GF moved out out of nowhere - totally devastated

[tart6245]

Hello everyone, and thanks for reading. I just needed somewhere to write because I am still in shock and have no idea where to turn or what to do. 

My ex and I dated for over two and a half years and had been living together for six months. Up until yesterday, I thought things were going well. There were no obvious signs or events or fights that led me to believe that we were on the verge of a breakup. We had plans to spend the holidays with family and she was actively helping me get ready for their arrival. We went out to dinner with friends last weekend and everyone said she seemed completely normal and happy.

Then, yesterday, I come home in the middle of my workday to find all of her stuff gone and her sitting there waiting on me she is going to stay at her parents house until she decides what her next move is. According to her, the reasons why we "need to do this" ranged from her feeling like she had to clean up after me during the day (she worked from home while I do not) to my snoring (I had told her a few weeks ago I was trying to get a referral to a specialist to have this addressed) to me enjoying going out and her not doing so. She also expressed frustration with how long it took me to introduce her to my family and push the relationship forward. This is something we had previously talked about, and I thought things were really progressing now and that problem had been addressed. She was around my friends and family more than I was around hers. She said she was sure we weren't anywhere close to an engagement. She also brought up how she was the one that pushed to move in together as I was getting concerned due to covid and the prospect of both of us working remotely in a small, one bedroom apartment.But she ended up moving in and it seemed to be working well. 

I asked her if this was permanent or not, and she replied I always said if she moved out we couldn't stay together. I kept asking her to be direct, but she never was. She said she had no plans to see other people, but if I met someone I really liked to not wait for her because that person "may be your soulmate." She said she was going to miss spending time with me and being with me, and that she loved me and I am her best friend. I kept asking why she was doing this, and she just kept saying she thinks it is best for both of us, and she knows I was not totally happy either. She said she felt like I fell in love with the person she was two and a half years ago, and she had changed a lot in those years. I asked her how long she had been planning this, and she claimed she decided the day before and had not given it thought before then. She is a bit younger than I am by about 7 years, so I feel like this is totally impulsive and immature not to tell me the severity of the situation. All of these problems seem to be easily addressed. I regret making her feel like she needed to push me for everything and convince me she wanted me, but we had talked that through and I had no idea it was still an issue. 

I am totally blindsided and devastated and I don't know what to do now. I told her I would not contact her. It looks like she un-friended me on all but one social media platform and has unfriended all my friends she knew. I guess my best course is to just say nothing and try to move on with my life? I want to reach out to her in a few weeks, but I always feel like that never goes well. 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

 but if I met someone I really liked to not wait for her because that person "may be your soulmate."

I am so so sorry this is happening to you.

This little bit here that I am quoting, to me, it means she has someone else. NO woman on this earth would suggest a man she loved to go meet someone else. She is suggesting that to ease her conscience. She is leaving you for someone else. 

I am sorry. 

[tart6245]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I am so so sorry this is happening to you.

This little bit here that I am quoting, to me, it means she has someone else. NO woman on this earth would suggest a man she loved to go meet someone else. She is suggesting that to ease her conscience. She is leaving you for someone else. 

I am sorry. 

This is something after talking it over that was suggested, that she met someone else and decided to move forward with him and move out of my place. I just have no idea how or where she would meet someone else given how often she was home. It was not like she was out very often unless the time she spent with her parents was actually with someone else, but she would send me pictures so it seemed like she was actually doing what she said she was doing. She also has only dated one other person in her life before me. It just seems so out of character that she met someone else and would lie to me about it. Logically is sounds possible, but out of character.

[d0nnivain]

I'm so sorry she hurt you but with this other person in the picture, I'm afraid this is over.  

Lick your wounds.  Go NC.  Heal & move on.  

If she does come crawling back, do not accept that.  You would be 2nd best because the other guy didn't work out.  That is no way to live.  

[Fletch Lives]

Guys are usually blindsided when breakups and divorce happens. They don't use their intuition and don't see the warning signs.

[tart6245]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm so sorry she hurt you but with this other person in the picture, I'm afraid this is over.  

