learntofly Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 I know, I need to talk to a lawyer, but in the meantime looking for input from those that have been there/done that. I'm sure these are probably stupid questions. I'm in California, if that matters. He's moving out to an apartment soon, but I don't know when exactly. We own a house, I'd like to stay here with the kids, how does that work? Do I refi with cash out in my name only and pay him his half of the equity? Or do we "sell" the house to me? How does shared custody work? We have a 12 year old, old enough to decide if she has a preference I imagine? Right now she's being a total daddy's girl, it breaks my heart that I think she'll want to go with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lance Mannion Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 Can you carry the mortgage on your own at present and can you carry a larger mortgage if you cash out his equity? That's the first question you need an answer to before you start trying to figure out what to do with the house. Can your husband look after your child for multiple days at a time? If you're both equally able to care for her, then one-week alternating schedules will work and gives each of you a whole week off to live your independent lives. Who has the larger income? What will you do about child support? That might be able to help you with the mortgage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby_Red Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 You’ll probably both have 50/50 Shared custody If you can afford to refi and he agreed that he will move out, nobody can make you sell the home - also good for the child to keep the home - it is probably in her school district, too, so that’s good 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 You do nothing financial until you speak to an attorney. If you want support navigating the divorce, enlisted the help of a therapist. Forums do not replace professional advice. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: You do nothing financial until you speak to an attorney. If you want support navigating the divorce, enlisted the help of a therapist. Forums do not replace professional advice. ^^^ This. A thousand times this. What happens to the house depends on the bank. They have to agree to let him off the mortgage. Can you swing that financially? Shared custody takes many forms -- physical custody, decision making etc. Courts will look at what is in the best interest of the child. At 12 the judge will listen to your daughter's opinion about where she wants to live but ultimately it's not her decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 8 hours ago, learntofly said: We have a 12 year old, old enough to decide if she has a preference I imagine? Right now she's being a total daddy's girl, it breaks my heart that I think she'll want to go with him. Just courious, why are you getting divorced and why did he move out? Talk to an attorney. A judge, not a 12 y/o, makes the decision about custody, visitation and child support. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author learntofly Posted December 23, 2020 Author Share Posted December 23, 2020 On 12/21/2020 at 8:33 PM, Lance Mannion said: Can you carry the mortgage on your own at present and can you carry a larger mortgage if you cash out his equity? That's the first question you need an answer to before you start trying to figure out what to do with the house. Can your husband look after your child for multiple days at a time? If you're both equally able to care for her, then one-week alternating schedules will work and gives each of you a whole week off to live your independent lives. Who has the larger income? What will you do about child support? That might be able to help you with the mortgage. I can carry the mortgage with his cash out if I refi for a longer term. Currently have about 7 years left, I'd have to refi for at least 15-20 years. His income is larger but not by a whole lot, I don't think I can expect child support if we do 50/50 custody. Link to post Share on other sites
Author learntofly Posted December 23, 2020 Author Share Posted December 23, 2020 (edited) On 12/21/2020 at 8:48 PM, Wiseman2 said: You do nothing financial until you speak to an attorney. If you want support navigating the divorce, enlisted the help of a therapist. Forums do not replace professional advice. I understand, just looking for some unofficial been there done that experiences of others. I only have one friend IRL I can talk to about this, none of our other friends or family know yet. When it comes down to it I'll be securing a lawyer and following their advice. On 12/22/2020 at 5:07 AM, Wiseman2 said: Just courious, why are you getting divorced and why did he move out? Talk to an attorney. A judge, not a 12 y/o, makes the decision about custody, visitation and child support. I mentioned on another thread. Pretty much since he came out as attracted to men my plan was to hang in there until the youngest was grown and out, but I just don't have it in me to keep up the pretense. I told him we could still stay in the same house, but it would be platonic, more like roommates - separate bedrooms, etc. He wants to move out because he thinks if I get some time away from him I'll want him back romantically. He's