GF moved out out of nowhere - totally devastated

[Gaeta]

Tarheelian: You know what I repeat to myself since my breakup? If someone wants to walk out of your life, let them. 

As for getting her parents involved if she requires it, bad idea. First she should not require it, she's 30 not 12. You want someone with an independent mind that don't need their parents approval. Second if you start that then you'll be stuck on that merry-go-round and always have to explain or justify yourself to them. It's doom from the beginning. 

[tart6245]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Tarheelian: You know what I repeat to myself since my breakup? If someone wants to walk out of your life, let them. 

As for getting her parents involved if she requires it, bad idea. First she should not require it, she's 30 not 12. You want someone with an independent mind that don't need their parents approval. Second if you start that then you'll be stuck on that merry-go-round and always have to explain or justify yourself to them. It's doom from the beginning. 

She's 25, not 30. Also, I came to the realization today that I was really her first adult relationship. Her last one was in college and ended after she graduated. While she did live with her partner, it was with her partner and roommates, not the two of them together. She had never lived with a partner alone. Living with roommates is likely a totally different dynamic. 

I am beginning to realize that while I do have my faults, she was not perfect either. There were many issues she refused to compromise on or change, and I let it slide because I loved her and wanted us to work. At the end of the day, she walked out of my life and placed the blame solely on me for our relationship's failure. And sure, I made my mistakes outlined here, but it takes two people to kill a relationship.

It also reminds me of a line she said before she moved in - "the only way us living together fails is if you do something wrong." That caused me to give pause to the move-in, but ultimately I went through with it. 

Edited December 30, 2020 by tarheelian

[Ruby Slippers]

13 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

If getting her back is ideal or is even a possibility.

Sometimes relationships end for good reason and should stay ended. And sometimes a person is done, no matter what elaborate lengths the other person goes to to win them back. And sometimes, in either case, insisting on fighting for the person does more harm than good to the "fighter."

That's true. But he's already talking about possibly contacting her soon - so I wanted to give my thoughts on what might work and what definitely doesn't work as a woman whose ex has contacted me repeatedly yet failed to inspire any reply.

Like I said, I think she's done and it's over. The OP didn't tell us upfront that one of her complaints is he hardly ever tells her he loves her. If she doesn't feel loved after 2 1/2 years, there's not much to save.

[tart6245]

6 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

That's true. But he's already talking about possibly contacting her soon - so I wanted to give my thoughts on what might work and what definitely doesn't work as a woman whose ex has contacted me repeatedly yet failed to inspire any reply.

Like I said, I think she's done and it's over. The OP didn't tell us upfront that one of her complaints is he hardly ever tells her he loves her. If she doesn't feel loved after 2 1/2 years, there's not much to save.

She never voiced that complaint and she never said it to me often either. She told me she knew I loved her. But yes, I regret I didn't say it more often. One of my biggest regrets, actually, but I am not sure that alone sunk our relationship, or if I said I love you more, she would still be in my life. 

If I was a betting person, I also don't think she will come back, at least not now, until she's had time to really think and internalize that I'm gone, and all the good aspects of what we had are gone. But I am not sure what else I have to lose by contacting her should I decide to go through with it. If she ignores me/tells me to stop, nothing changes. I may feel worse that she reacted that way, but I will survive. I'm already passed the point of wanting to beg.  

[ExpatInItaly]

18 hours ago, tarheelian said:

She's 25, not 30.

25 is still too old to require a sit-down with her parents in order to reconcile, if she eventually asked this of you. 

18 hours ago, tarheelian said:

There were many issues she refused to compromise on or change,

What were some of those issues?

[tart6245]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

25 is still too old to require a sit-down with her parents in order to reconcile, if she eventually asked this of you. 

What were some of those issues?

Truth be told, a lot of our issues began surfacing when she became obsessed with her new fitness routine that began over a year ago. Her exercise classes took priority over most everything else, and I found myself planning our days and trips around when she could miss or not miss her classes. It caused her to be too tired to do many things with me, and she'd either miss or sit out things I wanted her to attend with me because she was too tired due to overworking herself. The last trip we took in early 2020, she kept lamenting about how she was missing her classes. I asked her to please reach a better balance, but she never did. She also changed her diet and we really stopped sharing meals together. She'd make her own meal and I'd make mine. 

