Miss My GF After 4 Months of Breaking up

[Tom_]

Before you read this, please don't judge me. I've seen so many posts on the internet where people just call the man dumb or an ***hole. I would like to learn. If you have nothing good to say, please don't comment unless its constructive criticism. Thank you. 

 

I met the most amazing girl that I've ever met and it was the best relationship that both of us have ever had. We're both 18, I'm a guy and she's, of course, a girl.

Everything was perfect, her parents used to tell her all the time how cute we were together throughout the relationship. This lasted for about 9 months. Everything started to go downhill at around a month before our broke up.  I have a lot of trust issues, and I was ALWAYS nervous being around her at school and talking to her. This comes from a type of OCD that I was diagnosed with which gives mental instead of physical compulsions like intrusive thoughts. Very bad timing to get into a relationship, but she really helped me out. After a month or two, I was able to open up to her and she helped me with this disorder. I started to also become a less nervous and anxious person.

Looking back at it, at a month before the breakup when things started to go downhill, it was because I wouldn't say everything that was on my chest. Our days together were just stale. I wasn't being myself and I wasn't saying everything that came to mind. It was very tough for me at the time to do that. I remember though, about only a week before the breakup, that we had a perfect day and that's because I wasn't nervous. This makes me think that there was some potential. But I did it so suddenly because I was tired, and to her it seemed out of the blue and to my friends also. This led to anxiety creeping into the relationship, which is never good. I was afraid to try new things in bed, give my opinions on what I wanted to do instead of saying yes to whatever she wanted to do, etc. I should still do things for her if I don't really like it but it would everything to her, but this was the case with everything. After a while it could be frustrating.

Also, she's more dependent than me. She would always like to hang out daily, but I needed my space. We discussed about this once but I didn't say how it truly affected me, and we sort of just forgot about it when we should've came up with a plan. If we hung out daily but didn't mind that I played games or worked out every once in a while then maybe that could have been a compromise, I feel like that could've worked. She also told me that it was because we're in quarantine, which could be true since we hung out twice to three times a week when there was school, which I found perfect.

She was also not the most proactive. She was lazy with homework and getting good marks or making food like she would grab any snack from the cupboard instead of maybe making a healthy good meal. These things are like the complete opposite of me. Now, the friends that we share sometimes talk about her which doesn't really sadden me anymore when they mention her name, but they said how now she's studying to get into the higher level math and she's more proactive like going to the gym which I tried to help her to do but had no success and making good meals like eggs and fruits for breakfast.

I also felt like I was changing. She wanted me to change her nickname on Snapchat, change my hairstyle, insist me to by certain clothes because she said they would look good. When these things happened it didn't seem like a big deal, but they all added up and I wasn't who I wanted to be. I was frustrated t'ill the end of the relationship because I wanted to shave my head yet she said she would be mad if I did and liked my long hair. However, I didn't know how much this affected me until after the breakup, and this is something that's fixable if we talked about it, but we never did once.

I didn't try or talk about ANY of these things. I discussed my personal problems at the beginning of the relationship but not about those damaging the relationship. Now I see that these problems are fixable if I actually fought for the relationship. The problem with my OCD is that it made me constantly look for perfection in everything and look at everything with full certainty and truth. The smallest things triggered me but looking back at it, I'm pretty sure that I could look over it because it would be worth it. I would constantly worry about if she'll be successful when she's older and all of that when I should not.

I saw a therapist for my OCD after my breakup, which I should've been seeing during our relationship. I am so much better now and I am very close to a full recovery. I talked about her to my therapist on MANY occasions and he told me that it genuinely seems like I miss her. Now, is it as my bestfriend or something more? I am still trying to figure it out, but all I know is that I miss her. I miss the intimacy and connection that we had in the middle of the relationship and it stopped because I was scared. When certain things, small or big occur in my life, I imagine myself telling her or if I'm dancing to some music I still picture her and I together.

I miss the intimacy we used to share, the laughs that we had and the cuddles that made both of us feel safe. She's just so silly I miss squeezing the breath out of her. I love myself more, my confidence is higher and I could control my OCD. This was not the care during our relationship.

I am not planning on all of a sudden going into his life because it is not what she needs. She's still in love with me too and for me to do that would be unfair and selfish. We have the same group of friends but take turns hanging out with them. I wish that one day she would like to see me and we could hang out with them and see how that goes. If I were to talk to her, I would make sure that she's over me so that there's no irrational thinking and we will look at it objectively. I'll say what I want and what I should change, same for her, and we'll both agree or disagree. If we agree then we will start very slow, maybe start by hanging out with the friends and if we disagree well I could say that I at least tried but it's for the best. What bothers me is that I didn't try at all so being able to say that would be a relief. Now, I also think about if it would even be worth it? Obviously I'm not thinking about marriage, but if let's say we decide to start again and she's not someone I would marry, then what? I would look like a jerk? What would her parents say if she brings back home the guy that broke her heart? Although they've always said how respectful I was. Let me know if this is a good idea, what any of you think or if you have any personal experience similar to mine.

Thank you so much for everyone who read this and/or comments with advice.

 

Edited December 21, 2020 by Tom_

[Tom_]

I cannot seem to edit my post but I would like to add that I'm also feeling better than I got rid of a vaping addiction which gives me a lot more integrity. There was also a lack of personal growth with both us in the relationship that I wish I could've discussed with her about.

[healing light]

31 minutes ago, Tom_ said:

 Now I see that these problems are fixable if I actually fought for the relationship.

I don't agree with this, actually. I'm sorry you have regret over the communication in the relationship, etc. but the things that bothered you I feel are legitimate incompatibilities. Her wanting to hang out 24/7 without letting you fit in some other activities in between, needing her permission for the way you dress or your hairstyle, etc.  sounds very possessive and controlling. Evidently, you also didn't feel comfortable enough with her to express your sexual needs. Not to sound cliche or dismissive, but you are young so the two of you will still be evolving in your preferences and who you are for many years to come. There's a higher chance than not that this would have ended. 

[trident_2020]

Agree with the poster above me. You don't know if it was fixable, you don't know everything that was going through her head and why she chose to kick you to the curb, oftentimes it's not because of one or more specific behaviors. It's a LOT more complex than that.

 

[Tom_]

1 hour ago, trident_2020 said:

Agree with the poster above me. You don't know if it was fixable, you don't know everything that was going through her head and why she chose to kick you to the curb, oftentimes it's not because of one or more specific behaviors. It's a LOT more complex than that.

 

Sorry I must have forgot to clarify but I was the one who broke it off. 

Thank you both very much for your insight.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Tom_ said:

 a month before the breakup when things started to go downhill,

Our days together were just stale. 

 I needed my space. 

Sorry this happened. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

After 9 mos. the rosy glow can wear off and all the incompatibilities and "staleness" come to light.

It's ok to miss her. Break-ups suck.

However, you can close this chapter now and move forward because 9mos is enough time to know it wasn't going to work out.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Even if you could get her back, it wouldn't be the same. She will always have in the back of her mind that you tossed her like a bag of garbage, and went months without her. I'm sure the trust is gone. You should take the lessons you've learned and start fresh with someone new. 

Edited January 4, 2021 by GeorgiaPeach1