Ex ended it but is hot one min then cold the next

[GloriaDaisy]

Me and my bf broke up last week after 1 year of out going out. Things felt rocky in recent months and he decided to end things. I was heartbroken even though I understood the reasoning behind our relationship coming to an end. It boiled down to our busy lives, disagreements and reaching different points in our life.  I was questioning a lot to during our rough patch but was very invested in him. I hoped we’d work through it. I asked for him to give us another chance but he made  up  his mind and I didn’t push. But a big part of me wants to make it work, I loved him deeply. And I know he loved me too.  We ended on fairly good terms , even though it was very emotional. He cried , I cried.
The next day I blocked him from social media, and deleted our photos I didn’t want to pine over memories or stalk his profile because I knew I wouldn’t heal that way. I wasn’t calling him or texting either ...
Well, after 1 week he started to text me  these messages over the course of the entire weekend 

- I miss you 

-things don’t feel the same  without you.

- are you dating anyone new? 
-I still care about you 

-I miss our date nights that we used to have 

- I miss your smile and how  cute you are 

I kept my distance the best I could  but after a few days I realized how it’s playing on my emotions. Is he just feeling lonely  and wants emotional comfort? Does he just miss me and Is confused? Does he want to get back together? 
I asked him why he was saying he missed me and his answers would be like “well, youre just  on my mind lately “

my response was “ it was your idea to end things, so this is getting confusing. Yes, I miss you too, but until you can convert this sentiment into action and try to make things work - than we shouldn’t be having this conversation “ 

he said “okay I understand” nothing else for an entire day. I think he’s having some regret but confused ... And I’m not inclined to push the conversation further. Even though I want him back in my life...I Value myself and refuse to waste time on an wishy washy ex bf. But I have to say, I want to know his intentions of all this reaching out he’s done. I feel like after I called him out on it, he’s ghosting. Was this the right thing to do? I felt like I needed to set up boundaries . I feel like my ex has interfered with my moving on process ...can anyone tell me if it seems like he might come back? How do I handle this hot and cold behaviour?

 

Edited December 22, 2020 by GloriaDaisy

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, GloriaDaisy said:

my response was “ it was your idea to end things, so this is getting confusing. 

Sorry this happened. Your response was excellent.

He can't have it both ways. End it then have you there.

Don't get strung along or demoted to FWB, which his lack of commitment to the relationship indicates is his preference 

You'll have to go no contact and block him. Sometimes "I miss you" = I miss sex.

Edited December 22, 2020 by Wiseman2

[GloriaDaisy]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Your response was excellent.

He can't have it both ways. End it then have you there.

Don't get strung along or demoted to FWB, which his lack of commitment to the relationship indicates is his preference 

You'll have to go no contact and block him. Sometimes "I miss you" = I miss sex.

To be honest, he’s a good guy for the most part. But this is disrupting my peace. 

Edited December 22, 2020 by GloriaDaisy

[d0nnivain]

I call what he's feeling "dumper's remorse"   Even when there are valid reasons to end things those 1st few days / weeks after a break up are particularly lonely when one was used to being part of a couple. 

You did the right thing by making your perspective clear -- while you would like reconciliation, you need him to want that too not to just send bread crumbs. The next move is his.  However if he feels that the relationship wasn't working nostalgia is no reason to resurrect it.

[GloriaDaisy]

8 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I call what he's feeling "dumper's remorse"   Even when there are valid reasons to end things those 1st few days / weeks after a break up are particularly lonely when one was used to being part of a couple. 

You did the right thing by making your perspective clear -- while you would like reconciliation, you need him to want that too not to just send bread crumbs. The next move is his.  However if he feels that the relationship wasn't working nostalgia is no reason to resurrect it.

Yes it feels selfish . Very selfish. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Unless he asks to get back together, don't respond to messages. What he's doing is trying to wean himself off you. Make him marry his decision to end things by going full no contact. As long as he knows you'll respond to breadcrumbs, he'll have no incentive to consider getting back together because he hasn't really lost you.

 

[ShyViolet]

He is playing games with you.  Honestly it sounds like he's not sure what he wants.  And in the meantime, your emotions are the ones getting toyed with.  He can only play games with your emotions if you allow it.  It sounds like it's best if you just let him know that you're not going to entertain this.  He ended it, so it's over.

[Ruby Slippers]

18 hours ago, GloriaDaisy said:

I feel like my ex has interfered with my moving on process 

He can't interfere with your moving on process unless you allow him to. I'd block him on the phone and also not respond to emails unless he approaches with a strong, clear apology and attempt to reconcile. The way it is now, he's getting the impression you'll perpetually be sitting around waiting for him to figure it out.

