GF moved out out of nowhere - totally devastated

[LivingWaterPlease]

2 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

 

I know she was unhappy with her job, complained about her friends, etc. But I always thought she was happy and would work with me through thick and thin. 

She really has a lot of work to do before she's ready for a R. She probably has no idea why she's so unhappy but I wouldn't want to date someone who is that unhappy with their life circumstances.  Complaining about her job, her friends? She really needs to get herself together before being in a R.

She's younger than you and it sounds to me as if she's searching for meaning in life. She has a lot of growing up and getting healthy to do!

I'm so sorry but the more you write the more it seems to me you are so fortunate to be away from her. You're probably not ready to even think about a new relationship but let me just say that whenever it occurs and whomever it's with I bet it will be much better than this one. But, still, you have to heal and get over your feelings for her, I know!

[tart6245]

7 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

She really has a lot of work to do before she's ready for a R. She probably has no idea why she's so unhappy but I wouldn't want to date someone who is that unhappy with their life circumstances.  Complaining about her job, her friends? She really needs to get herself together before being in a R.

She's younger than you and it sounds to me as if she's searching for meaning in life. She has a lot of growing up and getting healthy to do!

I'm so sorry but the more you write the more it seems to me you are so fortunate to be away from her. You're probably not ready to even think about a new relationship but let me just say that whenever it occurs and whomever it's with I bet it will be much better than this one. But, still, you have to heal and get over your feelings for her, I know!

Maybe someday I will feel fortunate I dodged her, but I don't feel that way right now. It's just so bizarre how much of a front she put up over the last 2 weeks of our relationship knowing that she was going to be leaving me. I just don't understand and probably won't for a long time. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

2 hours ago, tarheelian said:

Maybe someday I will feel fortunate I dodged her, but I don't feel that way right now. It's just so bizarre how much of a front she put up over the last 2 weeks of our relationship knowing that she was going to be leaving me. I just don't understand and probably won't for a long time. 

It's totally understandable why you'd feel that way, tar.  And you're right. It's bizarre that she was all in then so suddenly "all out!" She hasn't learned to be transparent. She probably doesn't even understand herself and is just confused. But, you're better off not to be part of her confusion. Because if you're with her, you would be, too. She's got to get herself straightened out to be able to communicate honestly before she's even average relationship material, IMO.

[tart6245]

10 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

It's totally understandable why you'd feel that way, tar.  And you're right. It's bizarre that she was all in then so suddenly "all out!" She hasn't learned to be transparent. She probably doesn't even understand herself and is just confused. But, you're better off not to be part of her confusion. Because if you're with her, you would be, too. She's got to get herself straightened out to be able to communicate honestly before she's even average relationship material, IMO.

I'd certainly still feel confused if we did somehow reconcile. And I would have a lot of issues trusting anything she said or did again after the things she's done to me. This was a side of her I didn't think existed and it's very disappointing to know it does. Even if she told me the trust that she just decided to leave the night before, she was laying the groundwork weeks before. For example, she hasn't received any mail since she left, which has to mean she already had changed her address long before she moved out. She also didn't want to celebrate Christmas nor help me put up a Christmas tree which I thought was odd. She just said she hated Christmas and hated decorating, which was different than the last two years. 

[tart6245]

I am really fighting the urge not to reach out to her in the next few weeks to tell her what I am doing to address my snoring and letting her know that despite my actions, she is loved and I did want a future with her and not just perpetual dating. 

My head of course tells me this will either be ignored or she will shoot me down, but my heart tells me there is a chance she is willing to listen and right now is too shy to reach out to me. Perhaps I need her to shoot me down once and for all to truly give up hope and move on. 

I am feeling better today than I did two weeks ago, but I still have a long way to go. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, tarheelian said:

Even if she told me the trust that she just decided to leave the night before, she was laying the groundwork weeks before. For example, she hasn't received any mail since she left, which has to mean she already had changed her address long before she moved out. She also didn't want to celebrate Christmas nor help me put up a Christmas tree which I thought was odd. She just said she hated Christmas and hated decorating, which was different than the last two years. 

That's because she knew she was going to break up with you and didn't want to engage in holiday merriment. You're right that she'd been laying the groundwork for this, both emotionally (for herself) and logistically. 

[Cookiesandough]

21 hours ago, tarheelian said:

If so, I wish she had not dragged my family along for weeks and having them invest time and energy into her. I last saw her family about a month before she left, so at the very least, I don't think she was seriously considering anything before then.

