GF moved out out of nowhere - totally devastated

[tart6245]

14 minutes ago, Ruby_Red said:

Well - Not everybody always wants to get married. If her dad felt that way, then that’s her dad’s “problem”. He’s not part of that relationship. And while I do understand that he’s on his daughter’s side and wants the best for her, that doesn’t mean that long-term couples can’t be happy without a marriage license. I mean - you gotta ask yourself what the girlfriend wanted? Did she leave you because everything took too long? Did she want to move forward? To me it looks like that - no matter what she said - she was as reluctant as you with the relationship in general. Did she voice anything in particular?

But we did want to get married and I told her that. If she didn't believe me, there is nothing I could do about it. Hell, even my family discussed a wedding when they were around her. It wasn't like I said to her I had no interest nor did she tell me she wanted to be engaged by X year. If her parents expected an engagement soon, that was never communicated to me. I was rarely even invited to see her parents as my ex forced us to see each parent equally despite my relationship with my parents being much different than hers in that I did not see mine multiple times a week while she did. And when I did see her parents, my visits with them were much shorter than they were with my family. Usually just one meal and that was it, while I was having her over for an entire day or more with my parent. 

Because of that, I was unable to build any type of relationship with her parents. 

[tart6245]

7 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Most women in their 20s hope to get married and have a family. From what the OP says, she had already made her intentions for marriage and family very clear and they were discussing it. Most women aren't going to stick around to "date" a man for years on end. If they haven't had a concrete discussion and started making plans within 2 years max, most women are going to start to check out, which makes perfect sense. While women are having kids later and later, all the numbers start to drop around age 30, so women don't have time to wait around for years.

She never said her family was discussing marriage. She said she wanted to get married and have a family to me. I had little relationship with her family because my ex rarely extended an invite to spend time with them, and when she did, it was usually for just a meal and we left. On the other hand, she was spending a much longer time with my parent and was getting to know her much better than I was getting to know my ex's parents. I wish I had been given a chance to build a relationship with her parents but I feel like she was working against me on that whether intentional or not. 

[tart6245]

Boy, today is harder than some have been. I spent last night talking with some close friends who kept telling me if I wanted to talk to my ex, I should reach out to her sooner rather than later. If she ignored me or said no, I would know that and I could move on. Everyone just seems so surprised at this. They understand why she would leave given what she said, but they don't understand why she never sat down with me and let me know the severity of the situation. They also felt the snoring excuse was not a serious one. 

[Ruby_Red]

I think your friend is right. If you reach out to her and get her to talk to you then you will definitely find out what’s going on. And that will help you either to move on by yourself or to move forward together with her and to find a compromise with her.

[tart6245]

12 minutes ago, Ruby_Red said:

I think your friend is right. If you reach out to her and get her to talk to you then you will definitely find out what’s going on. And that will help you either to move on by yourself or to move forward together with her and to find a compromise with her.

I'm just torn. Part of me knows NC is the way to go and to just go completely dark, but I don't want it to backfire and signal to her that I really didn't care for her or the relationship and I'm off just having the time of my life. 

On the other hand, she moved out. It isn't like she left for a few days to think things through. She took the step to actually move all of her things out. I don't know how reconciliation looks from that point forward. 

[Acacia98]

50 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

I'm just torn. Part of me knows NC is the way to go and to just go completely dark, but I don't want it to backfire and signal to her that I really didn't care for her or the relationship and I'm off just having the time of my life. 

On the other hand, she moved out. It isn't like she left for a few days to think things through. She took the step to actually move all of her things out. I don't know how reconciliation looks from that point forward. 

I can't speak for anyone else, but if I broke up with someone and he went NC, I wouldn't think he never loved me and was having the time of his life. I'd think he was hurt deeply and was doing what he needed to do to move on.

[Ruby_Red]

54 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

I'm just torn. Part of me knows NC is the way to go and to just go completely dark, but I don't want it to backfire and signal to her that I really didn't care for her or the relationship and I'm off just having the time of my life. 

