My boyfriend dumped me out of the blue after two years.

[maggiemtn]

Hi everyone,

I’m new here. I just got dumped out of the blue, and for the first time in my life, I feel truly, 100% lost. 
 

We dated for about two years and were discussing things like buying a house, marriage, and kids. I’m 35 and he is 39. Neither one of us has ever been engaged or married before and neither of us have children. We’ve both dated around a lot and he had a few semi-serious relationships, but I was the first partner he’d lived with. I on the other hand have had one prior serious relationship that lasted from 20-27 years old and didn’t work out because we just started too young and grew apart as we got older. I spent six years alone, dating around but never finding a truly great match. Then I finally met the guy who this is about. 
 

Anyway, our relationship has always been pretty good. We communicated well, had very few arguments, and connected on a lot of things. We had a few issues. I thought he drank a little too much sometimes, whereas I come from a family of alcoholism and haven’t had a drink in almost three years. I’m going through a career change and am a full-time student. He has a high-paying, stress-free job. He started to comment if I was ever going to go back to work (I’m currently transitioning from a CPA to just finishing applying to nursing school and waiting on acceptance). I started to ask if he would please stop drinking so much. He did for a while, then it kicked back up and I feel like that’s just something he enjoys more than anything else, even me. But we never argued about either topic. I assured him I’m doing what’s best for my future career, family, etc. I did carry a part-time job but it only covered groceries and an amount of rent we agreed on (like 25%, whereas he paid the rest). He always agreed “Oh you’re right, I have been drinking too often,” and cut back. When it kicked back up, I offered a gentle reminder. We never fought on it.  

Last week, I confronted him saying I felt like something was off. He tried to sidestep but it devolved into the ultimate ending of him saying “I am just frustrated because I feel like I should know all these things by now” as in, if he wanted to marry ME, have kids with ME, etc. It came as a surprise to me that he didn’t know that because it was a change from what he had previously told me (“Yes, we’re going to have all those things.”) Then he half-heartedly broke up with me and all I could think of was “I can’t be here.” So I threw everything into my car that would fit and left to my best friend’s house. 
 

I did well with NC for a week, am pretty familiar with it from my previous breakup, but today I just fell apart. I groveled and just completely left any dignity I had at the door. It was like I got completely taken over by another side of me and spewed out all this pathetic garbage ending with “I just want to come home and work things out.” Begging and pleading. His response was “I need some time. I’m confused and this is a sad and stressful situation. We will talk later.” 
 

I don’t know how to start processing this and move on when a person I love asks for time and space. I feel like we both have one foot in and one foot out but trying to move in opposite directions. If I am being honest, I feel he really wants out and any possible “Let’s work it out” from him would only be as half-hearted as our breakup. We have some property to divide and I already know he’s going to contact me to say what he’s decided about our relationship. 
 

I feel incredibly lost. I moved to his hometown for him, I trusted we would have a future and a family and now I just feel old and like my time for any of that has passed. It is just hard accepting that my life has turned out like this. I’m smart, kind, funny, and yet it feels like two failed relationships have set the course for my entire life. My friends keep saying “Do what makes you happy” but I don’t even know what that is anymore. I feel like I’ve wasted half my life with nothing to show for it. I am so, so down. And now I’ve made the grave mistake of giving him the opportunity to call and put me back at square one. I can’t realistically do NC until I arrange the rest of my things and some money he owes me (he’s buying some of my furniture I won’t be able to take to an apartment). Do I do an about-face and tell him I’ve made the decision, have someone pick up my things, and start NC? Do I give the person I love the time they asked for and wait around not even knowing what I’m hoping for? Realistically, no matter how much I want him to call and say “I changed my mind!” I don’t think I could ever go back to a situation where someone told me I might not be the one. I would constantly be on edge forever wondering if he’ll change his mind again today. 

I’m sorry for the rant, I just needed to scream into the abyss. I feel so incredibly hopeless and angry that I broke and gave away the only power I had which was my dignity. I’ve done nothing but sob into a pillow since. I haven’t known this heartbreak in a very long time and it feels right now like it will never stop. 

Thanks for listening.  

