Avoiding patterns

[blocker]

I (f/30) just got out of a relationship. Read my last two posts to get the DL. I am struggling really hard with the break up because I know that he has replaced conversation, interest and emotion into this other female he was texting while with me. My ego has taken a hit. It is like he doesn't even need to process any emotions. He is emotionally numb to me.

 I feel like all the fights, and negative emotions were because of me. I don't know the difference between what really happened vs. how I feel. Did i ruin a good thing many months ago? Why did I suddenly change the way I was acting when we both went back to work after summer? Why was I so resistant to all things before hand? I felt my mood, happiness and willing to do things changed for the better after the summer/ lockdown ended and we returned to work full time. It was like by that time, he was sick of things. Had too much contempt and lost energy to be positve.

I have started looking inwards at myself and I have reflected on multiple areas that I caused breakdown.I honestly started doing this a bit before the breakup, I began to work on some things, but it was too late. I became more positive. I slowed my thoughts down and tried to be more appreciative. I review texts, and I honestly am mostly proud of how i engaged for the last few weeks of the relationship (didn't scroll back more than a month). I have reflected on everything from being stubborn and saying no (to engaging in such activities -- I think this was anxiety), being concerned about money (who pays for what? him always wanting to be at my house & me paying for electricity/water/heat bills), I was always the one who had to drive us to long distance activities due to having a more reliable car (camping, road trips), being defensive and learning how to apologize appropriately, sharing my feelings. My ex called me selfish, emotionally mute, and he didn't like parts of my personality. I did make the mistake of putting extra pressure on him with his job. He gave me the time he had. I just wanted quality time.

I have been reading blog posts, set up therapy for weeks to come, but what I wonder is... how do I avoid dragging these patterns into other relationships? how can i work on these things if I am not with the person who sees these flaws? These issues are not all going to go away with therapy and self work if they can't be practiced or actioned. It makes me feel like my partner gave up on me, and those were "our" issues.

 

Any insights are greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Edited December 22, 2020 by blocker

[stillafool]

I think your ex was just using these excuses about you to break up because he wanted to be with this other girl.  He basically blamed the breakup on your behavior because he's too much of a coward to tell you he found someone else he wanted to be with.  So he blamed you, the pandemic and everything else other than the truth.  Stop blaming yourself.  Who cares if he didn't like your personality, someone will and you can't change who you are.  You just have to find someone who is compatible with you.  There's nothing wrong with you.

[Gaeta]

He made those accusations to ease his guilt. If he was not happy in the relationship he had to speak up or leave before engaging with another woman. You feel that way now but give it time and you'll see clearer, and see it's not the way he says it. When I caught my ex-bf cheating he threw at me all types of accusations like I did not prioritized him & we did not have enough sex. I was ready to buy all that but then a few weeks went by and heck no! I did prioritize him in many ways.

[Watercolors]

Agree with the others, OP. This behavior is more common than you'd think. He is not compatible with you, or this relationship would have worked out. It always comes down to compatibility. That's why relationships fail - when both people are too incompatible with each other. And sometimes it's not obvious right away, the incompatibilities. Sometimes those don't appear until farther along in the relationship. 

[Happy Lemming]

Sometimes its nobody's fault... sometimes a relationship just runs its course and ends.  It is possible either you or him or both of you subconsciously wanted out and you or him or both of you created "angst" where there was previously none to be found.

I can remember quite a few relationships (I was in) where the woman didn't do anything wrong, but I just wanted out.  I don't know if I was restless or craved something else or what it was.  I just know the relationship had reached its natural end. The journey was over and it was time to end it.

[blocker]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

I think your ex was just using these excuses about you to break up because he wanted to be with this other girl.  He basically blamed the breakup on your behavior because he's too much of a coward to tell you he found someone else he wanted to be with.  So he blamed you, the pandemic and everything else other than the truth.  Stop blaming yourself.  Who cares if he didn't like your personality, someone will and you can't change who you are.  You just have to find someone who is compatible with you.  There's nothing wrong with you.