Lick your wounds.  Go NC.  Heal & move on.  

If she does come crawling back, do not accept that.  You would be 2nd best because the other guy didn't work out.  That is no way to live.  

I am not so sure there is someone else in the picture. Perhaps I am in denial. She just never struck me as the type to do something like that, but also never struck me as the type to move out like she did. 

[Fletch Lives]

There is no indication there is another guy.

There does not need to be another guy for a woman to fall out of love.

[Gaeta]

@tarheelian: We are always the last person to see it. Give it a few weeks and it will be out in the open. I don't hold the holy truth but her sudden change of heart, her ridiculous excuses (you don't pick up and snoring) all indicate toward there is someone else. 

[tart6245]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@tarheelian: We are always the last person to see it. Give it a few weeks and it will be out in the open. I don't hold the holy truth but her sudden change of heart, her ridiculous excuses (you don't pick up and snoring) all indicate toward there is someone else. 

It indicates I don't know the full story. She had asked me to address my snoring and said she was frustrated we could not sleep next to each other often. I had gone to my primary doctor but had not gone to a specialist and she expressed frustration that I didn't seem to make it a priority. Is that a reason for a breakup? Maybe to her it is. 

[Gaeta]

I'm reading that 10% of women dealing with a partner that snores will breakup over it. 

[tart6245]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm reading that 10% of women dealing with a partner that snores will breakup over it. 

It was an issue I never fully addressed until now and it's been 6 months or so. That's my fault. I am probably reading too much into it being the dealbreaker though. You'd think if she really loved and cared for me, she would have told me that if I didn't address it soon she would consider leaving. Two weeks ago, she sat with me at dinner lamenting that she didn't like feeling like she constantly had to reassure me how much she wanted our relationship. I'm just totally shocked that it went from that to a breakup in 2 weeks.

[d0nnivain]

6 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

You'd think if she really loved and cared for me, she would have told me that if I didn't address it soon she would consider leaving. 

the sudden nature of this makes me question her communication skills.  You can't have a long term relationship with somebody who doesn't talk to you & tell you how they are feeling.  She expected you to read her mind.  That's not fair.  

[tart6245]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

the sudden nature of this makes me question her communication skills.  You can't have a long term relationship with somebody who doesn't talk to you & tell you how they are feeling.  She expected you to read her mind.  That's not fair.  

By nature she is very quiet, reserved and hates confrontation. She told me if she had talked to me about these issues, I'd have just gotten defensive and not listened. Really unfair to me that I wasn't even given the chance to hear her out before she just packed up and left. 

[Gaeta]

No, no, don't fall for that. She DID communicate it all to you. You went over the snoring 6 months ago, she told you about wanting to meet your parents and you explained why you took your time AND you corrected the situation, etc etc. She was capable of communicating and she did. Those are not deal breakers for majority of people, they're dating issues couples compromise and work on. She simply did not want to be in a relationship with you anymore. To suggest you to bond with another woman indicates she was emotionally detached from you and probably for a while. I still keep my initial impression, you'll see someone else show up soon. 

[tart6245]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

No, no, don't fall for that. She DID communicate it all to you. You went over the snoring 6 months ago, she told you about wanting to meet your parents and you explained why you took your time AND you corrected the situation, etc etc. She was capable of communicating and she did. Those are not deal breakers for majority of people, they're dating issues couples compromise and work on. She simply did not want to be in a relationship with you anymore. To suggest you to bond with another woman indicates she was emotionally detached from you and probably for a while. I still keep my initial impression, you'll see someone else show up soon. 

Perhaps. I have asked her in the past about feeling as if she was checked out, and she always would tell me how much she wanted me and didn't know what else she needed to do to prove it to me. This was two weeks ago. Either she was lying or something else happened. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree it's very common that a woman makes soft, polite attempts to communicate her grievances but the man doesn't pick up on how important it is to address them until it's too late. 

