Boyfriend keeps texting other women and I'm at a loss.

[MsJayne]

You're being played like a fiddle. You think "he's my person" because that's what he wants you to feel. Every day he is completely invalidating and devaluing you as a person, and your relationship, and you're letting him get away with it. He has no empathy and no shame. I can imagine what his wife would have gone through, and I'd be wanting her side of the story before I believed that she was also guilty in the marriage - if she turned to someone else it was probably because of the mind-f--k he was putting her through. He's a serial cheat and a liar.  Dump him for Christmas and find yourself a human being. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 12/22/2020 at 6:57 PM, EdenMilo said:

I feel like he is my person.

Sincere question - why? 

What does he offer you that makes you hang on to this idea? 

It sure isn't loving security or stability. It isn't trust, an emotional safe-space. It isn't respect for you and your relationship, or consideration for your feelings. I am curious to hear what your definition of "your person" is, and whether this an idea that you're erroneously selling yourself because you don't want to be alone. 

This man isn't going to stop cheating. It's not a reflection on you. It's a problem with him; he was doing it in his marriage, and he's just kept it up over the years with you. It is likely that there are other women you don't know about and that he was doing this long before you actually discovered it. Assume that what you know is not all there is to know. There is most definitely more, and I would bet dollars to donuts that he's physically cheated at some points. He's way too bold and way too detached from you for me to believe he's never crossed that line. 

You can either stay and understand that this is a man who's never going to be satisfied with just one woman (and thus, there will always be others) - or you can demand better for yourself and get rid of his waste of space that you sadly feel is "your person." 

Allow to me to share a personal anecdote, perhaps a glimpse into your own future: My partner's estranged father is lifelong philanderer. Like you, his mom tolerated it for a long, long time. Took him back after he'd actually left for another woman. (and actually re-married him as well, if you can believe that) He finally left "for good" about 12 or so years ago, for another woman. He's still with her today. And guess who is still on his roster of women he regularly communicates with, and sees when his current wife's head is turned? That's right, Mom. Guess how old the parties in question are? Dad is 81, mom is 80. In their eighties, and this man is still a slime-ball. It's the reason my partner broke all ties with his Dad many years ago. He doesn't support it at all, recognizes how toxic his father is, and wishes his mom would finally cut the cord. She refuses. Yes, she has her own issues and always has. So, she quite literally cries and frets about how alone she is in what should have been her golden years, and that she has nobody with whom to share the however many years she has left (she lives with my partner, who looks after her now that she truly is alone, and elderly) It's sad to see, but could have been so, so different if she had done the right thing decades ago and kicked him out of her life. 

Does that sound like the future you want? That's where you're headed. 

[Watercolors]

41 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

.Does that sound like the future you want? That's where you're headed. 

I’d say that it’s not her future, it’s her present. It’s where she’s at, b/c she chooses to be. She’s been ok with his cheating for six years, despite her attempts to change him and confront him about it. I think the OP would have left the relationship, if his cheating truly bothered her. But after six years, she’s still with him. So, clearly, she’s ok with his cheating. And I agree with you that he has probably slept with other women already. Maybe the OP knows this too, but doesn’t want to admit it to herself. 

[poppyfields]

On 12/22/2020 at 9:57 AM, EdenMilo said:

I have a really hard time trusting people.  I grew up being physically, sexually, and emotionally abused.  I’ve always been a loner.  I don’t remember ever really trusting anyone in my entire life.  I was also never sexually attracted to anyone and thought that I was asexual.  I never believed in love at first sight or soulmates or anything.  I felt safer being alone.  When I met my boyfriend, I loved him instantly and I was so attracted to him.  It was like a switch flipped in me.  I went from never wanting sex to having an insanely high sex drive (higher than his).  And I trusted him, until I found the first emails from that girl he used to work with.  I obviously don’t trust him anymore.

I don’t want to break up because I feel like he is my person.  I feel very trapped and confused.

That was a long read but I did the read the entire post.  

Re what's quoted above, this would explain why you think he's your "person" despite no longer trusting him, and rightfully so.

He awakened you sexually and that is extremely powerful!  Like an addiction, and he is your "drug" of choice.  

I do understand this, I experienced the same thing with my ex.  I eventually left, but I do not share your history of abuse, so I understand why leaving would be so difficult for you.

I think you know your relationship is about as toxic as they come - He is addicted to the validation he receives from all these other women and you are addicted to him!  

Anyway, since it's obvious you are not ready to leave, I think you should consider getting some therapy.  For the abuse you experienced while growing up which is undoubtedly related to your unhealthy attraction and addiction to your current situation and boyfriend.

Perhaps he can join you if he's willing. 

I truly don't see any other way for you since leaving isn't an option, at least right now, no matter how many horror stories people tell you.

I've been in therapy for many years off and on and it has helped me tremendously!  It has given me strength and allowed me the ability to look within and find my answers (and my truth) there rather than externally through others.  

So I hope you will at least consider, there is much to unravel and sort out. 

All the best EdenMilo.

[poppyfields]

41 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

That was a long read but I did the read the entire post.  

Re what's quoted above, this would explain why you think he's your "person" despite no longer trusting him, and rightfully so.

