Boyfriend keeps texting other women and I'm at a loss.

[EdenMilo]

I’m not really sure where to begin or what I am looking to gain from posting here.  I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years.  He is 46 and I am 32.  He was married for 19 years and their divorce finalized a couple months before I met him (a bad marriage where both parties cheated on each other and a lot of crazy things happened, he got custody of his teenage children, and no one really speaks to the ex-wife anymore, not even the kids, who are now adults and out of the house).

I haven’t caught my boyfriend outright cheating on me (as in, physically with his pants down), but I have caught him lying to me and, for some reason, I have repeatedly caught him chatting up other women.  It started, to my knowledge, about a year and a half ago.  We almost broke up over it.  I discovered emails from a young female that he mentored at work before he retired, and the contents of them was so hurtful to me.  They switched to his home email and not his work email, is how I caught them, and he switched to the home email because she couldn't go a week without talking to him while we were on vacation.  He made it sound as though we were about to break up at one point (news to me) and told her that he was doing things alone when he was with me, that he was so lonely (one timestamped right after we had sex and he was holding me and texting her), there was flirty nonsense about whether he was a bad boy and she was a bad girl, and she was advising him to “not stay in another bad relationship” and to leave me.  He bragged about flirting with other women to her and it was not the man I know as mine.  It was like he was a completely different, terrible person.  He wound up telling her that he was happy to work on things with me and we just went through a rough patch (again, news to me, I thought we were 100% fine and happy and he never told me otherwise).  They were making plans for her to come and stay in our home while I was away on a business trip.  I told him immediately that I read his emails and that this little affair was going to end or I wanted to break up, and he said he just wanted to “ghost” the girl and work on things with me and he was so sorry.  I sent her a long email about how he was lying to her about so many things and I thought that our relationship was fine and we were going to work on our relationship and I never wanted to see or hear from her again.  I expressed to her that I was very hurt and shocked by him, and told her not to contact either of us ever again.  I told her to focus on her young daughter and her own husband.  She never replied.  I thought that was that.

This summer we went on a trip together and, on the way home, the text alert for his phone popped up in our vehicle with the girl’s name.  I started shaking uncontrollably and crying.  He let me check his phone and she had sent him a link to a house that I assume her and her husband were looking at buying.  My boyfriend insisted to me that he had blocked her and not spoken to her since he told me he would stop, and that buying a new phone must have unblocked her.  That sounded like a load of crap to me, but he showed me where he deleted and blocked her “again” and I haven’t found any evidence since that he is still talking to her.

Around the same time, I was snooping on his phone and there were two other women that he was texting “good morning” to every morning and asking how they had slept… talking to women about our home and our things and house projects we were completing and NEVER mentioning me (his home, his renovation, he did this, by himself).  I brought this up to him and told him that there’s no reason for him to be texting another woman every single day unless it is me or his daughter.  I was very clear about the language that I found disrespectful and told him that he sounded single and I wasn’t okay with him portraying himself that way.  I told him that he is destroying me and our relationship.

Since then, I’m so suspicious when he’s texting people.  It actually tears me up a lot.  I feel anxiety whenever he is on his phone.  We have always had shared GPS on each other’s phones and I always know where he is and he is almost always with me or on the phone with me, so I don’t exactly know when he would even have time to cheat.  It is just all so strange and creepy.

The texting thing is crossing a line for me, and I’ve made that clear to him.  He told me repeatedly that he was sorry about all of it and he “wasn’t about to lose me over talking to some dumb girls” and he “learned his lesson” and he “wasn’t going to ruin our lives.”  Except that he is, and he still is.

I don’t think he knows that I know his pass code for his phone and computers.  I’m kind of trying to keep that to myself so that I can monitor things.  It is breaking my heart, though.  I don’t trust him anymore and I felt very strange this past week.  I felt like he was hiding something without being able to put my finger on it.  He would walk away from me on the beach and take a photo and it was just weird.  I know him and I know how he is normally and you can tell when something is off. 

Today I signed on to his computer and his Facebook and there she was.  Yet another new girl I have never heard of.  He texted her a picture of our dinner last night and raved about what a good cook he is and how good it was, she said it looked yummy, and then he texted her first thing this morning telling her good morning and asking her how she slept.  And he was sending her messages and then deleting them, like trying to hide them.  I was watching this happen in real time.  The last thing I saw was that she told him she didn’t sleep well at all and asked him how he had slept, and I missed his reply and then he deleted the thing.  He came home early and is home with me now and I’m just miserable.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  He is repeatedly asking me if something happened and why I seem upset and I just have nothing in me for this fight or this crap.  I don't feel that I should have to ask him multiple times to stop with other girls.  We have been together six years and he bought me a ring and we have a home together and talk about getting married.  I don't understand him with this stuff.