When she did move in, I had to plan my evening schedule or waking schedule around her workout classes, and she refused to limit in person classes even as her teachers tested positive for covid-19 even after I explained that she was risking my health and people I am around. So, when she said she felt I fell in love with who she was early on in the relationship and not the person she has changed into, she may be right. 

Maybe I am still in love with the person I met 2.5 years ago and that's who I wish would come back to me. I'm still just confused and very sad. 

Edited December 31, 2020 by tarheelian

[tart6245]

Looking back now, I think I just pushed back on her far too much and questioned her happiness too often. She did ask me 2 weeks before she moved out if she should start looking for a place of her own when I told her I felt like she was not not all in on our relationship anymore. I told her no and that I had no interest in breaking up, that I was just frustrated, but I think she left it at that and at least started to think about leaving and that I would never think she was enough. And yes, I was frustrated at how introverted she had become, and I felt like she did not really want to do anything with me aside from sitting at home.

I am sure I was wrong, and perhaps I ended up driving her away forever. I still want to have hope that she'll be willing to talk and work through things with me. 

Edited December 31, 2020 by tarheelian

[LivingWaterPlease]

On 12/25/2020 at 11:33 AM, Gaeta said:

           feeling like she had to clean up after me during the day

• to my snoring
• to me enjoying going out and her not doing so
• frustration with how long it took me to introduce her to my family and push the relationship forward.
• She said she was sure we weren't anywhere close to an engagement
• She also brought up how she was the one that pushed to move in together

tarhelian (misspelled, I know), this was never going to work, not because of the above superficial (superficial in that in comparison to the real issues they are) reasons at all. These are things she could quantify and throw out at you as reasons she was leaving but there are deeper issues both with and also between the two of you, IMO.

I believe it's possible she struggled with feeling controlled and smothered to some extent. I'm sorry to write this and not blaming you for her feelings.

Having to continually reassure you of her feelings would contribute to causing her to choose to feel smothered , imo. She could have chosen to explore the reasons why you might be feeling that way instead, but she didn't have the maturity, or the interest, not sure which, to do so.

She was not able to stand up to you in much of what you've shared here. She needs to do some growing so that she can communicate with confidence with her SO.

Also, she and her family put this together behind the scenes to some extent. IMO, that was sneaky and lacking in transparency on her part.

OTOH, you would do well to grow in learning that if you're not feeling appreciated to the point where you're needing to ask for reassurance some deeper personal assessment, followed by action (such as moving on)  relating to the situation might be in order.

I don't necessarily believe another guy is a part of her reason for leaving. I believe she just lost her feelings for the relationship and was probably venting to her family who sided with her and possibly even encouraged her to leave.

People need freedom in relationships. When one person begins to feel either smothered or controlled it's not the best for the R. Again, she was as much a part of that as you were because she didn't explore why you might be feeling that way to see if she was a contributor or if it was entirely your issue. I think this is a complex one you can't blame on any one thing, such as the snoring.

I have to agree with those who encourage you to move on because I also believe with her telling you she hopes you meet your soulmate someday that is a very telling statement. She's letting you know she's not the one. Sorry to write that to you.

But, I believe you're going to find someone better suited to who you are than she is.

 

 

 

 

Edited December 31, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, tarheelian said:

she became obsessed with her new fitness routine that began over a year ago

Her exercise classes took priority over most everything else

she kept lamenting about how she was missing her classes.

And you still think it's impossible she has interest in another man ? (rising eyebrow)

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

And you still think it's impossible she has interest in another man ? (rising eyebrow)

I was just about to say exactly the same thing. 

I'd be wondering who in that gym had caught her eye. 

 

Edited December 31, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[tart6245]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

And you still think it's impossible she has interest in another man ? (rising eyebrow)

She was a former college athlete who had been obsessed with fitness classes before I met her but had stopped shortly before we met. There are no males in her classes (yoga) so I highly doubt she met anyone in those classes. It isn't like she was taking a coed class. 

I'm sorry, but just knowing her personality and dating history, I cannot subscribe to the idea that she met someone in her yoga class and pursued him for months/a year before leaving. She kept asking me to go with her up until the last week we were together, but I am not a yoga person. 

Edited December 31, 2020 by tarheelian

[Gaeta]

@tarheelian ok, it's just sudden interest in becoming fit is often associated with a 'new' man/woman. I know you stand strongly on there is no one else, but knowing her personality and dating history means nothing. Do not completely dismiss she could be interested in someone else. Another clue that really had me convinced is she suggested you find someone else, again it's a strong indication she suggested that because she is thinking of someone else BUT, only time will tell. 