Yes he said that the relationship was ending because of me, not her. As well as the way he started to unfairly treat me. But prior to this girl, there were these issues that I listed in the post. They lasted for 4-5 months. I feel like they did get better on my part. As i mentioned, I was positive, willing to do things, did not overact like I once did during fights. This final straw fight we had that ended the relationship was not the first time that he spoke of ending it with me. This is why it is hard not to blame myself. She was not part of the picture. I don't think I ever really called him out for doing anything wrong, other than texting this girl. Or maybe he down played the things that i spoke to him about, or turned it on me. I seriously have no idea how it turns out that i did EVERYTHING wrong.

This is why I am worried for my future. How do I avoid all these relationship problems I have with him... if I am not with him to work on them..? I feel like a flawed person especially because it doesn't really feel like I have been involved in many healthy relationships.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, blocker said:

This is why I am worried for my future. How do I avoid all these relationship problems I have with him... 

Why do you believe anything this guy tells you. 

No relationships are the same. Next time the guy will have a different personality, different flaws, different qualities, you may never face these problems anymore, they will be different problems. I was once dumped because I was *too rational*. Never after that anyone accused me of being *too rational*. I simply met different men that appreciated my rationality instead of viewing it as a flaw. 

You will do fine in your next relationships. We grow with each of our relationships, we mature, age, and naturally gain wisdom. I don't know why you put so much importance in what this guy is telling you. It's only the opinion of 1 man. He doesn't hold the holy truth. 

[blocker]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why do you believe anything this guy tells you. 

No relationships are the same. Next time the guy will have a different personality, different flaws, different qualities, you may never face these problems anymore, they will be different problems. I was once dumped because I was *too rational*. Never after that anyone accused me of being *too rational*. I simply met different men that appreciated my rationality instead of viewing it as a flaw. 

You will do fine in your next relationships. We grow with each of our relationships, we mature, age, and naturally gain wisdom. I don't know why you put so much importance in what this guy is telling you. It's only the opinion of 1 man. He doesn't hold the holy truth. 

I think i have put so much importance on his words because I trusted him, and I loved him. I had never met someone who made me feel so comfortable, who cared to research/ read books for improving the relationship, one that opted to go to therapy to work on himself. How could i believe otherwise when previous relationships never reached that level of communication comfort.

My flaws were always a topic of conversation. They were always reasons for arguments.  With all of this, and my previous relationships all being quite negative, it makes me feel like i am flawed and the very reason for this relationship to end. 

I truly feel like I do not know up from down right now. 

 

[Wiseman2]

Trust your instincts. A bad reaction to a bad situation means your protective instinct is intact.

Too often, these feelings/reactions are very unpleasant, therefore buried and denied.

It's best to address that "ick" and "eew" feeling upfront and lean right into it.

If you wait and see for too long... It just gets worse.

It seems the "pattern" is one of simply not cutting your losses sooner. That's easy to fix when you listen carefully to your gut feeling.

Edited December 23, 2020 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, blocker said:

This is why I am worried for my future. How do I avoid all these relationship problems I have with him... if I am not with him to work on them..? I feel like a flawed person especially because it doesn't really feel like I have been involved in many healthy relationships.

Again, there is nothing wrong with YOU!  You will avoid these problems in your future relationship by choosing partners who are compatible with you.  Your boyfriend was ready to leave this relationship before he met this girl.  Probably because he just wanted to be free to date other girls.  It happens but it isn't because of you even though he put the blame on you.  There was nothing you could do to save this relationship because he was ready to move on.  It happens to most of us.  It's part of growing up.

[blocker]

It’s me again...

 

Apparently the ex noticed a different hair style in profile photo on a messaging app he recently downloaded (connected to phone contacts) and went to my FB page to see a larger photo, to discover I deleted him. I however, deleted him probably 3 weeks ago. This photo is actually years old and hasn’t changed in years. He got the app to talk to the girl that caused him to finally leave me. He didn’t tell me this, but ... I just have a spidey sense. Point aside. 

 

I received a message after 14 days NC. Asking why I deleted him. I did not reply before he sent another saying “never mind I think I know why. Hope you’re happy etc.”

