my end to make sure that nobody else had to, I felt that was my way of showing how much I loved them. The beginning of October I scheduled the doctor appointment for myself because I realized how bad my anxiety and depression had become. I was feeling overwhelmed with housework and working part time in since covid had started and the kids were on remote learning I felt like everything was building up. So the beginning of October I started an anti anxiety and depression medication at that point my husband had started talking with another girl. My husband is 32 and I am 31 and this other girl is 18. Now my husband left me and our children for his affair partner, it took him five days to contact our children. He was gone for about a week, he came to visit our children and I tried to give him his space, but he wanted me and the children to sit down and play a board game together. And then we had dinner together and put a movie on and I walked out of the room because I was upset. He came into the room and gave me a hug and said I know you don’t want this but I do. And then he left and on Thanksgiving Day he came over and hung out with me and the girls for breakfast, and told us that he'd be having dinner elsewhere. He skipped out on Thanksgiving dinner with his kids to have Thanksgiving dinner with his affair partner. He came over the next day to say he loved me and he missed me and he wanted to work on things and that he'd like to meet with a marriage counselor. He said That he loved me and didn't understand what it was about her, if he was excited about something new he wasn't sure if he actually had feelings for her. I had asked him if his feelings for her were stronger than his feelings for me and he had said no. I had told him that he needed to do what made him happy even if that meant not being with me. I had also told him that if he felt that strong of a connection with her and that he needed to pursue things with her to do so. That he could not keep bouncing back and forth and he had to make a decision on which relationship he wanted to work on. On that day he asked our kids what they thought about him moving home and working on things with me and him. And of course they were excited they wanted Dad to come home. So he came home for four days had sex with me He had talked to me about how sex with me was better. He had told me that the affair partner had to go to the hospital because they had had sex too rough and she was complaining about pain Ann that I was more of a woman than the affair partner was, and on the 4th day He said that he needed to bring the affair partner her belongings. I had told him I was uncomfortable with him being alone to bring them to her and he told me that I needed to trust him and that he'd be home soon. He called me a few hours later to tell me that he wasn't coming home that he had made up his mind that the affair partner filled the void for him that he felt When he was at home. He then left again for a few weeks, but wanted to go Christmas shopping for our children together which I usually do on my own because my husband is not a shopper. And so we went Christmas shopping and had a bite to eat and his affair partner was messaging him when are you going to be back where are you what are you doing. He talked to me about his frustrations for his affair partner and how she didn't give him space and how she punched him and how she had mood swings and she didn't trust him. He once again said that he wanted to meet with a marriage counselor and work on things. I asked him if he was sure that was what he wanted if he really felt like things between him and his affair partner were over. He said yes that our marriage was what he wanted that he missed me that he missed our children. I had also recommended to him that he take a few weeks to himself without contacting me and without contact to the affair partner, so that he could really reflect on what he wanted in life. He has not done this at all and I feel like it’s because he doesn’t want to be alone. So he came home again and this time he was home for eight days. He enjoyed time with me we played video games together had dinner in bed together, had enjoyable sex together. He said that he was not going to stop talking to his affair partner that they were just friends.  He had told her he needed space to figure things out and she found out he was home working on things with me and had told him that she just wanted to be friends. She had sent him pictures after she cut herself of her bloody sheets and mattress. She told him that it wasn’t because of him she didn’t know why she did it. She has also sent pictures of herself crying because she was miserable without him. At the beginning she had sent him a text saying that she was going to wrap her truck around a tree and that he better tell everyone the truth. She is also text him saying that she was starting her morning off with alcohol because she was miserable. On Wednesday while I was at work they had sent Snapchat pictures back and forth with a total of 20 plus pictures. So on Thursday morning I woke up to my husband Snapchat dinging dinging dinging and he said it was our friend who was in the living room and it was not it was from the affair partner. I had already previously told him that it was frustrating that they talked from first thing in the morning all the way up until bedtime every night. That I felt like we needed a break from the affair partner so that we could focus on ourselves. He wasn’t willing to talk that morning and so I was texting with his sister who knows what’s going on. I was talking to her about my frustrations on them sending pictures back and forth an I had made the comment that I wish the affair partner would just croak. I was not wishing death upon her, more along the lines of I just wish she'd disappear from our lives. When I fell asleep my husband read the messages and got really mad and took a picture from his phone and sent it to the affair partner. When I woke up I could tell he was mad and I asked him to talk with me. He then preceded to tell me that he doesn't have feelings for me that he hasn't had feelings for me for the past three years. He said that he only came back for his children. My husband is also someone who doesn’t spend much time with his children he hibernates in our bedroom playing video games. He’s not one to go to the swim lessons or the basketball games, he doesn't bring them to the park or do crafts with them. The only time he’s interested in doing things with the children is when it's things that interest him. Like bringing them to a burnout competition or working on cars or going fishing.