I have a really hard time trusting people.  I grew up being physically, sexually, and emotionally abused.  I’ve always been a loner.  I don’t remember ever really trusting anyone in my entire life.  I was also never sexually attracted to anyone and thought that I was asexual.  I never believed in love at first sight or soulmates or anything.  I felt safer being alone.  When I met my boyfriend, I loved him instantly and I was so attracted to him.  It was like a switch flipped in me.  I went from never wanting sex to having an insanely high sex drive (higher than his).  And I trusted him, until I found the first emails from that girl he used to work with.  I obviously don’t trust him anymore.

I find it very strange that he’s talking to a girl I have never heard of, sending her photos of things we are doing (but not mentioning me), they aren’t actual Facebook friends but keep texting on FB, and he keeps deleting all of their messages several times a day.  If they were just friends, I don’t see why this level of secrecy.  Also, I don’t appreciate him using the exact same language that we fought about over a year ago, to talk to new girls.

I just want this to stop.

I don’t know what to do.  I am incredibly depressed because I love him with all of my heart, I never talk to other men (and stopped talking to any male friends I had when we first got together, without any fuss, because he was uncomfortable with them), and I don’t understand these weird relationships he has to have.  I don’t think they are physical (but might they get there? I don’t know), but him sneaking around and texting other women while he is with me is like a slap in the face.  I don't care if it isn't ever physical; it is bad enough to me already, and I have told him that very clearly.  I just want to cry and I don’t know what to do.  It feels like he is more willing to chip away at me and our relationship than he is willing to just not talk to women like this.

I don’t want to confront him, because I have every other time in the past, and what good has it done?  I don’t want to break up because I feel like he is my person.  I feel very trapped and confused.

There is a meme that keeps going around in my group of friends that essentially says, "Get yourself a man who doesn't sit on the toilet texting other women."  Every time I see that, I am like yes, that is what is happening in my household, and I don't understand why.

I am a very fun, agreeable girlfriend with a high sex drive.  I think I am decent looking.  I know I am intelligent and funny.  We enjoy many of the same hobbies.  He seems so perfect and happy... and I believe it... and then this stuff... I feel that he cannot possibly be happy and still doing this to me.  We have a home and a life together.  He talks about the future all of the time.  I can't imagine myself with anyone else.  

[smackie9]

I just read the first paragraph....what made you think he wasn't going to cheat on you when he was a cheater in his marriage. No excuse for that no matter how bad the situation. So now it's out...he's the serial cheater, and most likely he was the reason the marriage was bad...because he can't help himself. Kick him to the curb girl, you don't deserve this, and he is a jerk.

Tip: when they talk about the future and all that, should never be taken as a promise...it's just telling you what you want to hear.

This has all been a fairy-tail. Fly away!

Edited December 22, 2020 by smackie9

[Millennial]

Sounds like an impossible situation. Can't be doing you much good putting up with him doing things behind your back day after day.

Saw one of my friends from years ago, and he was with someone who cheated on him a lot at the time. I very strongly disliked his girlfriend. Seeing him now, he is like an entirely different person and doing great.

You really don't have to put up with it.

[Ruby Slippers]

He's a known cheater and is texting inappropriately with other women, knowingly hurting you and disrespecting you. He won't change. The only question is whether you'll continue to suffer this poor treatment or not. I wouldn't. In my view, it's better to be single and at peace than feeling like crap because some jerk is treating you badly.

[Watercolors]

Have you ever heard that idiom, “a leopard never changes its spots.” That applies to your cheating boyfriend. He is a serial cheater. He will never change. He didn’t change for his ex-wife and he won’t change for you, either.

You already confronted him about his serial cheating, and he placated you with fake future talk and false promises to change.

You continue to enable his serial cheating by staying in the relationship with him. Monitoring his cellphone and email and social media secretly isn’t going to stop his cheating ways.

Only he can change. But he doesn’t want to. He likes to cheat. That’s who he is at his core. This is “your person” that you have chosen to stay with. 

Since you have chosen to stay with him, there is no amount of advice anyone can give you to guide you away from him. You already know that the only way you’ll truly be happy is if you leave him and never go back to him. But since you’re not willing to take control of your life, what kind of advice do you think will help you? 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

He's not going to stop.  He likes talking to the other women.  It validates him.  

So you have to figure out if you want to live like this forever or if you are done  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, EdenMilo said:

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. 

he got custody of his teenage children, and no one really speaks to the ex-wife anymore, not even the kids the time. 

Do you live together? Have you met his kids? He seems quite good at compartmentalizing. 

 

Edited December 22, 2020 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

Its an impasse, YOU want him to be true to you, HE doesn't want to do that.
YOU spend time getting upset and annoyed, HE carries on doing what he wants to do.
YOU want to be able to change him, HE doesn't want to change.