 

Quite a few hours later, I did reply. He wanted to know if the person I had a video of on my page was my new boyfriend. Yikes to apparently weak profile settings. He said, if so, he was really happy for me, and if not he hopes I find someone to match all my needs. I refused to answer his question by saying he shouldn’t worry about my personal life. He asked a total of three times. He said that his brain won’t settle until he knows either way. He said he wasn’t jealous, just genuinely interested. Once he knows either way, he will be fine. He said he has many complicated and convoluted thoughts which he did not want to get in to. It would allow him to have a clearer situation of our situation and how he should act  or not act accordingly. But he said he just wanted to know out of curiosity. 

 

Wtf. The sad news is, he betrayed me, but I still love him. He was always open to the idea of being friends. I am not, especially at this time. I don’t know what he is doing or why he wouldn’t explain these complicated thoughts and dropped words such as “about our situation”.  It is possible he knew I was really struggling with the end of the relationship prior to me going NC. I wasn’t okay with the ending of the R. 
 

He ended the convo by saying he wouldn’t reach out again unless it was important, but if I wanted to send him a message he would gladly reply. 

 

What is going on? You can’t tell me that 4 weeks after a breakup, he “just” wants to know to free himself from thinking. Why he’s keeping his thoughts to himself seems selfish af. My heart is in two places - one I am angry he would contact me with unknown intentions, and two kinda interested as to why he has done this (my heart is still weak for him).  Is this worth another conversation or should I go straight back to NC?

ps. I am not seeing a new guy. I am working on myself. He however, seems to be communicating with this girl on an hourly basis. 

 

[maggiemtn]

2 hours ago, blocker said:

He said he wasn’t jealous, just genuinely interested. 

 

He was always open to the idea of being friends. I am not, especially at this time. 
 

He ended the convo by saying he wouldn’t reach out again unless it was important, but if I wanted to send him a message he would gladly reply. 

 

Your ex sounds like mine in the wanting to stay friends/keep in touch, etc. Mine is like hell-bent on it. I even said “I just want you to know I don’t feel this has ended on good terms,” and he told me that’s a choice I can make and it can end on good terms, we can be friends, he wants me to find love and happiness, etc etc. 

All of this sounds nice but to me it is just a way for the person who left you to keep a little security blanket and know that whenever they need to reach out to you, you’ll be there. It alleviates their guilt of ending the relationship, and to me the whole thing is just selfish. Grown adults should understand that when someone gets dumped, they’re going to be hurt, angry, hopeless, confused. But instead of respecting that and leaving you in peace, they find little ways to reach out or have it in their head that all is well so their life can go on without any real changes and always knowing you’re just a message away. 
 

This is why I blocked my ex on every medium I could get ahold of. Phone, text, shut down my socials, all of it. While I don’t hate him or think he’s the world’s most horrible person, I am not willing to risk my sanity to be his buddy or just even have him know I’ll respond to whatever whim he wants. With what is going on with my breakup, it kind of blew my mind that I had to tell this person no, we cannot be friends right now or check up on each other. I think he even said “It makes me sad to think we won’t talk everyday anymore” That is part of breaking up. What is that silly saying, you can’t have your cake and eat it too? Well, they can’t. It’s hard to have the willpower not to respond to an ex. The best way to do it is block them and you’ll never know what you missed. I feel for you, I know how hard this is. 

[blocker]

Yeh last night I told him friends at this point probably wouldn’t work for me. I also told him that I wouldn’t want to do that to a future partner. He understands and said he would fully respect that if I didn’t want to be his friend. He said if I needed to remove him from my life to flourish he would respect that.

 

so my problem is really more around wondering why he messaged me last night wondering about my relationship status and wrote it off as just wanting to know to ease his mind. That bothers me because I feel like if he said he wanted to try again, I might entertain the idea. But if he’s just keeping options open and wants to lead me down a road for months... I am good. 
 

just wondering if I should have a conversation to figure his head out, go NC and try and do my own thing, or literally just say no I am good, leave me alone (although that’s not truly what I want)...

