Should I leave? I'm a Husband)

[Billy ellis]

Hi, 
Been married 9 years, two beautiful young children.
My question is, should I leave?
 
A couple years ago it suddenly dawned on me, I don’t think she likes me any more. To be honest we no longer have sex, but it dawned on me after a couple comments and even a slight cringe when touching her.
I’m sure she will always love me, but certainly not romantically anymore. I feel like I have not changed, we were always loved up, it changed without me noticing anything building up.
I have now found her reading on divorce and dealing with a narcissistic husband.
I don’t feel I am, trouble is I doubt I would know if I was narcissistic! 
My gut feeling is that I am not. I don’t feel entitled, though I do dream. For instance, I give with the best dinners and things when I serve them, a narcissistic would be entitled to have the best. I would like to think I respect people’s opinions too.
I feel perhaps I have traits at times, but don’t I am. Maybe it’s a buzz word she’s picked up to analyse me??

Anyway, she’s clearly not happy so should I leave to give her a chance at happiness? She hasn’t asked me too or remotely hinted to it.
But if she is not happy, maybe she will resent/hate me soon.
I don’t also want to leave my babies. I’m stuck not knowing what to do. 

Thanks

Edited December 22, 2020 by Billy ellis

[d0nnivain]

Tell her you know what she's reading & that you are hurt by the lack of sex & her cringing when you touch her but that you love her & would like to fight to save your marriage.  Offer to go to MC to work through the problem. 

See what that gets you

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Billy ellis said:

I have now found her reading on divorce and dealing with a narcissistic husband.

Sorry this is happening. Huge red flags 🚩.

Not the narcissist part but researching divorce.

You need to get your ducks in a row or you'll be blindsided.

Have you talked about marriage therapy?

In any case do your own homework and privately consult an attorney about divorce and custody issues.

It's in the works from her end so be prepared.

 

[salparadise]

I think you need to have a conversation and ask. Are you trying to initiate sex and getting rebuffed? Do you do things together and feel connected in any way? If she has checked out completely and if she believes that you are the problem, that will be hard to overcome. Appeasement is not a good strategy unless she's still invested and working on it too. So that's the first step –– communicate and determine where the two of you stand. One thing that puzzles me is that you seem to be worried about her feelings but not your own. Surely you couldn't be happy if there's no affection or feelings of connection. Your needs are important too. Most men would be expressing a lot of dissatisfaction at being in a sexless marriage, but you seem to be willing to accept it. This sounds more like codependency than narcissism. I think you should expect more, not with an attitude of entitlement, but because your happiness matters. 

[Billy ellis]

25 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I think you need to have a conversation and ask. Are you trying to initiate sex and getting rebuffed? Do you do things together and feel connected in any way? If she has checked out completely and if she believes that you are the problem, that will be hard to overcome. Appeasement is not a good strategy unless she's still invested and working on it too. So that's the first step –– communicate and determine where the two of you stand. One thing that puzzles me is that you seem to be worried about her feelings but not your own. Surely you couldn't be happy if there's no affection or feelings of connection. Your needs are important too. Most men would be expressing a lot of dissatisfaction at being in a sexless marriage, but you seem to be willing to accept it. This sounds more like codependency than narcissism. I think you should expect more, not with an attitude of entitlement, but because your happiness matters. 

Thanks for commenting. To be clear I am unhappy that I have no romance now. I find my wife incredibly attractive also.

however, I do love her,  so would rather be with her without intimacy then not. But not if she gets to the resentment stage I guess.

We get along. I think it’s more like two adults living together with a common goal of raising the kids. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with that. Finding what she was reading hurt though, I can’t stop thinking about it. I must have done something (or not done something) for this. However, I’m not going to be fake to try and fool her into thinking I’ve changed to what she wants. I am me. I’m going to try and think a bit more about how I approach things however where I can. Maybe it’s just a rough patch.

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Huge red flags 🚩.

Not the narcissist part but researching divorce.

You need to get your ducks in a row or you'll be blindsided.

Have you talked about marriage therapy?

In any case do your own homework and privately consult an attorney about divorce and custody issues.

It's in the works from her end so be prepared.

 

I’m really not a good talker. I struggle with emotional talk. Maybe that’s half the issue! 😂

Honestly not worried being blindsided. Kids would I guess rather live with mummy. She’s not the sort to stop me seeing them.