[ShyViolet]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  You were with him a long time and this was a serious relationship... it's totally normal for you to be feeling what you're feeling.  Allow yourself to feel your feelings and grieve the loss of the relationship.  Take all the time you need, pick up the pieces, get your stuff and get things in order.  You are NOT too old to be single, that's so not true.

Whatever you do, don't ever beg.  There is no scenario where that would actually work or have a positive outcome.  You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you just as much as you want to be with them.  I know it seems like you'll never get through this, but you absolutely will.

[Dan111]

Hi Maggie,

I’m also 35 years old and my fiancé and I broke up about 2 weeks ago and found myself on this forum.
I also feel old so don’t worry! 😂

We were together 4 years and have purchased a property together in the UK. Now need to probably sell it! 

I understand the emotions you are feeling now, your mind is a rollercoaster. 

from what you’ve said he doesn’t seem very committed, I’m at a stage where I really want children now and my girlfriend doesn’t seem interested and not sure she ever will be, some people just have different goals and incompatibilities.

like you said, could you really go back to somebody knowing his heart is not really in the relationship? You want to feel loved, not just a make do. 
He sounds a little bothered about you currently not working? When is it likely you will become a nurse? 
 

The begging never works and they just pull away more, NC is always best even though it’s so hard. 
 

It’s probably a little easier for him as he’s got the apartment to himself and has some space to think about things, where as your stuck at your friends. 
 

I currently have the house to myself  and she’s gone to her mums and if I’m honest I’m quite liking my own time and space.

you was alone for 6 years so just remember you can do it all alone again, as crap as it will be if you do split up you just need to stay strong and show some independence. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, maggiemtn said:

 I was the first partner he’d lived with. 

I thought he drank a little too much sometimes, . I started to ask if he would please stop drinking so much. 

 if he wanted to marry ME, have kids with ME, etc. 

I threw everything into my car that would fit and left to my best friend’s house.

We have some property to divide 

 

I 

You made the right decision ending it. Your instincts are correct that he was just coasting along.

Have you tried looking into Al-Anon for support? You claim you "never fought" about drinking, but it was clearly a factor.

Keep in mind his primary relationship is with alcohol, so everyone else is just a pawn. Like you being nothing more than a live-in GF.

When you get appropriate support from trusted friends and family and Al-Anon, you'll understand better why you make the right choice.

Don't backpedal. He is only going to get worse and string you along more.

Be resolute in cutting your losses. Be businesslike as possible when dividing the property.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry this happened, OP. 

It seems there had been some tension simmering between you two for a while. He appears to have been resentful that he was paying for the lion's share of expenses (even if he'd previously agreed to it) and you are worried about his drinking. How often and how much is he drinking, by the way? 

Perhaps both of you were playing down your concerns about the other. Offering a "gentle reminder" when his drinking "kicked back up" sounds very much like you were dancing around the hard issues and maybe not being honest with yourself about how much it bothered you. Were you afraid to rock the boat? 

The other thing that struck me was that you noticed he'd been off with you recently (leading you to ask him what was going on) What sort of behaviour had you noticed that prompted you to initiate that conversation? 

[Happy Lemming]

Do you think the stress of the pandemic may be the cause of his "increased drinking"??

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sorry it didn't work out. I agree with you that him telling you he's not sure you're the one is a dead-end statement, not any kind of foundation for marriage. And I agree that it's a big problem that alcohol is #1 for him. If I were you, I'd make a clean break and start the healing so as not to waste any time spinning your wheels with him.

[stillafool]

No one wants to hang around a partner who isn't sure they are the ones for them.  You did the right thing because he's unlikely to change his mind no matter what he says.  That cat is now out of the bag.  He doesn't like the fact that you don't have a job, even though you are a CPA, and well qualified to get one.  You can't stand his drinking which I can perfectly understand.  Perhaps your relationship has run it's course.

[maggiemtn]

Thank you everyone for your responses. It really helps to feel like I’m not alone. 
 