Edited December 26, 2020 by blocker

[maggiemtn]

It is an exercise in futility and will drive you insane trying to figure out another person’s motives. I have a short-term relationship ex that I fell incredibly hard for when I was in my late 20s. He decided to end it but then kept texting me “I miss you” and similar things. I got all excited and texted back “Do you want to meet up and talk?” And he responded “Perhaps.” I analyzed his one word response of “perhaps” for an ENTIRE DAY. Just running every single scenario in my mind. It was so incredibly pointless that it’s now an inside joke between me and my friends when anyone says “perhaps.” 
 

What I personally am trying to focus on right now in my current breakup is that it didn’t work. It’s over for a reason. It seems to me that people who are the ones leaving have a hard time making a clean break too, just like us. I’ve been on that side too and it was hard not to wonder what the other person was up to, and I even got sad and missed them. But the relationship wasn’t right and I didn’t reach out for a year. Now we are great friends because we literally have no romantic hang ups on each other. There is another relationship I had for 7 years that I still to this day (8 years on) do not feel comfortable going there. We don’t talk at all unless someone close died. 
 

Even if you ask, you won’t get the answer you’re looking for. He said he just wants to know to know. Whatever anyone says, just take them at their word. Believe them and focus on yourself. Him saying he wants you to “flourish” and all that is not an indicator he wants to get back together. My ex said the same to me, “I want you to find love and happiness.” None of those things say “I want you back.” That’s how I look at it. 

[blocker]

3 hours ago, blocker said:

He said he wasn’t jealous, just genuinely interested. Once he knows either way, he will be fine. He said he has many complicated and convoluted thoughts which he did not want to get in to. It would allow him to have a clearer situation of our situation and how he should act  or not act accordingly. But he said he just wanted to know out of curiosity. 

Yeah this just feels really bad. Complicated and convoluted thoughts which he did not want to get in to. I also don’t believe that 4 weeks go by and there is no sense of jealousy. I mean, If he didn’t really care, why did he ask?

it feels like if I said yah I’ve moved on - it makes him feel better about also moving on.

If I say, I am working on myself, it gives him a sense of relief to know options are there (hence the convoluted thoughts). 
 

im just annoyed he gets to ask me, but yet can’t express these thoughts. 

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, blocker said:

Yeah this just feels really bad. Complicated and convoluted thoughts which he did not want to get in to. I also don’t believe that 4 weeks go by and there is no sense of jealousy. I mean, If he didn’t really care, why did he ask?

it feels like if I said yah I’ve moved on - it makes him feel better about also moving on.

If I say, I am working on myself, it gives him a sense of relief to know options are there (hence the convoluted thoughts). 
 

im just annoyed he gets to ask me, but yet can’t express these thoughts. 

It sounds like he's trying to sabotage your efforts to move on. It also sounds like he's succeeding.

The reason why he gets to ask you stupid questions that keep you in limbo while he moves on is because you allowed him to. You left the door open to him.

This latest stunt by him has convinced me that the end of your relationship is not 100% down to you. Please do yourself a favor and tell him byebye then block him. Then allow yourself to recover and to learn whatever genuine lessons you can from the ended relationship. You can reestablish a friendship with him if you must when you've done all the recovering you can and feel strong enough to be friends again.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, blocker said:

I received a message after 14 days NC. 

The key is to delete AND block him and ALL his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

This is so you can heal and reflect in peace without social media nonsense or unwanted contact that interrupts your peace.

Take this time to go through all your social media privacy settings and make sure your content is only viewable to trusted friends and contacts.

Edited December 26, 2020 by Wiseman2

[blocker]

57 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The key is to delete AND block him and ALL his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

This is so you can heal and reflect in peace without social media nonsense or unwanted contact that interrupts your peace.

Take this time to go through all your social media privacy settings and make sure your content is only viewable to trusted friends and contacts.

Yeah I feel like I will get slammed for this.
 

I am struggling so hard. I want to be chosen. I am not chosen. I know that. Walking away from habits and feelings is hard, and the conversation yesterday was sprinkled with more unknowns than ever before. Last time we spoke, he was basically like “this ain’t going to work, go work on you”. It was enough for me to be like okay girl, you need to go. This last conversation has me questioning everything. Like why does he have all these mixed feelings that he won’t share, how come he NEEDS to know if I am dating. He knows I wasn’t my best self, he knows I’ve been heavily working on things. Ugh. Just afraid of making a mistake. I feel like I am going CRAZY trying to figure out the WHY behind him wanting to know so bad. 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, blocker said:

Yeah I feel like I will get slammed for this.

