Married less than a year and he cheated more than once

[4eyes]

My husband and I have been married since January of this year. We were together for 2 years prior, with 1 year living together before we got married. This man made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He showered me with affection and compliments. He was always accessible, and I felt like I could depend on him. He was truly my best friend. I totally trusted him. I did have a few red flags – like him not acknowledging me on social media (not a huge deal, but still). Once we got married and I asked him about changing his status to married, he claimed he closed his Facebook… I chose to ignore these minor things because I did believe that he loved me, and I trusted him. There were some other things, but nothing that I have 100% proof of, so I won’t go into them… I guess because of these red flags – even though I ignored them, I knew they were there – I prayed for God to reveal to me if my husband was being unfaithful. Randomly one night this past summer I woke up and got out of bed. I walked to the dryer (it was on and making noise, my husband was sitting at the desk beside the dryer), I looked down at the desk and I saw his phone on and the screen showed a photo of him with his bottom half naked. I obviously asked him what that was. He denies anything, says he has NO idea how that photo attached itself to the conversation he was having with his friend. I asked to see his phone and he said ok but wants to delete that photo first because he doesn’t think she saw it and he doesn’t want her to see it. He spends several minutes “deleting that photo”. He finally gives me his phone. I didn’t look too much into it because a) he already deleted everything and b) he speaks fluent Spanish and the messages were in Spanish. The next day he shows me a message from his friend (in English) claiming there is nothing between them, they are only friends and what happened could only have been a “glitch”. I chose to let it go. I continued to pray for the truth to be revealed to me. About a month later, a few days before my birthday in August I discovered a phone when I was looking for something (not his usual phone). In this phone, I find inappropriate conversations with multiple women – in English and Spanish with photos to and from these women. When I confront him about it, he is very apologetic and promises me that it will never happen again, that I am the only woman he wants, he doesn’t know why he is doing this. He is the problem, not me….blah, blah, blah…

We had just bought a house and were moving. I totally believed he was remorseful and was committed to making things better. I chose to forgive him and work on our marriage. I do work 2 jobs, and my sex drive is not as high as his – but we did have sex at least once a week (I know it isn’t a lot). These are things that I recognized as maybe reasons for his actions, and I was actively working on these things to make our marriage better and checking with him to see how he was in everything. He always said that he was happy, and I was enough, and how sorry he was for before. I even told him he didn’t have to keep apologizing. I was feeling like we were going to come out stronger than ever. Fast forward to November 1st…  a woman messages me on Facebook asking me about my husband. She sent me screenshots of messages between them and said that they had just been on a date a few days prior and that they met on Tinder. She felt like something was off and decided to do some research and found out that he was married…then she looked me up to tell me. I confronted him about it and he kind of blew it off like “what, I can’t have friends?” I immediately shut that down – you don’t go looking for “friends” on Tinder… Long story (sorry) short- he is again remorseful and promising me the world, I’ve told him that I want to divorce. He has completely shattered any trust that I had in him and I am truly broken hearted. I am not willing to give him another chance. He has had so many different responses from breaking down sobbing to blaming me to trying to make me feel guilty for not wanting to work on our marriage. I'm wondering if I could try to work on things. I keep going back to NO.. I CANNOT! For me, the benefit of being in a happy marriage with him does not outweigh the risk that I will be going through this again with him in the future.

Your thoughts and opinions are welcomed. Thank you for reading!

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, 4eyes said:

I do work 2 jobs, and my sex drive is not as high as his – but we did have sex at least once a week (I know it isn’t a lot). These are things that I recognized as maybe reasons for his actions, and I was actively working on these things to make our marriage better and checking with him to see how he was in everything.

My friend, if he is texting and sexing naked pictures to multiple women - that is not your fault. There is nothing you did to deserve this, and there is nothing you can do to fix this. More frequent sex will not fix this. Working yourself into a pretzel trying to please him will not fix this. He is broken. He has serious character flaws and he alone is responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. I would file for divorce. I would have filed the day he told me he didn’t know how the naked photo of himself was “accidentally”sent to his friend. I’m sorry that this has happened to you... 

Quote

I'm wondering if I could try to work on things. I keep going back to NO.. I CANNOT! For me, the benefit of being in a happy marriage with him does not outweigh the risk that I will be going through this again with him in the future.

Respectfully, it doesn’t sound like you have a happy marriage. There is no benefit to staying in this relationship if the trust has been broken and you have to monitor your husband everyday... There is only misery for you. Unfortunately, he has shown you that he is not the loyal, loving husband that you seek... He has taught you that his word is meaningless and he is not to be trusted. 

When people show you who they really are, believe them.
Maya Angelou

Edited December 22, 2020 by BaileyB

[trident_2020]

Cut your losses.

 

[mark clemson]

You feel how you feel, and it's completely understandable. No sense in trying to force yourself to stay in a situation where you won't be able to feel either trust or happiness.

[Wiseman2]

Yes . Consult an attorney and proceed with the divorce. Why live a life of heartaches from his lies and infidelities?

