GF moved out out of nowhere - totally devastated

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, tarheelian said:

. I really believe had Covid never happened, she and I would still be together. 

 

...and something else would have broken you up. 

[tart6245]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

...and something else would have broken you up. 

Perhaps you're right, but at this point we can all only speculate. 

[tart6245]

I still can't shake my feeling that this was a lot of my own doing. Had I not complained so often or made her feel like I was unhappy, she would not have left. A friend of mine suggested she pre-empted me by leaving because she felt I was going to breakup with her eventually and an engagement was nowhere near where she wanted it. She did ask me about 2 weeks before she left if she should look for her own place, and that I just seemed unhappy and frustrated, so she already had that feeling I am sure. 

Does that mean my silence now is a sign confirming to her that I really was ready to leave her? I don't know. She seemed to think I would be reaching out at some point when she asked me not to contact her during work hours. I do understand if she also forced herself to emotionally detach from me, it would be harder for me to get her to work with me to get back together. 

[Ruby Slippers]

Don't bother to contact her unless you have concrete ideas for resolving your differences. I don't think it would hurt to try. My ex tried several times to open the door, but he didn't apologize for anything and didn't offer any ideas on how to improve things, so I saw no point and didn't even answer. She may need more time apart - or she not be interested, and if not, at least you'll know.

[tart6245]

48 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Don't bother to contact her unless you have concrete ideas for resolving your differences. I don't think it would hurt to try. My ex tried several times to open the door, but he didn't apologize for anything and didn't offer any ideas on how to improve things, so I saw no point and didn't even answer. She may need more time apart - or she not be interested, and if not, at least you'll know.

Right. I am still undecided on what to do, but I don't plan to even consider the idea of reaching out for at least another week or so. I've already thought of concrete plans on tackling the differences we have and would not bother to contact her just to rehash old things. 2 weeks out, I am understanding both of our faults and am not putting her on a pedestal as I was earlier. The worst case of trying to contact her is she just ignores me or tells me flat out she wants no future. At least I'll know then that there is no chance at saving anything. 

[Highndry]

It's up to the dumper to reach out. The only thing reaching out to her will accomplish is making you look like a weak fool. Spend the time bettering yourself and find a woman who doesn't throw you away without so much as a conversation. This girl is immature and not even worth it.

[Upsetdan]

So to read this, I have just been “dumped” 4 days ago myself. My situation slightly different as we have 5 kids....

 

im Afraid, she has blocked you and your friends because she will be posting things online that she does not want you or anyone who can report back to you to see. 
 

don’t contact. Stay strong. 

[trident_2020]

8 minutes ago, Upsetdan said:

im Afraid, she has blocked you and your friends because she will be posting things online that she does not want you or anyone who can report back to you to see.

Doubt it.

[tart6245]

On 1/9/2021 at 11:45 AM, Upsetdan said:

So to read this, I have just been “dumped” 4 days ago myself. My situation slightly different as we have 5 kids....

 

im Afraid, she has blocked you and your friends because she will be posting things online that she does not want you or anyone who can report back to you to see. 
 

don’t contact. Stay strong. 

She didn't take down photos of us. I believe she blocked all of us so she would not be reminded of me or my friends or see photos us doing things together. The whole reason behind this breakup is still very much a mystery to me. I'm more and more convinced it was my own doing by pushing her away more than something she really wanted to do. I think she felt she had no other choice but to leave because I was going to breakup with her eventually. 

[tart6245]

It's now about 3 weeks since the breakup. I am feeling better than I did 3 weeks ago, but I still feel loss, confusion and hurt. I still am so confused as to how she could act so normal knowing she was about to leave me. And I'm still disappointed in myself for pushing her away and voicing frustration during the fall. And not addressing my snoring issues sooner like I am doing now. 

I also recognize that she had her faults too. She did not compromise with me on many things. She did not really work as a team when she and I moved in together. She very much kept things separate and changed little about her lifestyle. She did not clearly communicate serious problems with me. There were times where I did not feel we were together as one but were still living two separate lives. She did not allow me to spend much time with her friends and family. Perhaps she doesn't know how to do those things - I don't know. Given this was her first real adult relationship and not one in college, it's entirely possible she just had no idea what a relationship where two people live together looks like. And she did not have friends/siblings that were in relationships like that where she could observe and see how they lived. 