I would happily give her the house and move out and pay whatever. I would not ever make my kids struggle.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, Billy ellis said:

I’m really not a good talker. I struggle with emotional talk. Maybe that’s half the issue!

Well it's time to get better at it.  Good news:  it's a learned skill.  MC will help you.  Try it. 

[Billy ellis]

Thanks

[FMW]

I agree, talk to her about going to marriage counseling.  Don't just leave without trying to save your marriage, and don't wait and let the distance between you grow.  At some point you may reach the point of no return, but it doesn't sound like that's where you are yet.    

[Harry Korsnes]

I think your on the edge of loosing feelings for her, and thats not good for either of you.

Its time for that long talk to diside Whats next, and get cousoling together and separate.

I wish you and your family the best of luck and a peacfull xmas.

[vla1120]

Like others have recommended, talk to her. Ask her to see a marriage counselor. Do whatever you need to do to save your marriage because, while you express that you feel more like roommates than husband and wife, you also still expressed that you love her and you are attracted to her. Try some romantic gestures. Take her out and pay close attention to everything she says to you. Talk to her about your future. Let her know your feelings. 

As far as the narcissist thing - it's really a buzz word that I see being tossed around quite a bit. I was married to a man who was official diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). If you were a narcissist, you would not question whether you might be and you wouldn't be out here looking for advice, mark my words. 😂

I think your marriage is very salvageable. Just communicate with her. 

[Harry Korsnes]

14 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Like others have recommended, talk to her. Ask her to see a marriage counselor. Do whatever you need to do to save your marriage because, while you express that you feel more like roommates than husband and wife, you also still expressed that you love her and you are attracted to her. Try some romantic gestures. Take her out and pay close attention to everything she says to you. Talk to her about your future. Let her know your feelings. 

As far as the narcissist thing - it's really a buzz word that I see being tossed around quite a bit. I was married to a man who was official diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). If you were a narcissist, you would not question whether you might be and you wouldn't be out here looking for advice, mark my words. 😂

I think your marriage is very salvageable. Just communicate with her. 

Dont think its much about saving, it's more about how they feel and what their needs and wants are.

[ctdans]

I don't think the question is "should you leave" I think it is "should you prepare for when she leaves".  It sounds like emotionally she is already gone.  It is now how you prepare for the final blow.  Be prepared financially, legally, and emotionally, as best you can.  In the mean time keep trying to communicate.

[Mrin]

If you thoughts for you:

1. It's really common for a woman to think her man is a narcissist when going through relationship troubles. And sometimes it works the other way around. 

2. For your peace of mind Google free narcissist test and take one of those. They are sort of pop psychology but will give you at least a directional indicator. 

3. You sound really disconnected from your wife emotionally. Maybe it is just that you haven't shared much with us in that regard. But I have to tell you brother, you post has a very "TV isn't working as well as it used to, should I get a new one before it catches fire" vibe to it. Now, the fact that you are here probably means that's not actually how you feel. But my gut tells me that's how it feels to your wife. And my gut also tells me you have little or no idea where she is emotionally. Whether her emotional needs are being fulfilled. Have you had a deep, juicy, sticky, vulnerable heart to heart talk with her in the last 3 years? Or are you operating just off of how she is being and acting? Take the no sex or the recoiling from your touch thing - do you really know what's up with that? Have you really talked to her about it in an open and meaningful way?

[emprosnet7]

I hear a lot about the term "narsisist husband" and I wonder if this is an easy way to put the blame on one side

[Perdu]

Talk to her ASAP in a calm and non accusatory manner, so that she can open about her thoughts and feelings.

Don't assume that she is ready to divorce right away, but she certainly sees a problem between you two and tries to investigate on her own. She may identify that problem as being caused by your behaviour (hence the "narcissistic" part) and her withholding sex may be her way of signaling that she is not happy with how your behaviour affects her.

If you do want to stay in the marriage at this point, the first step is to communicate, acknowledge the problem(s) you both have and then try to solve them together, maybe  do some counseling.

[bananatree]

@Billy ellis Narcissism is a cluster b personality disorder that is defined by lack of empathy, inability to maintain intimate relationships, delusions of grandeur and the hallmark "narcissistic abuse" that includes control and manipulation tactics. The fact that you are questioning whether or not you might be a narcissist is a pretty good indication that you are not one.  The fact that you say you love your wife and want to stay with her even if your hopes and expectations (like intimacy) are not met, is another indication you are not one.  Also, the fact that you are willing to leave to make safeguard your wife's happiness is also an indication you are not.

