GF moved out out of nowhere - totally devastated

[tart6245]

26 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

Tart I feel your pain. I had the Exact Thing happen. I asked her is something wrong she would say no I’m happy or tell me “you make up problems out of nothing” 

“we have no real problems .”

”our sex life is satisfying “

Then a week before she left I say are we good and she says yea are fine and “is it really that great .”

look blaming yourself show how much you are willing to care and try . You’re a good guy. But how do you know how her feelings changed ?

 I don’t know . I don’t even know with my own intimate partner .

 I can’t believe how similar it is ...

maybe it was stress and overwhelmed emotions . All I know is that I wanted to talk to her and I didn’t get the answers and if you talk to her I don’t blame you . But you can’t expect anything .

 I am so sorry you’re hurting trust me . It hurts so bad .

 

I don't know her feelings. It's hard because she was so bad as sharing her feelings and always difficult to read. I have not tried to talk to her and I keep going back and forth on whether I should even bother. I just don't think now is the right time even if I do in the future. I have accepted I may never know the real reason why we failed, but I know I'm a good person and overall I treated her well, catered to her needs, included her in nearly everything I did, supported her hobbies and interests, integrated her into my life, and loved her as much as I could for who she was, flaws and all. If that wasn't enough, I will find someone where that is enough. 

[lovesflame]

1 hour ago, tart6245 said:

I don't know her feelings. It's hard because she was so bad as sharing her feelings and always difficult to read. I have not tried to talk to her and I keep going back and forth on whether I should even bother. I just don't think now is the right time even if I do in the future. I have accepted I may never know the real reason why we failed, but I know I'm a good person and overall I treated her well, catered to her needs, included her in nearly everything I did, supported her hobbies and interests, integrated her into my life, and loved her as much as I could for who she was, flaws and all. If that wasn't enough, I will find someone where that is enough. 

I don’t know her only you do.

 I think you blame yourself a lot .

she wasn’t open with you ever ?

then you can’t have a good connection or strong bond without emotional openness. 
 
I had that everyday with my ex but it didn’t change you can never know what people don’t want you to know well you felt it the whole time ... am I right ?

 

if you call her to see why she left just don’t expect anything either way because maybe she doesn’t even know ...

it wouldn’t kill you to talk to her but that’s your choice  it could make you more sad 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, tart6245 said:

During the relationship, I would have to pull information out of her when she was upset because she was too shy to bring it up on her own.

This is a thought you need to deprogram as well. She was not 'too shy'. One cannot be shy and spill everything about her relationship to her parents, sibblings and god knows who else, then pack her bags and says don't fload me with messages. That's not being shy.  She was unwilling to communicate with you where she was at in this relationship, for what ever reasons or what ever blockage but it was not shyness. 

[tart6245]

23 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

I don’t know her only you do.

 I think you blame yourself a lot .

she wasn’t open with you ever ?

then you can’t have a good connection or strong bond without emotional openness. 
 
I had that everyday with my ex but it didn’t change you can never know what people don’t want you to know well you felt it the whole time ... am I right ?

 

if you call her to see why she left just don’t expect anything either way because maybe she doesn’t even know ...

it wouldn’t kill you to talk to her but that’s your choice  it could make you more sad 

There were some times she was open with me, but often I had to pry into her before she'd tell me the true issues that were wrong. She was always hesitant to have a difficult conversation. I remember months/years ago when I would sense something was off, I would ask her multiple times until she would finally tell me what was bothering her. I guess once we lived together, I noticed less because I saw her more and did not pick up on subtle changes that were unlike her. 

As for reaching out to her, that is my dilemma you described. If it went poorly, would I feel worse than I do now? I don't know. I feel much better overall than I did weeks ago, but I still am confused about how things ended and why they ended. On the flip side, if I never reach out to her, I may always wonder what if. Perhaps that's better than being rejected again. 

[tart6245]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This is a thought you need to deprogram as well. She was not 'too shy'. One cannot be shy and spill everything about her relationship to her parents, sibblings and god knows who else, then pack her bags and says don't fload me with messages. That's not being shy.  She was unwilling to communicate with you where she was at in this relationship, for what ever reasons or what ever blockage but it was not shyness. 

