GF moved out out of nowhere - totally devastated

[tart6245]

21 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

To me, and the other ladies can confirm, when a woman tells you to find someone else, the love is gone, it's too late. And she added to that maybe another woman would be your soulmate, she's confirming by that she knows she's not yours. There is nothing to save in my eyes.

I just don't know how to got to this point as fast as it did. It happened overnight with no obvious signs. As much as I wish I could reach out and talk to her and try to make things right, I know that is a bad idea. 

[Gaeta]

For now you do nothing. Let a couple of weeks go by, you'll see time has a way of clarifying things. My 5 year relationship ended abruptly 4 weeks ago and I was ready to take full blame for my ex-bf's cheating. Now 4 weeks later the fog is dissipating and the red flags he had sent me through our relationship are now jumping at me. It doesn't take the pain away unfortunately but you'll understand better why it's over, and it cannot be again. 

[tart6245]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

For now you do nothing. Let a couple of weeks go by, you'll see time has a way of clarifying things. My 5 year relationship ended abruptly 4 weeks ago and I was ready to take full blame for my ex-bf's cheating. Now 4 weeks later the fog is dissipating and the red flags he had sent me through our relationship are now jumping at me. It doesn't take the pain away unfortunately but you'll understand better why it's over, and it cannot be again. 

Yes, I have no plans to reach out to her any time soon unless she reaches out to me. I do not think there was any cheating in my case, but perhaps you will be right after all and that she has met someone and I was just oblivious to seeing it. 

[Gaeta]

She may not have been cheating but she could have someone else, and she would have decided to leave your relationship so quickly because that other relationship is ready to escalate. It's all the same thing to me, she is gone emotionally whether she was cheating physically or not.

[flitzanu]

it's like i get to be Dr Who and go back to the past.  i had almost the identical thing happen to me.  2 years of living together.  then one day, "i want to move out" and a lot of weird reasons to blame, blah blah.

pay attention to the parts that people are telling you right now that you don't want to hear, because those are the things you need to focus on. 

don't spend hours blaming yourself, or your nose for snoring, or whatever.  this was her decision, and 98% had nothing to do with the excuses she gave you.  however, NOTHING YOU SAY IS GOING TO CHANGE IT.

you know why everyone on here pushes "no contact"?  because it's the best.  she left you.  delete her from your life and don't give her a crack in the door.  show her what life is without you in it, and suffer in private, don't show it in public (to anyone that knows her).

 

[tart6245]

2 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

it's like i get to be Dr Who and go back to the past.  i had almost the identical thing happen to me.  2 years of living together.  then one day, "i want to move out" and a lot of weird reasons to blame, blah blah.

pay attention to the parts that people are telling you right now that you don't want to hear, because those are the things you need to focus on. 

don't spend hours blaming yourself, or your nose for snoring, or whatever.  this was her decision, and 98% had nothing to do with the excuses she gave you.  however, NOTHING YOU SAY IS GOING TO CHANGE IT.

you know why everyone on here pushes "no contact"?  because it's the best.  she left you.  delete her from your life and don't give her a crack in the door.  show her what life is without you in it, and suffer in private, don't show it in public (to anyone that knows her).

 

I understand what no contact is and I know it's the best route. I hope I don't break down and try to contact her because I know deep down it won't change anything. If she did break up with me because of having to push me and reassure me though, I worry my silence will just confirm I really was never interested in moving forward with her. She did say during the breakup how I wasn't being emotional, which meant I wasn't happy anyway.

[lana-banana]

I agree there's someone else in this equation. People don't pack up overnight just because they suddenly want something better. It doesn't mean she cheated in any sense of the word, but at the least the other person signaled their interest and she's out. 

The key thing to remember is that nobody leaves a happy or even satisfying relationship for someone else. As Gaeta said, in time you'll suddenly start seeing reasons why it wouldn't have worked regardless of whether anybody else showed up. You might realize she was noncommittal or not fully engaged, or you didn't have the same life goals, or you were incompatible in other strange ways. What happened now just accelerated the inevitable, but it was inevitable. And it definitely wasn't because of your snoring.

For now my prescription is a book you've been meaning to read, some good, engaging television (either dark and complex like Succession or Chernobyl, or wholesome and gentle like The Owl House or Gravity Falls), and a glass of Islay scotch. Things will hurt like hell for a while---weeks even---but eventually you will move beyond the shock and start putting yourself together again. Best of luck. We're here for you.

Edited December 23, 2020 by lana-banana

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, tarheelian said:

living together for six months.

According to her, the reasons why we "need to do this" ranged from her feeling like she had to clean up after me during the day.

 my snoring 

me enjoying going out and her not doing so.