It also doesn't help that she struggles with self-esteem and would say things like "I know I annoy you / I know you think I'm gross / I know I burden you." None of those things were ever true, and I'd tell her that, but it was things she'd say nonetheless. I really just think she started to believe I didn't love her and made moves to leave thinking I'd never dump her otherwise. 

I wish there was something I could do to tell her none of that was true. The side of me that thinks I should reach out tells myself my silence / lack of emotion when she left has only confirmed her belief that I didn't want to be with her. 

I’m sorry. I’m sure she does though. I regret doing that to my ex’s family. I was really good with his parents and it hurt them just as much. 
 

People aren’t perfect. It’s easy for us to say they should have just broken up. But it’s a difficult thing to do. It’s a difficult decision to make, especially when the other person didn’t do anything terribly wrong. It can be hard to be sure and stuff can get dragged out. Again, I’m sorry. 
 

I know it can be hard to understand. I don’t even know if understanding or empathy would help you at this point. Just for the future, the bolded things are 🚩  red flags. I’ve said the same things before. It’s often said when a person wants out and feels guilty. It’s a variation of “it’s me, not you” but instead of using it as a break up excuse, you kind of just throw the thoughts out there to them. “You deserve better” “ I’m not good enough for you” 

Edited January 5, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[tart6245]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's because she knew she was going to break up with you and didn't want to engage in holiday merriment. You're right that she'd been laying the groundwork for this, both emotionally (for herself) and logistically. 

Right, looking back on it now, it was obvious something was going on. But at the time, I had no idea she was laying the groundwork to leave. The most obvious signs were her telling me she was having some packages sent to her parents so she didn't have to keep asking me to retrieve them for her every day and refusing to help me put up a Christmas tree. I failed to inquire further as to why she felt the way she did, but I'm sure even if I did, she'd lie to me, just like she lied when I asked her if she had checked out 2 weeks before she left and she told me she was 100% in. Maybe she was struggling with the decision, but it was definitely on her mind.

[tart6245]

3 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I’m sorry. I’m sure she does though. I regret doing that to my ex’s family. I was really good with his parents and it hurt them just as much. 
 

People aren’t perfect. It’s easy for us to say they should have just broken up. But it’s a difficult thing to do. It’s a difficult decision to make, especially when the other person didn’t do anything terribly wrong. It can be hard to be sure and stuff can get dragged out. Again, I’m sorry. 
 

I know it can be hard to understand. I don’t even know if understanding or empathy would help you at this point. Just for the future, the bolded things are 🚩  red flags. I’ve said the same things before. It’s often said when a person wants out and feels guilty. It’s a variation of “it’s me, not you” but instead of using it as a break up excuse, you kind of just throw the thoughts out there to them. “You deserve better” “ I’m not good enough for you” 

She never said she wasn't good enough for me. I think I said to her once I was so lucky she was with me and didn't know how I deserved her. But those bolded things were things she said long before she left. I think the turning point just came in early December when I did express I was frustrated with things . I had grown tired of her disinterest in doing social activities and her increasing obsession with working out. I felt like she didn't care to do anything with me but sit at home. She asked me after one conversation if she should look for her own place, and I told her no, I did not want to breakup with her, but I think at that point, she felt I was inevitably going to leave her and she began to think about leaving. I think she realized I was not close to asking her to marry me and decided it was time.

So now, here I am wanting to reach out and tell her I do want all of these things with her in life, and that I am sorry for giving off the impression that I didn't want her, and that I want to work through issues if she is willing. Problem is, I fear it's too little too late. 

[Cookiesandough]

43 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

She never said she wasn't good enough for me. I think I said to her once I was so lucky she was with me and didn't know how I deserved her. But those bolded things were things she said long before she left. I think the turning point just came in early December when I did express I was frustrated with things . I had grown tired of her disinterest in doing social activities and her increasing obsession with working out. I felt like she didn't care to do anything with me but sit at home. She asked me after one conversation if she should look for her own place, and I told her no, I did not want to breakup with her, but I think at that point, she felt I was inevitably going to leave her and she began to think about leaving. I think she realized I was not close to asking her to marry me and decided it was time.

So now, here I am wanting to reach out and tell her I do want all of these things with her in life, and that I am sorry for giving off the impression that I didn't want her, and that I want to work through issues if she is willing. Problem is, I fear it's too little too late. 