On the other hand, she moved out. It isn't like she left for a few days to think things through. She took the step to actually move all of her things out. I don't know how reconciliation looks from that point forward. 

You can of course break NC, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Begging sometimes works, but if it does, it’s usually only a short-time success. It’s like a bandaid, it won’t stay on. 

[tart6245]

10 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I can't speak for anyone else, but if I broke up with someone and he went NC, I wouldn't think he never loved me and was having the time of his life. I'd think he was hurt deeply and was doing what he needed to do to move on.

I am merely saying that because of what she said during the breakup - "you aren't even emotional, you don't really care / you were never totally happy" etc. Of course, I understand that it could just be a tactic she's using to put things on me. 

[trident_2020]

1 hour ago, tarheelian said:

I'm just torn. Part of me knows NC is the way to go and to just go completely dark, but I don't want it to backfire and signal to her that I really didn't care for her or the relationship and I'm off just having the time of my life. 

On the other hand, she moved out. It isn't like she left for a few days to think things through. She took the step to actually move all of her things out. I don't know how reconciliation looks from that point forward. 

Doesn't typically work that way. She dumped you because she was thinking about her needs and what she wants, not how it will affect you. If she suddenly decides she made a mistake and wants back in she won't think "oh he doesn't want me anymore" she'll do what's in her best interests which will be to contact you along the lines of "hey how's it going".. but given she moved all her stuff out I wouldn't put too much stock in that happening and even if it did odds are it wouldn't go anywhere because whatever caused her to up and run isn't fixed and probably can't be if you aren't the guy for her.

 

 

[tart6245]

9 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Doesn't typically work that way. She dumped you because she was thinking about her needs and what she wants, not how it will affect you. If she suddenly decides she made a mistake and wants back in she won't think "oh he doesn't want me anymore" she'll do what's in her best interests which will be to contact you along the lines of "hey how's it going".. but given she moved all her stuff out I wouldn't put too much stock in that happening and even if it did odds are it wouldn't go anywhere because whatever caused her to up and run isn't fixed and probably can't be if you aren't the guy for her.

 

 

I know the odds aren't good. She also said "I feel like you fell in love with who I was 2.5 years ago, and I have made a lot of changes since then." The more I think about it, it just seems like she was convinced I didn't love or care enough for her and we'd both be better off breaking up. Maybe I did come off that way. It's just been a stressful year in general, but I did not know she felt so hopeless in all of this. 

But you're right, she did dump me. I'm sure she did because she felt I just didn't care and it wasn't going to go anywhere, and she was tired of having to be the initiator to fix any problems we had. 

How do I fix that? It may be unfixable, but I am still torn as to whether I want to reach out and let her know I am addressing the problems that I can or just let her go and see if we naturally reconnect someday. I obviously don't expect her to just up and move her stuff back in anytime soon. 

[maggiemtn]

40 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

How do I fix that? It may be unfixable, but I am still torn as to whether I want to reach out and let her know I am addressing the problems that I can or just let her go and see if we naturally reconnect someday. I obviously don't expect her to just up and move her stuff back in anytime soon. 

I wouldn’t. I would just work on the problems because that helps YOU and doesn’t focus on anyone else. You may reconnect in the future but if it were to ever work out it would have to be a very long time from now. I totally agree with the comment above that when someone leaves and the other person goes NC, they know full well they are missed and loved. It’s on them to reach out, but it’s usually in both parties’ best interests that that doesn’t happen. 

[tart6245]

6 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

I wouldn’t. I would just work on the problems because that helps YOU and doesn’t focus on anyone else. You may reconnect in the future but if it were to ever work out it would have to be a very long time from now. I totally agree with the comment above that when someone leaves and the other person goes NC, they know full well they are missed and loved. It’s on them to reach out, but it’s usually in both parties’ best interests that that doesn’t happen. 