She also expressed frustration with how long it took me to introduce her to my family and push the relationship forward.

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems like things were building up and living together didn't work out. Did she live with her parents prior to moving in? 

It's odd after 2 years she never knew the condition of your home or sleeping habits or going out.

She seems to have hoped this would lead to commitment not just living together. How old is she?

[tart6245]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems like things were building up and living together didn't work out. Did she live with her parents prior to moving in? 

It's odd after 2 years she never knew the condition of your home or sleeping habits or going out.

She seems to have hoped this would lead to commitment not just living together. How old is she?

She knew my sleeping habits before she moved in. I stopped taking sleeping pills after my first visit to the doctor and adapted to sleeping without them but it didn't help. I did drag my feet on seeing a specialist which I will see next month. 

All of these reasons she brought up were present before she moved in with me, which is why it was so surprising to hear her use them to justify leaving me. She is 26 years old. Not as old as I am but not terribly young. As a friend of mine said, it was not like I changed or acted any different than I had prior to her moving in. Maybe she expected I would become a completely different person. 

[Ruby Slippers]

4 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

All of these reasons she brought up were present before she moved in with me, which is why it was so surprising to hear her use them to justify leaving me. 

Accepting someone's annoying habits is a lot easier when you live apart and always have an escape route. Once you live together, they become magnified and you can't really get away from them, which chips away at the romance.

She realized it wasn't romantic being your defacto maid, not even getting to sleep in the same bed with you at night, especially given that she felt you had dragged your feet on moving the relationship forward. You were reluctant to let her move in and you were still "dating" 2 1/2 years later. She probably felt she was investing and sacrificing a lot with not much to show for it, so she threw in the towel. 

[tart6245]

2 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Accepting someone's annoying habits is a lot easier when you live apart and always have an escape route. Once you live together, they become magnified and you can't really get away from them, which chips away at the romance.

She realized it wasn't romantic being your defacto maid, not even getting to sleep in the same bed with you at night, especially given that she felt you had dragged your feet on moving the relationship forward. You were reluctant to let her move in and you were still "dating" 2 1/2 years later. She probably felt she was investing and sacrificing a lot with not much to show for it, so she threw in the towel. 

That's also a possibility. The maid part I do not agree with. I always kept a clean apartment. I think that was more a part of her being home all day and noticing things I did not. But the snoring and sleeping separately was an issue that I regret not addressing sooner. I'd like to think there is a happy ending to this, and we are able to talk and worth through these issues and I can show her I am making those changes, but I won't get my hopes up. 

[trident_2020]

You've asked her in the past if she's checked out. So you DID know something was up.

 

[lana-banana]

It's not an option. You didn't break her heart, you aren't her true love, you aren't the one she's thinking of. When a woman tells you to find your soulmate she is telling you in no uncertain terms that whatever romances you experience in the future won't be with her. I'm so sorry this happened but she has been as unambiguous as possible that it's over.

[tart6245]

1 minute ago, trident_2020 said:

You've asked her in the past if she's checked out. So you DID know something was up.

 

That's my paranoia talking. I've asked her that for the last year and a half. Her personality is very quiet and reserved, so it's hard to know when she's happy or excited about something. It sounds like she just got tired of me always doubting her commitment. 

[FMW]

I see validity in both possibilities being discussed here.  

Another man:  Developing feelings for someone else is a common reason for a woman to leave a relationship in what seems like a sudden way.  At some point the feelings get hard to ignore and the decision is made, in what can be a seemingly out of the blue way.  

The reasons she gave you:  She's brought them up before, and even though you thought they were resolved because she didn't keep hammering on them, they didn't go away for her.  She tried to deal with them but over time realized she was just fed up.  Men think if women stop b****ing about something, then it's over and done with.  Not true in many cases, we just give up beating our heads against a brick wall (and having the man tell us we're always b****ing).  That doesn't mean it's right for her to hold it in until it was just too late, but it's not an uncommon reaction.

None of those reasons cause someone to leave a relationship over night - but with build up over time, sure, it's possible.

  

[tart6245]

2 minutes ago, FMW said:

I see validity in both possibilities being discussed here.  

Another man:  Developing feelings for someone else is a common reason for a woman to leave a relationship in what seems like a sudden way.  At some point the feelings get hard to ignore and the decision is made, in what can be a seemingly out of the blue way.  

The reasons she gave you:  She's brought them up before, and even though you thought they were resolved because she didn't keep hammering on them, they didn't go away for her.  She tried to deal with them but over time realized she was just fed up.  Men think if women stop b****ing about something, then it's over and done with.  Not true in many cases, we just give up beating our heads against a brick wall (and having the man tell us we're always b****ing).  That doesn't mean it's right for her to hold it in until it was just too late, but it's not an uncommon reaction.

