What's the best way to make this happen

[dragonwalker]

Ok, so for anyone interested I am posting a follow up to this girl and situation that I posted a few months back in my most recent previous post. The quick summary is I'm 32, dating life always been  pretty dismal, I live in a house with a bunch of room mates and one that I'm attracted to and haven't made much headway till now. 

Now I know it's not a good idea the whole room mate issue. BUT, our landlord is selling the home in about 6 months and we will all need to move out and after tonight I do want to make a move just not sure how. She has lived here about 1.5 years and we've been mostly just friendly, she is 24. Just recently she had some random issues which I offered to help and it took a few hours. Uncharacteristically I felt really comfortable and confident today and took the initiative to finish helping her with something (although I really just wanted an excuse to talk to her). I had asked her before like some excuse to get food which she declined but she accepted this time when she could easily have said no. Throughout this time we had this really interesting and cool conversation about our lives, random stuff and some personal stuff over a couple hours. 

She shared something sexual in nature it wasn't graphic more personal than anything and it happened after I related something to her that was not sexual or dark but kind of related to our situation. For the first time I think there was a deeper connection made. After the last "conversation" I suddenly felt this confidence to be determined to ask her out. Where as before I had managed to talk myself out of doing anything. Now I know it's not a good idea but we ARE moving out so the whole room mate situation will be resolved. 

I've always had sexual fantasies of her so I'm sure part of that is clouding my judgement but I don't care anymore and I just want there to be something. I fee like I need to sink or swim. Fail in order to succeed. Given the timeline and the situation that most recently happened when and how should I ask her more intentionally? I'm 99% sure she doesn't have an existing boyfriend although she does date other guys. I'm not fazed by this at all and for some reason the knowledge that she shared with me about this somehow turned me on to the idea to pursuing her. 

Should I wait till closer until we actually move out? Should I share something sooner? I feel like if I wait I'll lose whatever this confidence/feeling I have and it would be more awkward later. When I ask should I do it casually over text or speak to her in person. I am really not sure what came over me but I'm normally the overanalytical, cautious, geeky, safe guy/friend that talks himself out of doing anything risky or uncomfortable dating wise (who has literally seen girls I like and do nothing about get married and move on). I suddenly found this burst of confidence. I don't understand why. Although I would say I've behaved and feel like how I would with a much closer friend. How do I channel this into something productive ??  

[redbaron007]

You're overthinking this way too much. Walk up to her, look straight at her with a slight smile and ask her out. Exact words don't matter. It can be as simple as "hey, I'd love to hangout with you sometime" or "we should hangout sometime"...something short and straight to the point. If she says yes, that's great. If she says no to your face (very rare) or gives you an excuse ("I'm too busy" is a favorite one), then take the hint and move on. Have an "abundance" mentality (many women out there, if not you, I'll find someone else), not a "scarcity" mentality (she's the only one in the world for me kind of bulls***).

[dragonwalker]

ya thanks, it's not every day I got Manfred von Rictofen giving me the good advice! ok so I didn't mention in this post but previously there had been an opportunity almost perfect that she made her excuse out of but yes before our most recent exchange? Should I try again??

[Lance Mannion]

Pull her into your world, find something interesting to do and use your magnetic charms to pull her along. Make sure it's something you have some command of, show her mastery. Make it fun, make it light, make it no pressure. This means that the initial approach cannot be high stress for you, where she senses her presence is the entire purpose of this outing. You are a man with a mission, you will go about your mission and hey, it would be cool if she wanted to come along, but if not, cool too, see ya, I'm off on my mission.

The above is a better approach than opening negotiations and trying to find something to do with her, even an outright date of some kind. You've lived in close proximity to her for a long time, so she sees the obvious things about you. The above is to open a new side of yourself to her, something she hasn't seen. The time for soulful confession sessions is later, after she's into your world.

The goal is to impress her in a way that she sees you in a bit of a different light, right now you are a familiar brother-figure to her, there is no mystery, so in that situation I don't think you're primed for go. Remember, the world, and her life, does not revolve around your present angst and feelings about her, only your mind and heart and desire is influenced and that's not enough to make a good go of what you want to accomplish.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, dragonwalker said:

 previously there had been an opportunity almost perfect that she made her excuse out of but yes before our most recent exchange? Should I try again??

When you move out stay in touch and ask her out then.

Even though you're fantasizing about her, it's inappropriate at this time to attempt to create a very awkward scenario for her, you and the other roommates.

Her being friendly, as your roommate is not some sort of green light. She's talking to you to be sociable because you both live there.

Step back from this and date women you don't live in the same house with. 

 

[Millennial]

I think it's a bad idea. Not good to complicate your home life, 6 months or not.