I’m so lucky I’m with you is vastly different than those things she said. Those are definite red flag comments and to me signal she had doubts early on.  You can choose to ignore/sign off on red flag things like that... but do so at your own risk. 

 

It sounds like she had doubts for a long time but didn’t want to be the one to end it. Of course it is much easier at first. You can avoid the problems a lot and push it to the side. But patients where is thin. When you were patient started to wear out, it was the beginning of the end.The way she acted  seems characteristic of people who are trying to avoid conflict but aren’t that into the relationship... they often drag out the relationship for way too long. 

 

Of course you want to say all that stuff. You still  care for her. She just doesn’t feel the same way about you so saying that stuff will not accomplish anything you are looking for it to accomplish. Perhaps you have to find out for yourself though. I would always advise to make your own mistakes/learn by your own actions or you will constantly be wondering what if.Perhaps you have to find out for yourself though. I would always advise to make your own mistakes/learn by your own actions or you will constantly be wondering what if.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, tarheelian said:

Problem is, I fear it's too little too late. 

That fear is valid and you would be correct. 

From reading your posts, it's clear at least to me you took her for granted.  You were frustrated and perhaps bored.  She picked up on it, and it caused her to shut down emotionally and she left.  

Now that she's gone, you're reflecting back and understand where you went wrong.  

But were you really wrong?  I don't know because these were your feelings at the time.  So they're valid.

Jmo but this is done.  Try to accept and begin healing and moving on.

Use this as a learning experience.  Next time you're in a relationship, learn to appreciate and value your girlfriend while IN the relationship, not after she leaves.

I'm not judging, this happens all the time.  It's quite sad when it does, because you are so right - too little, too late.  

I'm sorry. 

Edited January 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[Cookiesandough]

Patience* sorry. Using voice to text 

[tart6245]

10 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I’m so lucky I’m with you is vastly different than those things she said. Those are definite red flag comments and to me signal she had doubts early on.  You can choose to ignore/sign off on red flag things like that... but do so at your own risk. 

 

It sounds like she had doubts for a long time but didn’t want to be the one to end it. Of course it is much easier at first. You can avoid the problems a lot and push it to the side. But patients where is thin. When you were patient started to wear out, it was the beginning of the end.The way she acted  seems characteristic of people who are trying to avoid conflict but aren’t that into the relationship... they often drag out the relationship for way too long. 

 

Of course you want to say all that stuff. You still  care for her. She just doesn’t feel the same way about you so saying that stuff will not accomplish anything you are looking for it to accomplish. Perhaps you have to find out for yourself though. I would always advise to make your own mistakes/learn by your own actions or you will constantly be wondering what if.Perhaps you have to find out for yourself though. I would always advise to make your own mistakes/learn by your own actions or you will constantly be wondering what if.

She would say I was out of her league at points of our relationship and her parents said early on she was lucky to have me. My only concern, which did plague me, was I was so different than her first boyfriend - probably polar opposites, and the activities she did with him were night and day from what she did with me. My friends said that was a problem in that it meant she didn't have a type or much of an identity. She would tell me she liked me because I was so different than her first relationship. Perhaps I should have accepted it. 

I don't know what the beginning of the end was. I still think early December, but maybe she began thinking about it even earlier. She met my family in September and I was doing my best to integrate her into it just as we both wanted, and I really thought our foundation was even stronger than it had ever been. 

Perhaps I do need to learn for myself and avoid wondering what if by reaching out. Maybe she will respond even if to tell me there is no chance she'd ever want to come back and to leave her alone. Initially she did not tell me to not contact her. She only said don't send me paragraphs of things during the work day. I still have no idea if she blocked my number. If she has, I guess there is no way to contact her and I have my answer of a what if. 

[tart6245]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

That fear is valid and you would be correct. 

From reading your posts, it's clear at least to me you took her for granted.  You were frustrated and perhaps bored.  She picked up on it, and it caused her to shut down emotionally and she left.  

Now that she's gone, you're reflecting back and understand where you went wrong.  

But were you really wrong?  I don't know because these were your feelings at the time.  So they're valid.

Jmo but this is done.  Try to accept and begin healing and moving on.

Use this as a learning experience.  Next time you're in a relationship, learn to appreciate your girlfriend while IN the relationship, not after she leaves.