Despite all of that, I continue to think about reaching out to her and letting her know I hear her when she tells me her issues with me and that I am addressing those now to better myself. And that she is loved and I wanted all out of life with her that she wanted with me. 

However, I keep resisting trying to reach out firstly because I don't think 3 weeks is long enough to be apart and second, because I know the odds of that working as intended are low. 

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

Despite all of that, I continue to think about reaching out to her and letting her know I hear her when she tells me her issues with me and that I am addressing those now to better myself. And that she is loved and I wanted all out of life with her that she wanted with me. 

However, I keep resisting trying to reach out firstly because I don't think 3 weeks is long enough to be apart and second, because I know the odds of that working as intended are low. 

Reaching out will only push her further away. While you are going through your mourning process she is also going through hers. Not contacting her is you best options here and at least for 6 weeks. She's not going to get married to someone else in those 6 weeks. If there is any feelings left in her she will start missing you and start having some 'what ifs'. 

[tart6245]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Reaching out will only push her further away. While you are going through your mourning process she is also going through hers. Not contacting her is you best options here and at least for 6 weeks. She's not going to get married to someone else in those 6 weeks. If there is any feelings left in her she will start missing you and start having some 'what ifs'. 

I understand that and am being honest with myself when I do feel the urge that doing so now will only hurt things. 3 weeks isn't enough time to process anything properly or really change anything. While I am feeling a bit better, things are still fresh and things still feel so strange. 

[tart6245]

I feel pretty sad today for whatever reason. I felt like I was making progress last week, but today I just feel empty. I've been doing all the right things - spending lots of time with friends and keeping busy nearly every night, but I can't shake this devastating fact that I self-destructed and ruined the relationship. I keep fighting the urge to contact her every day, and so far I have held strong. 

This is just so tough and a lot, not all, of its failure was my own doing. I hate that I did things that surely pushed her away and made her feel like I didn't love her or want to move things forward. 

But things weren't perfect, and if she loved me like she claimed she did, she would have stuck around and at least attempted to talk to me about the way she was feeling and how to fix it instead of packing up and leaving out of the blue. 

[FMW]

Just remember that how you're feeling today isn't how you are going to always feel.  You may bounce back and forth for a while between feeling really sad and lost and then feeling ok and looking forward.  You're very early on in dealing with this.  It's just going to take a while.  It takes time to work through things in your head and come to some level of acceptance and peace with it.  It sucks, but there is no way over it other than going through it.  

[tart6245]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

Just remember that how you're feeling today isn't how you are going to always feel.  You may bounce back and forth for a while between feeling really sad and lost and then feeling ok and looking forward.  You're very early on in dealing with this.  It's just going to take a while.  It takes time to work through things in your head and come to some level of acceptance and peace with it.  It sucks, but there is no way over it other than going through it.  

Yes, I know. This just seems like the worst I've felt in a while for whatever reason. It's still only been 4 weeks out of a 2.5 year relationship, so I know this will be a process. It's just so hard and a battle every day to keep moving forward and not relapse to try to talk to her and holding on to hope that she misses me and is regretting doing what she did. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

Chalk it up to just having a bad day, if you can. Days vary for all of us and significantly for some. This too shall pass...you've done great not to contact her.

[tart6245]

3 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Chalk it up to just having a bad day, if you can. Days vary for all of us and significantly for some. This too shall pass...you've done great not to contact her.

Yes, it's just very difficult. Today may have been the worst day since she left. I don't know why. Perhaps i am just working through the stages of grief. I still can't believe she's gone. It happened so fast. I wish I could talk to her

[LivingWaterPlease]

6 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

Yes, it's just very difficult. Today may have been the worst day since she left. I don't know why. Perhaps i am just working through the stages of grief. I still can't believe she's gone. It happened so fast. I wish I could talk to her

I'm so sorry, Tar.  Today may have been the worst day but you've gotten through it. Who knows why some days are worse than others? In the long run it seems to me you're going to be happier with someone you're more compatible with. 

