GF's son has become a complete nuisance.

[wheream_i]

My GF and have been together for two years and I definitely feel she is the one and I love her dearly. However, something happened recently that has me rethinking things. 

She has a 13 year old son who looks up to me, and while he has the ability to be a good kid, has behavioral issues that seem to have gotten worse over time. He is overly attached to his mother, as in he CANNOT keep his hands off of her, constantly wanting a kiss from her, hanging all over her, etc. If she and I are doing something as meaningless as holding hands, he inserts himself right between us. He's an only child and needs constant attention. When she becomes playful with him, he immediately loses control, flailing about. His actions have given her a swollen lip, broken her glasses, caused her to fall and bruise herself. When I bring it up, she just says he can't control himself. She will literally repeat herself 10 GD times to behave himself. He listens for five minutes and he's back to doing it again. My instinct is to yell at the top of my lungs, "f***ING KNOCK IT OFF!!!!" But, of course, that's not my place. I recently watched him completely disrespect his grandfather when he took his phone away when he was trying to have a conversation with him. He went towards him and tried to take the phone back while mom just let it go. The kid just cannot sit still, carry on a conversation or do anything to act like a grownup. I never once gave us a 2nd thought until I saw that and now I don't know what to do. 

Any insight? Thank you in advance. 

[Happy Lemming]

Time to leave...

It's only a matter of time before this 13 year old's behavior escalates and he makes up stories about you. Then you are defending yourself in a court of law.

The mother isn't going to correct his behavior.  The grandfather incident is proof positive of that fact.

Rule #1 in my book... Don't date single mothers.  You learned a valuable lesson, now get out before it gets worse.

[Watercolors]

Sounds like two years of too much stress. 

Sounds like your g/f enables her son, probably out of guilt for being a single parent to him. She also enmeshes herself with her teenage son, as single parents tend to turn their child into a pseudo-spouse when they are a single parent. Despite the fact that you're in the picture, that weird enmeshed dynamic already exists between her and her son. She won't draw appropriate boundaries with her son, b/c she's afraid to lose that enmeshment. She's afraid of her son's rejection. Otherwise, she'd set more appropriate behavioral boundaries. Poor kid. He's going to grow up with a screwed up set of values when he starts to date. 

As I see it, the problem isn't the son. The problem starts with his mom - your girlfriend. Change HER behavior, and his behavior will change. Until she accepts reality about her influence over her teenage son, he won't change. She has to be the example here as the adult, as the parent. But, sounds like she doesn't want to do that. So, the problem with her son will persist. He'll act out and probably become violent when he gets into his late teens. That's how the pattern develops. Or can. 

You sound like you have appropriate boundaries. But you're dating a woman who doesn't care about parenting correctly. It's not your job to fix her or her son. You should be in a relationship with a woman who has control over her children, because she's interested in creating appropriate boundaries with them, so that they can grow up to be well-rounded adults. If you stay, you'll only get embroiled in fights with the son, and she will do NOTHING to intervene b/c you're not her first priority. Her first priority is her son's adulation and she's willing to sacrifice logic and reason to maintain that weird, enmeshed mother-son-psuedo-spouse dynamic that she has with him. 

Unless you send him off to one of those behavioral camps where they work around horses out in nature, if you stay, you'll just be miserable. Don't waste your love on someone so incompatible as this woman and her on is to you. Find a more compatible woman, single mother or not. But your girlfriend? She's not the one. Your feelings don't matter to her. Or she'd change. But she won't. So you're stuck. This is how it will always be with her, her son, and her parents. That's your role. Sorry. 

[basil67]

With so many unusual behaviours which are not usual for his age group, I'm extremely cautious of labeling this boy as naughty or bad or just needing some good discipline.  It's my view that his mother would do both herself and her son a great service by seeking advice from a paediatrician.   I'd be wanting to rule out all diagnoses.  And no matter whether or not he gets a diagnosis, professional behaviour support sounds like it's very much needed.   Support which helps the son manage his behaviour and teaches the mother how best to support him.

If you suggested she talk to a paediatrian about the things her son struggles with, do you think she'd listen?

[Watercolors]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

With so many unusual behaviours which are not usual for his age group, I'm extremely cautious of labeling this boy as naughty or bad or just needing some good discipline.  It's my view that his mother would do both herself and her son a great service by seeking advice from a paediatrician.   I'd be wanting to rule out all diagnoses.  And no matter whether or not he gets a diagnosis, professional behaviour support sounds like it's very much needed.   Support which helps the son manage his behaviour and teaches the mother how best to support him.

If you suggested she talk to a paediatrian about the things her son struggles with, do you think she'd listen?