Waken up, get yourself out of there PDQ.
Next time you look up you will be in your 40s and he will still be cheating on you with other women.

[trident_2020]

5 hours ago, EdenMilo said:

I’m not really sure where to begin or .I don’t want to break up because I feel like he is my person.

He's a lot of other women's person too.

 

[Gaeta]

I know you love him and don't want to lose your relationship but reality has decided otherwise. Your boyfriend is a cheater and he's proving it to you over and over again. I am sure he doesn't keep his cheating only on text. He got really good at playing these women and at playing you. If I were you I'd check all the dating sites. It might feel more real once you see his profile advertising himself as single and looking for love. 

You can read my thread, it's a couple of threads below this one, called 'betrayed, again'. I thought I was in the best relationship of my life for 5 years when a month ago I discovered he was chatting several women at the same time and sleeping with them. I thought too he had no time to cheat, we lived together 6 days a week. He lied to these women through his teeth, telling them he was a good man and he would never hurt the heart of a woman. Then he'd come  home and tell me he loved me so much he'd be lost without me. 

It's hard to have your dream castle tumbling down but the truth and reality is these men don't change. This need for validation is stronger than anything else. They don't feel guilt or remorse, actually they feel entitled to have that many women. 

I have an old friend who decided to stay with her cheater. Same as you're doing. She has his passwords, she checks his emails, texts, once in a while she search all the dating sites to make sure he's not there and she constantly lives with a fear in the pit of her stomach. That makes a woman grow old very fast. If you don't want to be 40 and looking like 60, I suggest you let go of this man and the stress, worry, fear, pain, sadness he's bringing to you. 

Edited December 23, 2020 by Gaeta

[Watercolors]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This need for validation is stronger than anything else

This need for his validation could be the reason you've stayed with your serial cheater boyfriend for six years. Maybe consider why you need his validation so much, that you are willing to sacrifice the quality of your life for a man who doesn't even respect you enough to stop cheating on you with all of these women? 

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It's hard to have your dream castle tumbling down but the truth and reality is these men don't change

I agree with this statement. OP, you know he isn't going to stop cheating. He cheated for 19 years wit his ex-wife. He's cheated on you for the six years of your relationship together. He isn't going to stop. He hasn't stopped when you already confronted him years ago to stop cheating. So, you really need to find out why you want to stay with a serial cheater so much, that you enable him to continue cheating on you. 

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

They don't feel guilt or remorse, actually they feel entitled to have that many women. 

No, they don't. OP, your boyfriend doesn't appreciate or value you in his life. You're just a woman he can cheat on. Like he did with his ex-wife. When do you draw the line of 'enough is enough?' You tried to draw the line before, but you caved in, when he told you what you wanted to hear and never followed through. You allow him to make flimsy excuses, and you refuse to walk away permanently. You always come back to him. Why? 

[Interstellar]

Don’t ever have kids with him. Please.

Cut him loose.

[Millennial]

Thing is that she considers him to be her only option - even going so far as considering herself asexual otherwise. Made quite a good explanation of her situation and viewpoint. Cheaters often pick up on that sort of thing, and pick up on how much they can be exploitative. In my friend's case it was his highschool girlfriend. He had issues with his parents and so moved in with her from just 16, and she was completely exploitative about it. Ditching the person in very bad repeated repeated cases of known cheating is as much about the person finding strength, independence and improving their lives in general it seems like.

[Wiseman2]

The way he trash talks about his ex is what he's telling other women about you now. That's how cheating works. 

They're hearing about how it's almost over because ( insert made up negative statements about you).

One thing you do know about him. He knows how to cheat.

Waste your time and energy on this? What for? 

[LynneVicious]

So sorry you are going through this. Just one piece of advice: you cannot control others, their actions or their thoughts. Only yours. 
 

so while you want him to stop, the only person that can stop that is him, which he is unwilling to do. 
 

so you have two choices: stay in this relationship as it is. Because he’s clearly not going to stop what he’s doing. Or leave. Because that part you can control. 

[poppyfields]

OP, please read "The Sociopath Next Door," great book, quite enlightening.

Truth is, there people who have very little to no conscience.  They feel no remorse, no guilt, no empathy.

If at first it appears like they do, they have learned through observation and being taught how to behave and interact appropriately even lovingly, but it's an act.

They are simply going through the motions as that is what they've been taught "works." 

But deep inside their core, they really just don't give a crap.

They will lie, cheat, steal or worse if they thought they could get away with it.

But do not be fooled.  They have no conscience and are incapable of feeling remorse or empathy.  OR love, even for themselves. 

Whatever you see, what they allow you to see, is a facade, an act.

It's been said 25% of the population are sociopaths - our neighbors, co-workers, our partners.  Perhaps even family. 

Please do yourself a favor and get rid!  He's dangerous to you emotionally.

