GF moved out out of nowhere - totally devastated

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, tart6245 said:

I would find that out eventually regardless. I am not sure if I would feel worse or if it would help me move on easier knowing she could move on that quickly. 

She didn't move on quickly. Moving out takes planning and she's been unhappy for a long time before ending it and moving out.

You feel blindsided because you were not aware of her despair. Either she hid it or you were coasting along obliviously.

When you pause and reflect, you know very well why she left and you can probably even pinpoint when it started falling apart.

This is what you should be doing. Not chasing her or her family.

Reflecting so the same things don't happen again. Without reflection and insight....They will.

 

[turokturok5]

Hey Tart, probably an unpopular opinion here and I would listen to other people if they shut me down because they probably have more experience than I, but in my opinion I think you should just contact her and say what you want to say. It sounds like you have been torturing yourself about whether or not to do it for weeks and you'll continue to torture yourself and wander the "what ifs" unless you do it. 

To me it sounds like you're going to contact her regardless of whether or not people advise you to do it. If you do it now and you get shut down, you can to TRULY start to move on knowing you did everything and said everything you could possibly say to try to work it out with her and that at the end of the day, she just made a decision to not want to try anymore and there is NOTHING you can do to force somebody to want something no matter how badly you want it and how easily you think the problems you were having could be fixed.

You 100% will feel a LOT worse than you do now after contacting her though, but irrespective of whether you do it now, do it in 2 weeks, 4 weeks or 8 weeks, you will feel the same pain. But in my opinion it is better to feel that pain ASAP and really start to move on rather than to waste more days, weeks or months that could be spent finding someone who is willing to fight for a relationship with you and stick it through the tough times. 

My girlfriend dumped me around the same time yours did with somewhat similar circumstances (i.e. her wanting more of a commitment) and not wanting to work on our "issues", although I wasn't as blindsided as you were. Unlike you have done, I reached out to her after less than a week to "lay it all on the line". A week doesn't seem like a long time but I spent probably 90% of my waking hours analyzing what went wrong, what we could do to fix it and desperately wanted her back. I met up with her and talked about what I think went wrong and how I think we could fix it. She was surprised that I completely understood how she was feeling and what went wrong from her perspective, but her heart just wasn't in it anymore and she didn't want to waste anymore time on trying to fix something that might be inherently broken when she could just go out and try to find someone else. I was devastated, but I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my chest because I knew there was absolutely nothing I could say or do anymore to try and get her back. 

After that I immediately went no contact with her and blocked her on everything (or so I thought) and was feeling happier/more optimistic day by day. A few weeks later she emailed me asking if we could meet up as my birthday was coming up, she felt bad about dumping me so close to my birthday and wanted to give me a present I agreed and we went out for a few hours, she gave me a present, we hugged, she cried and said she missed me but didn't want to give me hope.

Surprisingly I didn't feel sad because in my mind, because she had chose to throw our relationship away, I thought that she was the one who would need hope to have me back now. She messaged me the next day telling me how amazing I am, how I deserve the world and more, how lucky she had been to have me in her life but we were now on "different paths" (lol). I didn't respond and haven't talked to her in almost a month now. I'm in a much better place now than I was 6 weeks ago - after feeling like I did everything I could do to try save the relationship things got a lot easier. I continue to have good and bad days - had a bit of a rough day today at work and would always debrief with her when I did (we worked in the same field), which is why I'm lurking on the forum right now, but I would say that 90% of the time I have good days! I just feel like once you had exhausted all the "power" you have to try and get them back, if it fails, you start to accept in your core that its over. I'm no longer mourning the relationship I had with my ex, I just miss her as a person... 

Edited February 3, 2021 by turokturok5

[tart6245]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She didn't move on quickly. Moving out takes planning and she's been unhappy for a long time before ending it and moving out.

You feel blindsided because you were not aware of her despair. Either she hid it or you were coasting along obliviously.

When you pause and reflect, you know very well why she left and you can probably even pinpoint when it started falling apart.

This is what you should be doing. Not chasing her or her family.

Reflecting so the same things don't happen again. Without reflection and insight....They will.

 

I can pinpoint it to me suggesting at the end of November that I was nearly done with the relationship. I didn't mean it, but I had grown frustrated over something and said it out of emotion. Looking back, that's where I see as when she likely started to think about leaving. I don't think she was considering it before then, but none of us can read her mind. 

[tart6245]

2 hours ago, turokturok5 said:

Hey Tart, probably an unpopular opinion here and I would listen to other people if they shut me down because they probably have more experience than I, but in my opinion I think you should just contact her and say what you want to say. It sounds like you have been torturing yourself about whether or not to do it for weeks and you'll continue to torture yourself and wander the "what ifs" unless you do it. 

To me it sounds like you're going to contact her regardless of whether or not people advise you to do it. If you do it now and you get shut down, you can to TRULY start to move on knowing you did everything and said everything you could possibly say to try to work it out with her and that at the end of the day, she just made a decision to not want to try anymore and there is NOTHING you can do to force somebody to want something no matter how badly you want it and how easily you think the problems you were having could be fixed.