Yes, I don't know. All I am saying is, she would avoid having unpleasant conversations with me until I essentially forced the issue. Sometimes it would be days before she finally told me what was actually bothering her. This was not something that was new recently. It's something that went on for years for whatever reason. 

[lovesflame]

15 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

 

As for reaching out to her, that is my dilemma you described. If it went poorly, would I feel worse than I do now? I don't know. I feel much better overall than I did weeks ago, but I still am confused about how things ended and why they ended. On the flip side, if I never reach out to her, I may always wonder what if. Perhaps that's better than being rejected again. 

I mean it’s going to be bittersweet if you reach out I think.

being rejected already happened so I don’t think that can get worse .

I wonder if she will tell you really what happened .

but I know what happened same as my person their feelings were ambivalent and then made a choice to leave . No one can know exactly what was in her heart or mind but the choice was made .

honestly all I can offer is sympathy.

my ex says we could hang out this weekend and I doubt that will help me . 
I hate everyday of my life now .

 I don’t care about other women to sleep with or old friends with benefits or anything my heart is broken 

 

from your posts you seem truly heart broken... all you can is grieve I suppose .

let me know if I can help in some way .

 I won’t judge you if you call her 

nc won’t magically make you better I think only time will

[tart6245]

10 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

I mean it’s going to be bittersweet if you reach out I think.

being rejected already happened so I don’t think that can get worse .

I wonder if she will tell you really what happened .

but I know what happened same as my person their feelings were ambivalent and then made a choice to leave . No one can know exactly what was in her heart or mind but the choice was made .

honestly all I can offer is sympathy.

my ex says we could hang out this weekend and I doubt that will help me . 
I hate everyday of my life now .

 I don’t care about other women to sleep with or old friends with benefits or anything my heart is broken 

 

from your posts you seem truly heart broken... all you can is grieve I suppose .

let me know if I can help in some way .

 I won’t judge you if you call her 

nc won’t magically make you better I think only time will

I definitely will not call her. I don't even know if she blocked my number. I haven't tried to contact her. I don't know if I ever will. I have a different opinion on that every day. 

I've spent most of my free time with my friends and that has helped me a lot to be able to talk things through with them. Most are just as shocked as I am at what happened. When I initially told them what happened, they thought I was joking. That's how well she hid everything and how well she acted until the day she left. 

I am heartbroken. I have never been someone that trusts a person easily, and the fact that she knew that and used the trust I put in her against me is what is saddest thing about this. I would have much rather her tell me in advance, go stay at a friends/her parents, and then schedule a time to move her things out. Not fake everything with me for who knows how long before leaving. That was so cruel to do to someone. 

[Gaeta]

32 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

On the flip side, if I never reach out to her, I may always wonder what if. 

I am much older than you and I can confirm to you that what ever reasons she may give you, it will never be a fully satisfying answer to you. What she will say will generate other questions in your mind and you will always, always, think there had to be something else. You just have to accept 'it is what it is'. Based on what you told us about her and your relationship, I can assure you this is not the best you can do. 

Marilyn Monroe said: Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. 

[tart6245]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I am much older than you and I can confirm to you that what ever reasons she may give you, it will never be a fully satisfying answer to you. What she will say will generate other questions in your mind and you will always, always, think there had to be something else. You just have to accept 'it is what it is'. Based on what you told us about her and your relationship, I can assure you this is not the best you can do. 

Marilyn Monroe said: Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. 

You're right, I am sure. The only reason I'd want to talk would be if she had any interest in trying to work things out, but since I have not heard from her since she left, it seems pretty obvious she is not interested in that. At least not right now. I know I won't get any true reasons out of her. I've accepted I may never know what went wrong to get us to this point or what was the point where she started thinking about leaving. At this point, I keep thinking she did it preemptively thinking I was going to leave her, but she wanted to do it on her terms. 