I'm sorry, and all the best moving forward.  xo

Edited December 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[Stret]

Sorry for you OP. You are obviously expecting things to change and are desperately holding onto his words (WORDS!) while ignoring his actions. You are lying to yourself. I don't think you are that weak as you think you are. Get out of that relationship before your life becomes so anxious and depressed that you lose a will to live over one (out of millions) jerks. He is NOT your person. You are definitely not his. If you don't see this now, you will see it in years to come and then you will have only yourself to be angry at for not ending toxic and disfunctional thing earlier and for wasting your life on someone who doesn't deserve you. 

You being agreeable is your problem. If you think he appreciates it - think again. You have to stand up for yourself and with this guy that means you have to leave. I understand that you might still want to get years worth of evidence that it's not going to work in order to break up - but that is your choice, not his. Your life, including this relationship, is in your hands. He does not respect you or love you and is not capable of that kind of closeness. What he is capable of is telling you what you want to hear and pretending, while flirting his way into the lives of other women on a daily basis. He is risking his relationship with you because you are not that special to him - and nobody would be. It is not about you but him. Get out. Forget about your future with him. It's painful, it's terrible, and it will hurt like hell... but get out to save yourself from even more pain and hurt just to eventually end up having to break up anyway, or to be left for one of those women. Good luck. I've been there. It sucks. But you survive and move on, and then he will mean nothing to you. Why put up with such bad treatment if you have any respect for yourself? You have to come first. 

[Stret]

13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It's been said 25% of the population are sociopaths - our neighbors, co-workers, our partners.  Perhaps even family. 

 

Poppy, where did you find this stat? I always knew that it was somewhere between 4-8%. But 25% might have traits. Not sure. Anyway, totally agree with you that he might be someone with sociopathic traits. Obviously, he has no conscience and is able to chose the right words and mimic emotions sufficiently well to trick OP into thinking they are on the same wavelengths as far as their relationship. I've been with a couple of guys like that - never again. They are attracted to kind and emphatic women. Real sociopaths say (I've seen some documentary a whole ago) that they pick their victims even when they first time lay their eyes on them when they see them walk. Apparently, a person without self confidence walks in a way that reflect their personality and since sociopaths are excellent observers, they will spot the victim miles away like leopard spots his pray. Makes my skin crawl thinking about it. But good news is that once you read hundreds and thousands of pages about this personality, and when you had a couple of experiences of your own, you are sociopath-proof. No charm, no words, no pretending can ever work on you again. 

[poppyfields]

Stret, I got the 25% stat from the book I referenced.  

 

[poppyfields]

 

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Stret, I got the 25% stat from the book I referenced.  

Oh shoot, I stand corrected!  Stret, you're right, it's around 4%.  

>> We are accustomed to think of sociopaths as violent criminals, but in The Sociopath Next Door, Harvard psychologist Martha Stout reveals that a shocking 4 percent of ordinary people—one in twenty-five—has an often undetected mental disorder, the chief symptom of which is that that person possesses no conscience. He or she has no ability whatsoever to feel shame, guilt, or remorse. One in twenty-five everyday Americans, therefore, is secretly a sociopath. They could be your colleague, your neighbor, even family. And they can do literally anything at all and feel absolutely no guilt or remorse.<<

 

Edited December 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

21 hours ago, Watercolors said:

This need for his validation could be the reason you've stayed with your serial cheater boyfriend for six years. Maybe consider why you need his validation so much, that you are willing to sacrifice the quality of your life for a man who doesn't even respect you enough to stop cheating on you with all of these women?

Gaeta was not referring to herself needing validation but rather her now ex needing validation.  Which I agree with.

Her words were  >>It's hard to have your dream castle tumbling down but the truth and reality is these men don't change. This need for validation is stronger than anything else. They don't feel guilt or remorse, actually they feel entitled to have that many women. 

Their need need for validation, not hers.

Edited December 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Gaeta was not referring to herself needing validation but rather her now ex needing validation.  Which I agree with.

Her words were  >>It's hard to have your dream castle tumbling down but the truth and reality is these men don't change. This need for validation is stronger than anything else. They don't feel guilt or remorse, actually they feel entitled to have that many women. 

Their need need for validation, not hers.

I had to read Watercolors post a couple of times because I thought it was referring to my situation but then I understood the statement was meant for OP and her possible need for validation from that man.

[Watercolors]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I had to read Watercolors post a couple of times because I thought it was referring to my situation but then I understood the statement was meant for OP and her possible need for validation from that man.

My post was directed at the OP, Gaeta. Not you. I quoted you because I agree with everything that you wrote.

[poppyfields]

xoxo  

 

Edited December 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I had to read Watercolors post a couple of times because I thought it was referring to my situation but then I understood the statement was meant for OP and her possible need for validation from that man.

Okay, fair enough!  In reading WC's just now, it appears you are correct, my bad!