I relate to her feelings about having to clean up after you all the time. This was a problem in my last relationship. While it doesn't sound like such a big deal on the surface, over time it wears away at you that this guy isn't doing his part and is treating you basically like a housekeeper. It makes you feel unappreciated, taken for granted, diminished, and eventually you just get completely sick of it. After I broke up with my ex, I had this huge feeling of relief and peace after cleaning my kitchen and realizing he wasn't around to come right in and mess it up again, disrespecting me and leaving me to clean it all up again. I've noticed that a lot of women are getting fed up with being the default housekeeper. So much couples' advice I've seen lately is about how big a difference it makes if the man helps out with the housework.

As for the snoring, studies show that couples who are not able to sleep peacefully together tend to be more troubled in the relationship and are likelier to break up. I've had boyfriends who started out as fitful sleepers, but once I communicated how much I'd like to be able to sleep peacefully together, they actively worked on improving their sleep issues, and it made a world of difference. There's just nothing like falling asleep in your man's arms and waking up to his cuddles after a good night's sleep. It's very intimate and bonding. Sleeping with another person is pretty much the most intimate, vulnerable thing you can do. 

Probably the biggest issue is that you were together for 2 1/2 years with no plans to get married. I get the impression she felt this was going nowhere and you'd be "dating" forever.

[tart6245]

5 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I agree it's very common that a woman makes soft, polite attempts to communicate her grievances but the man doesn't pick up on how important it is to address them until it's too late. 

I relate to her feelings about having to clean up after you all the time. This was a problem in my last relationship. While it doesn't sound like such a big deal on the surface, over time it wears away at you that this guy isn't doing his part and is treating you basically like a housekeeper. It makes you feel unappreciated, taken for granted, diminished, and eventually you just get completely sick of it. After I broke up with my ex, I had this huge feeling of relief and peace after cleaning my kitchen and realizing he wasn't around to come right in and mess it up again, disrespecting me and leaving me to clean it all up again. I've noticed that a lot of women are getting fed up with being the default housekeeper. So much couples' advice I've seen lately is about how big a difference it makes if the man helps out with the housework.

As for the snoring, studies show that couples who are not able to sleep peacefully together tend to be more troubled in the relationship and are likelier to break up. I've had boyfriends who started out as fitful sleepers, but once I communicated how much I'd like to be able to sleep peacefully together, they actively worked on improving their sleep issues, and it made a world of difference. There's just nothing like falling asleep in your man's arms and waking up to his cuddles after a good night's sleep. It's very intimate and bonding. Sleeping with another person is pretty much the most intimate, vulnerable thing you can do. 

Probably the biggest issue is that you were together for 2 1/2 years with no plans to get married. I get the impression she felt this was going nowhere and you'd be "dating" forever.

I do very much regret not addressing my sleeping situation earlier. I did go to my primary doctor but obviously that did not fix the issue. I hated not being in bed together in the mornings when one of us had to sleep on the couch. I know that did not help matters. I let it go on for too long. And now it may be too late. As for cleaning up, I was totally unaware she had done any of that. I rarely left things dirty. 

She came from different angles, and maybe she did think I had no plans to ask her to marry me and decided to try to move on. I don't know. We had talked about marriage and children, so she knew that's what I wanted with her as well. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, tarheelian said:

 I asked her how long she had been planning this, and she claimed she decided the day before and had not given it thought before then. She is a bit younger than I am by about 7 years, so I feel like this is totally impulsive and immature not to tell me the severity of the situation.

There's no way that she actually decided to leave you the day before, and had not given it any thought before then.  She's either not being honest, or she is indeed very immature.  It sounds like she has very poor communication skills in a relationship.  She chose not to let you know that these things were bothering her at any time, to just keep it to herself and then leave.

Whatever you do, just DON'T beg, don't go crawling back to her and try to get her back.  That won't work.  You are better off without this girl, just move on with your life.  I know you are hurt now but you will get over it.

[d0nnivain]

33 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

No, no, don't fall for that. She DID communicate it all to you. You went over the snoring 6 months ago, she told you about wanting to meet your parents and you explained why you took your time AND you corrected the situation, etc etc. 