Trying to recall if you have family close by. Or close friends you can spend time with?

[tart6245]

24 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

I'm so sorry, Tar.  Today may have been the worst day but you've gotten through it. Who knows why some days are worse than others? In the long run it seems to me you're going to be happier with someone you're more compatible with. 

Trying to recall if you have family close by. Or close friends you can spend time with?

I've spent most nights around friends since she left. Tonight may be the 2nd or 3rd night I have been alone. Maybe that's why today has been difficult.

I try to think back to some of the bad times that happened and to the days when I did feel like she wasn't happy and other activities had taken priority over our relationship. And that did happen, which I think drove my frustrations. Her obsession with fitness really did change our dynamic and our lives began revolving around her class schedule. She stopped making us a priority and instead we had to make her classes a priority. She refused to even sacrifice one day  

Perhaps she intends to simply exercise constantly and be alone now. I try not to reflect back to how things were in late 2019, but sometimes I do, and I miss those days. I just wish we could work things out  

 

 

Edited January 20, 2021 by tarheelian

[S2B]

On 1/5/2021 at 8:03 AM, tarheelian said:

She never said she wasn't good enough for me. I think I said to her once I was so lucky she was with me and didn't know how I deserved her. But those bolded things were things she said long before she left. I think the turning point just came in early December when I did express I was frustrated with things . I had grown tired of her disinterest in doing social activities and her increasing obsession with working out. I felt like she didn't care to do anything with me but sit at home. She asked me after one conversation if she should look for her own place, and I told her no, I did not want to breakup with her, but I think at that point, she felt I was inevitably going to leave her and she began to think about leaving. I think she realized I was not close to asking her to marry me and decided it was time.

So now, here I am wanting to reach out and tell her I do want all of these things with her in life, and that I am sorry for giving off the impression that I didn't want her, and that I want to work through issues if she is willing. Problem is, I fear it's too little too late. 

Or maybe she was just young and immature. 

no, do not contact her - you promised you wouldn’t.

let me ask - how much of your rent did she pay while she was there?

Edited January 20, 2021 by S2B

[lovesflame]

23 hours ago, tart6245 said:

I've spent most nights around friends since she left. Tonight may be the 2nd or 3rd night I have been alone. Maybe that's why today has been difficult.

I try to think back to some of the bad times that happened and to the days when I did feel like she wasn't happy and other activities had taken priority over our relationship. And that did happen, which I think drove my frustrations. Her obsession with fitness really did change our dynamic and our lives began revolving around her class schedule. She stopped making us a priority and instead we had to make her classes a priority. She refused to even sacrifice one day  

Perhaps she intends to simply exercise constantly and be alone now. I try not to reflect back to how things were in late 2019, but sometimes I do, and I miss those days. I just wish we could work things out  

 

 

I read through most of your threats .

first my heart goes out to you I can sense your pain and confusion and anxiety and shock . It’s truly terrible I know.

 I would say my ex was the same age and did the same things moving abruptly .

all I can say is that please don’t blame yourself too much and if you feel bad or super sad some days of course that’s ok and normal and valid!

Next thing is my ex kept contacting me sending me present even said she would reevaluate after 30 days (you could read my thread sorry) and that didn’t help at all.

 I know you’re thinking what did I do wrong ? 
and if I could just talk to her now and say this and that we will reunite ?

 I believed that all too. But sometimes people make these choices for themselves.

 I’m not saying she didn’t love you she probably still does she is a person who loves you but she made some choice that herself was more important than the relationship. I know you would forgive her and try again yet that’s out of your control for now .

 I am truly sorry and I’m here if you need to talk .

 I know the pain is immense but look covid ruined so many couples please just try to forgive and love yourself and her .

ine day we will accept and heal from this pain .

 I don’t know when but we will

[tart6245]

15 hours ago, lovesflame said:

I read through most of your threats .

first my heart goes out to you I can sense your pain and confusion and anxiety and shock . It’s truly terrible I know.

 I would say my ex was the same age and did the same things moving abruptly .

all I can say is that please don’t blame yourself too much and if you feel bad or super sad some days of course that’s ok and normal and valid!