in the process of trying to find a place now, but I think with the holidays things may be on hold for a little bit. The plan for now is a separation, but not a legal one, to maintain separate households and separate accounts, but pool resources if necessary for things like unexpected car repair or something. It would probably better for both of us to just rip off the band-aid and move on officially, but we're both the type that have difficulty with change. It feels easier to stay in a crappy situation than venture into the unknown. Edited December 23, 2020 by learntofly Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 24, 2020 Share Posted December 24, 2020 19 hours ago, learntofly said: I can carry the mortgage with his cash out if I refi for a longer term. Currently have about 7 years left, I'd have to refi for at least 15-20 years. His income is larger but not by a whole lot, I don't think I can expect child support if we do 50/50 custody. You don't get child support -- your children do. Both you & he pay into a pot that belongs to them. It's not money to be used for you; it's for them. The bank does not have to agree to a longer term. You also might not be getting cash. You get the value not the cash. For example: if the house is worth $200,000 & there is $40,000 left to pay off but he has a 401k worth $100,000 you may get the house in exchange for giving up your right to the retirement account. You get value but no money actually changes hands. Then how do you pay for the house? You really need to talk to a lawyer & a financial planner. Do not assume things get split 50/50. Divorce is expensive so it's more like 1/3 to you. 1/3 to your EX and 1/3 to the lawyers. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted December 24, 2020 Share Posted December 24, 2020 There are still too may unknowns in this conversation. BUT... regardless... things change change even after you have decided on things. Unless there is a reason otherwise... and since you make close to the same $$$$... the realty is... 1) You would have to get a new mortgage in your name only, and buy his half of the equity. (That would roll into the new mortgage most likely) 2) You won't get alimony since you make the same $$$ 3) If he wants half custody, you won't get any child support. 4) The first time you ask for money to fix a car... it will be a fight. Just do this legal, and avoid the BS later. With that said... A) if he is leaving to be with his new BF... and he doesn't want to be bothered with the kids... then you can get Child support, and alimony to help with household stuff. B) If you can't get a new mortgage, you should expect to have to sell the house, and split any proceeds. I know you may not want to do that... but it's the reality of it. Anyway... talk with your stbXh to see what he's willing to do. Laws are different in every state, so then talk with a layer to get the legal documents drawn up. There's no way to really do it in between as emotions will run high when there is any issues. Heck... even after it's legal... emotions will run high when someone doesn't get there way. Good luck in moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted December 24, 2020 Share Posted December 24, 2020 11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You don't get child support -- your children do. Both you & he pay into a pot that belongs to them. It's not money to be used for you; it's for them. So right on that. I can't tell you how may people I've known, with a bad divorce, who just use the child support for themselves. 12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You really need to talk to a lawyer & a financial planner. Do not assume things get split 50/50. Divorce is expensive so it's more like 1/3 to you. 1/3 to your EX and 1/3 to the lawyers. I was worried about that, and hearing stories about getting random bills from the layer because of phone calls and whatnot. I asked my lawyer for a flat fee. We came to a reasonable arrangement, and I just cut one check. (actually, my mother did. She was so pissed off at my exW that she said "I will pay to get her out of the family") 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 24, 2020 Share Posted December 24, 2020 Just now, Blind-Sided said: I was worried about that, and hearing stories about getting random bills from the layer because of phone calls and whatnot. They are not random bills. Lawyers bill for their time & knowledge. You call every day to ask a question & the lawyer takes time to deal with you, that is time the lawyer must account for. So you get a bill. Nothing random about it. You used the service. One of my friends is a divorce attorney. He tells clients to get a therapist because in the long run it will be cheaper. He explains that he's not trained to deal with the emotional fall out & he charges probably 3-5x as much as the therapist but doesn't take insurance. You need to be strategic when you speak to the lawyer & not run up bills using the lawyer to solve your heartache. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted December 25, 2020 Share Posted December 25, 2020 You need to lose the fear of going to a lawyer, and you really need to get to a lawyer to nail this down. A lawyer knows your state law and the way the law and regulations are interpreted where you live. He also knows where you would be vulnerable as far as bills and so on. You absolutely need to consult with a lawyer. It will be worth every penny. Just google and ask for recommendations and fine a good one. BTW: good lawyers are really understanding and empathetic. They make their money by protecting their clients, and so they are no judgmental, and you really want to ask everything to the lawyer and share anything that is possibly relevant. You don't have to start with the divorce, but you need the lawyer's guidance to even proceed safely in separating. Go asap! A good lawyer can even make suggestions on how to communicate with your stb ex. You will feel better and saner and more knowledge and more safe after you consult with the lawyer. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThePhoenixStillRises Posted December 26, 2020 Share Posted December 26, 2020 First off, I am sorry that you are finding yourself in this situation. However, I speak from experience that you are better off going through this process, as difficult as it may be, than pretending for the years that are ahead of you until your child would be grown. Use those years to potentially build something better. Like most others, I too recommend that you enlist the services of a lawyer, preferably one who deals with divorces and family issues. My best piece of advice would be to ensure that your custody agreement is exactly what you want it to be. Be as specific as you can, because it is going to apply for several more years. Do not assume that your child is going to get a choice in the matter. Every state is different...but I think that most try to encourage a 50/50 custody arrangement that can take various forms. Also do not assume that you would not receive any alimony. States usually have a certain calculation to determine alimony. I was married for almost 18 years and would have been eligible for 4 years of alimony, even though our salaries were very similar. I chose not to pursue it because I wanted out as quickly as possible and knew he wouldn't pay it anyway. Instead I focused on getting a much better job and that has been the better decision in the long run. Also do not assume that you would not receive any type of child support, even under a 50/50 custody agreement. As for your house, if you truly want to keep it, then fight to keep it. I was given all kinds of reasons as to why I should let him keep the house, after he was very adamant that it would have to be sold and the profit split. I got tired of listening to it, knowing it was just more of his manipulation that I lived with for so long, so I walked away. I haven't really missed it, so, again, it was a better decision to move on. Make a list of what you really want to have at the end of all of this and focus on that...the things that are really important to you to move forward. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ABernie Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 (edited) I refied under my name and used cash to buy him out. We changed the deed during the process, which made it a little more expensive than a regular refi. I did a longer term as well, just as a safety. You can always pay more each month. We used a mediator, but I did have an attorney on retainer. It was key. I went into mediation knowing what was fair. Child support is for shelter, food, toiletries, and basic clothing. So using child support to pay the mortgage is acceptable. Everything else gets split based on income ratios. Medical, gifts, sports, hobbies, camps, tuitions, entertainment, school expenses/supplies/trips, child care, car, etc. In my state, there is a formula for child support based on # of children. There is a max as well, but since I live in a more expensive part of the state, judges will go above the max. Edited December 27, 2020 by ABernie Sentence structure 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 You'll have to consult an attorney. In some jurisdictions maneuvering assets around in contemplation of divorce can backfire. You'll need to do things legally hiding/changing assets can penalized you. You'll have to get legal advice specific to your situation. Divorce is not a DIY situation. There's no such thing as free legal advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author learntofly Posted January 6, 2021 Author Share Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) I appreciate the input. I was very overwhelmed when I posted. As an update, I've spoken with a lawyer. There are assets I haven't even considered, and we're figuring out the division of everything, beginning the legal process of splitting up, just getting started with paperwork, and he's moving out next week. Spoke to the mortgage company and once the court approves everything I'll be able to refi in my name only with a monthly payment that is affordable for me. Taking that first giant step was scary, but there's some relief now that I have the ball rolling. The process has been "friendly" between us for now, hopefully it stays that way. Edited January 6, 2021 by learntofly 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 Sounds good--or as good as a divorce could be. Glad you got to a lawyer. Glad that things seem sane and "friendly." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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