Mentioning this once 6 months ago, stewing about it & letting it get so bad that she felt she had no other choice but to pack up & leave days before Christmas without saying anything one more time is not communicating.  It's avoiding & expecting the guy to read her mind.   For her to act like everything is fine then do this is just plain mean to blindside somebody.   For her to hide behind the excuse that she hates confrontation but lie to the OP & tell him everything was fine & that she wanted him seems deceptive to me.  I'm not suggesting she had to hound him & if he did tune her out or get defensive when she raised issues then that may be the "more" that seems to be missing from his side of the story.  

[tart6245]

4 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

There's no way that she actually decided to leave you the day before, and had not given it any thought before then.  She's either not being honest, or she is indeed very immature.  It sounds like she has very poor communication skills in a relationship.  She chose not to let you know that these things were bothering her at any time, to just keep it to herself and then leave.

Whatever you do, just DON'T beg, don't go crawling back to her and try to get her back.  That won't work.  You are better off without this girl, just move on with your life.  I know you are hurt now but you will get over it.

I've never known her to be a liar. But who knows. I was just even more shocked that she said she decided the previous afternoon to leave and had not thought about it before then. She always came off as so measured and mature, so this was certainly out of character and a shock. 

[tart6245]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Mentioning this once 6 months ago, stewing about it & letting it get so bad that she felt she had no other choice but to pack up & leave days before Christmas without saying anything one more time is not communicating.  It's avoiding & expecting the guy to read her mind.   For her to act like everything is fine then do this is just plain mean to blindside somebody.   For her to hide behind the excuse that she hates confrontation but lie to the OP & tell him everything was fine & that she wanted him seems deceptive to me.  I'm not suggesting she had to hound him & if he did tune her out or get defensive when she raised issues then that may be the "more" that seems to be missing from his side of the story.  

She had mentioned my snoring again 2 weeks ago, and I told her I was going to make another appointment (and I have) to get to a specialist. I did not tell her I had done that, but again, I had no idea she was close to leaving when she tells me 2 weeks ago how much she wants this relationship.

[d0nnivain]

Nobody leaves this abruptly over snoring. 

[Ruby Slippers]

It's likely she expressed her grievances in a soft way a number of times. She didn't just randomly up and leave. I remember after the first big fight with my ex, I sent him an email clearly detailing ALL of my grievances, and he said he had NO idea I was feeling any of that - even though I had expressed all of it a number of times in a number of ways, attempting to be constructive and calm with my communication. It boggled my mind that he was so oblivious to issues I had tried resolving in a peaceful, constructive way many times.

I think men in general are pretty insensitive and oblivious to women's softer communication style. This is why women are accused of "nagging." Often, the only way to get men's attention is to escalate to a more abrasive tone, described by them as "nagging." But nagging isn't pleasant for anybody. Instead of giving in to her frustration and nagging, after trying to peacefully resolve issues and failing, this woman simply left.

[tart6245]

3 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

It's likely she expressed her grievances in a soft way a number of times. She didn't just randomly up and leave. I remember after the first big fight with my ex, I sent him an email clearly detailing ALL of my grievances, and he said he had NO idea I was feeling any of that - even though I had expressed all of it a number of times in a number of ways, attempting to be constructive and calm with my communication. It boggled my mind that he was so oblivious to issues I had tried resolving in a peaceful, constructive way many times.

I think men in general are pretty insensitive and oblivious to women's softer communication style. This is why women are accused of "nagging." Often, the only way to get men's attention is to escalate to a more abrasive tone, described by them as "nagging." But nagging isn't pleasant for anybody. Instead of giving in to her frustration and nagging, after trying to peacefully resolve issues and failing, this woman simply left.

She did. I felt I had addressed all the ones she has mentioned aside from the snoring, and I am in the process of doing that now. But, perhaps it is too late for it to make any difference in terms of she and I rebuilding what was lost. 

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

But, perhaps it is too late for it to make any difference in terms of she and I rebuilding what was lost. 

To me, and the other ladies can confirm, when a woman tells you to find someone else, the love is gone, it's too late. And she added to that maybe another woman would be your soulmate, she's confirming by that she knows she's not yours. There is nothing to save in my eyes.