My husband says that he still wants to meet with a marriage counselor but we have to do so with an open mind. He currently wants to live at home but be in a relationship with his affair partner. My husband was also diagnosed with depression the beginning of November in the doctor started him on medication which he was taking until about 5 days ago and stopped completely. I’m feeling really confused on what I should do. I also feel like she’s manipulating my husband by sending pictures of herself harm and pictures of herself crying And talking about how she starting her morning with alcohol and wrapping her truck around a tree.

My children have now learned what is going on. Last night while I was at work he had our children say hi to his affair partner on the phone over video call. My children came to me this morning after my husband had left to tell me that they were uncomfortable saying hi to her after me and my husband had agreed that our children were to have nothing to do with her at this point in time. I am uncomfortable was someone in her mental state having any influence on our children. Our children are also currently frustrated with my husband and with his affair partner for the bouncing back and forth and the lying.

So my questions and concerns

Is the affair partner manipulating my husband?

Would marriage counseling be beneficial to me and my husband?

He says that I am his best friend, he says that I’m the most beautiful person he knows, that the sex with me is amazing, But now he does not have feelings for me anymore. But still wants to meet with a marriage counselor.

The children have told him that they would like him to focus on them and take a break from his affair partner and he informed them that the decision was not that simple.

I love my husband with my whole heart and I want to be able to show him how much I love him, I would like to meet with a marriage counselor and rebuild our relationship because we have so many things in common. But every time he comes home he stays in contact with his affair partner. And I feel like he feels pulled back and forth and each time he leaves he seems more sure that he no longer has feelings for me. But still wants to meet with a marriage counselor. He is also said that he doesn’t have feelings about anything anymore about work. About hobbies, about friends, but what he wants to do in life.

What should I do?

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Never blame yourself for another's dirty deeds

You need an attorney asap. Immediately file for legal separation/divorce.

You also need to file for child support on behalf of your children. You can't make a parent see thier kids but you must make them financially responsible for them.

You also need to contact a therapist to help you navigate and guide you through the divorce.

With an attorney and a therapist in your corner,it will help you.

Your husband seems like an overgrown child. This is why divorce and child support are essential for your and your children's wellbeing.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

If he's not willing to completely give up the affair, step up & be a father which requires doing things he doesn't necessarily want to do instead of what's fun for him, given the fact that he said he no longer loves you in a romantic sense, there is no sense of wasting time & money on MC.  You will need that money for the divorce lawyer. 

While you are talking & he's being "nice" draw up a property settlement agreement in the hopes of keeping divorce costs down but be done.  He's been out of the marriage for years now.  It's time you get your freedom. 

[Timshel]

6 hours ago, Angel_8764 said:

 We have three beautiful daughters together ages 3, 6 and 10. My children have now learned what is going on. Last night while I was at work he had our children say hi to his affair partner on the phone over video call. My children came to me this morning after my husband had left to tell me that they were uncomfortable saying hi to her after me and my husband had agreed that our children were to have nothing to do with her at this point in time. I am uncomfortable was someone in her mental state having any influence on our children. Our children are also currently frustrated with my husband and with his affair partner for the bouncing back and forth and the lying.

The children have told him that they would like him to focus on them and take a break from his affair partner and he informed them that the decision was not that simple.

What should I do?

 

 

 

 

😲 Whatever you two decide, please make every effort to keep your young children out of this.

Edited December 20, 2020 by Timshel
spacing

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Angel_8764 said:

He currently wants to live at home but be in a relationship with his affair partner.

Absolutely not, would be my response. I’m not waiting around for him to make a decision. He has actually already made that decision, he has chosen her when he brought her into your marriage. Which for me would mean, he does not get to enjoy the comforts of my home. I would have his stuff packed and waiting for him by the time he got home from work tomorrow. 
 

Quote

My husband says that he still wants to meet with a marriage counselor but we have to do so with an open mind.

Too late for that. He is not going into marriage counselling with an open mind, a remorseful heart, and the intention of reconciliation if he is still involved with his affair partner. So, what’s the point? You would be better to save your money because you will need it for the lawyers. 

Quote

I love my husband with my whole heart and I want to be able to show him how much I love him, I would like to meet with a marriage counselor and rebuild our relationship

You are a good and loyal wife, but the fact remains that it takes two to rebuild a relationship and have a marriage. And right now, you are only one. Your husband is otherwise engaged, and he is not in a place where he can do the work that is required, so you need to set your expectations realistically and plan accordingly. 

Timshel says, 

Quote

Whatever you two decide, please make every effort to keep your young children out of this.

Quote

My children have now learned what is going on. Last night while I was at work he had our children say hi to his affair partner on the phone over video call. My children came to me this morning after my husband had left to tell me that they were uncomfortable saying hi to her 

The children have told him that they would like him to focus on them and take a break from his affair partner and he informed them that the decision was not that simple.

Too late, he has already involved the children. I would have no patience for this if I was you OP. I would put this man out of my home and I would try my absolute best to limit their contact with him AND his affair partner for the time being. This is really unacceptable behavior for a father, in my very humble opinion. He is thinking only of himself, and he is putting the children in the middle of this whole affair. Unacceptable. 