So, why does she feel you are?  You are going to have to have a conversation.

[Harry Korsnes]

11 hours ago, bananatree said:

@Billy ellis Narcissism is a cluster b personality disorder that is defined by lack of empathy, inability to maintain intimate relationships, delusions of grandeur and the hallmark "narcissistic abuse" that includes control and manipulation tactics. The fact that you are questioning whether or not you might be a narcissist is a pretty good indication that you are not one.  The fact that you say you love your wife and want to stay with her even if your hopes and expectations (like intimacy) are not met, is another indication you are not one.  Also, the fact that you are willing to leave to make safeguard your wife's happiness is also an indication you are not.

So, why does she feel you are?  You are going to have to have a conversation.

Wonder how he should of reacted when she satt him down and Said she might be lesbian? Maybe? Ok honny go have fun and I'll se you in a week or two. Or I'll try to grow a tree with out a banana😊

[bananatree]

6 hours ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Wonder how he should of reacted when she satt him down and Said she might be lesbian? Maybe? Ok honny go have fun and I'll se you in a week or two. Or I'll try to grow a tree with out a banana😊

That was another thread. And it seems you double posted.  What does that situation of the other poster have to do with this one?

[Harry Korsnes]

24 minutes ago, bananatree said:

That was another thread. And it seems you double posted.  What does that situation of the other poster have to do with this one?

Sorry about that it was the wrong thread. 

[bananatree]

22 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Sorry about that it was the wrong thread. 

No problem.  Funny joke though lol

[Harry Korsnes]

16 minutes ago, bananatree said:

No problem.  Funny joke though lol

Allways like a good joke👍

[JustShocked]

Your situation mirrors mine very much.  9 years into the relationship and my wife files for divorce from her “narcissistic” husband.  That was ten years ago.  The comments you made about her cringing at your touch is common, devastating, and usually the beginning of the end.  I echo the sentiment of other comments that say you should prepare for when she leaves.  I wouldn’t spend any time on the narcissist label.  Most likely your wife is just trying to find an explanation for what she is feeling. 
Contact a lawyer ASAP and get your ducks in a row legally.  Have a plan ready that protects you in case divorce happens and you aren’t caught blind sided.  Go to the gym and pick up some of your old hobbies.  Don’t argue at all.  She might be looking for reasons to get rid of you, so don’t give her any.  
If she says that she notices a change in you, then you are off to a good start.  I think many times, the wife in these situations is trying to understand why their feelings have changed.  

[Watercolors]

Billy ellis, my grandparents were married for over 60 years. They met at 17, married at 18. Do you know how they stayed together so long? Communication. If you and your wife don't communicate with each other on a regular basis and instead, just make assumptions because it's comfortable to do that, and then build off those assumptions what you think is a fact, when it's just your own distorted thinking at play well that's what gets people into trouble. You have to learn the fine art of communication with your wife. That's literally the one marriage tool that many divorced couples let grow dull and they just don't bother sharpening for themselves or for their partner. It's just easier to divorce then talk to each other. 

After 9 years you feel like roommates with your wife, correct? That's normal. Long-term marriages like my grandparents are rare now, because everyone has a divorce lawyer saved in their favorites on speed dial. 

If you want to find out why your wife thinks you are a narcissist etc. you need to talk to her. Don't play games. Don't make assumptions. Just ask her questions. Communication is the name of the game here. 

[Watercolors]

On 12/22/2020 at 7:22 AM, Billy ellis said:

I’m really not a good talker. I struggle with emotional talk. Maybe that’s half the issue!

Oh my god. Really. It's not half the issue. It's the whole problem.

I should have pasted this in my previous post. You NEED to get the cahones right now and talk to your wife. Stop pussyfooting around her like she has a disease. That you struggle with emotional intimacy is the crux of your marriage issues, most likely. Stop hiding. You married this woman and had children with her. You need to learn that emotional intimacy is not the bubonic plague. You need emotional intimacy to make any relationship work, let alone your marriage. What about your kids? Do you have an emotional connection to any of them or do you treat them with detached love? 

Emotional detachment is the death of all marriages. You need to reign in your fear of being vulnerable and study Brene Brown's book, Dare to Lead. She did studies for decades on people and fear and how people repress their fear rather than own it and be vulnerable. 

[trident_2020]

Everybody's ex or soon-to-be-ex is a narcissist.

Don't take it personally.