[stillafool]

26 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

. I'd block him on the phone and also not respond to emails

Me too.  If someone dumps me they would have to come crawling back otherwise I don't want to hear from them.

[snowboy91]

The way I approach any breakup is: once it's done, it's done. There is no going back unless you put in a concerted effort to solve all of the problems that led to the breakup. Missing each other simply isn't enough to fix a relationship - since once you get back together, you just fall into the same habits that led to the first breakup. So to avoid wasting your time, treat the situation as if he isn't going to get back together with you.

All you can do is look after yourself. If this hot and cold behaviour is disruptive, then go full no contact for a while (as long as it needs). 

[GloriaDaisy]

4 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Unless he asks to get back together, don't respond to messages. What he's doing is trying to wean himself off you. Make him marry his decision to end things by going full no contact. As long as he knows you'll respond to breadcrumbs, he'll have no incentive to consider getting back together because he hasn't really lost you.

 

Thank you for the amazing comment. He’s continuing to send vague bread crumbs. I’m not responding at all... until it’s something substantial towards our relationship is said. Next !!

[Watercolors]

Just now, GloriaDaisy said:

Thank you for the amazing comment. He’s continuing to send vague bread crumbs. I’m not responding at all... until it’s something substantial towards our relationship is said. Next !!

You're not ready to let go of him. Otherwise, you'd have blocked and deleted him from your cellphone and social media already. 

There's no justifiable reason for you to hang on to false hope. He broke up with you.

He's toying with you emotionally because he misses the sex with you.

Doesn't matter how "good" of a guy he is. Guys throw breadcrumbs after they breakup with their girlfriends, when they need that extra attention boost from her. 

He wouldn't have broken up with you if you two were compatible and had a healthy relationship. 

3 hours ago, snowboy91 said:

The way I approach any breakup is: once it's done, it's done. There is no going back unless you put in a concerted effort to solve all of the problems that led to the breakup.

I agree with snowboy91 100%. Stop giving your ex-boyfriend access to you. It won't fix anything. It just makes you miserable to keep your boundaries open the way that you are, because you are showing your ex-boyfriend that you don't respect yourself enough to shut him down. Block and delete. Otherwise, you just invite more game playing at your own expense. He's not doing anything to you that you aren't allowing. Take ownership of that. 

[Watercolors]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

Me too.  If someone dumps me they would have to come crawling back otherwise I don't want to hear from them.

Exactly. Why would you want to hear from your ex-boyfriend OP, unless you truly aren't over him. You seem to think keeping the lines of communication open with him via text, means he's going to fix everything with a few words of comfort. That's not how relationships work. You can't repair a broken relationship over text messages. Is that what you think will happen? Is that what you want to happen? 

[ExpatInItaly]

He doesn't want you to find his replacement before he finds yours. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, GloriaDaisy said:

... until it’s something substantial towards our relationship is said. 

Are you secretly hoping he'll change and want to reconcile? 

Is that why you won't delete and block him?

As long as you allow a dumper to "disrupt your peace", you allow them to have all the power,  keep yourself in limbo and prevent yourself from moving forward.

[GloriaDaisy]

Thanks guys, it’s only been 10 days so im just trying to process everything. His breadcrumb messages definitely toyed with my emotions but I’m happy I put my foot down and called him out. I need to start living in reality and know my priority is to heal not Hang onto false hope. And as you guys said  nothing would change anyway. I appreciate the comments. Having a broken heart is not fun. All I can do is move forward and take care of myself.

[Watercolors]

3 hours ago, GloriaDaisy said:

Thanks guys, it’s only been 10 days so im just trying to process everything. His breadcrumb messages definitely toyed with my emotions but I’m happy I put my foot down and called him out. I need to start living in reality and know my priority is to heal not Hang onto false hope. And as you guys said  nothing would change anyway. I appreciate the comments. Having a broken heart is not fun. All I can do is move forward and take care of myself.

Breakups are hard. No one said they’re supposed to be easy. But you make your breakup more difficult, by keeping in touch with your ex-boyfriend. The healthiest response after a breakup is to block and delete. And move onward. 

[stillafool]

36 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

The healthiest response after a breakup is to block and delete. And move onward. 

Definitely.  Until you do you will be waiting for those breadcrumbs to drop to feed your ego.  Besides if you block him and he does try to reach you he will think you have decided to move on and you know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder.