We might be kids but WE STILL HURT

[Betrayed Child]

Cheating hurts children. Why do you all deny this?

 

Cheating is wrong. It is nasty, disrespectful and selfish. Not only to the betrayed spouse, but also to the betrayed children.

 

That is what we are: betrayed children.

 

I saw a post on this forum where a hurting betrayed child came on and expressed her pain, and what did you all do? You ran her out of town. Called her immature. Told her that it was “none of her business”.

 

If you genuinely believe that, you must have some very twisted ideas of what a family is.

 

A family is not a collection of individuals who live in their own separate vacuums and just happen to be living under the same roof. A family is more than that. It is more than the sum of its parts. The family is the root of children’s emotional stability. Damage the family and the children feel that damage.

 

Cheating is selfish. Period. Because no-one HAS to cheat. An affair is not the natural result of a bad marriage. Plenty of people in less-than-perfect marriages DON’T cheat. Cheating is the result of a person deliberately deciding NOT to deal with a less-than-perfect marriage. Deciding to live selfishly, deciding to have their cake and eat it at the expense of their children’s emotional well-being. Cheating is ruthless. Cheaters know that their children will be hurt by their actions and they do it anyway. They are willing tear apart their children’s lives in order to get what they want. Yeah, because what YOU all want is what’s important, right? You want what you want and if we get hurt along the way, well, what does it matter? It obviously doesn’t matter to the cheater and his mistress. WE are the casualties of nothing more than supreme selfishness. Well, here’s a newsflash for you. We might be below the age of majority, but that doesn’t mean we are NOT real human beings, with real thoughts and feelings of our own. The fact that we’re not adults doesn’t mean that our pain is irrelevant.

 

A cheater lies to his children, over and over. I’m not saying that parents should tell their children EVERYTHING. There are plenty of things about my parents’ lives that are not my business. But there’s a world of difference between (for example) a parent not telling their children about financial worries, and a parent who deliberately lies to their children in order to protect the secret, sordid little life they have behind their children’s backs.

 

That’s what cheaters are doing. Living a dirty, sordid life on the side. They should be giving the best of themselves to their family, whether that means working hard to maintain it, or working equally hard to separate the family in the gentlest way possible for the children. Divorce is very tough on children. People like you throw out lines like, “children are resilient” or “divorce is better than a bad marriage”. Have you even looked at the statistics? Divorce is NOT good for children. Children of divorced parents are far more likely to take drugs, abuse alcohol, not finish their schooling. Girls whose fathers don’t live with them are far more likely to get pregnant during their teenage years. There is a multi-million pound industry crammed full of therapist and “therapeutic” medications, all designed to try and put back together the shattered hearts and minds of children whose lives have been ripped apart by divorce.

 

Good divorces are possible, though. It is possible to break apart a family gently, with enough effort on the part of the parents. Cheaters are not putting in that effort. They are actively working to destroy the family in the nastiest way possible. They are choosing to do the one thing which guarantees the most pain for their children, the one thing which guarantees bitterness and hurt feelings. They don’t have to do this. They do it by choice.

 

Oh, but no-one can help how they feel, right? No-one can help who they fall in love with. Maybe not, but feelings are different from actions. You might feel attracted to someone, but you don’t have to act on it. Feelings don’t result from choices. Actions do. An affair is a choice to hurt innocent people. A choice to cause them pain. Why to mistresses and cheaters never take responsibility for their actions? “It just happened.” No, it didn’t just happen. You made it happen by your choices. My father used to make the point, as I was growing up, that we are all responsible for our own actions. People should take responsibility for their own behaviour and its consequences. And he’s right.

 

Who is responsible for his affair? My mother? My siblings and me? Of course not. How could any of us be responsible for something we knew nothing about? It’s not possible for people to be responsible for something done behind their backs.

 

Cheaters are hypocrites. My father told me over and over that lying was wrong. That if you lie to someone, you are being disrespectful to them. That if you lie to someone, they may no longer trust you. He would even dish out punishment for lies. What a hypocrite. He’s right, though. You can’t trust a liar. If someone is a liar, you can’t believe a single word that spews out of their mouth. This is why I can’t believe a single word he says any more. What’s the point in talking to a liar, when with every word, you are wondering if it is even true?

 

He hasn’t spent much time with us over the past few years. He was always busy. Busy with work, mostly. It hurt like hell, but I understood that he was working hard to provide for his family. At least, I understood until I found out it was bulls***. He wasn’t working. He was sneaking off to bang his mistress. Choosing to spend the little bit of precious time he had with her. Choosing NOT to spend time with his children. Choosing to neglect us emotionally and psychologically. I’m not saying that parents should spend every second of free time at home with the kids, but there’s a world of difference between hanging out with your friends or spending time on a hobby, and emotionally giving the best of yourself to a relationship which is almost guaranteed to destroy your children’s family and rip their hearts out.

 

Even when my father was home, he wasn’t there for us. He spent a lot of time shut up in the study on his PC (IM-ing his mistress). And even on the rare occasion when he did spend time with us, he wasn’t mentally there. Do any of you have any concept of how painful this is? To desperately want and need the love of a parent who isn’t even truly “there” for you? It’s like the drip-drip-drip of Chinese water torture. At first you wonder what you’ve done wrong. Why doesn’t my dad like me any more? Why is he always so busy? Why won’t he make time for me? Doesn’t he love me enough? It’s like a thousand little needles pricking at your sense of self-respect, your sense of security. It doesn’t take too much of this before you start questioning that parent’s love for you. I was insecure about my father’s love for me long before he abandoned me for his mistress.

 

Couldn’t make time for me. Could make plenty of his time for his wh0re, though.

 

Where’s the love in that? What is a parent FOR, anyway? Parents are supposed to love and respect you, cherish you, protect you from harm. They’re not supposed to be the ones doing the harm.

 

If there is any scrap of love for your children in lying, being disrespectful, being nasty to the other parent that the children truly love, choosing to spend time with your mistress rather than your kids, maintaining that sordid little secret life behind their backs, actively working to destroy the family unit in the nastiest way possible, I can’t see it.

 

I don’t know who my father is. I thought he was a decent human being who loved me. He says he loves me, but actions speak louder than words and his actions are deceitful, disrespectful, hurtful. I just don’t understand how you can all sit there and say that this isn’t our business. These are our lives that are being torn apart in the nastiest way possible.

 

And it doesn’t HAVE to be this way. No-one HAS to cheat. That’s the worst thing. This pain is horrible, and I am suffering it solely because of HIS choices. He chose to do this to us. And so did his mistress. She and he are each 50% responsible for the affair, and therefore all the pain that comes from it.

 

They are selfish. Instead of breaking the family apart gently, getting divorced, helping us adjust and THEN moving onto a new life, my father did the opposite. Made himself a shiny new life behind our backs which tore apart our family and gave us nothing but a world of pain. And he didn’t HAVE to. He CHOSE to. He knew what it would do to us and did it anyway. I could have handled divorce. I can’t cope with THIS.

 

I hope every second of his shiny new life tastes bitter, because WE are the ones paying for the supreme selfishness of him and his mistress. We wouldn’t be suffering like this if the pair of them had just behaved with common decency.

 

Cheating is wrong. And if I am hurting and refuse to throw my morals in the gutter and condone his behaviour, that doesn’t make me selfish or immature. It makes me a good person with good morals.

[Nostalgic]

Very good post, sweetie. Glad you vented, you have every right to.

[Sami_D]

No one is immune from hurt. None of us are more to be pitied or vilified. This is life. Would you really require that people deny their adult life so you can pretend that fairy tales come true? Perhaps children need to grow up realising that adults LOVE eachother. And maybe they don't love the people they had children with.

 

I know I love someone who has children that he really really loves and cares about, with someone else. He doesn't want to hurt them, and yet there is a lot of pressure on him that, as he has created those children... he must now spend the rest of his life pretending he has NO NEW loves... that the woman who is their mother is his one true love, and that there is no way that he could possibly exist other than pretinding to love her (their mother) forever, when he actually loves me.

 

I can't see how this is a moral victory for you, or for me. What I see is people seeking for the 'morally' OK love, when actually there are a WHOLE LOT of loves existing that might or might not suit YOU (and you're so deserving, why?), and might suit YOUR MOTHER, FATHER, or either of their LOVES...

 

I believe in LOVE, rather than MORALITY.

[Art_Critic]

Would you really require that people deny their adult life so you can pretend that fairy tales come true? Perhaps children need to grow up realising that adults LOVE eachother. And maybe they don't love the people they had children with.

 

Holy crap Sami.. What ever happened to Compassion ??

 

IMHO Your post is by far the most selfish post I think I have ever read

 

Children don't ask to be brought into this world.. The parents that cause all the pain are suppose to be responsible ADULTS to not cause them any harm.. and cheating causes the children harm.

 

I Feel real sorry for you.. when you finally have children maybe you will change your attitude some.

[whichwayisup]

Holy crap Sami.. What ever happened to Compassion ??

 

IMHO Your post is by far the most selfish post I think I have ever read

 

Children don't ask to be brought into this world.. The parents that cause all the pain are suppose to be responsible ADULTS to not cause them any harm.. and cheating causes the children harm.

 

I Feel real sorry for you.. when you finally have children maybe you will change your attitude some.

 

I agree with AC! I'm shocked.

 

I don't have kids yet, but I tell ya I completely and ABSOLUTELY understand this child's pain! How could anybody NOT get that?

 

Part of being a parent, is giving up the selfishness, the ME ME ME part of your life. Kids are number one and what the parent thinks/feels comes second. I think every parent knows this! And as I said, I don't have kids yet, but I do have 2 nieces, and 3 nephews whom I'm extremely close with and if my sis or bro had their marriages ended by the other spouse cheating MY HEART would break for their little hearts... God, I can't even think it, it makes my eyes water just posting that.

[LauraBancroft]

You know what they say about opinions ART, right? You could have taken a huge leap and bound without trying to troll someone with telling them you feel sorry for them. They put out their two cents and it wasn't really neccessary for you to pour gasoline over a fire that was already heavy.

 

To the original poster, I clearly understand how you feel. I have seen numerous friends that do have children go through what you said. Their children end up hating their father/mother for destroying the marriage and breaking up their happy home. I do believe that cheating is a cheap cop out.

 

What I don't agree on (not directed at you original poster) is using one person's post to vent against them! Enough said.

[LucreziaBorgia]

My father and his second wife (married when I was five) screwed around on each other fairly often. The final impression that I was left with was not "they were looking for true love" but "its unimaginable what they were willing to put the entire family through just to get some fresh strange on the side".

 

I'm older now and can see things from a different perspective, but when I was younger it was humiliating to have to see the pity in people's eyes when they looked at you knowing that your parents were out screwing around. Even other kids at my school knew about it!

 

While my views on it are more objective now in terms of my own life and dealings, I still look back on my parents and what they did to themselves and each other and to our family - which was literally ripped apart to shreds - and all I can still find myself unable to be as objective about them.

 

It isn't about morality for me. Its about common decency, and to me if you can't have the common decency to provide a stable family for a child(ren) as married partners then get a divorce, so that the children can at least have two separate happy parents instead of two deeply unhappy ones who screw around on each other behind each other's backs, create the mother of all negative atmospheres at home, and pretend to be married.

[whichwayisup]

It isn't about morality for me. Its about common decency, and to me if you can't have the common decency to provide a stable family for a child(ren) as married partners then get a divorce, so that the children can at least have two separate happy parents instead of two deeply unhappy ones who screw around on each other behind each other's backs, create the mother of all negative atmospheres at home, and pretend to be married.

 

I agree 100%.

[ThumbingMyWay]

 

I don't have kids yet, but I tell ya I completely and ABSOLUTELY understand this child's pain! How could anybody NOT get that?

 

Part of being a parent, is giving up the selfishness, the ME ME ME part of your life. Kids are number one and what the parent thinks/feels comes second. I think every parent knows this!

 

 

Thats exactly what I think too.....but sadly...EVERY parent doesnt think that way. I have heard many parents....well 2 different mothers say this: "I've raised my kids....not its time for me to have some fun". WTF...her kids were like 6 and 10....

[Art_Critic]

You could have taken a huge leap and bound without trying to troll someone with telling them you feel sorry for them. They put out their two cents and it wasn't really neccessary for you to pour gasoline over a fire that was already heavy.

 

Thanks Mom.. I think I'll stick with my opinion since I only want one as*hole.

[Hot Coco]

Some people (not naming names, so you sensitive PC types dont get your panties up in a wad!) are just plain Morally Bankrupt!

 

It's ME, ME, ME with these people! Hello! That's called being SELFISH! Not a good thing in MOST people's books.

 

This post by this kid should be REQUIRED reading for all the cheating spouses as well as for the OW/OM. Of course it would all fall on deaf ears since all they care about are "my needs" and "my happiness."

 

Don't waste your breath guys...they don't understand the meaning of "decency"

 

Betrayed, don't listen to anyone who tells you that you don't have a right to voice your pain. As far as I'm concerned YOU have more of a right than those morally bankrupt, broken people do.

 

Come on here ANYTIME.

[whichwayisup]

I can't see how this is a moral victory for you, or for me. What I see is people seeking for the 'morally' OK love, when actually there are a WHOLE LOT of loves existing that might or might not suit YOU (and you're so deserving, why?), and might suit YOUR MOTHER, FATHER, or either of their LOVES...

 

I believe in LOVE, rather than MORALITY.

 

I re-read the post and this part is really pissing me off. :mad:

 

One thing to remember...Kids hearts are much more important. They don't have "life" experience to understand wtf their parents are doing. And even if they did, MOST kids, even adult kids never want to know about their parents sex lives!

 

Your tune will change when and IF you have kids someday. I hope so, for your own sake.

[Art_Critic]

To the original poster, I clearly understand how you feel.

you can not possibly know how he feels.. LB..

 

I can tell you how he feels though.. I was a child that had a father that cheated repeatly against my mom and later my step mother..He!! my dad cheated on his mistrisses..

 

I saw first hand the pain his lying caused me and 5 brothers and sisters.

 

I hurt so much that I am the one that gave my dad up to my stepmom when I was 15 years old.. My dad threatened to kill me.. He said he had been shot down in flames by one of his own..

 

Cheaters need to consider the children..

[ThumbingMyWay]

I agree 100%.

 

me too...

 

its kinda were I am at too....

 

what is best?. Stay and pretend to be married?....kids are not dumb...they will feel the tension.....

 

or divorce and have 2 happy parents.

 

I have read on here...I forget who it was....but they said there family life improved AFTER their parents got divorced.....

 

 

I dunno....I'm just a nice guy who's wife cheated....

[Hot Coco]

these kinds of people have no business HAVING kids. You need to have a HEART to be a good parent.

 

And pardon me but didn't all that LOVE, LOVE over everything else go out in the 60's?

[whichwayisup]

me too...

 

its kinda were I am at too....

 

what is best?. Stay and pretend to be married?....kids are not dumb...they will feel the tension.....

 

or divorce and have 2 happy parents.

 

I have read on here...I forget who it was....but they said there family life improved AFTER their parents got divorced.....

 

 

I dunno....I'm just a nice guy who's wife cheated....

 

Which is worse of the two evils? Kids adapt, as hard as it is, they do. As sad as it could be to live in two places, atleast they have stability and love without fighting/stress going on around them.

 

Kids learn about love and relationships from their parents. They compare it later in life to what their folks had. I know I do and I was very lucky to have two parents who loved eachother and gave myself, sis and bro a good home life.

 

Each situation is different, and sometimes it is best to stay together until the kids are old enough to understand and/or be out of highschool. Sometimes it's best to divorce. Somehow kids adapt and deal with it better, as long as both parents show alot of love and constantly let them know the divorce wasn't their fault.

[newbby]

part of growing up is realising that your parents are human and full of flaws.

everyone grows up with some sort of pain, it is sad but true.

i am not justifying anyones behaviour with this.

all anyone can really do is try to get themselves healthy and happy.

i completely agree, in retrospect i should have told my mm (with kids) to go and sort himself out, get divorced first etc, i obviously was neither healthy nor happy at the time either.

i really dont think though that judging each other and throwing more s*** at each other is really helpful, for anybody.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Some people (not naming names, so you sensitive PC types dont get your panties up in a wad!) are just plain Morally Bankrupt!

 

It's ME, ME, ME with these people! Hello! That's called being SELFISH! Not a good thing in MOST people's books.

 

This post by this kid should be REQUIRED reading for all the cheating spouses as well as for the OW/OM. Of course it would all fall on deaf ears since all they care about are "my needs" and "my happiness."

 

Don't waste your breath guys...they don't understand the meaning of "decency"

 

Betrayed, don't listen to anyone who tells you that you don't have a right to voice your pain. As far as I'm concerned YOU have more of a right than those morally bankrupt, broken people do.

 

Come on here ANYTIME.

 

 

RIGHT ON!!!!

[newbby]

somehow i dont think the original post was written by a young kid

[d'Arthez]

No. I would expect this to be written by someone in their late-teens, or early twenties.

[whichwayisup]

somehow i dont think the original post was written by a young kid

 

I give the benefit of the doubt! Even if it wasn't written by a kid, I DO believe all the necessary points were made and it was an excellent post.

[whichwayisup]

NO 'little' kid is going to string together thoughts and write out a post like this. I agree with DA, it's a teenager or someone in their 20's.

 

Again, still a great post. Hits home to many and obviously some are reacting more than they should, in a not so good way. Guess it touched a nerve?

[Hot Coco]

I don't think it's a "young" kid since the writing is too sophisticated. I think it's a teen. And you know what? I don't care if an 85 year old transexual wrote it! It contains valid gems of truth and wisdom in it and should be required reading like I said before.

 

And I'm not surprised that any cheaters or OM/OW would doubt the veracity of this letter. Of course they're going to cast doubt on the writer. They don't want to realize that there are REAL people being hurt by their selfish actions.

 

Why are you saying that we shouldn't judge and throw more sh-t? What the HECK do you think you're doing by questioning the sincerity of the poster? Sheesh!

 

And thank you Thumb, appreciate that!

[Art_Critic]

somehow i dont think the original post was written by a young kid

 

His age doesn't matter..

I'm 42 and can speak as a child hurt by cheating..

 

His post was on target and that is all that matters

[LucreziaBorgia]

I just realized where this is posted!

 

I do all my posting from the 'new posts' section and was thinking this was in the Infidelity section.

 

Posting a thread like this in the OW/OM section makes it appear like less of a rant, and more of an attack on the OP. No wonder its such a hot thread!