Ex-girlfriend dumped me 2 days ago and now wants to meet up on Christmas, not sure what to do.

[turokturok5]

 

We'd been together 3 years and she dumped me because she felt we were not at the same stage in our lives - she was ready to settle down and didn't feel like I could give her the love she needed, I have just started a new career and have been focusing too much on work. She felt like the love she has been giving me has not been reciprocated for a long time. 

We had broken up over video call and met up last night to talk face to face. I basically put everything on the line and let her know how much I loved her and that I wanted it to work, but understood that if her feelings were not there anymore then there was no hope. I just wanted to have no regrets and do everything I could to try save the relationship, but she stood firm to the breakup.

I gave her some Christmas presents for her and her family and she broke down in tears. Then when I dropped her off at home, she was telling me that she still loved me but just didn't think it could work out, but was trying to stop me from leaving and asking me to come stay the night with her, I said it was a bad idea to let it drag on if she had no intentions of remaining a couple and left. Later that night she began texting me to thank me for meeting up with her and asked if she could call me today.

When she called me she was "just checking up on me" and wanted to meet up tomorrow to give me my Christmas present (which she bought today after realizing I had bought her and her family gifts). I'm conflicted right now as I don't want to meet her if its just for her to give me a present, as I feel like it would hurt me more than I would appreciate the sentiment. But at the same time, I care about her and don't want to be an a**h***. What should I do?

TLDR; dumped 2 days ago and ex wants to meet up to give me a Christmas present

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, turokturok5 said:

 I don't want to meet her if its just for her to give me a present, as I feel like it would hurt me more than I would appreciate the sentiment. 

Trust your instincts on this. Once someone breaks up, they lose their rights to you and your caring.

Do you think she broke up as an ultimatum device?

[turokturok5]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Trust your instincts on this. Once someone breaks up, they lose their rights to you and your caring.

Do you think she broke up as an ultimatum device?

I don't think it was an ultimatum. I understand the break up from her point of view. She is a few years older than me and all of her closest friends are getting married and having kids which is what she wants. I want it to, but I don't feel like I'm in a position to have that for at least a few years. She doesn't want to wait...

[Beachead]

Hey Turokturok5,

I've had a lot of experiences with being broken up with as well as hurting a few and I'll tell you this much..the decision to break it off with you, didn't arrive suddenly.  Especially for a person who had a 3 year relationship.   I can wager, she thought about doing it for a long time, before she executed the decision.  Weighed out the pros and the cons through the process.  Struggled with her fears, doubts and guilt of doing it. This feeling for her could have began several months in advance, while you two were hanging out, intimate, but especially when she was on her own.   

I trust you gave your all to that relationship for 3 years, which means that she had your best for 3 years.  Her breaking it off means those 3 years together, building a life, memories, experiences, didn't convince her you were the man for her.  So what impact do you believe you have after the fact? 

Don't get caught up in her tears, "checking up on you" or buying you a present for Christmas. It's all driven by this incredible guilt for hurting you.  Right now, she feels like a horrible person..especially after seeing the presents you bought her and her family.  And now for her conscious, she needs to square things, so that she can walk away with a peace of mind.  That is her motivation right now.  It's not because she wants to get back together again.  

She is for the moment, acting impulsively, rather than remembering and respecting the thought process that led to her decision to end it.

I'm not saying you two can never get back together in the future but I am saying, right now..this thing is over.   Once a person utters the words "I want to break up" take it seriously.  It wasn't blurted out impulsively.   Respect the weight and meaning behind those words.  Recognize that a long thought-process went into it.  It likely won't be something you can talk through together.  I'll tell you, if she was interested in fixing things, she'd have talked to you way before, rather than have kept it to herself, so that you two could succeed.  People committed to a future don't sabotage the relationship and set it up to fail like that.  They only do that when they've lost interest.  

You two may get back together right now but I have a good feeling, whatever made her want to breakup the first time, will resurface and show it's ugly face again.  This is something, she will have to sort out on her own, without you in the picture.

I personally, would not meet up with her tomorrow to get the present but if you feel like you need to, then meet up with her briefly, take her present, and wish her well.  After that, don't talk to her again.  She may try to get in touch with you over the next month for whatever reasons, but I don't believe it will be for the reason you hope for (Her wanting you back) ..it'll be because of guilt and uncertainty and other self-interested motivations.

- Beach

Edited December 24, 2020 by Beachead

[assertives]

If she has already bought the Christmas presents for you and your family specially because you bought hers gifts, then I would say you should meet her to pick them up. It would be quite rude not to, especially since she only bought them to reciprocate the gift giving you initiated. But don't stay any minute longer than necessary just to facilitate the collection of the gifts. 