None of those reasons cause someone to leave a relationship over night - but with build up over time, sure, it's possible.

  

That's what I am having such an issue understanding. She said she only decided to leave the night before she packed up and left. That it wasn't in her mind beforehand. She spent Saturday last weekend with my family and discussed the holidays. It seemed like there was no indication she was about to leave. 

[trident_2020]

13 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

That's my paranoia talking. I've asked her that for the last year and a half. Her personality is very quiet and reserved, so it's hard to know when she's happy or excited about something. 

More like your intuition talking. She's quiet and reserved, so she doesn't communicate with you about how she really feels.

 

 

[FMW]

 

1 minute ago, tarheelian said:

She said she only decided to leave the night before she packed up and left.

I agree with you, I don't think she was being honest with you.  She may have just made the final decision the night before, but it's been at least in the back of her mind for awhile.  But the fact that she gave you reasons that had been discussed before is telling you exactly that - it's been in her mind for a while.  Maybe she wasn't being honest with herself about the extent to which it bothered her or what the consequences would be if the issues weren't resolved (either by you or her coming to terms with them).  

[lana-banana]

I would be very skeptical that she decided to end a two-and-a-half-year relationship overnight, unless she had some conversation or earthshattering revelation that you weren't meant to be (and even those aren't as dramatic as they are in movies; I had a similar epiphany once about a guy I was with and it was still two more months before I pulled the trigger). These things tend to build up until a straw breaks the camel's back---or some outside factor, like a new job opportunity or romantic interest, forces the issue.

You could lose your mind overanalyzing her every last word but please don't put yourself through more pain than you have already. Words, especially words said during breakups, are often very inconsistent. It's why you have to focus on actions.

[Gaeta]

She did not leave because of the snoring, she left because her feelings died.  A woman in love would not leave her man because of snoring, she would move out and tell him she loves him but until he deals with his snoring she will sleep at her place. 

[Ruby Slippers]

13 minutes ago, FMW said:

Maybe she wasn't being honest with herself about the extent to which it bothered her or what the consequences would be if the issues weren't resolved (either by you or her coming to terms with them).  

It's not even necessarily not being honest. Sometimes you think you can tolerate whatever compromises you're making, you're really trying to grit your teeth and bear it, but things keep piling up and eating away at you until you just feel like what's the point? Then all your motivation to compromise any further swiftly dies and you're out.

Edited December 23, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said:

It's not even necessarily not being honest. Sometimes you think you can tolerate whatever compromises you're making, you're really trying to grit your teeth and bear it, but things keep piling up and eating away at you until you just feel like what's the point? Then all your motivation to compromise any further swiftly dies and you're out.

I think you are making this appear much bigger than it really is in OP's situation.

[Ruby Slippers]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I think you are making this appear much bigger than it really is in OP's situation.

I don't think so. I see a lot of signs he was fairly oblivious to what she was saying and it built up. Many aspects of what he's described remind me of my last relationship. I can imagine my ex told his friends I broke up with him "out of nowhere" - but that's only because he was insensitive and oblivious.

[HiCrunchy]

10 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I don't think so. I see a lot of signs he was fairly oblivious to what she was saying and it built up. Many aspects of what he's described remind me of my last relationship. I can imagine my ex told his friends I broke up with him "out of nowhere" - but that's only because he was insensitive and oblivious.

I had a friend who broke up with her bf of 3 years for similar reason. She was so tired of cleaning up after her bf who expected her to be mom #2 while he went out with his friends leaving her alone at home in a new city. She didn't have anyone in the wings and her break up really hurt since she loved him still. She didn't date for a while and eventually went on tinder but is still single 1 year later. But only time will tell what OPs situation is like.

Edited December 23, 2020 by HiCrunchy

[Lotsgoingon]

Two weeks ago, she sat with me at dinner lamenting that she didn't like feeling like she constantly had to reassure me how much she wanted our relationship.

You're saying you were surprised by the breakup. But the above is a major sign of a problem. Two meanings here: 

1. You're feeling very insecure--so much so that you are asking for her to reassure you. 

2. She resents that you're asking for reassurance. 

In my experience, almost any time you have to ask a person for reassure means you're picking up distance and coldness and lack of interest. That feeling is often a red flag, but many folks ignore the feeling and just assume it's their insecurities talking.

So you were NOT happy if you had to ask for reassurance of her affection. Your setup to this story doesn't fit. You were feeling insecure and that she was distant. And instead of reassuring you, she walked. Which mean your feelings of insecurity were RIGHT! ... all along.