You 100% will feel a LOT worse than you do now after contacting her though, but irrespective of whether you do it now, do it in 2 weeks, 4 weeks or 8 weeks, you will feel the same pain. But in my opinion it is better to feel that pain ASAP and really start to move on rather than to waste more days, weeks or months that could be spent finding someone who is willing to fight for a relationship with you and stick it through the tough times. 

My girlfriend dumped me around the same time yours did with somewhat similar circumstances (i.e. her wanting more of a commitment) and not wanting to work on our "issues", although I wasn't as blindsided as you were. Unlike you have done, I reached out to her after less than a week to "lay it all on the line". A week doesn't seem like a long time but I spent probably 90% of my waking hours analyzing what went wrong, what we could do to fix it and desperately wanted her back. I met up with her and talked about what I think went wrong and how I think we could fix it. She was surprised that I completely understood how she was feeling and what went wrong from her perspective, but her heart just wasn't in it anymore and she didn't want to waste anymore time on trying to fix something that might be inherently broken when she could just go out and try to find someone else. I was devastated, but I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my chest because I knew there was absolutely nothing I could say or do anymore to try and get her back. 

After that I immediately went no contact with her and blocked her on everything (or so I thought) and was feeling happier/more optimistic day by day. A few weeks later she emailed me asking if we could meet up as my birthday was coming up, she felt bad about dumping me so close to my birthday and wanted to give me a present I agreed and we went out for a few hours, she gave me a present, we hugged, she cried and said she missed me but didn't want to give me hope.

Surprisingly I didn't feel sad because in my mind, because she had chose to throw our relationship away, I thought that she was the one who would need hope to have me back now. She messaged me the next day telling me how amazing I am, how I deserve the world and more, how lucky she had been to have me in her life but we were now on "different paths" (lol). I didn't respond and haven't talked to her in almost a month now. I'm in a much better place now than I was 6 weeks ago - after feeling like I did everything I could do to try save the relationship things got a lot easier. I continue to have good and bad days - had a bit of a rough day today at work and would always debrief with her when I did (we worked in the same field), which is why I'm lurking on the forum right now, but I would say that 90% of the time I have good days! I just feel like once you had exhausted all the "power" you have to try and get them back, if it fails, you start to accept in your core that its over. I'm no longer mourning the relationship I had with my ex, I just miss her as a person... 

My decision comes down to how much pain I want to put myself through. I am in the grieving stage right now. The initial surprise wore off a few weeks ago. I have no interest in meeting up with my ex unless she is considering a future with me after the time apart. Otherwise, there's no reason to do that. Sometimes I wonder if I would move on faster if she did kill off any hope I have that she is reconsidering and still thinks we could make it. It may hurt much more initially, but maybe in a week or so after, I will start to really feel better and accept there is no more hope. 

I know I can't force her to be with me and I don't want to force anyone to be with me. I am worth more than that to have to beg someone to be in a relationship. And I won't do that here. All I would do is to lay it all out there for her and if she still tells me she does not want any future, at least I can move on knowing I did all I could do to show her I cared. 

[Acacia98]

36 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

I can pinpoint it to me suggesting at the end of November that I was nearly done with the relationship. I didn't mean it, but I had grown frustrated over something and said it out of emotion. Looking back, that's where I see as when she likely started to think about leaving. I don't think she was considering it before then, but none of us can read her mind. 

If you don't mind my asking, what were you frustrated about?

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, tart6245 said:

All I would do is to lay it all out there for her and if she still tells me she does not want any future, at least I can move on knowing I did all I could do to show her I cared. 

It may back fire at you. You know she is avoidant and doesn't speak her mind, why you think she would now? She may give you one of those s***ty answer that leaves people hanging. 

[tart6245]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It may back fire at you. You know she is avoidant and doesn't speak her mind, why you think she would now? She may give you one of those s***ty answer that leaves people hanging. 

This is something I worry about and partly why I keep holding off. I think the worst outcome would be for her to say she needs more time or she doesn't know what will happen like she did when she left. If that was her answer, I would take it as I need to let it go for good. 

There is still a possibility I never reach out. I don't know why the last week or so has been so difficult for me to process, but I will admit I still cling to hope that she is still living at home and having some second thoughts and does not know how to address them because she struggles with confrontation and is worried I am angry at her. That's probably wrong, but I can't help feeling like that. This is someone who let problems or concerns fester for days before I finally got her to tell me what bothered her. 

[Gaeta]

How are you doing tart6245? Have you contacted you ex as you were planning on? Maybe you don't need to anymore?

[tart6245]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

How are you doing tart6245? Have you contacted you ex as you were planning on? Maybe you don't need to anymore?

I have not. I still think about trying but wanted to be strong enough to go through with it. I miss her tremendously, but I am doing much better than I was a month ago. I've forgiven myself for what mistakes I made and am actively working on addressing other issues to better myself. I still have a lot of confusion about how we ended up breaking up and how we got there so quickly. I still feel like she left me because she thought I would leave her eventually or that I was just staying with her because I didn't want to meet new people.