He awakened you sexually and that is extremely powerful!  Like an addiction, and he is your "drug" of choice.  

I do understand this, I experienced the same thing with my ex.  I eventually left, but I do not share your history of abuse, so I understand why leaving would be so difficult for you.

I think you know your relationship is about as toxic as they come - He is addicted to the validation he receives from all these other women and you are addicted to him!  

Anyway, since it's obvious you are not ready to leave, I think you should consider getting some therapy.  For the abuse you experienced while growing up which is undoubtedly related to your unhealthy attraction and addiction to your current situation and boyfriend.

Perhaps he can join you if he's willing. 

I truly don't see any other way for you since leaving isn't an option, at least right now, no matter how many horror stories people tell you.

I've been in therapy for many years off and on and it has helped me tremendously!  It has given me strength and allowed me the ability to look within and find my answers (and my truth) there rather than externally through others.  

So I hope you will at least consider, there is much to unravel and sort out. 

All the best EdenMilo.

Eden, I just wanted to add that I don't believe for one second you are okay with this situation which you discovered 1.5 years ago. 

Your initial post and how much you are hurting and struggling wouid suggest the exact opposite.

Although I've never been abused myself, I've taken an interest in learning and trying to understand it.  And how it relates to the attractions, often unhealthy, we have to others.  

These are deep and complex issues which is why, again, I hope you will consider seeking professional help.  xo

 

Edited December 24, 2020 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Watercolors said:

I’d say that it’s not her future, it’s her present.

No, what I meant was hoping against hope for many, many years that something will change. Sticking around for decades for a man who continuously strays. Only to wind up alone in the end anyway when he eventually bails. 

OP isn't there yet, but she's well on the path to it. 

[Watercolors]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, what I meant was hoping against hope for many, many years that something will change. Sticking around for decades for a man who continuously strays. Only to wind up alone in the end anyway when he eventually bails. 

OP isn't there yet, but she's well on the path to it. 

So you don’t think six years is many years? I would never waste six years staying with a man who blatantly cheated on me even after I confronted him about his cheating. She’s definitely on the path towards decades if she doesn’t leave him now. 

[kendahke]

On 12/22/2020 at 12:57 PM, EdenMilo said:

Boyfriend keeps texting other women and I'm at a loss.

I was snooping on his phone

If you're at the point where you're snooping his phone, your relationship is dead and rotten. Why keep that stench in your nostrils?

You're not so much at a loss where you've kicked him out of your life, so until that day comes, you're going to have to be inventive with finding ways to hold your breath, but don't expect him to change his behavior just because you got mad at some texts. If he was of the mind to change his behavior, that would have been a done deal by now and this thread wouldn't be here.

[Starswillshine]

Oh honey, this post hurts my heart.

He is not your person, and you need to get out so you can find someone who is. Your person is not someone who would constantly disrespect you and your feelings. You have made it clear to him how you feel and he does not care. He deletes these messages because he knows exactly how you would feel about it. Get out, get out now before you spend more of your life with this man. 

It will suck. It will hurt like hell. But it will be better than intermingling more of your life together. Wasting more of your years feeling miserable and anxiety ridden. It is not the way to live. 

[stillafool]

On 12/22/2020 at 12:57 PM, EdenMilo said:

I don’t want to break up because I feel like he is my person.  I feel very trapped and confused.

Well as you can see he isn't your person he's every woman's for the taking.  I don't know what you could possible be confused about.  He was a cheater when you met, is still a cheater and will always be one until he's an impotent old man.  You are not trapped as you aren't married to him and can leave and put your life back together any time you wish.  He isn't going to get serious with you because he's divorced now and wants to play the field.

[ShyViolet]

It's very sad that you think this guy is "your person."  What incredibly low self-esteem you have.  You have chosen to stay with this person again and again despite his blatant disrespect of you.  You are lying to yourself in thinking there's a chance this will ever get better.  

You are only 32, that is so young.  Too young to throw your life away.  Get out of this bad relationship and get into therapy to work on your issues.

[Pumaza]

to much text.

[angelfire138]

Having been in your shoes, I know how much it hurts. I don’t necessarily believe that once a cheater, always a cheater, but at the very least, your boyfriend is being incredibly disrespectful to you and the relationship. At the worst, he’s cheating or “testing the waters” with other women and doesn’t believe one woman will ever be enough. Honestly, he doesn’t care that you don’t like it. Because he probably thinks you will never leave him.

I was with someone for 7 years, with a similar age gap, also divorced. This exact same thing happened where he constantly kept in touch with other women, mostly from his job. Constantly on the phone, texting them, and he had an emotional affair with at least one of them. Going out with them for work events and never inviting me. He also openly flirted with other women in front of me, and once, left me standing at the bar for 20+ minutes while he went to chat up a woman he’d clearly been eyeing all night. He thought that just because he didn’t physically cheat, he was doing nothing wrong. And those were only the ones I knew of. He didn’t care that it bothered me. 

Your boyfriend is selfish. He will not change, as you’ve seen from when he promised to stop, and didn’t. He believes he is doing nothing wrong. I’d get out of this because it won’t change. Unless you’re ok dealing with this for the rest of your relationship.