To answer some questions and to give a little more background: when we were living away from his hometown, he didn’t drink very often. Since we moved back, it’s 3-4 days a week, with at least three being drunk. We have had a mutual friend (they are not really close but she is my best friend, and that’s how we met—not a setup but met in general) who I’ve talked to through this whole process and she said “I think that’s just who he is.” It didn’t help that we moved very close to his brother, who is 41, single, and wants nothing to do with relationships. He only wants to work, drink, and smoke weed. While it’s nice they have such a close bond, I feel they are living an unhealthy lifestyle and only find joy in finding the newest craft beer or getting wasted and reminiscing. 
 

Everything just seemed to fall apart when we moved back. He wanted to go to Halloween parties this year and I felt it was unsafe. In short, it just feels like he reverted back to some college lifestyle and neglected our relationship. 
 

He describes himself as the “forever optimist.” Everything is fun, happy, must always be. Lately, I have been feeling a little down. Not depressed but just off. I told him this and I said “It’s not you, I don’t know what it is. I just wanted you to know.” It was probably a combination of moving, going from urban to rural, the pandemic, and finishing school but now having to wait for two months to see if I’m accepted to the nursing program. I was having nightmares, family stress, and he just couldn’t seem to grasp that sometimes people go through tough times. I never projected that onto him in the form of anger or blame. The entire past year of our life has been centered around his father’s failing mental health that has landed him in jail, a restraining order, and essentially homeless. I have been there every step of the way to see him through this. Offering to go take his dad groceries, helping with doctor’s appointments, and generally trying to be encouraging. His cousin died suddenly of an opioid OD a few months ago and I was there every step of the way for him and his family. It’s like he never even processed these events. Like, “Well that’s sad but stuff happens. Let’s go fishing.” And when I felt “blah” for a couple weeks, he immediately went for the door. 
 

Regarding his job vs. my schooling, I think the tension comes less from money but that he works from home and my school transferred to remote. So we were both at home a lot. He saw himself as doing something important because that reflected in his paycheck, but I don’t think he saw the value in what I was doing. Up until a week ago, he was super encouraging and then just 180’d and said when we broke up things like he didn’t know if I’d ever get a “real” job, that I seem “depressed” but he equates depression with going through a couple days of being sad or feeling weird. He just does not understand mental health and that really reflected on how he handled his father’s situation, labeling him as “crazy,” saying he “wants to be like this,” that he could go back to his old self at any time, when in reality his dad has had some huge mental break or undiagnosed illness. 
 

He just started within the past few weeks to pull away. Go out more, be a little standoffish, kept saying “I have no idea what to get you for Christmas” even though he loves gift-giving. But he never brought up a problem until I pulled teeth to get it out of him. 
 

I think the hardest part of this is being the age I am and spending the last two years with someone who professed to want a family and a life with me, then realized maybe they’d rather just have no responsibility and no interest in helping their partner but always needing me to be there, stand by him, and ALWAYS be happy. People go through hard times in life and I’ve realized that he thinks no matter what, it is that person’s fault and their choice. If you’re not happy today, it’s your fault. And now I blame myself, saying I should’ve always put on a happy face, and other things that are unrealistic. 
 

Im sure you guys are like “Wow this is so obvious!” But I guess when you’re in it, you don’t really see these things as these insurmountable hurdles but rather hiccups until you’re out and on the other side. 
 

Sorry to write so much, I have exhausted all my friends’ ears, and my family is very unsupportive of emotional issues (my mom used all that up with her decades-long alcoholism that has fried everyone in my family’s patience for anything else). 

[stillafool]

So why aren't you working?  I'm sure this was a problem for him.

[Ruby Slippers]

If he's getting drunk 3 nights a week, I'm pretty sure he's an alcoholic. You seem to have caretaker and possibly codependent tendencies, given that you continue focusing on him and all his issues, even though he's told you he's "confused" and you're "not the one." It doesn't seem like you're going to get any return on all this energy you're investing in him and his issues. The sooner you let it go and start the healing, the better.

[FMW]

At your ages, after two years together he should know whether or not he wants marriage and children with you.  The fact that he says he doesn't know means there isn't really anywhere else to go with this relationship.  You certainly shouldn't be waiting around for him to decide what HE wants to do at this point.  It's possible that not participating equally in the costs of living has affected his view on your partnership, he may worry that he'll remain with the lion's share of the responsibility in that area.  But if everything else was ok I think he would have had a serious talk about that with you before his doubts got to this point about your future together.  I would ask him what all his doubts were, but honestly I'm not sure it makes a lot of difference at this point. 