I look back to all the frustrations I had in November/early December that I am sure made her feel unwanted to keep hearing about it. I don't know. I know I am being hard on myself right now

[tart6245]

I had a really rough night a few nights ago and suffered a breakdown where all my emotions finally came out. I should have taken up an invitation to go see a friend, but instead I chose not to. Big mistake. 

I continue to be so hard on myself and putting a good portion of the blame on me for things I did that likely drove her away. I look at subtle things she said and did the few weeks leading up to her leaving, like telling me she knew I was tired of her, telling me she hopes I wasn't settling for her, just makes me feel like she believed I wasn't happy with her and would never move forward towards an engagement or anything like that. I hate I let all of this happen. I know I lost sight of being the best I could for her in the last month. 

I wish I could fix it. I wish she'd talk to me and work on a future together. The problem is, I feel like if I do try to talk to her, I will suffer the same fate so many on here have suffered. I'll be rejected again. And I struggle to understand why she could not talk to me about her feelings and express if she was unhappy about something. Why was her first inclination to pack up and leave if she was beginning to feel unhappy with how things were? Why lie to me and pretend as if she was content and happy when she was not? Just so many things that confuse me and I have no answers for any of them.

[Gaeta]

27 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

I had a really rough night a few nights ago and suffered a breakdown where all my emotions finally came out. I should have taken up an invitation to go see a friend, but instead I chose not to. Big mistake. 

I look at subtle things she said and did the few weeks leading up to her leaving, like telling me she knew I was tired of her, telling me she hopes I wasn't settling for her, just makes me feel like she believed I wasn't happy with her and would never move forward towards an engagement or anything like that. I hate I let all of this happen. I know I lost sight of being the best I could for her in the last month. 

Your emotions DO NEED to come out! It's not good to avoid 'feeling' the pain. Trying to fill your nights with friends so you are distracted away from your pain will only delay the normal process of mourning her. Sure once in a while go see friends but don't avoid feeling the pain. It needs to come out, if it doesn't it will catch up with you later. Tears are meant to repair your soul. Crying releases oxytocin and endogenous opioids, otherwise known as endorphins. These feel-good chemicals can help ease both physical and emotional pain. Once the endorphins are released, your body may go into somewhat of a numb stage. Oxytocin can give you a sense of calm or well-being. (heathline)

Those things she said to you, she was projecting her own feelings on to you. She was getting tired, she was feeling she was settling, she was not happy. You absolutely need to forgive yourself for being human. We are not super-heroes, we can't understand everything, see everything and fix everything. She was not happy and she chose to leave. You will survive this, you will learn from it, and you will get out of it wiser and stronger and better equiped for your next relationship. 

[tart6245]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Your emotions DO NEED to come out! It's not good to avoid 'feeling' the pain. Trying to fill your nights with friends so you are distracted away from your pain will only delay the normal process of mourning her. Sure once in a while go see friends but don't avoid feeling the pain. It needs to come out, if it doesn't it will catch up with you later. Tears are meant to repair your soul. Crying releases oxytocin and endogenous opioids, otherwise known as endorphins. These feel-good chemicals can help ease both physical and emotional pain. Once the endorphins are released, your body may go into somewhat of a numb stage. Oxytocin can give you a sense of calm or well-being. (heathline)

Those things she said to you, she was projecting her own feelings on to you. She was getting tired, she was feeling she was settling, she was not happy. You absolutely need to forgive yourself for being human. We are not super-heroes, we can't understand everything, see everything and fix everything. She was not happy and she chose to leave. You will survive this, you will learn from it, and you will get out of it wiser and stronger and better equiped for your next relationship. 

I don't think I was avoiding the pain. I think I was still in a state of shock up until recently and had not had the chance to move to the grieving period. 

As for the things she said, I don't know if she meant it or it was projection. She was saying things like that for nearly all of our relationship. She'd ask me if I was tired of her, if I was bored. She'd talk about how people never noticed her and how she was always an afterthought. I know she struggled with self-esteem and confidence, so I am not sure if those were natural feelings on her end or what. I always tried to assure her that was not the case. It was not like she had not been saying things like that for a long time so I thought nothing of it when she kept saying those words. She was always concerned about pleasing me and I'd always tell her I was happy and she didn't need to try so hard to please me all the time. 