[d0nnivain]

Because you want to get back together, go meet her.  Get the presents.  Show her by your actions that she was wrong -- show her you do love her & want to move forward if you are ready to settle down.  After 3 years I can understand why she is pushing for a deeper commitment.  You have a career now.  What is stopping you from taking the next step?  Answer that Q before you do anything. 

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, turokturok5 said:

I want it too, but I don't feel like I'm in a position to have that for at least a few years.

Why not?
You have spent 3 years with this woman, what were your plans or were you just stringing her along?

Few women are going to wait longer than 3 years on a maybe...
If you do not see yourself marrying her asap, then let her go, do not torture her any longer.

[Beachead]

@turokturok5

5 hours ago, turokturok5 said:

I don't think it was an ultimatum. I understand the break up from her point of view. She is a few years older than me and all of her closest friends are getting married and having kids which is what she wants. I want it to, but I don't feel like I'm in a position to have that for at least a few years. She doesn't want to wait...

Didn't see this response so I'll address it..

What was going on with your life situation when you two met and where are you now?  Are you still climbing the career ladder? Does your job provide a reasonable level of security (Though today, nothing is really secure), and do you have the savings for this?  

Though I understand the pressure she feels seeing everyone around her getting married and having children (Biological clock is ticking as well)..I still don't think it's a valid reason to rush into marriage, if you two are not ready financially.  3 years or not...life costs. Homes aren't cheap.  Cars and commuting isn't cheap.  Bills and expenses aren't cheap.  Weddings aren't cheap.  Not everyone is brought in the same financial situation. Some have a better start to life than others and that also has to be taken into account when assessing this problem, of whether she is being reasonable or not.  

Whatever the case, financial position, security and compatibility in spending and saving matters. I've learned it is a massive driver for divorce..so your concerns are legitimate. 

Talk to her tomorrow after you pick up the present.  See what she has to say.

Edited December 24, 2020 by Beachead

[assertives]

28 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@turokturok5

Didn't see this response so I'll address it..

What was going on with your life situation when you two met and where are you now?  Are you still climbing the career ladder? Does your job provide a reasonable level of security (Though today, nothing is really secure), and do you have the savings for this?  

Though I understand the pressure she feels seeing everyone around her getting married and having children (Biological clock is ticking as well)..I still don't think it's a valid reason to rush into marriage, if you two are not ready financially.  3 years or not...life costs. Homes aren't cheap.  Cars and commuting isn't cheap.  Bills and expenses aren't cheap.  Weddings aren't cheap.  Not everyone is brought in the same financial situation. Some have a better start to life than others and that also has to be taken into account when assessing this problem, of whether she is being reasonable or not.  

Whatever the case, financial position, security and compatibility in spending and saving matters. I've learned it is a massive driver for divorce..so your concerns are legitimate. 

Talk to her tomorrow after you pick up the present.  See what she has to say.

Frankly, I think all of the above is a moot point at this stage. She wants to proceed to the next stage, and he doesn't for whatever reasons however valid they may be. She has obviously accepted his choice, and in turn made her own decision about her life and decided that she wants to move on. Like she said to him, ultimately, they are at different points in life. He is not ready to move at her pace, that's perfectly fine. She is not willing to wait and kick the can down the road any longer so they are no longer compatible as their life goals no longer align. I honestly think OP should let this go. Hanging on in this instance will only breed resentment and waste everyone's time. 

[trident_2020]

You don't marry someone just to make them happy.

You're in different places, she clearly wanted out and now she's second guessing her decision, and stringing you along.

Go dark. Let her feel what life is like without you. Maybe down the line, you'll reconsider and give HER another chance. But it's going to be on your terms or not at all.

 

 

 

[mortensorchid]

5 hours ago, assertives said:

If she has already bought the Christmas presents for you and your family specially because you bought hers gifts, then I would say you should meet her to pick them up. It would be quite rude not to, especially since she only bought them to reciprocate the gift giving you initiated. But don't stay any minute longer than necessary just to facilitate the collection of the gifts. 

Absolutely not.  If she was inconsiderate enough to break up with you just before Christmas, then she can return the items she got for you.  If it's something she made (baked cookies, knitted a sweater, painting, etc.) she can keep them for herself.  Don't feel that you NEED to receive or exchange things with her.  Unless it's something extraordinary (ex. taking a vacation / trip together), there is no need to feel guilt or anger or whatever else.  

[Interstellar]

Don’t meet up with her. When it’s over, it’s over.

She can keep the “gifts.” Give it to the turkey she’s gonna date next or whatever.