Your life experiences have not been a waste - they are your life.  Just because they haven't matched up with what your ideal situation is, or with what your friends are doing, doesn't make them any less important and meaningful.  

[maggiemtn]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

So why aren't you working?  I'm sure this was a problem for him.

I actually am working, but it’s part time and remote, doesn’t pay much. I’m still working as a CPA for a small business. I was a full-time student for nursing school prerequisites until last week. Between the part time job, daytime full class load, and studying, there wasn’t time to work a full-time job for me. I had offered to pull from some other investments I have to pay half on everything, but he insisted it wasn’t necessary. Instead I did all housework, yardwork, errands, to try to make up for the imbalance. 
 

I agree with everything else you all have said and I really appreciate the tough love. But I don’t want to come off as someone who isn’t carrying my fair share. It was an agreement we could’ve renegotiated at any time. 

[maggiemtn]

I do appreciate everyone’s advice and perspectives on this situation. I definitely don’t want to be with anyone who has confusion of whether I’m the one for them, so there’s only one direction to go. Thanks, everyone. 

[Cookiesandough]

I am very sorry that you were going through this. I really feel for you. I just wonder sometimes that when people say “out of the blue“ like it was completely unexpected. Obviously, there was some little signs he was pulling away for sometime. I think a lot of times there are some science but people ignore them or choose to push to the side for awhile. Anyway, Time will heal. Best wishes to you

[Gaeta]

This *needing time* from him is a breakup in disguise. All that you have done is not about losing your dignity, you acted like a woman in love, we're only humans and we've all done it at some point. It is not too late for marriage and family. I tell often on here the story of my youngest brother. Him and  his wife met at 37 or so, and had their son at 39, and got a daughter last august at both 41. It's better to start a family later in life with the *right person* than to start it early with the wrong one. Big hug to you. 

[maggiemtn]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This *needing time* from him is a breakup in disguise. All that you have done is not about losing your dignity, you acted like a woman in love, we're only humans and we've all done it at some point. It is not too late for marriage and family. I tell often on here the story of my youngest brother. Him and  his wife met at 37 or so, and had their son at 39, and got a daughter last august at both 41. It's better to start a family later in life with the *right person* than to start it early with the wrong one. Big hug to you. 

Thank you so much for your kind words. This really helped me. I appreciate you taking the time to offer your advice so much. Thank you! 

[lil_missy]

Hi OP, 

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you are definitely not alone. I'm going through a similar break up as you and I'm the same age as you as well. it is scary to think about starting over at 35, part of me feels like I need to find someone else straight away , that time is running out. But I just don't feel ready. 

A few things I picked up from your story that stood out to me: 

- you said he didn't drink much before, but after moving back to his home town he drank a lot more? You mentioned your bf's partying brother and his dad's in jail with a restraining order, and his cousin dying from opioid OD! OMG why would you want to be around any of this s***??!! OMG I would run a thousand miles away from that.

This is because it's so similar to what happened with my husband, everything was fine when we were living at my place, then after getting married, we bought a house very close to his family and everything went down hill. What I realised is the company that he keeps makes all the difference, his family were chain smokers, his sister permanently unemployed, substance dependent, his mom co-dependent. his mates that live around there all deal in dodgy s***. Very soon after that i noticed he was smoking more, didnt want to quit no more, he got back on prescription drugs and become addicted, started gambling, and doing all kinds of dodgy crap.

Your bf's family has a huge influence on him, whether he admits it or not. He might even say he hates them it doesn't matter. It sounds like there are a lot of issues in his family, addiction, mental. Trust me you don't want to deal with that, the apple never falls far from the tree. If he wasn't like them he'd move far far away from them. 

- Case in point - he is drunk 3 days a week, he is an alcoholic and that's the lifestyle he chose. you are most likely co-dependent just like I was co-dependent to my husbands substance abuse and other addictions, and its very very hard. You spent a year supporting him through all his family's issues and he wont support you when you're down for 2 weeks? what kind of relationship is this? and would you really want to marry and have children with someone that's drunk 3 days a week? My husband became ruled by his addictions and didn't really care about anything else, besides work, he didnt want to take responsibility for anything and it broke my heart but I finally lost all respect for him. 