Next thing is my ex kept contacting me sending me present even said she would reevaluate after 30 days (you could read my thread sorry) and that didn’t help at all.

 I know you’re thinking what did I do wrong ? 
and if I could just talk to her now and say this and that we will reunite ?

 I believed that all too. But sometimes people make these choices for themselves.

 I’m not saying she didn’t love you she probably still does she is a person who loves you but she made some choice that herself was more important than the relationship. I know you would forgive her and try again yet that’s out of your control for now .

 I am truly sorry and I’m here if you need to talk .

 I know the pain is immense but look covid ruined so many couples please just try to forgive and love yourself and her .

ine day we will accept and heal from this pain .

 I don’t know when but we will

I know I had my faults in the relationship. I am not perfect. No one is. I think the thing that hurts most is she never made an effort to really confront me on how she was feeling in a serious manner and never let me know how severe it was. Whenever I'd question how she was, she'd always tell me she was happy and content with what we were doing and she'd get upset when I'd say anything to question if she was truly happy (I know I did that too much). The only time I knew she was unhappy was the day she packed up and left. Why she chose to keep telling me she was happy and asking me to stop worrying before she left is beyond my understanding. That was two weeks before she left and she had to be planning to leave as she said that. 

It really wasn't fair, but I know life isn't fair. I don't know what she thinks or feels about me now. I'm not angry at her. I am just hurt and confused as to how we got to this position and got to it so quickly. 

Edited January 21, 2021 by tart6245

[Gaeta]

You have to stop blaming yourself, the reason she was able to leave and not look back is because she had already let go of the relationship and probably earlier then you think. Yes she said not long before leaving she wanted the relationship but those are things people say at the end to not create drama or to calm down a situation. 

The next thing you need to do is to view this relationship for what it really was, and see her for who she really was and stop excusing or idealizing them. 

A woman that is not honest and transparent with you, a woman that lets her family influence her in relationship decision is not a good partner material.

You have more pride than this. Imagine she gets back with you, her family will continue influencing her and her father will continue telling her you're not the right man for her. Is that the dynamic you want? Your every move will be analyzed and critisized , all of your life.

 

[Marc878]

Let her go. That’s the only way to free yourself. Complete no contact and purge your place of anything she left behind.

[tart6245]

23 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You have to stop blaming yourself, the reason she was able to leave and not look back is because she had already let go of the relationship and probably earlier then you think. Yes she said not long before leaving she wanted the relationship but those are things people say at the end to not create drama or to calm down a situation. 

The next thing you need to do is to view this relationship for what it really was, and see her for who she really was and stop excusing or idealizing them. 

A woman that is not honest and transparent with you, a woman that lets her family influence her in relationship decision is not a good partner material.

You have more pride than this. Imagine she gets back with you, her family will continue influencing her and her father will continue telling her you're not the right man for her. Is that the dynamic you want? Your every move will be analyzed and critisized , all of your life.

 

I don't know how much influence her family had aside from what her father said before she moved in which I still thought was unfair for him to say that. Regardless, she moved in anyway and I thought it was going well. 

I am trying to view her as she is and not the image I have of her in my head. She hurt me. She lied to me for likely weeks as she planned her move out and dragged me and my family along in the process. Why, I don't know. I thought she was better than that. All anyone in my life can say is how disappointed they are in her and the way she went about all of this. I know the breakup was not all my fault. Yes, I could have been better, but it takes two people for a relationship to fail. I am not pretending she was perfect. 

I just blindly trusted her and she took advantage of that trust in the end knowing she could plan to leave and I would believe every word she told me. I just wish she had been more transparent. I guess that's just not who she is. 

And yes, if we did get back together, I would always worry she would do it again to me. During the relationship, I would have to pull information out of her when she was upset because she was too shy to bring it up on her own. I would have to force her to talk because I knew she was upset over something. Usually, we'd work things out, but this time, she was unwilling to say anything and just left. Perhaps because this time, we were living together, and she was afraid to say anything for fear it would cause tension and we could not go to our own places for space. 

Edited January 21, 2021 by tart6245