Understood. I guess what I am saying is it sounded like my ex didn't feel as if she was loved and even said I didn't say I love you much at all. I know telling her now may be too little too late - but I guess I am starting to wonder what else I have to lose. It isn't like I plan to contact her tomorrow, but I may feel regret if I stay silent forever. It may just confirm her belief that I never really loved her and was never serious about her. 

[maggiemtn]

12 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

Understood. I guess what I am saying is it sounded like my ex didn't feel as if she was loved and even said I didn't say I love you much at all. I know telling her now may be too little too late - but I guess I am starting to wonder what else I have to lose. It isn't like I plan to contact her tomorrow, but I may feel regret if I stay silent forever. It may just confirm her belief that I never really loved her and was never serious about her. 

It’s just a no-win situation unfortunately. If she thinks throughout your relationship that you didn’t love her, weren’t serious, didn’t express your love and affection, a text isn’t going to do anything other than probably make her mad. That’s just my guess because that’s how I’d feel in that situation. I’m not saying her feelings are accurate or anything other than just responding to the above quote. But from that, it seems like the damage is done and this is when you use time for self-reflection, bettering yourself, learning, reading, finding cool hobbies and new friends, and all that. You will be in so much of a better state of mind when you DO find that right person for you, because you put yourself first and made changes for you and no one else. 

[tart6245]

15 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

It’s just a no-win situation unfortunately. If she thinks throughout your relationship that you didn’t love her, weren’t serious, didn’t express your love and affection, a text isn’t going to do anything other than probably make her mad. That’s just my guess because that’s how I’d feel in that situation. I’m not saying her feelings are accurate or anything other than just responding to the above quote. But from that, it seems like the damage is done and this is when you use time for self-reflection, bettering yourself, learning, reading, finding cool hobbies and new friends, and all that. You will be in so much of a better state of mind when you DO find that right person for you, because you put yourself first and made changes for you and no one else. 

I understand it could backfire, make her mad, or it could be totally ignored. I am only basing all of this off of knowing her, knowing she struggles with self-esteem, inability to speak up, knowing she's said all her life how no one ever noticed her, and how I was the only person that did. Maybe all of that was lies, but I can't speculate. 

I know now is not the time to contact her. It has been a week. But I keep weighing my options over the next month. I know there is a risk that it will go completely ignored and it will make me feel very sad, but I suppose I can look back and know I gave it a shot. If she has totally decided she does not see a future with me, I will know that. But I wanted her to know I heard what she said to me and have taken it to heart, and I am not just saying things this time. 

As you said, regardless of the outcome, I will treat this as a learning experience. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow AM and will fix my snoring in the near future, and I will certainly learn not to shield myself off and not hold back expressing my love, whether if to her or to someone new in the future.  

[Ruby Slippers]

5 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

I know now is not the time to contact her. It has been a week. But I keep weighing my options over the next month. I know there is a risk that it will go completely ignored and it will make me feel very sad, but I suppose I can look back and know I gave it a shot.

I'm sorry to say I think she's done. But if you want to try again, my advice is not to bother contacting her unless you have a clear, concrete plan for how to fix the problems and communicate a readiness to do what's required. I broke up with someone 6 months ago. He's tried to maintain a connection ever since, sent a few emails over the past few months hinting he wants another chance, but the messages didn't inspire a reply. They were basically polite, sentimental messages about him missing me. Well, that doesn't change a darn thing. I saw no point in replying and did not. If he had apologized and laid out a clear plan for resolving the problems, I might have felt more inspired to reply. I came very close to telling him last time that every time I hear from him, it only makes me feel sad and disappointed all over again, so don't contact me anymore. But it was Christmas Eve, so I thought it was nicer to just ignore him. If he continues, probably next time I'll tell him to stop contacting me.

I read this all the time on this forum. A guy gets dumped, then follows up with these piddly little messages, and gives up when he doesn't hear anything back. And I'm thinking of course no woman is going to respond to such a weak effort. It would take a whole lot more than that to get her back.