Anyway I can't really help you, just wanted to say we are in the same boat. and I feel you it is really scary and sad. 

 

 

Edited December 22, 2020 by lil_missy

[maggiemtn]

Hey everyone, 

I just thought I would give an update, because hopefully it can save someone in the future from repeating my mistakes. As much as I tried to tell myself nothing about this was going to work, I continued to stay silent and let him have “space” until I got a text when I was trying to go to bed from our former neighbor “So sorry you broke up” and without thinking, waiting, I just picked up the phone and called. Our conversation ended our relationship and made some things worse, but did help in some ways. The worst part is being told he was looking at engagement rings for me a few weeks ago. Why that had to be told to me, I have no idea. But you don’t get to dictate what someone else says so now I have to live with that. He also said some things that were just patently untrue about my character and values, and I realized, very sadly, after two years this person doesn’t know me hardly at all. That’s what helped a little I guess, is to know that this isn’t about me: it’s about him and his perception of me and there’s nothing I could’ve done to change that. 
 

The money issue did come up. He said he felt like he was being taken advantage of, and I offered to pull what I had out of other sources and just cut him a check because I never would want someone to feel that way about me. He declined and walked it back saying it wasn’t about money, so I was just left confused. He also said that he will stop drinking and smoking when he has kids, like it’s just something he can turn off but has done all his life. 
 

Anyway, the conversation ended with him saying “I’ll talk to you later,” but said goodbye and blocked his number. That was four days ago. There have been a couple very small victories I’ve had since then. I unblocked his number last night because he had a bunch of Christmas presents from me to open and I wanted to see if he’d even say thank you. This was late at night. But before I fell asleep I thought, “What will come of this? What if he does say thank you? What if he doesn’t?” So I just immediately blocked it back and now if he’s said or hasn’t said something, I will never know. The day still sucked, but knowing I wouldn’t be waiting by the phone for a big nothing made it a little easier. 
 

I also mailed the key to our house back to him. I didn’t put in a note or sign it or anything. It’s just a key. I went and got a gym membership. I changed all my passwords to my streaming services. I just tried to sever any tie I could think of. 
 

I also had my first session with a therapist. It went pretty well. This is my day 4 of NC and I don’t intend to break it. There were a couple of things I wanted from the house but I feel like they’ll just make me sad in a new apartment so I decided it’s not worth it. I can find another bookshelf and chairs. 
 

One of the other things that has helped is I was already contemplating deleting social media for the new year but when we first broke up I went ahead and shut it all down. It gives me less anxiety knowing I don’t have to see him, his friends, or old pictures on my page. 
 

I know this is going to be a long and tough process. I guess the only thing I can say is that I’m relieved there is finality and occasionally during the day I’ll find myself smiling or laughing about something I read online or watched on TV. I think right now I have just accepted this is all going to suck but I try to find a small something that makes me happy, and that helps me remember I was fine before I met this person and I’ll be fine again one day. 

Edited December 25, 2020 by maggiemtn

[FMW]

It sounds like your head is in a very good place and you are taking decisive and healthy actions, that's great.  I know this is hard, but time really will help.  

[maggiemtn]

On 12/20/2020 at 10:12 PM, maggiemtn said:

Hi everyone,

I’m new here. I just got dumped out of the blue, and for the first time in my life, I feel truly, 100% lost. 
 

We dated for about two years and were discussing things like buying a house, marriage, and kids. I’m 35 and he is 39. Neither one of us has ever been engaged or married before and neither of us have children. We’ve both dated around a lot and he had a few semi-serious relationships, but I was the first partner he’d lived with. I on the other hand have had one prior serious relationship that lasted from 20-27 years old and didn’t work out because we just started too young and grew apart as we got older. I spent six years alone, dating around but never finding a truly great match. Then I finally met the guy who this is about. 
 