Edited December 31, 2020 by Gaeta

[maggiemtn]

41 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

She was a former college athlete who had been obsessed with fitness classes before I met her but had stopped shortly before we met. There are no males in her classes (yoga) so I highly doubt she met anyone in those classes. It isn't like she was taking a coed class. 

I'm sorry, but just knowing her personality and dating history, I cannot subscribe to the idea that she met someone in her yoga class and pursued him for months/a year before leaving. She kept asking me to go with her up until the last week we were together, but I am not a yoga person. 

My ex was similar, he was constantly asking me to go to the gym but I rarely went because I knew he’d want to go out for beers afterward and it’d be a whole thing instead of just going to the gym. Ultimately, I don’t think it matters if she met someone else or not. It‘a simply incompatibility and there’s nowhere to go from here except to move on. There are people who become obsessed with working out and feel like if they don’t go today then they won’t go tomorrow, it’ll become a habit of not going, etc. It takes all kinds. Your ex sounds like she’s just not really the person she used to be. It happens. She has different interests now, ones you guys don’t share together. When my ex and I moved back to his hometown, he started drinking most of the days of the week. I don’t drink at all. Hard to stay in sync with someone when they have something else that takes up so much of their free time. Also, for me, my 20s were a real growing experience. A lot relationships don’t work out in someone’s early to mid-20s because there’s a lot of rapid change both internally and from external factors (like college to career life). Timing is everything. 

[tart6245]

20 hours ago, maggiemtn said:

My ex was similar, he was constantly asking me to go to the gym but I rarely went because I knew he’d want to go out for beers afterward and it’d be a whole thing instead of just going to the gym. Ultimately, I don’t think it matters if she met someone else or not. It‘a simply incompatibility and there’s nowhere to go from here except to move on. There are people who become obsessed with working out and feel like if they don’t go today then they won’t go tomorrow, it’ll become a habit of not going, etc. It takes all kinds. Your ex sounds like she’s just not really the person she used to be. It happens. She has different interests now, ones you guys don’t share together. When my ex and I moved back to his hometown, he started drinking most of the days of the week. I don’t drink at all. Hard to stay in sync with someone when they have something else that takes up so much of their free time. Also, for me, my 20s were a real growing experience. A lot relationships don’t work out in someone’s early to mid-20s because there’s a lot of rapid change both internally and from external factors (like college to career life). Timing is everything. 

Ultimately I think that is why she left - she felt I didn't love the person she had changed into and decided she had no choice but to leave. I think the argument we had a little over 2 weeks before she left is the moment she started feeling like I was not happy. I just wish she had talked to me about that and shared with me her feelings before abruptly packing up and leaving. Instead, she told me how badly she wanted me and the relationship. I feel like I let her down and gave her no choice but to leave. 

[maggiemtn]

22 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

Ultimately I think that is why she left - she felt I didn't love the person she had changed into and decided she had no choice but to leave. I think the argument we had a little over 2 weeks before she left is the moment she started feeling like I was not happy. I just wish she had talked to me about that and shared with me her feelings before abruptly packing up and leaving. Instead, she told me how badly she wanted me and the relationship. I feel like I let her down and gave her no choice but to leave. 

You didn’t give her no choice other than to leave. She could’ve chosen to have a conversation with you and say “This is how I’m feeling,” and go from there. My ex did the same. It’s best not to dwell on the things from the past we can’t change. It’s okay to be incompatible. You can enjoy some alone time working on yourself and you’ll meet someone you ARE compatible with. 

[tart6245]

8 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

You didn’t give her no choice other than to leave. She could’ve chosen to have a conversation with you and say “This is how I’m feeling,” and go from there. My ex did the same. It’s best not to dwell on the things from the past we can’t change. It’s okay to be incompatible. You can enjoy some alone time working on yourself and you’ll meet someone you ARE compatible with. 

I know she could have chosen to talk to me. I asked her why she didn't, and she said I'd just be defensive which I thought was unfair that she didn't even try. But leaving makes sense for her as she is quiet, reserved, shy, and says she has low self-esteem. I just think she started to believe I didn't love who she was now, which wasn't true at all. But she had changed a lot. She no longer enjoyed socializing like she once did and even going out to dinner seemed like a chore for her. She very much seemed to prefer being at home all the time which was really a chance since the pandemic began.