[d0nnivain]

Engage with her & flirt now.  Build up interest & desire.  Wait a bit to ask her out because you still have to co-habitate for 6 months.  Maybe around the 3 month mark you can make your move.   If you all together on NYE do grab a kiss a midnight.  Perhaps get her a single white rose for Valentines Day.  You want her intrigued in the short term

 

[dragonwalker]

On 12/22/2020 at 5:40 AM, d0nnivain said:

Engage with her & flirt now.  Build up interest & desire.  Wait a bit to ask her out because you still have to co-habitate for 6 months.  Maybe around the 3 month mark you can make your move.   If you all together on NYE do grab a kiss a midnight.  Perhaps get her a single white rose for Valentines Day.  You want her intrigued in the short term

 

Ok so I was thinking about what I could say or do to maybe build up that interest and with everything going on it's so hard to think of something but I thought of an idea that I wanted to check in with people to see if it makes sense or if it's weird.

So I know from talking to this girl that she does smoke pot on occasion and use to smoke it every day. She smokes some variety that doesn't leave an odor at all outside her room. We talked about this once before and I did mention I've smoked before and the experience was enjoyable. Normally I never smoke pot but coincidentally a few months before when the subject came up I just happened to have recently smoked some and was able to relate. 

So...my plan was to casually text her sometime next week about asking her to do me a favor and saying that I had an enjoyable experience smoking before but since I'm new at it and none of the people I've done it before are around could we smoke together and she could kind of show me more of the ropes. Now I was leaving it open to her as to when but I think it's a great time because it's just basically her and I in the house for the entire next week and I don't think she has family near by so good chance she'll be around for some of it.  Assuming she was open to it I would suggest maybe doing it in her room or mine and basically buy all of the pot that either one of us would smoke. There is actually an option where we could do it in the backyard where there is a heater outback.  

Now the idea here is to kind of relax and talk a bit and maybe get to know her better casually and if things go really well tell her I'd like to get to know her even better. When I did last smoke some pot last I got pretty animated and things were really funny and I was able to laugh more easily and I felt light hearted and so much less anxious. I felt good and open and relaxed. I didn't really want to wait weeks or months down the line because again I'm still feeling great about the experience I had talking to her days ago after spending a few hours helping her fix an issue and the fact that we would be alone so less pressure on her mind about what the other roommates might think although she isn't close to anyone else. Another thing I thought about this idea is it's not a "date" or anything so no pressure on that just  casually hanging out. Again, we are all going to be moving out in less than 5 months because the landlord is selling the home so that's why I'm comfortable making a move. 

Does this plan sound like it could work? Anyone have any suggestions how I could pull this off successfully? I really want to make this go somewhere. I like her but I want to play it cool. 

 

Edited December 25, 2020 by dragonwalker

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, dragonwalker said:

 casually text her sometime next week about asking her to do me a favor and saying that I had an enjoyable experience smoking before but since I'm new at it and none of the people I've done it before are around could we smoke together and she could kind of show me more of the ropes. 

Oh yikes! Don't text this. Creepy as hell.

Leave her alone  She lives there as a business arrangement of defraying living costs.

Don't make a move on her. It's awkward for everyone and completely lacks appropriate boundaries.

Housesharing is not a singles club. She has the right to move about her living space without being hit on by roommates.

Mentioning weed smoking habits in writing is as creepy and offputting as hitting on female roommates.

Get a handle on yourself and date women outside the house.

[dragonwalker]

Ok wiseman I went against your advice and I did ask her in person at first she was saying she would be down to do it but not that night. I was about to leave when suddenly our roommate that was in the house comes out of nowhere to the kitchen and acts as if he's getting something than says to both of us I'm always anxious coming the kitchen. I had flashbacks to what my room mate told me about what happened in the house and right now he was doing the exact same weird thing. Anyway she leaves but I initiate the text conv talking about it and then she end up offering me to vape from her vape. I accept. 

We are outside with a heater and taking hits from the vape. We are talking about random stuff. She has her leg propped up on the chair not in a sexy pose but just up and bent downward. Anyway we smoke and talk for about 20 minutes, then she says she's getting sleepy and then kind of cuts it off there. 

I'm not exactly sure what happened I think maybe she really did get sleepy because she went to bed afterwards but one thing she mentioned was telling was that she said she's going to take a break from relationships and just have fun.  I think the prospects of serious relationship is over but how can I continue it to the next step?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, dragonwalker said:

 our roommate that was in the house comes out of nowhere to the kitchen and acts as if he's getting something than says to both of us I'm always anxious coming the kitchen. 

Ok, your other roommates are already mentioning how awkward this is becoming.

If you want to go outside and vape, smoke weed whatever, fine but clearly she doesn't want to be hit on and clearly mentioned she doesn't want any relationships right now.

That's the usual friendzone speech. Be friends, roommates,etc. But she and the other roommates have made things crystal clear.

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, dragonwalker said:

I think the prospects of serious relationship is over but how can I continue it to the next step?

You can't, she made it clear she is not interested.
Your flatmate I guess came in to rescue her from the kitchen and she then managed to duck out and get away from you.
You then decided to railroad her into a vaping session.
Politely she accepted BUT she cut your cosy vape session off short, and she told you she is not interested in getting involved.
NO-ONE who is interested would act in this way.
Take the hint, is my advice.