I'm not judging, this happens all the time.  It's quite sad when it does, because you are so right - too little, too late.  

I'm sorry. 

You could be right. Obviously, 2020 was a very difficult year in general, and I did miss social gatherings, parties, and events we used to go to. Because she is naturally introverted, she was ok and even embraced that and was happy. I, on the other hand, grew bored. I looked to her to spend time with and do something aside from sitting at home, and it just felt like she was uninterested. I don't know if it was me or she really just did not care to do many social things anymore. 

I did take her for granted. I know I did. I let things I really could not control take over my fears and probably pushed her away. She determined things were not progressing as she liked, and felt there was no choice but to leave. Whether it is to force my hand to make the adjustments she wanted, I don't know. Maybe I need to get burned before I will know for sure that there is nothing left to talk about and no future. If I plan to make contact, it will be within a month of our split. I am aware the odds are stacked against me, but I just keep thinking there is a part of her that misses me and believes we could give this another shot if we listen to each other and work through problems. 

[tart6245]

I am getting to the point where I am moving from only thinking about what I did wrong to thinking about what we did wrong as a couple. I now remember the times my ex was unwilling to compromise or made me feel inadequate or like crap. When I would tell her how I felt, she would disregard my feelings. I know I was not the world's most perfect boyfriend, but she was not the perfect girlfriend.

Does that mean I don't love her and I don't miss her anymore - no, I still do. But two and a half weeks out of the relationship starts to allow you to look at things from a more rational perspective. These were issues we could have worked through as a couple, absolutely, but whatever the reason, be it her immaturity, her age, or whatever, she was not interested in working through difficult times or having difficult conversations. She seemed to only be interested in a relationship when everything was perfect and fun. I say this knowing she did mention issues in passing, but never was honest with me about how serious they were likely out of her fear of confrontation. She wanted marriage and then a family, but she seemed to not understand the level of commitment/compromise that comes with that. You don't just pack up and leave when one or two things go wrong and you don't communicate and push to work through them. 

The longer I go, the more I doubt whether reaching out to her is a good idea. I told myself I would give it another week. Perhaps by late next week, I won't have any interest at all. We'll see. 

Edited January 7, 2021 by tarheelian

[Ruby Slippers]

Just because you love someone and they love you, that doesn't mean you work as a couple. You can still value the time and memories you had together. 

[Cookiesandough]

i’m glad you have decided against doing that. I doubt that it would do anything good. She checked out of the relationship long before so she didn’t see anything to work on. I’m sorry. It may go back-and-forth, but overall it will get easier as time goes on. 

[tart6245]

9 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

i’m glad you have decided against doing that. I doubt that it would do anything good. She checked out of the relationship long before so she didn’t see anything to work on. I’m sorry. It may go back-and-forth, but overall it will get easier as time goes on. 

I have not totally decided against it, but as days go by, that urge gets less and less. And you're right, I am sure she checked out long before she actually left, and perhaps the night I told her I felt she had checked out, she just lied to me to keep the peace. I don't know. I may never know. But I don't buy she made her decision to leave 18 hours before she packed up. 

Regardless of what happens with she and me in the future, I will address my snoring and other complaints she had which will make me better person for the next relationship. 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Just because you love someone and they love you, that doesn't mean you work as a couple. You can still value the time and memories you had together. 

Exactly. Cherish the memories.  There will probably always be a part of you that will love her, I don't think that ever goes away, not all the way.  Not when we've truly loved.   But eventually you heal, and are able to open your heart to another.

Edited January 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

Tarheelian: You have to wait it out at least 6 weeks and maybe more. I'm starting to feel better and it's been 1 month no contact for me. The first month was like a trip down to hell, it's how it is. When we're with the person we love we have a big flow of love and feel good hormones in our brain and once they're gone we experience a sudden drop and it feels like a horrible withdrawal. Time is the only cure. If you get back in touch with her you will only experience a set back and you'll be looking at another 2-3 weeks of inner battle. What ever she has to say will not help you to move on. It could actually make you feel much worse. Imagine she tells you she checked out of  your relationship a year ago! You want to hear that? No you don't. It's better you let her be and maybe she'll get back in touch on her own, then she'll be open to talk. 