[assertives]

12 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

Absolutely not.  If she was inconsiderate enough to break up with you just before Christmas, then she can return the items she got for you.  If it's something she made (baked cookies, knitted a sweater, painting, etc.) she can keep them for herself.  Don't feel that you NEED to receive or exchange things with her.  Unless it's something extraordinary (ex. taking a vacation / trip together), there is no need to feel guilt or anger or whatever else.  

Actually, the sentiment for my comment is because he said she went to buy stuff in return for the gifts that he still chose to gift her and her family after breaking up. Which also means she probably didn't have any intention of getting anything had he not gifted her the gifts. I saw it as a pay back thing, to not want you and your family be "owing" the ex boyfriend gifts since they are already broken up. He doesn't need to feel guilt or anger about it, but it's obviously bothering him enough to start a whole thread about it.

[LynneVicious]

Don’t meet her. You don’t “owe her” anything. She wants to keep you in her orbit by buying gifts for you, calling to check on you and wanting to meet. 
 

If you want to heal and move on, decline her request, tell her you’re going no contact then Do it. Anything else will delay your healing. 

[Beachead]

4 hours ago, assertives said:

Frankly, I think all of the above is a moot point at this stage. She wants to proceed to the next stage, and he doesn't for whatever reasons however valid they may be. She has obviously accepted his choice, and in turn made her own decision about her life and decided that she wants to move on. Like she said to him, ultimately, they are at different points in life. He is not ready to move at her pace, that's perfectly fine. She is not willing to wait and kick the can down the road any longer so they are no longer compatible as their life goals no longer align. I honestly think OP should let this go. Hanging on in this instance will only breed resentment and waste everyone's time. 

No disagreements from me as I agree with you.  But also, what I'd do for myself is different from how I"d advise someone else.  In a relationship, I'm very communicative and forward about my feelings so my partner knows whats up.  So I can easily imagine if it were me, I'd walk away, simply because I know better, than to entertain someone who arrived to the conclusion that they wanted to end it, after I gave them 3 years of my life. If who I was, up to this point wasn't enough to convince them..nothing else going forward would.  I gave the best I had.  It wouldn't be easy, but it would be the best move. 

But for the OP, I don't know his situation personally or how he was in the relationship, so I am a little more lenient with the advice. Ultimately, OP knows best.

 

Edited December 24, 2020 by Beachead

[timble9]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I've decided to let her know that I don't think its a good idea to meet up with her. I made it clear that I still loved her and wanted to make it work as a couple the other night, she made it clear that the romance was gone for her and she no longer saw me as a romantic partner but rather a friend.

For some more context, I only started my career 6 months ago as a casual employee and have been working full time- 12-14 hour days and would have to return home and study. I had been neglecting her and basically everything else in my life to try and get my career going as it's really difficult to find work in my field and being a casual I have no job security and could be out of work next week.

Despite how busy I've been at work, I had recognized that I had been neglecting her needs and was looking forward to the holidays to spend some quality time with her. If she just wants to meet as her friend tomorrow to exchange a gift, it will do me more harm than good because in my mind I had pictured this time of year where I finally had some time off as the time I could show her how much I truly cared about her. But for her, it seems like her actions are more out of guilt that I had got her and her family presents.

Before I gave her the presents, she was very closed off emotionally when we were talking. Basically saying that there was no romantic love anymore, just friendship. When she realized I had got her and her family gifts, she started to panic and say that there was love but she didn't feel like I could give her the love she needed, that she didn't want to give me hope but things sometimes work out down the track etc etc. then there was the whole inviting me back to her place and not wanting to let me go. But I guess guilt has a way of doing this to people?

[Marc878]

I’m afraid you are delaying the inevitable.

You don’t breakup with someone you’re in love with.

If you go back you’ll probably get this again.

it’s Christmas and she’s just nostalgic. That’s all.

let her go.

[Marc878]

2 hours ago, timble9 said:

Thanks for the replies everyone. I've decided to let her know that I don't think its a good idea to meet up with her. I made it clear that I still loved her and wanted to make it work as a couple the other night, she made it clear that the romance was gone for her and she no longer saw me as a romantic partner but rather a friend.

correct

For some more context, I only started my career 6 months ago as a casual employee and have been working full time- 12-14 hour days and would have to return home and study. I had been neglecting her and basically everything else in my life to try and get my career going as it's really difficult to find work in my field and being a casual I have no job security and could be out of work next week.

if she doesn’t understand this you have no future anyway

Despite how busy I've been at work, I had recognized that I had been neglecting her needs and was looking forward to the holidays to spend some quality time with her. If she just wants to meet as her friend tomorrow to exchange a gift, it will do me more harm than good because in my mind I had pictured this time of year where I finally had some time off as the time I could show her how much I truly cared about her. But for her, it seems like her actions are more out of guilt that I had got her and her family presents.

correct

Before I gave her the presents, she was very closed off emotionally when we were talking. Basically saying that there was no romantic love anymore, just friendship. When she realized I had got her and her family gifts, she started to panic and say that there was love but she didn't feel like I could give her the love she needed, that she didn't want to give me hope but things sometimes work out down the track etc etc. then there was the whole inviting me back to her place and not wanting to let me go. But I guess guilt has a way of doing this to people?

