Is it ever ok to ghost?

[Maria1956]

When it seems to be the only way out? Back story, affair with MM almost 3 years. I’m also married. We get on great but he suffers with extreme retrograde jealousy, he can’t get over the fact that I have a sexual history. Aside from that things are good we get in really well, obviously lockdown has made things really hard in terms of seeing each other but we keep in touch. Today he told me my sexual history is causing him to have depression and is like a black cloud hanging over us. He’s constantly asking me about previous lovers and then throwing a fit about it but today is the last straw for me as he’s made me feel utterly ashamed of my past. It’s affecting my mental and physical health. I’ve had this for three years. The only way out is to ghost him, if I call him and tell him it’s over he’ll work his way back in and I’ll fold. Aside from the fact that what we are doing is wrong all I want to do is block, delete, move on. What shall I do? 

[DKT3]

You could tell the betrayed spouses...that often works really well with ending affairs.

[Maria1956]

10 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

You could tell the betrayed spouses...that often works really well with ending affairs.

Thank you that’s super helpful. I thought this was meant to be a non judgemental forum? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Maria1956 said:

 It’s affecting my mental and physical health.

Tell him it's over, the delete and block him and all his people from ALL your messaging apps and social media. Unfortunately he's not "affecting your mental and physical health", you are by staying involved in this.

Make an appointment with a doctor  for an evaluation and a referral to a therapist to sort out the real root of theses issues.

[VD01]

1 hour ago, Maria1956 said:

When it seems to be the only way out? Back story, affair with MM almost 3 years. I’m also married. We get on great but he suffers with extreme retrograde jealousy, he can’t get over the fact that I have a sexual history. Aside from that things are good we get in really well, obviously lockdown has made things really hard in terms of seeing each other but we keep in touch. Today he told me my sexual history is causing him to have depression and is like a black cloud hanging over us. He’s constantly asking me about previous lovers and then throwing a fit about it but today is the last straw for me as he’s made me feel utterly ashamed of my past. It’s affecting my mental and physical health. I’ve had this for three years. The only way out is to ghost him, if I call him and tell him it’s over he’ll work his way back in and I’ll fold. Aside from the fact that what we are doing is wrong all I want to do is block, delete, move on. What shall I do? 

Does your Spouses know of your A?

its never okay to Ghost imo since the other party will keep wondering whatever happened.

But yes, it is better for you to leave him... it’s kinda creepy that he’s acting like that towards you despite being married. Although that’s more of a reason why you should tell him you’re breaking up with him because you can no longer take his jealousy. 
 

He might tell your husband though...so tell him you will tell his wife if he bothers you again.

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, Maria1956 said:

 What shall I do? 

Stop the affair.  Tell him that you no longer wish to be unfaithful & you are sick to death of his hypocrisy.  For a married man to talk about your other lovers is insane.  He sounds dreadful.  If this is your idea what "going great" means, I would hate to see what you consider hypocrisy.  

[Camper]

2 hours ago, Maria1956 said:

The only way out is to ghost him, if I call him and tell him it’s over he’ll work his way back in and I’ll fold. Aside from the fact that what we are doing is wrong all I want to do is block, delete, move on. What shall I do?

Instead of calling, simply send him a message telling him it is over. Then block, delete, and move on. That would technically not be ghosting if you tell him it is over. 

[ExpatInItaly]

35 minutes ago, Camper said:

Instead of calling, simply send him a message telling him it is over. Then block, delete, and move on. That would technically not be ghosting if you tell him it is over. 

This. 

This man is awful, and an emotionally abusive hypocrite to boot. 

But you also need to do more work on you, so you can figure out why you ever let this punk into your life in the first place. Having an affair was bad enough, but sticking around to tolerate his manipulation and shaming runs even deeper. Unless you get to the root of why you are attracted to this, and what you get out of it, you will be unlikely to resist future attempts from him to drag you back in. 

[BaileyB]

I would send him a text telling him that it is over and wishing him well, and then block him from everything. 

Indeed, the hypocrisy here is something else... I would have little sympathy for the man and I support your decision to be done. You have wasted too much time with this man already...

I would respectfully suggest that one should never ghost another unless there is good reason, for example, they are in an abusive relationship and there is a significant safety risk. In this kind of situation it is often wise to disappear, with no forwarding address. 

Edited December 22, 2020 by BaileyB

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, Maria1956 said:

When it seems to be the only way out? Back story, affair with MM almost 3 years. I’m also married. We get on great but he suffers with extreme retrograde jealousy, he can’t get over the fact that I have a sexual history. Aside from that things are good we get in really well, obviously lockdown has made things really hard in terms of seeing each other but we keep in touch. Today he told me my sexual history is causing him to have depression and is like a black cloud hanging over us. He’s constantly asking me about previous lovers and then throwing a fit about it but today is the last straw for me as he’s made me feel utterly ashamed of my past. It’s affecting my mental and physical health. I’ve had this for three years. The only way out is to ghost him, if I call him and tell him it’s over he’ll work his way back in and I’ll fold. Aside from the fact that what we are doing is wrong all I want to do is block, delete, move on. What shall I do? 