For what and by whom?

If you appropriately block him, he can't "slam" you.

A therapist may help you identify self-defeating behaviors and help replace those with more productive, satisfactory behaviors and actions.

Edited December 26, 2020 by Wiseman2

[blocker]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

For what and by whom?

If you appropriately block him, he can't "slam" you.

A therapist may help you identify self-defeating behaviors and help replace those with more productive, satisfactory behaviors and actions.

Well, slam from love shack users. 
 

There were issues with our relationship - many of them were my repeating patterns that I have noticed from relationship to relationship. I have therapy set up and the soonest I could get in was this coming up week. 
 

I am afraid of removing someone from my life. I hate leaving things where I don’t know someone’s intentions. At least if he were to be like, yeah I’m moving on. That’s enough of an answer. But his messages last night have me thinking... why is he so confused. Why does he care if I am dating? How does it impact our situation or his future actions? I have all these questions now. I just want them answered. I am afraid to block and close the book.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, blocker said:

. He understands and said he would fully respect that if I didn’t want to be his friend. He said if I needed to remove him from my life to flourish he would respect that.

There's nothing confusing or confused here.

He's checked out and moved on.

He's fine with you doing the same.

[blocker]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's nothing confusing or confused here.

He's checked out and moved on.

He's fine with you doing the same.

Yes he said that. But what I am wondering is.. if someone is claiming to have moved on, why do they care about my relationship status? why are they looking at my profile pictures? why are they telling me that they need to know what my dating status is so they can stop thinking about it? Why did he say that he has all these confused and convoluted thoughts? why did he say it will help him clear up our situation? last i checked we were breaking up and there was no situation? What about him having this information changing how he decides to act or not act? These seem like very generic sentences. They are saying something, but with no real information.

In my past, when i have ended a relationship, or even been dumped... its is over. There is no confusing thoughts. There is no need to ask questions about whether we are seeing other people 4 weeks later. There is nothing that needs to be cleared. I don't think saying "hey i am moving on, do the same" jives fully with his comments. So I am confused. 

Edited December 26, 2020 by blocker

[Wiseman2]

Do you wish to stay in touch and reconcile?

Make sure he's not setting the table for easy sex with the ex or a demotion to fwb. That's the only reason he's fishing around for your availability/vulnerabilities.

If he had good intentions and wanted to reconcile, you wouldn't be confused. It would be crystal clear.

Hanging on like this could appear desperate.

[blocker]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you wish to stay in touch and reconcile?

Make sure he's not setting the table for easy sex with the ex or a demotion to fwb. That's the only reason he's fishing around for your availability/vulnerabilities.

If he had good intentions and wanted to reconcile, you wouldn't be confused. It would be crystal clear.

Hanging on like this could appear desperate.

I don't want to stay in touch if it means friends. This might be easiest for him because it means keeping me in his life. I don't need this. He isn't the type to engage in easy sex or FWB. I am not worried about that. If this other girl wasn't part of the picture, I think time and space would have been good for us. To let the stress settle, and to do some reflecting. We did have counselling set up before the end of the R. 

I don't think I can consider these "good" intentions.  I don't think he knows what he wants. If he says too much, he doesn't want to be held accountable. It isn't crystal clear and or communicated in that way because his head is a mess. As he said, "confused and convoluted thoughts" that he doesn't want to get in to. He wanted my relationship information to help settle his brain, and determine his actions. He always stated my relationship status was one unknown piece out of many in the equations of confusion. 

I know this is a mess. I am anxious, and it is taking everything inside of me to not ask him what is going on. I also don't know if i am ready to just block him. I know I don't owe him anything but he was surprised I deleted him randomly without saying anything to him about it.

[Wiseman2]

He cheated on you then broke up to be with her. That doesn't seem confusing.

Pull yourself up and stop trying to get a fool like this guy back.

He'll only hurt you more. He's not confused, his head isn't a mess, he's just a run-of-the-mill cheater/liar.