[trident_2020]

23 hours ago, tarheelian said:

She kept asking me to go with her [to yoga] up until the last week we were together, but I am not a yoga person. 

These are the sorts of compromises you need to make to keep a relationship healthy and happy. She repeatedly asked you to go to yoga with her, clearly it was important to her. What would sitting there on a mat and stretching for an hour cost you? Yet you're "not a yoga person" so you blew off her request.

That's one of many reasons she finally pulled the plug. Relationships are work, you can't make it all about what you want and expect it to go on indefinitely.

[ExpatInItaly]

37 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

I know she could have chosen to talk to me. I asked her why she didn't, and she said I'd just be defensive which I thought was unfair that she didn't even try. 

It is, but that's how you the know the person has emotionally left the relationship already. 

Despite what she's telling you, I think this had been coming for some time. She's trying to pin her craptastic way of making her exit on you, but really, it's a sign of her immaturity. For whatever reason, she doesn't have those feelings for you anymore and didn't have the cojones to be honest and tell you that. 

 

[tart6245]

1 hour ago, trident_2020 said:

These are the sorts of compromises you need to make to keep a relationship healthy and happy. She repeatedly asked you to go to yoga with her, clearly it was important to her. What would sitting there on a mat and stretching for an hour cost you? Yet you're "not a yoga person" so you blew off her request.

That's one of many reasons she finally pulled the plug. Relationships are work, you can't make it all about what you want and expect it to go on indefinitely.

I’ve gone with her before. But if it became a requirement that I go 6 days a week, then yes that was a problem. I did do other exercises with her. 
 

Again, I was not made aware me going to yoga with her was very important. 

[tart6245]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It is, but that's how you the know the person has emotionally left the relationship already. 

Despite what she's telling you, I think this had been coming for some time. She's trying to pin her craptastic way of making her exit on you, but really, it's a sign of her immaturity. For whatever reason, she doesn't have those feelings for you anymore and didn't have the cojones to be honest and tell you that. 

 

Yeah, I guess I just wish she had been more open with me if she did lose feelings. But if it makes her feel better to put all the blame on me for the relationship failing then that’s her call. 
 

I still just can’t believe she faked things with me for weeks before making her exit and dragged my family along and committed to the holidays. I didn’t think she was that good of a liar or actress  

[trident_2020]

18 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

Again, I was not made aware me going to yoga with her was very important. 

As per your words, she kept asking you every week until she dumped you.

How much more of a clue do you need?

[tart6245]

19 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

As per your words, she kept asking you every week until she dumped you.

How much more of a clue do you need?

It was always sarcasm. At least I thought it was. I think she knew after I went with her a year or so ago that yoga was not for me. If that was a deal breaker, which I’m sure it wasn’t, then so be it 

[trident_2020]

There was nothing at all sarcastic in the way you explained she asked you in your post above. You don't even know if it was sarcasm and you have no clue if she knew that it wasn't for you despite her constantly asking you to go with her. That alone wasn't the dealbreaker, the lack of communication and  understanding certainly was.

 

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

These are the sorts of compromises you need to make to keep a relationship healthy and happy. She repeatedly asked you to go to yoga with her, clearly it was important to her. What would sitting there on a mat and stretching for an hour cost you? Yet you're "not a yoga person" so you blew off her request.

That's one of many reasons she finally pulled the plug. Relationships are work, you can't make it all about what you want and expect it to go on indefinitely.

This makes me uncomfortable. How different is it from an agnostic woman dating an atheist man and expecting him to attend church with her after she converts to Christianity (or whatever)? Yes, relationships require compromise. But certain kinds of compromise are unfair, even unethical, to demand of one's partner.

(And yoga is much more than just sitting on a mat and stretching, or at least it is in the country of it's origin.)

[tart6245]

2 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

There was nothing at all sarcastic in the way you explained she asked you in your post above. You don't even know if it was sarcasm and you have no clue if she knew that it wasn't for you despite her constantly asking you to go with her. That alone wasn't the dealbreaker, the lack of communication and  understanding certainly was.

 

Communication certainly was. I won’t argue with you there. The way she’d ask me always seemed to be in jest because she knew how much I struggled in the class. I wanted to go with her but unfortunately my body doesn’t move that way