I would not hold it against you if you ghosted under these specific circumstances. First of all, you're both cheating on your spouses. Second, it sounds like an emotionally abusive situation. It's a situation that needs to end today.

But I would suggest that you do what everyone else is suggesting and send a brief breaking-up message then block him. Do this for your own sake: So that you don't end up feeling guilty you left him hanging and try "fixing things" down the road.

[ShyViolet]

If you can ghost him, you can also just send him a simple text first, telling him that you are ending the relationship.  And then block him everywhere and be done with him.

[mark clemson]

I think, speaking generally, there's no way to ghost without making the other person feel a little bad, left wondering, reduced explanations/apologies, etc. So there is less closure and the fact that someone who supposedly cared about you isn't bothering to ease your distress at the breakup hurts emotionally a little.

That said, a) you seem to be both hurting each other here anyhow and  b) sometimes there's really no other way to end things effectively if they won't "take the hint", etc.

Overall I think some of the suggestions above, e.g. to send a final message message and then block, etc make a good deal of sense for your situation. That shows some consideration, so the "sting" of ending it should be reduced a bit.

[pepperbird2]

If it were me, I would send him a polite but firm note, explaining that you are no longer interested in hearing from him, and also that if he really cares about you, he will respect that request. I would also state clearly that if he will not so as you ask, you will have to go to the next level, whether that's going to his spouse, calling law enforcement, etc. I would also save a copy  so you can document the steps you've taken. Hopefully, you won't need them.

[Lotsgoingon]

You can ghost him, ghosting isn't murder. 

I worry, however, that ghosting in this case won't work. This guy--my mind is really struggling to wrap itself around this--is jealous of your sexual history as an affair partner?1  Well I'll be slapped in the head. OMG!!!!! And he's getting depressed over this? Are you kidding me?! We have entered the galaxy of the absurd and beyond. We at light speed moving beyond the absurd. Absurd is billions of light years back. This is trans-absurd. 

Ghosting him won't end things. He'll try to find you in person. And, you admit, you can't say no to him--and he knows this. So, basically you're saying you don't really have the strength to end the affair. 

Heads up: next time, you have an affair, cut it off at the first mention of a guy being depressed about your sexual history. Seriously, you gotta learn to set some boundaries. This is so absurd. You asking whether ghosting is OK is itself absurd.

You can break up any way you want. You think he's going to report you to the principal? Sorry to be so tough here, but seriously, your dilemma shows there are bigger problems in your life, much bigger. Mainly, you don't how to say no and how to act in your own interest. 

 

 

Edited December 23, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[DKT3]

7 hours ago, Maria1956 said:

Thank you that’s super helpful. I thought this was meant to be a non judgemental forum? 

Its actually very helpful if you not only wanted to end the affair but also working towards a life where you don't want have affairs, where you can either honor your commitment or move on.

People have affairs for a reason,  part of ending affair ls successful and keeping them ended is understanding why you felt it was ok in the first.  

Read the site, take note of how many women come here and think they can end affairs without figuring it out, they fail. 

Also this is actually the spot where your most likely to be caught. 

If you tell him you're telling his wife if he continues it will stop.

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You can ghost him, ghosting isn't murder. 

I worry, however, that ghosting in this case won't work. This guy--my mind is really struggling to wrap itself around this--is jealous of your sexual history as an affair partner?1  Well I'll be slapped in the head. OMG!!!!! And he's getting depressed over this? Are you kidding me?! We have entered the galaxy of the absurd and beyond. We at light speed moving beyond the absurd. Absurd is billions of light years back. This is trans-absurd. 

Ghosting him won't end things. He'll try to find you in person. And, you admit, you can't say no to him--and he knows this. So, basically you're saying you don't really have the strength to end the affair. 

Heads up: next time, you have an affair, cut it off at the first mention of a guy being depressed about your sexual history. Seriously, you gotta learn to set some boundaries. This is so absurd. You asking whether ghosting is OK is itself absurd.

You can break up any way you want. You think he's going to report you to the principal? Sorry to be so tough here, but seriously, your dilemma shows there are bigger problems in your life, much bigger. Mainly, you don't how to say no and how to act in your own interest. 

 

 

Bottom line is many of them don't actually want to end the affair,  what they really want is for the MM to modify his behavior to become a better MM and make them more of a priority. 

I agree,  it sounds ridiculous to ask if its ok to cut your affair partner off without telling them but calling it judgment to suggest that they tell thier spouses.  So one can have an affair feel bad for ending it without telling the AP but not bad about not telling the spouses they are having an affair in the first place.

[Wiseman2]

I wouldn't refer to ending an affair with something as trendy as "ghosting" .

If it's causing you trouble and heartaches, text : it's over. Then delete and block.

You need to be honest with yourself (not just sick of yourself) that you're resolute in giving up this addiction to lying and thrill seeking. That's what affairs are about.

You also need to be honest with yourself about the actual (or imagined) possibility of him telling your husband or if that's another mental gimmick to keep this going.