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Tarheelian: You have to wait it out at least 6 weeks and maybe more. I'm starting to feel better and it's been 1 month no contact for me. The first month was like a trip down to hell, it's how it is. When we're with the person we love we have a big flow of love and feel good hormones in our brain and once they're gone we experience a sudden drop and it feels like a horrible withdrawal. Time is the only cure. If you get back in touch with her you will only experience a set back and you'll be looking at another 2-3 weeks of inner battle. What ever she has to say will not help you to move on. It could actually make you feel much worse. Imagine she tells you she checked out of  your relationship a year ago! You want to hear that? No you don't. It's better you let her be and maybe she'll get back in touch on her own, then she'll be open to talk. 

I am glad to hear you're starting to feel better Gaeta!  Stay the course.  You too Tarheelian.

Time heals and I speak from experience when saying that.

[tart6245]

39 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Tarheelian: You have to wait it out at least 6 weeks and maybe more. I'm starting to feel better and it's been 1 month no contact for me. The first month was like a trip down to hell, it's how it is. When we're with the person we love we have a big flow of love and feel good hormones in our brain and once they're gone we experience a sudden drop and it feels like a horrible withdrawal. Time is the only cure. If you get back in touch with her you will only experience a set back and you'll be looking at another 2-3 weeks of inner battle. What ever she has to say will not help you to move on. It could actually make you feel much worse. Imagine she tells you she checked out of  your relationship a year ago! You want to hear that? No you don't. It's better you let her be and maybe she'll get back in touch on her own, then she'll be open to talk. 

I know the risks of trying to talk to her - and you're right, there is about a 33% chance she responds positively and a 66% chance she responds negatively or not at all. And if she does react negatively or not at all, yes, it will hurt. I don't think she checked out a year ago. After all, she moved in with me 6 months ago and met my family 3 months ago. I don't think she goes through either of those things if she was checked out. That was part of her reason for leaving before Christmas - so she wouldn't spend the holidays and then leave. Sometimes I think I'd feel better if I knew she left me for someone else. At least the part of me that thinks we can reconcile and ultimately get back together would die along with that. But I don't think there is anyone else. I think I pushed her away. I dragged my feet on issues important to her, and I aired out frustrations that made it seem like I was frustrated and unhappy. And I did do that.

Looking back on our lives a year ago, they were so different. I don't want to blame Covid for our downfall, but it did change us completely, and it did not help she and I never saw eye to eye on how to tackle it together. Perhaps that just sped up our eventual downfall since we seemed unable to work together through a difficult time. I bent more for her to accommodate her lax treatment of the pandemic in this regard than she ever did for me. 

I don't know what I'll do in the end. I may never contact her and wait to see if she ever breaks her silence while healing myself and trying to move on.

[maggiemtn]

Try not to contact her. I had to send an email to my ex the other day about a financial matter and he responded today and it made me feel terrible. It wasn’t anything he said, but just having to see his name and read a short sentence sucked. 
 

Your relationship dynamic rings a bell in that you sound like you got bored or checked out at some point, and so did your ex because of the differences in your lifestyles. Same happened to me and my ex. It really does help to write down all your differences and things you didn’t like or times you weren’t truly happy. Look at the list when you feel the urge to contact your ex. Over time, the things you’ve identified become more obvious to you instead of being taken over by emotions. 

[Acacia98]

20 hours ago, tarheelian said:

I am getting to the point where I am moving from only thinking about what I did wrong to thinking about what we did wrong as a couple.

I'm glad. You're moving in the right direction.

[tart6245]

7 hours ago, maggiemtn said:

Try not to contact her. I had to send an email to my ex the other day about a financial matter and he responded today and it made me feel terrible. It wasn’t anything he said, but just having to see his name and read a short sentence sucked. 
 

Your relationship dynamic rings a bell in that you sound like you got bored or checked out at some point, and so did your ex because of the differences in your lifestyles. Same happened to me and my ex. It really does help to write down all your differences and things you didn’t like or times you weren’t truly happy. Look at the list when you feel the urge to contact your ex. Over time, the things you’ve identified become more obvious to you instead of being taken over by emotions. 

I am doing my best to not contact her. We're 2.5 weeks into this and I've held strong so far. I did get bored, but I think it was more to do with the state of the world rather than her specifically. It was frustrating that she seemed to sink further into her introverted self as a result of her being isolated all day away from people. I know that contributed to it. It also was upsetting she told me I could not use the pandemic to excuse any changes or issues when it consumed most everyone's life since March. I really believe had Covid never happened, she and I would still be together.