[dragonwalker]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You can't, she made it clear she is not interested.
Your flatmate I guess came in to rescue her from the kitchen and she then managed to duck out and get away from you.
You then decided to railroad her into a vaping session.
Politely she accepted BUT she cut your cosy vape session off short, and she told you she is not interested in getting involved.
NO-ONE who is interested would act in this way.
Take the hint, is my advice.

@wiseman2 and @elaine567, the two of you completely misinterpreted the nature of what happened with what our other room mate did and how that SPECIFICALLY to her actually offering to vape with me so I will explain. I mentioned about a week ago when I first posted we got to talking together when I was helping her (which I'll call Jane) out. I had mentioned various things happening around the house and she mentioned this shocking thing that this 3rd room mate which I will call Bob did something very strange and wrong. Jane was with a guy in her room and they were having sex. She says with him only the first time and this room mate Bob out of nowhere barges into her room and ofcourse causes a major scene and freaks her out. Apparently she demands and explanation that according to her she never gets and from that point forward completely tries to ignore him and she tried to get him kicked out but was unsuccessful. She suspected maybe he was jealous of the fact that she brought another guy with her even though she and him have never been anything but just casual acquaintances as room mates and rarely spoken. This occurred at the beginning of the year.

Now I happened to also talk to Bob recently one on one between any of this happened about random stuff and he mentions this fact that he is anxious whenever he comes into the kitchen. We are talking 1 on 1 and he talks about a lot of other stuff but I never quite understand why. No I don't think he is referring specifically to me but really social encounters in general. The conversation I have with him ends up probably being the longest and in depth in the 4 years he has been here. Again it was pretty casual talked about his life, the house, about the short term plan our landlord had of selling which he didn't know. It ended on a good note. 

Fast forward to yesterday and Jane and I are just talking casually in the kitchen about having a smoke session and yes she's setting up to say no for today for various reasons one of which is she just wants to relax without smoking today and another that she is supposedly taking some kind of medication and reduced how much she is smoking but she says a few times she would be down to do it next time. Ok sure so basically we are in the part of the conversation where I accept that.

Then suddenly Bob comes to the kitchen and this guy is a nervous wreck! His voice is literally shaking and he is fidgeting and he out of nowhere tells both of us he always get nervous when he comes to the kitchen. It was just SO incredibly strange and awkward. Jane tries to actually calm him down and just say it's ok and he just stands around for a few minutes saying that and I just stay quiet not sure what to think because I know he has mentioned to me privately that he does feel "awkward" coming to the kitchen yet I know what he did to Jane. This guy without a doubt has some kind of social/anxiety issue other people have brought it up before but aside from the time he broke into Jane's room it's always been harmless and he is just extremely reserved. I'm thinking he is having another episode just like back in the early of the year where he barged in out of some kind of weird jealously just because I'm talking to her. I have no idea how well he could have heard our conversation because we were just talking in normal tones and his room is pretty far from the kitchen. 

Anyway Jane runs off and Bob sticks around for another few minutes just standing and saying nothing while I'm eating some food and then he leaves. Right after I text her and we are sharing a relatable moment of shere amazement of what just happened. She even feels a little bad for him for how nervous he seemed but we both just agree it is very very awkward. She even comes back out while I'm in the kitchen and we are both hush hush talking and laughing about the situation. She thought perhaps he was trying to apologize what happened at the beginning of the year.  She mentioning that we have to smoke sometime and talk about this. I mention as a joke that I probably want to smoke more than ever now. She then offers me if it's alright to share her vape! I say sure and SHE offers and says she's down to do it. 

Ok so yes we go out and we are sharing her vape for about 20 minutes taking puffs continuously from Jane's vape which I have never done. I'm not really getting high. I don't know why that is I know when I smoke a blunt awhile back after 10 years of not trying I didn't get high but the 2 nd time after I suddenly did and things got rally funny and it was great. Anyway, given how much we were vaping I think any normal person would have felt the effects already and she was and then yes at some point she said she was getting sleepy and she left and she did I think go to sleep. While we were talking though yes she mentions she is probably going to take a brake from relationships but just have fun. At this point I haven't said anything about wanting a relationship with her. It's just casually out for a smoke and relaxing I mean would she honestly say she is out for fun if she doesn't want anything to do with me? Would she offer to get close to me and smoke from her vape if she wasn't feeling right about it. Would she tell me if it's alright to contact me if Bob does something weird? I almost thought she was down for something but neither of us made any move to that and I thought it best not to try as we are both "under the influence." Just to be clear I didn't do anything inappropriate we did talk some more about some personal/relationship stuff  all pretty low key. 

Sorry for the long post but this is kind of a way for me to talk this out myself because this has never happened to me before and it's quite unusual as I am trying to see if there is any path forward with Jane. I think for now I'm going to lay low, stay friendly and see how it goes.     

 

[elaine567]

Ok the Bob guy does sound a little weird, not sure what is really going on there, but I still don't think Jane is interested in you. Sorry to say.