In many ways, that's how she was able to pack up and leave without me noticing, because she never changed behavior or words until she left. 

I don't know what to do. For now, I am going to keep moving on. I still haven't decided if I am going to give it one last shot and reach out to her, but for now, I keep backing off. I often wonder if knowing she had no interest in anything in the future would help me move on faster than how we left it.

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, tart6245 said:

 She was saying things like that for nearly all of our relationship. She'd ask me if I was tired of her, if I was bored. She'd talk about how people never noticed her and how she was always an afterthought.

This woman obviously had deep personnal issues that blocked her from having a healhty relationship. She's not going to change in a month, not even in 6 months. People with low self-esteem are like empty wells  you can never fill no matter what.Stop blaming yourself, what ever you could have done differently it would never have been enough. 

[ExpatInItaly]

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Those things she said to you, she was projecting her own feelings on to you. She was getting tired, she was feeling she was settling, she was not happy. 

Exactly this.

She was reflecting her feelings at this point, OP. 

Either that or she was saying this to drop hints she was about to leave, without being completely honest about the reasons why. She wanted to blame you. She didn't want you asking too many questions about what was really going on with her. 

[tart6245]

20 hours ago, Gaeta said:

This woman obviously had deep personnal issues that blocked her from having a healhty relationship. She's not going to change in a month, not even in 6 months. People with low self-esteem are like empty wells  you can never fill no matter what.Stop blaming yourself, what ever you could have done differently it would never have been enough. 

Perhaps. One of the issues is neither of us came from a place where we had great family situations, and I know that has not helped over the years. I tried to always make sure she was included in my life and integrated her into my social circles and for her to know she was important to me and I'd never disappear on her like she said others have in the past. I know the last month or so of our relationship was not great, and I let outside stresses distract me from more important things, but I still always felt she would come to me if she was unhappy and express that rather than doing what she did. But then again, there was a history of me having to push her to tell me what was wrong if something bothered her, so I guess I should not be surprised her response was to leave rather than talk. 

Edited January 26, 2021 by tart6245

[lovesflame]

On 1/25/2021 at 10:33 AM, tart6245 said:

I don't think I was avoiding the pain. I think I was still in a state of shock up until recently and had not had the chance to move to the grieving period. 

As for the things she said, I don't know if she meant it or it was projection. She was saying things like that for nearly all of our relationship. She'd ask me if I was tired of her, if I was bored. She'd talk about how people never noticed her and how she was always an afterthought. I know she struggled with self-esteem and confidence, so I am not sure if those were natural feelings on her end or what. I always tried to assure her that was not the case. It was not like she had not been saying things like that for a long time so I thought nothing of it when she kept saying those words. She was always concerned about pleasing me and I'd always tell her I was happy and she didn't need to try so hard to please me all the time. 

In many ways, that's how she was able to pack up and leave without me noticing, because she never changed behavior or words until she left. 

I don't know what to do. For now, I am going to keep moving on. I still haven't decided if I am going to give it one last shot and reach out to her, but for now, I keep backing off. I often wonder if knowing she had no interest in anything in the future would help me move on faster than how we left it.

I hope you reached out to her and at least had a conversation.

one conversation isn’t going to delay your healing . 
think about it .

 

figure out if she thinks it’s worth saving or not ...

 

but please I implore you to listen to me stop blaming yourself don’t take it personally .

this was in her own head and heart and you can ask her why but only she knows .

Just ask 

[tart6245]

12 hours ago, lovesflame said:

I hope you reached out to her and at least had a conversation.

one conversation isn’t going to delay your healing . 
think about it .

 

figure out if she thinks it’s worth saving or not ...

 

but please I implore you to listen to me stop blaming yourself don’t take it personally .

this was in her own head and heart and you can ask her why but only she knows .

