Affair with my boss

[Rach930]

I’ve been dating my married boss for 4 months. I’ve been working there for 2 yrs and we always had a connection. We got drunk at a work Holiday party last year and left together to go to a bar and made out a little bit.  Just random flirting after that and friends. But everything changed when we started sleeping together in September. He and his wife are getting a divorce or so he says but when we started this the intention was never for either of us plan to be together forever or anything anyway. Neither of us want to get married again but I did tell him that I would like to be in a committed relationship again at some point whether it be him or someone else. I know I’d never be able to trust him in a relationship so it won’t work out. But for now he treats me nice, takes me to nice places and buys me little things.  We have a lot in common and sex is amazing.  My issue is that I do get really jealous sometimes when I think I’m not the only one.  He’s hooked up with other women before and I’m sure I won’t be the last but I guess I expect that when he’s with me I’m the only one. I know he’s not sleeping with anyone else but he is having intimate conversations with previous lovers which I just found out about last night. I read one of his emails and flipped out. Idk why it’s upsetting me so much.  Maybe just the thought of me not being enough for him.  I told him idk if I can continue knowing this and he was pretty upset at the thought of me leaving the relationship.  I’m sure we can go back to friends and coworkers if I decide to go that route but I don’t want to and I want to stop caring so much.  Idk what I’m even asking here. Just some support/advice I guess. Thanks 🙏🏼 

[healing light]

23 minutes ago, Rach930 said:

I know I’d never be able to trust him in a relationship so it won’t work out.

Sounds like you want an exclusive relationship and he's fine to have his cake and eat it, too. Ultimately, this makes your goals incompatible. You know he's not the monogamous type, not only from cheating with you, but also because of his conversations with other prospects. I would start looking to transfer departments at work or looking for other jobs and doing what you can in the meantime to maintain the one you have, since this guy isn't going to suddenly transform into what you want. I feel if you stick in this situation, you'll increasingly do the pick me dance and the more people find out about what's really going on (co-workers tend to have a 6th sense about this even when the parties involved think they are being stealth), your job and self-esteem could take a hit.

[SMoore]

You are becoming more and more attached.  The more attached you become, the harder it will be to leave and the more painful it will be when it all collapses.  If you would like to minimise the devastating mental agony and emotional pain then escape now.  If you would like to maximise the devastating mental agony and emotional pain, keep on going.  Those are the only two likely options you have, as far as I can see.

The problem is that you might read that and tell yourself that you will call it off, just not yet, and that you can handle the pain.

Maybe you can.  But don’t say you weren’t warned...

[BaileyB]

How is he going to handle it when you end it? Is it possible that you should be looking for another job, because I’m not sure how you will manage working for the man with the history you have, knowing that he’s possibly/probably having sex with the other women at the office? I wouldn’t be able to do it. And that is assuming that he doesn’t find a reason to end your employment when you end your affair. 

Edited December 23, 2020 by BaileyB

[Luna66star]

Why would you want to keep sleeping with this cheater?  How can you even trust this man?  He could be sleeping with others behind your back.  Probably is.  He's a player   You need to kick him to the curb and get yourself tested immediately!

Look to be transferred to another position in the company or apply to a new company.

He's majorly toxic for your emotional health!

 

 

 

 

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, Rach930 said:

My issue is that I do get really jealous sometimes when I think I’m not the only one.  He’s hooked up with other women before and I’m sure I won’t be the last but I guess I expect that when he’s with me I’m the only one. I know he’s not sleeping with anyone else but he is having intimate conversations with previous lovers which I just found out about last night. I read one of his emails and flipped out. Idk why it’s upsetting me so much.  Maybe just the thought of me not being enough for him.  I told him idk if I can continue knowing this and he was pretty upset at the thought of me leaving the relationship. 

Jealousy is not particularly rational, so you don't need a reason. I think at some level you expect "exclusivity" from him (apart from his wife, presumably). However, he apparently wants to play the field, married, single, or single but dating you. Think that's the reality of the situation.

My thought would be to see it for what it is, and then act accordingly. Many if not most people are not cut out for polyamorous relationships, so you're certainly not asking for anything crazy. Expecting to actually get it, in this situation, might be a bit crazy tho.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Rach930 said:

I’ve been dating my married boss for 4 months.

I’ve been working there for 2 yrs 

The best thing you can do is keep your LinkedIn profile updated with all your connections and experience as well as an updated resume.

When this goes south, either when he's done having fun or his wife catches on, he'll probably invent some reason you are going to be laid off/fired.

[d0nnivain]

17 hours ago, Rach930 said:

 I’m sure we can go back to friends and coworkers if I decide to go that route but I don’t want to and I want to stop caring so much.  Idk what I’m even asking here. Just some support/advice I guess. Thanks 🙏🏼 

No support here.  Cheating & infidelity are wrong. 

You can't go back to being friends & co-workers.  You are kidding yourself if you think that is an option.   It's less likely then him leaving his wife for you.  What he's doing is a violation of various sexual harassment laws & company policies.  He's your boss.  The law views him as abusing his power.  If the company finds out you are both subject to termination.

