Frustraing Father

[Alice In Wonderland]

Hi,

 

I'm half new here. I used to use these boards about 2 yrs ago but I lost the link and have just recently, happily, found my way back.

 

Just some background info, I'm 17, high school student, live with dad and step mom, honor student, ROTC top cadet.

 

I’m here because I need help with my dad accepting my boyfriend.

 

I have had boyfriends in the past, but my dad only knew about one of them. It was my most recent exboyfriend and my dad never openly talked with me about dating him. He knew we liked each other, but he insisted on only calling John my "friend" and after we broke up asking if we "Weren't friends anymore". He would let me spend weekends with John and go places with him like the mall and movies. Our first official date (where he met my dad) my dad actually spent $150 to rent me a costume dress, jewelry, and get my hair done for a reenactment ball. (Civil War reenactment, its a Southern thing lol). As far as I know, my Dad knew John and I both cared about each other and he didn't have a problem with us spending time together. He and I dated off and on for about a year and half. After we broke up for the final time, my dad admitted that John had always seemed "cocky and arrogant" (which he was). He said he never trusted him or even really liked him. Yet he didn’t have a problem with me spending all day at his house or going out with him. He gave me grief every now and then, but overall he seemed okay with it.

 

Well, looking back I know that John was not the great guy I thought he was at the time. (thus why we had all the breakups). He and I still remain slightly complicated friends.

 

For a long time after we broke up I wasn't interested in any guy who wasn't John. Then one night at the Homecoming game I met one of Johns old friends, Curtis. I thought he was cute and we liked each other but didn't plan on being serious because he is in the Air Force (he was 19 at the time, now 20) and he was going to be leaving soon. He went to my school and was well known and well liked. We had many of the same friends. But he was stationed in California, which is the no-exaggeration opposite side of the country from where I live.

 

But even though he was only home for roughly a week and 1/2, we still ended up really caring about each other. Something just clicked. After he went back to California we kept talking. About a week after he'd been gone we decided to try a long distance relationship. (I was 16 at the time, he was 19). Curtis is a very innocent person, as am I truthfully, he has never done drugs or had sex, he believes in being honest with people and holding ones integrity above all else. In essence, he is everything that John wasn’t and more. We have been dating for almost a year now.

And I haven’t seen him for a single day of it. Due to extenuating circumstances, he has not been allowed leave to come home. (His shop is short on people, also he failed his level-up test twice, etc) We still maintained a very loving, and extremely happy relationship. He has never cheated on me. I know this because we went through a time where I did kiss another guy. (Very early into our relationship) We have agreed from the beginning that if anything were to happen, we would tell the other immediately. We both know that if we are honest with each other, we can work through it, but a lie will tear us apart. I was honest with him and we worked through it. I know Curtis has never done anything with another girl, because he would have told me. Lying and cheating are just not in his nature, they against his very beliefs.

 

Sorry, kind of went on a tangent there.

 

Anyway back to the point. We have been dating for almost a year now.

 

My father severely disapproves. He does not like us talking at all and will find any reason he can to keep us from talking. He doesn't like us sending pictures through email (all clean pictures of course nothing dirty) and whenever I mention him coming home, he says, "He can keep his ass in California."

 

Well, Curtis has finally been granted leave. He is coming home on Oct. 14th for 18 days. I've told my dad far in advance that he is coming home soon. My dad frequently asks me questions about him (what kind of education does he have, What are the plans for when he comes home, etc) which I understand. But anything I say, he replies negativly to.

 

He is allowing me to see Curtis when he comes home, but he is fighting me all the way for it.

 

He really doesn't want to meet him. He always has something negative to say about him. He doesn't want us spending virtually any time together. (He says he can pick me up Saturday around 2 and bring me home around 7. And we can’t see each other Sunday because that is "too much time together". He seems to constantly imply that we can’t be trusted to be alone together. This hurts my feelings deeply because I’ve never given him a reason not to trust me. Again I haven’t seen him in a year, and may not see him after this for another year, and I want to spend as much time with him as possible. But my dad seems dead set to keep it to the barest minimum. If I utter even one word in my defense or pleading for more leniencies, he begins to yell at me. And I mean literally yell and scream. Mostly about how I should be thankful he is letting me even talk to "this boy" and how he shouldn’t let me see him at all and how Curtis is not going to "come between us" and that we are going to do what he says and shut up about it.

 

I know he's just afraid of losing his baby girl, and the fact is that my dad is a bonefide control freak (which ruined his second marriage and is why many of my grown siblings don’t involve him much in their lives, they are married and he still tries to run their lives), but that’s no excuse.

 

It is like Curtis is my first boyfriend. And he didn't even LIKE John, in fact he said he didn’t like or trust him, but he NEVER protested when I spent time with John. He hasn't even met Curt yet and he's got it set in his mind to hate him and keep us as far away from each other as possible.

 

I obviously care a lot for Curt and plan on him being in my life for a very long time. This is hard for me because in order to do that I have to struggle with my dad nearly everyday just for the right to call him. I feel extremely frustrated because I get to see him rarely and don’t want to have to fight with my dad to be able to spend time with him when I can.

 

My dad knows that I am an honor student, outstanding cadet in my military unit that I am deeply devoted to, on School improvement council, a Class Officer Executive, that I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or have sex.

(Truth be known, I have had sex once but he doesnt know ANYTHING about it and still beilives 100% that I am a virgin) He knows that my friends are just like me. He knows that my friends all like Curtis, my teachers taught and liked him, and that nearly everyone supports our relationship. I have told him before that Curt does not drink or have sex, although he smokes black and mild (cigars). It’s very obvious that we're both two amazing, good, and moral people.

 

How can he trust me so much with John, who was an obvious jerk, but not like me even talking to Curt over the phone?

And what can I do to help this situation?

 

I want to talk to and spend time with my boyfriend, but I’m getting so worn down from all the friction it’s causing with my dad. I refuse to give Curt up, but I don’t think I can take the fighting anymore either. Can someone please help me?

 

I really apologize for this being so long but I figure in order to get accurate and fair advice you guys have to have knowledge of the situation. I hope ya’ll understand and can offer me some helpful advice.

 

THANK YOU SO MUCH I REALLY APPERCIATE THIS, I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO!

 

 

Alice

[suegail]

Well, many young people have gone through this sort of thing and often times have been forbidden altogether to see one another. At least your dad is willing to let you see him, and maybe once your dad gets the chance to sit down with Curtis and gets to know him he may feel differently about things. Try asking your dad to do that. Have Curtis over for dinner one night and let them talk.

 

It could be that your dad is reacting because he can see that you are very serious about how you feel. Maybe your dad didn't see the other kid as any kind of threat because he didn't really take it seriously, but you are now growing up in this way, thinking along the lines of 'this may be the one.'

 

I think things will be alright...and I wish you all the best...

[Alice In Wonderland]

^_^

 

Just letting you know that my dad met Curtis yesterday afternoon and it seemed to go over well.

 

Thank you for the advice.

 

 

Alice