Just ask 

I have not tried to talk to her. I am not sure if I will. I don't know what she is thinking or how she feels about everything. She could be happy to be alone again and not miss me at all. I don't know. All I know is she has not tried to contact me either because she isn't interested in having any contact or because she thinks I am upset and would not want to talk to her. She may also think I'm happy she's gone since she loved to point out I wasn't emotional and didn't care the day she left. 

I am trying not to be hard on myself. Neither of us were faultless when it came to the failure of our relationship. I said things that were not nice to her but she also said things that hurt me. The only difference is, I chose to express my feelings to her while she chose to keep them to herself and leave, only to tell me how she was feeling the day she left. Her being hesitant to talk to me is not something new though. 

I just wish things were different, but I am managing as best I can. I have a very strong support group that I am leaning on as I try to figure this all out. 

[lovesflame]

9 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

 

I just wish things were different, but I am managing as best I can. I have a very strong support group that I am leaning on as I try to figure this all out. 

I know you’re doing your best. I don’t know why you won’t just reach out to her because you deserve some type of closure .

eveeyone on here acts like NC is some sort of gospel truth or is going to like make you magically better .

 You know her much better than anyone here but it’s up to you if you call and ask you deserve to have some sort of closure and at least tell her you’re sad and you miss her and you wish her well and happiness. 
Just do it 

[tart6245]

38 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

I know you’re doing your best. I don’t know why you won’t just reach out to her because you deserve some type of closure .

eveeyone on here acts like NC is some sort of gospel truth or is going to like make you magically better .

 You know her much better than anyone here but it’s up to you if you call and ask you deserve to have some sort of closure and at least tell her you’re sad and you miss her and you wish her well and happiness. 
Just do it 

Cutting contact does not make you magically better, but I promise it makes moving on easier than remaining in contact or friends with your ex. I've always believed in a clean break when I ended things or when I was dumped. There is no reason to remain friends or to continue talking unless you both are interested in getting back together. So I understand why people here push the no contact rule. 

I do know her better than anyone else here, but I did not know she had the side I saw of her when she left me out of nowhere. I always thought she was loving, loyal, and caring, and she was someone I'd never lose because she genuinely loved me and would at least try to talk to me before giving up. That vision of her I had was shattered when she left. 

If I do try to make contact, I'll do it in the next few weeks. But I keep thinking if she wanted to talk to me or missed me, she would get in touch. It's also possible it hasn't been long enough for either of us to know what to do.  

[lovesflame]

7 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

 

I do know her better than anyone else here, but I did not know she had the side I saw of her when she left me out of nowhere. I always thought she was loving, loyal, and caring, and she was someone I'd never lose because she genuinely loved me and would at least try to talk to me before giving up. That vision of her I had was shattered when she left. 

Well man he’s she was loyal loving and caring and all those other things . It doesn’t erase that because she left .

it came out of nowhere but she probably believes that she did try her best at the time .

same thing happened to me my ex said I tried to work it out with you fir months . I wonder how much she spoke to you about it because you say she was sort of silent .

she left you but it was brewing within her for a while and she made her own choices .

It’s not all on you . She is someone with her own choices and heart  and mind.

you don’t sound like you did some really terrible things . 

I need help too. I thought we were married and she moved abruptly and is now leaving across the country . I can only say I feel for you .

 It wouldn’t kill you to reach out to her and that doesn’t mean your going to be friends but at least get some sort of reason from her because from all your posts you’re very confused and want to know why she left 

[tart6245]

9 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

Well man he’s she was loyal loving and caring and all those other things . It doesn’t erase that because she left .

it came out of nowhere but she probably believes that she did try her best at the time .

same thing happened to me my ex said I tried to work it out with you fir months . I wonder how much she spoke to you about it because you say she was sort of silent .

she left you but it was brewing within her for a while and she made her own choices .

It’s not all on you . She is someone with her own choices and heart  and mind.

you don’t sound like you did some really terrible things . 

I need help too. I thought we were married and she moved abruptly and is now leaving across the country . I can only say I feel for you .