[tart6245]

5 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I'm sorry to say I think she's done. But if you want to try again, my advice is not to bother contacting her unless you have a clear, concrete plan for how to fix the problems and communicate a readiness to do what's required. I broke up with someone 6 months ago. He's tried to maintain a connection ever since, sent a few emails over the past few months hinting he wants another chance, but the messages didn't inspire a reply. They were basically polite, sentimental messages about him missing me. Well, that doesn't change a darn thing. I saw no point in replying and did not. If he had apologized and laid out a clear plan for resolving the problems, I might have felt more inspired to reply. I came very close to telling him last time that every time I hear from him, it only makes me feel sad and disappointed all over again, so don't contact me anymore. But it was Christmas Eve, so I thought it was nicer to just ignore him. If he continues, probably next time I'll tell him to stop contacting me.

I read this all the time on this forum. A guy gets dumped, then follows up with these piddly little messages, and gives up when he doesn't hear anything back. And I'm thinking of course no woman is going to respond to such a weak effort. It would take a whole lot more than that to get her back.

I would never contact her without a concrete plan. My issue in the past was giving her lip service and then putting the problem on the back burner. I'm going through with the doctor tomorrow and will follow whatever recommendation they give me. I know that hurt a lot of bonding because we ended up sleeping separately which meant we rarely woke up beside each other. I so much regret allowing that to go on, but I was so involved with trying to keep my job during the pandemic that I just put it aside. 

The other issues with not feeling like I am serious can be worked through. I wanted an engagement in 2021. She never gave me a deadline for something like that, but she had given me an age that she wanted to be pregnant, which is several years out. I am more than willing to sit down with her parents and have a serious talk about any issues and let them know that despite my mistakes in the past, their daughter means the world to me and I will do what is necessary to ensure she and they know that. I don't want to run from these problems. 

But you may be right. She may be completely done and not interested in hearing me out or giving me another chance. Perhaps if I hear that from her, or I am ignored, it will help me move on faster. 

[trident_2020]

57 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

I am more than willing to sit down with her parents and have a serious talk about any issues

This isn't about her parents. Leave them out of it.

[tart6245]

43 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

This isn't about her parents. Leave them out of it.

I would not involve them unless she required it. I have no idea what her family thinks of the whole situation

[Acacia98]

13 hours ago, tarheelian said:

I am merely saying that because of what she said during the breakup - "you aren't even emotional, you don't really care / you were never totally happy" etc. Of course, I understand that it could just be a tactic she's using to put things on me. 

Or maybe she was just doing what 90% of people do when they break up: they convince themselves the other person was terrible, didn't care, etc. so that they can move on with minimal guilt. They also do that because they don't want to examine their contributions to the failure of the relationship.

In response to those words, I would say the following: Everyone is emotional; they just express it differently. You cared; otherwise, you wouldn't be here. And who the heck is totally happy, anyway? 

Maybe some of what she says rings true, in which case, you should do some soul-searching and try to address the genuine issues. But if it isn't true (or even if it is), you can't keep viewing her as God, whose favor you have to spend the rest of your life tying to win. She was human. Just like you. She must have made mistakes and hurt you during the course of your relationship, just like you did her.

Edited December 30, 2020 by Acacia98

[Acacia98]

11 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I read this all the time on this forum. A guy gets dumped, then follows up with these piddly little messages, and gives up when he doesn't hear anything back. And I'm thinking of course no woman is going to respond to such a weak effort. It would take a whole lot more than that to get her back.

If getting her back is ideal or is even a possibility.

Sometimes relationships end for good reason and should stay ended. And sometimes a person is done, no matter what elaborate lengths the other person goes to to win them back. And sometimes, in either case, insisting on fighting for the person does more harm than good to the "fighter."

[tart6245]

7 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Or maybe she was just doing what 90% of people do when they break up: they convince themselves the other person was terrible, didn't care, etc. so that they can move on with minimal guilt. They also do that because they don't want to examine their contributions to the failure of the relationship.