Anyway, our relationship has always been pretty good. We communicated well, had very few arguments, and connected on a lot of things. We had a few issues. I thought he drank a little too much sometimes, whereas I come from a family of alcoholism and haven’t had a drink in almost three years. I’m going through a career change and am a full-time student. He has a high-paying, stress-free job. He started to comment if I was ever going to go back to work (I’m currently transitioning from a CPA to just finishing applying to nursing school and waiting on acceptance). I started to ask if he would please stop drinking so much. He did for a while, then it kicked back up and I feel like that’s just something he enjoys more than anything else, even me. But we never argued about either topic. I assured him I’m doing what’s best for my future career, family, etc. I did carry a part-time job but it only covered groceries and an amount of rent we agreed on (like 25%, whereas he paid the rest). He always agreed “Oh you’re right, I have been drinking too often,” and cut back. When it kicked back up, I offered a gentle reminder. We never fought on it.  

Last week, I confronted him saying I felt like something was off. He tried to sidestep but it devolved into the ultimate ending of him saying “I am just frustrated because I feel like I should know all these things by now” as in, if he wanted to marry ME, have kids with ME, etc. It came as a surprise to me that he didn’t know that because it was a change from what he had previously told me (“Yes, we’re going to have all those things.”) Then he half-heartedly broke up with me and all I could think of was “I can’t be here.” So I threw everything into my car that would fit and left to my best friend’s house. 
 

I did well with NC for a week, am pretty familiar with it from my previous breakup, but today I just fell apart. I groveled and just completely left any dignity I had at the door. It was like I got completely taken over by another side of me and spewed out all this pathetic garbage ending with “I just want to come home and work things out.” Begging and pleading. His response was “I need some time. I’m confused and this is a sad and stressful situation. We will talk later.” 
 

I don’t know how to start processing this and move on when a person I love asks for time and space. I feel like we both have one foot in and one foot out but trying to move in opposite directions. If I am being honest, I feel he really wants out and any possible “Let’s work it out” from him would only be as half-hearted as our breakup. We have some property to divide and I already know he’s going to contact me to say what he’s decided about our relationship. 
 

I feel incredibly lost. I moved to his hometown for him, I trusted we would have a future and a family and now I just feel old and like my time for any of that has passed. It is just hard accepting that my life has turned out like this. I’m smart, kind, funny, and yet it feels like two failed relationships have set the course for my entire life. My friends keep saying “Do what makes you happy” but I don’t even know what that is anymore. I feel like I’ve wasted half my life with nothing to show for it. I am so, so down. And now I’ve made the grave mistake of giving him the opportunity to call and put me back at square one. I can’t realistically do NC until I arrange the rest of my things and some money he owes me (he’s buying some of my furniture I won’t be able to take to an apartment). Do I do an about-face and tell him I’ve made the decision, have someone pick up my things, and start NC? Do I give the person I love the time they asked for and wait around not even knowing what I’m hoping for? Realistically, no matter how much I want him to call and say “I changed my mind!” I don’t think I could ever go back to a situation where someone told me I might not be the one. I would constantly be on edge forever wondering if he’ll change his mind again today. 

I’m sorry for the rant, I just needed to scream into the abyss. I feel so incredibly hopeless and angry that I broke and gave away the only power I had which was my dignity. I’ve done nothing but sob into a pillow since. I haven’t known this heartbreak in a very long time and it feels right now like it will never stop. 

Thanks for listening.  

Hi everyone, I wasn’t sure if people come back often to add updates, but I have been thinking about how I felt when I wrote this 1.5 years ago. I’ve been thinking about it because I have a friend who is experiencing her first real heartbreak and I wish I could just press fast forward for her. 

My update is I am now halfway through nursing school and I am single and couldn’t be happier. I’ve completely moved on, and did it with the help of friends and family and good advice like I got on this thread. Me posting this simultaneously feels like a lifetime ago and yesterday. I haven’t seen my ex since the day I walked out of our house, but have no ill feelings toward him. I’m waiting until I get out of school to seek out a serious relationship again, and believe that the right one will come along eventually. 

If you’re sad like I was when I posted this, just know that even though it seems impossible, time really does heal everything. 

Thank you all for the advice and wisdom. ❤️