Make sure you speak frankly with your attorney and recover your finances from the house.

Unfortunately you should see a physician and get STD testing. What you stumbled upon is the tip of the iceberg in his sex addiction.

Cut your losses and live a happy life with a trustworthy man.

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, 4eyes said:

I am not willing to give him another chance.

I don't blame you I wouldn't either.  I also say cut your losses and leave.

[stillafool]

Just now, stillafool said:

I don't blame you I wouldn't either.  I also say cut your losses and leave.  Be glad you were only married less than a year.  Maybe an annulment?

 

[pepperbird2]

17 hours ago, 4eyes said:

My husband and I have been married since January of this year. We were together for 2 years prior, with 1 year living together before we got married. This man made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He showered me with affection and compliments. He was always accessible, and I felt like I could depend on him. He was truly my best friend. I totally trusted him. I did have a few red flags – like him not acknowledging me on social media (not a huge deal, but still). Once we got married and I asked him about changing his status to married, he claimed he closed his Facebook… I chose to ignore these minor things because I did believe that he loved me, and I trusted him. There were some other things, but nothing that I have 100% proof of, so I won’t go into them… I guess because of these red flags – even though I ignored them, I knew they were there – I prayed for God to reveal to me if my husband was being unfaithful. Randomly one night this past summer I woke up and got out of bed. I walked to the dryer (it was on and making noise, my husband was sitting at the desk beside the dryer), I looked down at the desk and I saw his phone on and the screen showed a photo of him with his bottom half naked. I obviously asked him what that was. He denies anything, says he has NO idea how that photo attached itself to the conversation he was having with his friend. I asked to see his phone and he said ok but wants to delete that photo first because he doesn’t think she saw it and he doesn’t want her to see it. He spends several minutes “deleting that photo”. He finally gives me his phone. I didn’t look too much into it because a) he already deleted everything and b) he speaks fluent Spanish and the messages were in Spanish. The next day he shows me a message from his friend (in English) claiming there is nothing between them, they are only friends and what happened could only have been a “glitch”. I chose to let it go. I continued to pray for the truth to be revealed to me. About a month later, a few days before my birthday in August I discovered a phone when I was looking for something (not his usual phone). In this phone, I find inappropriate conversations with multiple women – in English and Spanish with photos to and from these women. When I confront him about it, he is very apologetic and promises me that it will never happen again, that I am the only woman he wants, he doesn’t know why he is doing this. He is the problem, not me….blah, blah, blah…

We had just bought a house and were moving. I totally believed he was remorseful and was committed to making things better. I chose to forgive him and work on our marriage. I do work 2 jobs, and my sex drive is not as high as his – but we did have sex at least once a week (I know it isn’t a lot). These are things that I recognized as maybe reasons for his actions, and I was actively working on these things to make our marriage better and checking with him to see how he was in everything. He always said that he was happy, and I was enough, and how sorry he was for before. I even told him he didn’t have to keep apologizing. I was feeling like we were going to come out stronger than ever. Fast forward to November 1st…  a woman messages me on Facebook asking me about my husband. She sent me screenshots of messages between them and said that they had just been on a date a few days prior and that they met on Tinder. She felt like something was off and decided to do some research and found out that he was married…then she looked me up to tell me. I confronted him about it and he kind of blew it off like “what, I can’t have friends?” I immediately shut that down – you don’t go looking for “friends” on Tinder… Long story (sorry) short- he is again remorseful and promising me the world, I’ve told him that I want to divorce. He has completely shattered any trust that I had in him and I am truly broken hearted. I am not willing to give him another chance. He has had so many different responses from breaking down sobbing to blaming me to trying to make me feel guilty for not wanting to work on our marriage. I'm wondering if I could try to work on things. I keep going back to NO.. I CANNOT! For me, the benefit of being in a happy marriage with him does not outweigh the risk that I will be going through this again with him in the future.

Your thoughts and opinions are welcomed. Thank you for reading!

Some people just aren't cut out to be monogamous. The ehtical ones are upfront about that, those who are not?
They get married because they value the security it brings them. That sounds like what your husband has done. He may love you, in as much as he is capable of that, but his 'love" is more about him and what you can provide to him. You give him stability, kindness, a place to call "home" where he can have his "love" needs met. He sees these other women as excitement, sex and "fun".
If that's the way he is, you can't change that. I dont think counselling can either, because, at his fundamental core, he is just not capable of being with one person.

As an aside, I'm impressed with the woman who took the time to contact you. She did you a huge favour! I would advise you to get tested for STDs. It's not going to be  a pleasant conversation to have with your doctor, but trust me, they've heard this sort of thing before and will understand. You might also want to consult with a lawyer- I'm not advocating for divorce, just that the more knowledge you have, the better choices you can make and the more confidence you'll have that you're  making smart, informed choices.