It’s Christmas and she doesn’t want to be alone. Why be her fill in?

[Beachead]

2 hours ago, timble9 said:

But I guess guilt has a way of doing this to people?

Yep. And if you're the one being dumped, your emotional state is likely liable to buying into the actions caused by by that guilt..which will leave you hurt.  Your ex knows what she wants.  She's just too weak to execute the plan right now.   But I promise you, if you stick around, you will only be put through a miserable process of ups and downs eventually leading to her leaving.  Save yourself the time and energy right now and bow out gracefully.  The moment a partner utters the words "I want to break up". ..take it seriously.  It didn't come from out of the blue.  It was thought through.  There isn't much you can do to convince her to work on the relationship at this point.

She may continue to try and reach out because of her guilt because of all the time you two have spent together, but if I were you..I would ignore it and stay silent.  

- Beach

Edited December 25, 2020 by Beachead

[timble9]

So she called me and asked me to meet up with her tonight so she could give me the gifts she got me and my family. I let her know that because I still loved her and because she had broken up with me, I had to look out for myself now, that it would be too painful with the mixed messages she was sending and that I couldn't do it.

She started crying and apologizing for calling me again, telling me how special I am to her, how much I mean to her, how much she still loves me, how she only wants me to be happy and can't bear the thought of listening to me upset, that if we're meant to be together in the future then things will work out in the end. We probably just cried on the phone to one another for 15 minutes until I wished her the best and asked her not to contact me again. 

I know I'll be okay in the future. Around this time 10 years ago I was in another relationship with a girl I thought was perfect in every way, a rare find and someone I would spend the rest of my life with. When that ended I didn't think I would ever find someone remotely close to her again. I saw a post on facebook last week that she was engaged and pregnant and felt nothing. It pains me to think that one day I'll look upon my now most recent ex who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with in the same way. Feels like a part of me has died inside  

Edit: Thank you everyone for the support

Edited December 25, 2020 by timble9

[timble9]

All her family have just started messaging me and telling me how devastated they are now as well, why is this so hard  

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, timble9 said:

All her family have just started messaging me and telling me how devastated they are now as well.

Oh yikes. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

She had excellent reasons for ending it. Don't drag it out.

The family harassing you is unbelievable. Let them deal with thier daughter and her decision.

 

[elaine567]

She was quite firm in her resolve until you produced the Christmas presents and caused her to wobble.
This is temporary and not a sign she wants to get back with you, just  an emotional reaction.
Dumpers can get very upset, especially when presented with the result of their actions, but it usually does not mean they have changed their mind.
Once out of the emotional turmoil of dealing with the ex, they get clarity and regret nothing.
Here she wants to find a man to marry her, you are not that man, that cannot be changed so leave her alone and do not engage with her family.

[timble9]

53 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She was quite firm in her resolve until you produced the Christmas presents and caused her to wobble.
This is temporary and not a sign she wants to get back with you, just  an emotional reaction.
Dumpers can get very upset, especially when presented with the result of their actions, but it usually does not mean they have changed their mind.
Once out of the emotional turmoil of dealing with the ex, they get clarity and regret nothing.
Here she wants to find a man to marry her, you are not that man, that cannot be changed so leave her alone and do not engage with her family.

I just got off the phone with my mum. Apparently my ex just called her balling her eyes out and saying that she still loved me and wanted to see me, but knew that I didn't want to see her anymore. I told her I didn't want to talk to her if she was going to keep sending me mixed messages...Does this sound like she is still just feeling guilty over the whole situation?

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, timble9 said:

I just got off the phone with my mum. Apparently my ex just called her balling her eyes out and saying that she still loved me and wanted to see me, but knew that I didn't want to see her anymore. I told her I didn't want to talk to her if she was going to keep sending me mixed messages...Does this sound like she is still just feeling guilty over the whole situation?

Ask your family to support you and delete and block her And all her people from ALL their social media and messaging apps.

She can't have it both ways. Dump you then whine to everyone about it.

The more she whines to everyone the more manipulative it seems.

As if her dumping routine was to get you on your knees and propose. Well...it backfired. 

You dodged a bullet. Anyone who goes around casually breaking up and breaking hearts is sort of ruthless.

Edited December 25, 2020 by Wiseman2