I’m very sorry this has happened to you. I hope you will consider finding some support for yourself, find a good counsellor who can help you to deal with the emotions, assess the situation, and plan for the future. I hope you seek the advice of a lawyer... you don’t have to file for divorce, but with knowledge comes power. Even if you did file for divorce, you don’t have to go through with it. It may not be a bad idea to file, then he will know that you are serious and it takes the power away from him - he is no longer the person making the decisions. But most importantly, take care of those children... they really need you right now. 

Edited December 20, 2020 by BaileyB

[Timshel]

28 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Timshel says, 

 

Too late, he has already involved the children. I would have no patience for this if I was you OP. I would put this man out of my home and I would try my absolute best to limit their contact with him AND his affair partner for the time being. This is really unacceptable behavior for a father, in my very humble opinion. He is thinking only of himself, and he is putting the children in the middle of this whole affair. Unacceptable. 

But most importantly, take care of those children... they really need you right now. 

Agree BaileyB. I was thinking that the below is not 3, 6 and 10 yr. old speak. They will both need to set boundaries to protect the children.

8 hours ago, Angel_8764 said:

The children have told him that they would like him to focus on them and take a break from his affair partner and he informed them that the decision was not that simple.
 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Angel_8764 said:

Three years ago my husband cheated on me and it wasn't the first time that it happened

Would marriage counseling be beneficial to me and my husband?

Unfortunately marital therapy is not magical therapy. You're not going to turn a chronic philanderer into a decent honest man.

Edited December 20, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Angel_8764]

My 10 year old and my 6 year old are very mature for their age. They do not know the details of tbe affair, just that she is a friend. They know that he keeps leaving to go spend the night at his friends house. But they asked him to choose to stay at his friends or to stay at home with them.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Angel_8764 said:

. They know that he keeps leaving to go spend the night at his friends house. But they asked him to choose to stay at his friends or to stay at home with them.

Ok so he's already creating crisis, chaos and conflict in their young lives.

Stand up for yourself and your children and get an attorney and stop enabling the affairs. You need to get him to move out, not pop in and out like the weasel he is.🦊

[elaine567]

He is making an absolute fool out of you and you are allowing it.
He wants "marital therapy" to persuade you that allowing him to see this OW is the correct thing to do.
He has no intention of giving her or any other woman he may replace her with, up. He just wants you to be a good little girl and accept it, so he can continue having amazing sex with his OW and you sit at home looking after his kids as wife #2...
He keeps going back and fore as neither of you is really "enough".
When at home he gets bored and is looking for the excitement of the 18 yo, when with her he gets bored and wants to play the family man.
Both of you are being damaged by him and now he is damaging your kids too.
Both of you need to walk away from this selfish idiot.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

He wants "marital therapy" to persuade you that allowing him to see this OW is the correct thing to do.

Bingo! In other words, he is going into marriage counselling with an agenda. This, while suggesting that YOU need to have an open mind, because he intends to keep his OW AND continue live in YOUR home.

No, thank you. I would make an appointment with a lawyer, not a marriage counsellor. 

[mark clemson]

On 12/20/2020 at 12:03 AM, Angel_8764 said:

He had told her he needed space to figure things out and she found out he was home working on things with me and had told him that she just wanted to be friends. She had sent him pictures after she cut herself of her bloody sheets and mattress. She told him that it wasn’t because of him she didn’t know why she did it. She has also sent pictures of herself crying because she was miserable without him. At the beginning she had sent him a text saying that she was going to wrap her truck around a tree and that he better tell everyone the truth. She is also text him saying that she was starting her morning off with alcohol because she was miserable. On Wednesday while I was at work they had sent Snapchat pictures back and forth with a total of 20 plus pictures. So on Thursday morning I woke up to my husband Snapchat dinging dinging dinging and he said it was our friend who was in the living room and it was not it was from the affair partner.

Is the affair partner manipulating my husband?

Would marriage counseling be beneficial to me and my husband?

What should I do?

I think he's fallen for the "allure" of a slightly crazy woman. There's a thing known as trauma bonding and I suspect they have something like this going on. Yes, she is manipulating him but he is letting himself fall for it AND you are permitting it, no doubt out of fear of breaking up your family.

Although this is no doubt a VERY difficult situation for you (unless you are somehow actually ok with it?), I would both going to the marriage counseling AND growing a spine. Without doing both IMO this will continue. I don't recommend you divorce, but it may be a reality that if he doesn't think there is a very real prospect of losing you, having to separate + deal with the financial hit he would take, and then NOT have you to fall back on while he deals with cray-cray, he won't stop. Cray-cray is alluring, I suspect, UNTIL he's faced with the prospect of ONLY having cray-cray, and which point he realizes - he's stuck with cray-cray. Part of him may want that, but I strongly suspect the rational part of him DOESN'T. He just wants to cake-eat.