[4eyes]

4 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

Some people just aren't cut out to be monogamous. The ehtical ones are upfront about that, those who are not?
They get married because they value the security it brings them. That sounds like what your husband has done. He may love you, in as much as he is capable of that, but his 'love" is more about him and what you can provide to him. You give him stability, kindness, a place to call "home" where he can have his "love" needs met. He sees these other women as excitement, sex and "fun".
If that's the way he is, you can't change that. I dont think counselling can either, because, at his fundamental core, he is just not capable of being with one person.

As an aside, I'm impressed with the woman who took the time to contact you. She did you a huge favour! I would advise you to get tested for STDs. It's not going to be  a pleasant conversation to have with your doctor, but trust me, they've heard this sort of thing before and will understand. You might also want to consult with a lawyer- I'm not advocating for divorce, just that the more knowledge you have, the better choices you can make and the more confidence you'll have that you're  making smart, informed choices.

This makes a lot of sense. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. 

Yes, I also was very impressed with the woman who contacted me. I am truly thankful. I know most women wouldn't do what she did. 

I enrolled in my employer's legal insurance when this happened. It starts January 1st. I will be making that appointment next in a couple of weeks. 

[pepperbird2]

3 minutes ago, 4eyes said:

This makes a lot of sense. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. 

Yes, I also was very impressed with the woman who contacted me. I am truly thankful. I know most women wouldn't do what she did. 

I enrolled in my employer's legal insurance when this happened. It starts January 1st. I will be making that appointment next in a couple of weeks. 

Good for you!  It sounds like you are taking steps to gain control over your life. Onwards and upwards.

[ShyViolet]

As others have said, cut your losses.  This will only get worse, not better.  The worst thing you could do would be to sink the next 20 years of your life into a marriage that you know is bad. Get out now so you can get on with the rest of your life.

[understand50]

I tend to be argue for a reconciliation more times than not, but in your case I do not see any value for you to stay in this marriage.  The only way, is for you to accept his unfaithfulness.  Would this apply to you as well?  Is that what you want?  This situation is a hard pill to take, so I would suggest you look at leaving. 

I wish you luck...

[4eyes]

4 minutes ago, understand50 said:

I tend to be argue for a reconciliation more times than not, but in your case I do not see any value for you to stay in this marriage.  The only way, is for you to accept his unfaithfulness.  Would this apply to you as well?  Is that what you want?  This situation is a hard pill to take, so I would suggest you look at leaving. 

I wish you luck...

Thank you. I definitely could not accept him being unfaithful in our marriage. 

[4eyes]

I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read and respond. I know in my mind and my heart that I want to end my marriage. I just have that little voice in the back of my mind that says "but what if he DOES change?" At the risk of feeling like this again...I am not willing to find out. 

[4eyes]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

 

I'm not sure we would qualify for an annulment. I'll be talking to an attorney soon. 

[notbroken]

He likely got married because he thought he was 'supposed to'.  No, sex once a week would not be enough for most young men, but cheating is absolutely 100% his fault.  ANY and ALL cheating is on the cheater.  

You've only been married a short time.  It looks impossible to come back from this and he likely won't change.  Divorce him and move on as fast as possible.   Best wishes. 

[4eyes]

17 minutes ago, notbroken said:

He likely got married because he thought he was 'supposed to'.  No, sex once a week would not be enough for most young men, but cheating is absolutely 100% his fault.  ANY and ALL cheating is on the cheater.  

You've only been married a short time.  It looks impossible to come back from this and he likely won't change.  Divorce him and move on as fast as possible.   Best wishes. 

I am his third marriage. He is my first. We're 37 and 42. We both have children from previous relationships. 

[MsJayne]

People like your husband make my skin crawl. They'd hump anything that's not nailed down. Get out now before he gives you a disease. 

[Watercolors]

On 12/22/2020 at 3:03 PM, 4eyes said:

I prayed for God to reveal to me if my husband was being unfaithful.

That was your first mistake. People are responsible for their behavior. God has zero involvement.

6 hours ago, 4eyes said:

I am his third marriage. He is my first. We're 37 and 42. We both have children from previous relationships. 

Marrying him was your second mistake.
Time to divorce him and put the needs and welfare of your own children first.
Don't stay in a bad marriage b/c you think you can't do better. You fell for his baloney hook, line, and sinker.
And, you intentionally ignored ALL the red flags around his behavior in person and online, b/c you put your needs and your children's needs second to his needs. Because you think you can't or don't deserve better than him. That's your third mistake. And you need to take responsibility for intentionally ignoring the red flags.
You can't change a cheater. Marriage counseling won't change a serial cheater. It never does.

Edited December 23, 2020 by Watercolors

[Watercolors]

7 hours ago, 4eyes said:

I'm not sure we would qualify for an annulment. I'll be talking to an attorney soon. 

Divorce him. That's your only way out of this s***show.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are wise to end this marriage. 

This has likely been going on the entire time you've known him. My guess is that there is way more you don't know, but what you do know is absolutely grounds for a divorce. He's probably always been this way, so the likelihood of him changing is very, very low. 

Get out of this and be done with him.