In response to those words, I would say the following: Everyone is emotional; they just express it differently. You cared; otherwise, you wouldn't be here. And who the heck is totally happy, anyway? 

Maybe some of what she says rings true, in which case, you should do some soul-searching and try to address the genuine issues. But if it isn't true (or even if it is), you can't keep viewing her as God, whose favor you have to spend the rest of your life tying to win. She was human. Just like you. She must have made mistakes and hurt you during the course of your relationship, just like you did her.

I have not determined whether I will try to reach out or not. I am noticing things a week and a half out of this that I did not notice a week ago and some of the things she did (and did not do) that I requested of her. I know it is not like she did everything right and I was the failure. And she did hurt me multiple times during the course of our dating. She wasn't perfect. Perhaps you're right in that those words were hurt absolving herself of all blame so she can move on without a care in the world. I don't know. 

[tart6245]

7 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

If getting her back is ideal or is even a possibility.

Sometimes relationships end for good reason and should stay ended. And sometimes a person is done, no matter what elaborate lengths the other person goes to to win them back. And sometimes, in either case, insisting on fighting for the person does more harm than good to the "fighter."

I know reaching out could end up hurting more than it helps. She could ignore me or tell me for sure she is completely done and never to speak to her again. The chance that happens is higher than her being receptive to speaking. I understand that much. Worst case is she gets angry at me, but when we broke up, she just asked I not contact her during the middle of the day to disrupt work, not necessarily to never contact her again

Edited December 30, 2020 by tarheelian

[ExpatInItaly]

Let's say for a moment that you two did reconcile and gave it another shot. 

I think you would feel incredibly insecure in the relationship, never knowing when she might decide to up and leave without warning - again. It would be an uphill battle not to fight your anxiety every time you're out and she's not picking up, even though she's meant to be at home. Believe me, you would start fearing that she's suddenly left again. My prediction is that you would find it tremendously difficult to feel secure and relaxed enough to really lean into the relationship, and hard to re-establish trust that you can take her at her word if she reassures you.

My point is that while I'm sure you have things you can work on, she has also done significant damage by handling things this way. It wouldn't be fair to you to do all the heavy lifting. She has work to do too, if she did decide to come back to you. It would take a lot of effort from both of you to make it work a second time around. 

[tart6245]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Let's say for a moment that you two did reconcile and gave it another shot. 

I think you would feel incredibly insecure in the relationship, never knowing when she might decide to up and leave without warning - again. It would be an uphill battle not to fight your anxiety every time you're out and she's not picking up, even though she's meant to be at home. Believe me, you would start fearing that she's suddenly left again. My prediction is that you would find it tremendously difficult to feel secure and relaxed enough to really lean into the relationship, and hard to re-establish trust that you can take her at her word if she reassures you.

My point is that while I'm sure you have things you can work on, she has also done significant damage by handling things this way. It wouldn't be fair to you to do all the heavy lifting. She has work to do too, if she did decide to come back to you. It would take a lot of effort from both of you to make it work a second time around. 

I have wondered how I would ever be able to trust her again if we were able to reconcile. Breakups like this don't happen every day where one side just packs up and leaves without warning while playing off as everything is normal up until they're gone. I get that. 

That's why I am giving this some time before I decide whether it's even worth it to reach out. I heard her loud and clear when she left, and her reasons were valid, but the manner in which she left is a major issue since she told me she was 100% in the relationship 2 weeks before leaving. While I always had my fears that she was not all in before, a second try at making things would make those fears even more pronounced since she packed up and left without warning already. 

 

[tart6245]

I guess the only reason I am sort of optimistic on this one is that unlike past relationships, there seemed to be no serious structural problem (cheating, drug use, lies, etc). It's very possible we just are not right for each other, and in time I will accept that, but I'd hate to lose her forever over snoring and her belief that I was not serious about moving the relationship forward. It may be too little too late, but I just don't know.