Good suggestion basil67. The mother lets her son act out of control. But maybe he does need a diagnosis; ADHD, on the Autism spectrum, or an emotional-behavioral disorder or something. If he had an IEP at school, he’d get the support that way too. But the question is, if he does have a diagnosis, would this mother that the OP has written about, be able to cope and follow-through on providing her son with support at home if he needs it. She doesn’t sound like she’s very responsible as it is. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

With so many unusual behaviours which are not usual for his age group, I'm extremely cautious of labeling this boy as naughty or bad or just needing some good discipline.  It's my view that his mother would do both herself and her son a great service by seeking advice from a paediatrician.   I'd be wanting to rule out all diagnoses.  And no matter whether or not he gets a diagnosis, professional behaviour support sounds like it's very much needed.   Support which helps the son manage his behaviour and teaches the mother how best to support him.

If you suggested she talk to a paediatrian about the things her son struggles with, do you think she'd listen?

All of the above. 

My guess, based on what OP has described, is that there is something much deeper going on with this boy that warrants compassionate, professional evaluation. I too hesitate to say he's just misbehaved as his behaviours are not typical even for a spoiled pre-teen. Telling this boy to knock it off or sit still is likely to get nobody anywhere. 

Having said that, if Mom is not open to the idea of having a medical professional conducts a full assessment, then you need to ask yourself if you're really able to continue the relationship. 

[Millennial]

Not your kid, and therefore you can't discipline him properly.

Problem is that if the kid rules the mother, and the mother undermines you regarding him, then a little kid is running the home.

[Ellener]

First off, no child is 'overly attached' to their mother; he is simply relating to her how they have always related before you came along @wheream_i

Don't understand the 'being playful with him'? If he gets riled up and overactive probably best not to do whatever that is. Some parents seem to revel in tickling/teasing/play-fighting/rough-housing etc for some reason.

Second- most teen parents are complaining about something at this age ( usually involving 'disrespect' or challenging authority ) and for a few years to come. A mother and child come as a package so if you want to be with her as a permanent couple you'll need to accept that. And she'd need to accept that you'll have an input on the family and parenting dynamic.

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, wheream_i said:

My GF and have been together for two years 

She has a 13 year old son who looks up to me,  

Unfortunately it's a package deal. And it's how your GF wants it to be. You're right it's not your place to intervene.

That's for her and the father.

Do you live together? Why not spend less time around her when she has her son.?

Keep in mind your GF is the one creating this barrier, not the child.

Observe and decide what you can or can't live with.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Watercolors said:

She doesn’t sound like she’s very responsible as it is. 

I wouldn't make that judgement based on such little information.  

[Fletch Lives]

It's only temporary..... he won't be 13 for long, it's a phase.

So go on a date with her when she has a babysitter. Tell me you don't live together. 

It's her kid, not your problem.

[d0nnivain]

Screaming at the kid won't help.   Mom needs a better parenting strategy which may require some professional intervention.  The kid is acting out for a reason that needs to be addressed.  If she won't intervene it may be time for a new GF

[Ruby Slippers]

If you can't accept things the way they are, you could suggest counseling for the kid. But I have a feeling she won't go for that. I wouldn't be able to deal with this situation without some serious changes. Their enmeshed relationship may continue well into adulthood. That's how those relationships tend to go.

[lana-banana]

This really does not seem like typical bratty or clingy kid behavior, especially the flailing and hitting hard enough to harm. I would strongly (but kindly) recommend an evaluation with a pediatrician and a child psychologist; he could very well be ED or on the autism spectrum.

[MsJayne]

Your GF is an inadequate parent and if you hang around you're going to end up wanting to throttle the kid.  I have never yet met a parent who takes it well when someone criticises their little darling, they're more likely to act like you're a monster for pointing out that their kid is offensive.  He may, as others have suggested, be on the autism spectrum, but it sounds more like just garden variety discipline and boundary issues because it's unlikely that he'd get to thirteen without teachers noticing the behavioural and learning problems associated with an organic brain disorder.  You need to tell your GF that you've seen enough and can't deal with the disrespect, she has to get help to fix this or you have to leave because it will get worse. From your brief description I get that this kid is actually getting away with assaulting his mother, because the "he can't control himself" thing is just absolute rubbish. He chooses not to control himself, and the fact that he's injured her, is a sign of things to come. If she doesn't stop him in his tracks now, (and at thirteen she better get a move on), he will likely develop more anti-social behaviours. She is setting him up to fail at life and she needs to be responsible and sort the mess she's created. 

[Millennial]

You have to ask where is the father? Failing that, where are the others like uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents, etc?

Putting his hands on his mum should really be a death sentence. I was grabbed up as a teen just for not helping my mum take the shopping from the car lol. If I wouldn't have helped with something today, someone would probably have gotten the hump, and I'm in my 30's.

I don't agree with putting him on pills. It sounds like he just isn't living a decent life. He might have the latest iphone, but doesn't have normal family life that people take for granted.

You can take him to boxing and the football, hopefully to give him some sort of positive outlet. But it's still putting a plaster over a gaping wound. Worse of all is that this really isn't your business or your kid. In such situations, it's seriously best to just keep your distance, keep your own place, and definitely not to move in together.