 It wouldn’t kill you to reach out to her and that doesn’t mean your going to be friends but at least get some sort of reason from her because from all your posts you’re very confused and want to know why she left 

Yes, she was all of those things and that's why I loved her so much. I felt like we were going to be together forever. I thought we'd finally get engaged this year. Everything seemed to be falling into place. I knew I had things I needed to change and I had begun making moves to do that, but it seemed like she just gave up before I could do anything. 

I am still confused and I probably will be for a long time unless things work themselves out. I don't know how she could toss out 2.5 years of our lives like she did without talking through her feelings with me. Somedays I feel like our time together meant nothing. 

[Gaeta]

@tart6245 You know closure is something we give ourselves and not get from an ex, right? No matter how much she'll try to explain to you why she left you will always feel her reasons were not justified. Talking to her will not help. Try to put things into perspective, yes 2.5 years is considerable time but it's not 5, 10 or 15 years. Couples fall apart, it happens. We hurt, we get better and we move on, and most of the time we move on to something better. That being said if you want to give it a try I will not fault you for it. Loving someone is hard to fight back but I agree with you it's better to wait untill you feel stronger and if she says no you can walk away without falling apart. 

 

[lovesflame]

1 hour ago, tart6245 said:

I am still confused and I probably will be for a long time unless things work themselves out. I don't know how she could toss out 2.5 years of our lives like she did without talking through her feelings with me. Somedays I feel like our time together meant nothing. 

I mean man of course you’re in the dark mass of confusion . 
I mean I get it though and feel bad .

it didn’t mean nothing it meant a lot man you wouldn’t be hurting so bad if it wasn’t important to you. Can’t lose what didn’t matter to you . And you give it whatever meaning you can probably a long time from now .

 I still think you need to try to speak with her 

she’s not good at communicating how she feels it seems like am I right ?

 

dude I was the same way but my ex told me I did try with you I tried for months and I’m not giving it up I am giving to myself .

so see man how much closure I got hearing those words ?

hope  they help you 

[tart6245]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

@tart6245 You know closure is something we give ourselves and not get from an ex, right? No matter how much she'll try to explain to you why she left you will always feel her reasons were not justified. Talking to her will not help. Try to put things into perspective, yes 2.5 years is considerable time but it's not 5, 10 or 15 years. Couples fall apart, it happens. We hurt, we get better and we move on, and most of the time we move on to something better. That being said if you want to give it a try I will not fault you for it. Loving someone is hard to fight back but I agree with you it's better to wait untill you feel stronger and if she says no you can walk away without falling apart. 

 

I understand that, yes. That's why I have resisted the urge, no matter how difficult, to contact her. I'm also aware there is basically a 1/3 chance contacting her ends in anything positive. I know I am not at the point where I won't care if she rejects or ignores me, so I know I should not even try at this moment. And I know I could be even more confused if I do get a response out of her than I am now. And perhaps I will get to the point where I feel better and never contact her or she ends up contacting me in a few weeks/months. I don't know what will happen, but I know I don't have any expectation that she will actually do that. As far as I know, she may still be living at her parents, so she may not even have had time to be alone and realize what life is like when I'm gone. 

[tart6245]

15 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

I mean man of course you’re in the dark mass of confusion . 
I mean I get it though and feel bad .

it didn’t mean nothing it meant a lot man you wouldn’t be hurting so bad if it wasn’t important to you. Can’t lose what didn’t matter to you . And you give it whatever meaning you can probably a long time from now .

 I still think you need to try to speak with her 

she’s not good at communicating how she feels it seems like am I right ?

 

dude I was the same way but my ex told me I did try with you I tried for months and I’m not giving it up I am giving to myself .

so see man how much closure I got hearing those words ?

hope  they help you 

It meant everything to me. What I meant was it almost feels like it didn't mean anything to her. 

I very well may try to talk to her. I have not decided. She did struggle to communicate her feelings with me. I was guilty of that too sometimes, but I had to push her to tell me how she felt more often than not, and the day she left was the first time I heard she was unhappy with me. If we had been having huge issues and she had expressed she was not happy beforehand, I would not be at such a loss now.