Get your resume updated.  Weasel a great written letter of recommendation out of him now while you are on good terms. 

This worm will turn & then where will you be?   Read the thread from the woman who's married BF just dumped her 2 weeks after she aborted his child.  He didn't want to take that risk again. 

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, Rach930 said:

I read one of his emails and flipped out. Idk why it’s upsetting me so much.  Maybe just the thought of me not being enough for him.

I don't know why it's upsetting you so much either considering he's married to someone else.  Of course you aren't enough for him as you were already sharing him with someone else and getting the short end of the stick.  He will always upgrade other OW.

[ABernie]

They all say they are getting a divorce, unless you see it registered on ecourts don't believe it.  I was stupid to believe bc I was going through a divorce at the time.

Edited December 24, 2020 by ABernie

[central]

Let's say he does get a divorce.  That does not mean he'll still want you, as his options will be greatly expanded once he's free to pursue them - and he probably would.

[BaileyB]

43 minutes ago, central said:

Let's say he does get a divorce.  That does not mean he'll still want you, as his options will be greatly expanded once he's free to pursue them - and he probably would.

He already is...

[Alvi]

Whatever makes you think he is ever going to be faithful to you OP? You are just one of the many many many women he dates. Even if he leaves his wife, a big if, do you think you going to be enough for him? 

Look for another job, and like someone said ask him for a reference letter while things are good between the two of you now.

[anika99]

20 hours ago, Rach930 said:

   I know he’s not sleeping with anyone else but he is having intimate conversations with previous lovers which I just found out about last night. I read one of his emails and flipped out. Idk why it’s upsetting me so much.   

How do you know he's not sleeping with anyone else? That's probably what his wife thinks too

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I think you went into this situationship with your eyes wide shut. Please don't mind my approach, but I'm going to assign some names to the players. You are Rachel, he is John, your feelings and needs are Needs.

Scene: Rachel and John are making out in the pub. Rachel is impaired on alcohol and love hormones, but her brain's pleasure center is screaming, "YASSSSS, I LIKE THIS!"

Next day, a little hungover, Rachel thinks, "Hmm I'm a teensy bit hung over, but that was fun!! More of that...yesss!"

Needs: Ummm, what about me?

Rachel: Shhhh. This is fun and who knows how long it will last? I'll get to you LATER!

Needs: Uh ok, I guess.

Repeat cycle over several months.

Needs: Hey, Rach, remember when we had that conversation a few months ago? You said you'd get back to me? Well I'm still waiting.

Rachel: Oh Needs, you're such a buzz kill, but I do feel badly for ignoring you.

Needs: OK so what are you going to do?

Rachel: Hold on, Needs. I'm going to think it over and get back to you.

Needs: Okaaaaay, I guess.

More time passes.

Needs: Hey Rachel, I'm still here waiting.

Rachel: Ugh, Needs, you are always popping up at an inconvenient time.

Needs: Well, yeah, but I'm a part of you so you can't ignore me forever.

Rachel: Needs, the truth is, John is so much fun. When I'm with him, I get to forget about all the not fun stuff in my life (including you).

Needs: Well How's that working out for you? It's not working out for me! I'm going to start screaming at you constantly until you finally begin paying attention to me! 

Rachel: Oh Needs, what am I going to do? John likes me but he doesn't like you! I don't really want to give up John, because he really lights up those pleasure centers occassionally, and usually just when I need to avoid something that makes me uncomfortable, like you Needs!

Needs: Well, you better figure it out, Rachel! Because I'm not going anywhere!!!!! I'm going to be right here demanding you pay attention to me until you finally do!

Rachel realizes her quandary. She can't please Needs and still have John in her life. What will she do???

(Hint: there are only two choices...1) leave John alone and attend to Needs, or 2) Keep ignoring Needs until you are mentally ill.)

Hope this helps, OP!

[LeoLady888]

Rach,

Here is a scenario you might want to think about:-

My exH cheated with a girl at work (he was her boss). I found out, filed for divorce and the solicitor asked him to leave the marital home (which he did a month later). I got the divorce in 4 months.

6 years later he was still seeing her but they were living in separate houses. 

Then suddenly she got pregnant and they got married.

So she finally 'got her man'.

Is this what you want for yourself - another woman's cast-offs?

Don't you think you deserve better?

Your choice.

[Watercolors]

On 12/23/2020 at 3:34 PM, Rach930 said:

I’ve been dating my married boss for 4 months. I’ve been working there for 2 yrs and we always had a connection. We got drunk at a work Holiday party last year and left together to go to a bar and made out a little bit.  Just random flirting after that and friends. But everything changed when we started sleeping together in September. Idk what I’m even asking here. Just some support/advice I guess. Thanks 🙏🏼 

Stop sleeping with your bosses and supervisors. Is this the first time you’ve done this at your workplace? Or, do you have a penchant for undermining your own self-worth, and sabotaging your own work/career path? 

Nothing good can come from this scenario. Nothing good. 

Look for another job and leave as soon as you can. 

[Narie]

End it. It seems you are starting to get attacnedor maybe even fell for him but he is not the right man  for that kind of relationship you are wishing for. He's better suited as A FWB.