Ex-girlfriend dumped me 2 days ago and now wants to meet up on Christmas, not sure what to do.

[Beachead]

@timble9

2 hours ago, timble9 said:

I just got off the phone with my mum. Apparently my ex just called her balling her eyes out and saying that she still loved me and wanted to see me, but knew that I didn't want to see her anymore. I told her I didn't want to talk to her if she was going to keep sending me mixed messages...Does this sound like she is still just feeling guilty over the whole situation?

It's that, it's fear for herself and her future..a few other things, that are self-serving in nature.  It's not for you or to help you.  It's about her right now.  She had the luxury of emotional comfort and security from you for 3 years and now she realizes it's gone and she is on her own.  She's scared she is making a mistake.  She's feeling anxiety. But her irrational behaviour is not her desiring to be with you and marry you.  Even if she does ask to get back together with you, I'd wager, it would only be because breaking up was too difficult and so to temporarily relieve the pain and anxiety of separation, she chooses the easy route.  At some point down the road, she'll gather her resolve and break it off again..because that's what's she truly wants. That's why this happened in the first place.   And you will be put through this misery again.

Look at this way if you are having trouble seeing this..she was the one who wanted to end it, so it makes no sense for her to cry to you and your family, that she wants to see you.  You're not doing it out of malice..you're doing it because this is what's best for you.  This is what a breakup is.  Both people part ways and neither of you can afford to accommodate the other person's emotional requirements, when you both have to direct that energy to yourself. It is just what is.  If she didn't want this result, then she shouldn't have broken it off.  The fact that she did, tells you everything you need to know.  Remember, this woman had your best for 3 years.  She made a conscious choice that it wasn't for her.  And while it's not her fault for wanting to breakup, that doesn't mean she gets to dump you and keep you around the way that she wants.   That's not fair to you.  

Currently, in her pain and anxiety, she is not looking out for your best interests..so make sure you are.

Overall dumping someone isn't always an easy process.  She was the other half of your relationship.  The memories and experiences that she shared with you, meant something to her as well so it can be extremely difficult to pull the plug and walk away.  Going by her current behaviour, I believe she will make this extremely hard for you over the next month, before she cools off and comes to her senses.  So for your sanity, I strongly advise you not to back down.   What you said here:

Quote

I let her know that because I still loved her and because she had broken up with me, I had to look out for myself now, that it would be too painful with the mixed messages she was sending and that I couldn't do it.

..was perfect.  Additionally, I would begin cutting ties with her and her family on social media.  Tell your family to do the same.  And no, this will not be easy but it will be necessary.

Take care of yourself because losing a love is certainly not easy.  You will need all the strength you can get, to grieve and heal.  

- Beach

 

 

 

Edited December 25, 2020 by Beachead

[tart6245]

I too was dumped 4 days before Christmas. Don’t go back to her. You’re just going to make the pain worse. She felt it necessary to cruelty dump you right before the holidays. Let her live with that on her own and go completely dark. 

[assertives]

Hang in there. Unfortunately, guilt isn't enough to make a relationship work. Ultimately, you are both incompatible and are at very different phases in life. The issues for the breakup are still very much present and isn't going away anytime soon. You both want different things. So don't cave and contact her, it will only prolong the suffering and delay the inevitable for both of you. 

[Marc878]

Words never mean much. Her actions everything.

Block and move on. Inform everyone you don’t want to hear anything more.

Edited December 25, 2020 by Marc878

[Millennial]

You sort of engaged in gift-giving with her. So go through with that, no hard feelings, and then just do your own thing.

[Ruby Slippers]

On 12/24/2020 at 10:46 AM, elaine567 said:

If you do not see yourself marrying her asap, then let her go, do not torture her any longer.

I agree with this completely. Women who want kids don't have the luxury of waiting around for years for a guy to figure out what he wants to do. She made the wise decision to move on from years of "dating" you with no progression so she can find a man who's on the same page as her, wants to get married and start a family in a reasonable time frame. That's clearly not you, so make a clean break and let the healing begin.

[turokturok5]

I just wanted to provide an update (btw I'm also timble 9 to avoid confusion, had another account from a while back and I keep forgetting passwords lol). I'm currently in the anger phase I think and feel the need to vent. I've never really reflected on the relationship too much up until the last few days where her break-up has forced me to and I feel like I've been very harsh on myself and shouldered most of the blame. I feel largely responsible for the relationship breaking down because she said she needed more "love" and "passion" and it just wasn't there in the last few months, coupled with my decision to want to wait until January to move out. 

About 8 months ago she had started working a casual full-time job that had very long hours whilst I was only working part-time, she was very stressed and had very little time to make an effort to see me which was made more difficulty by us both living at our parents of course. And yet, I supported her all the way. I always listened to her vent and complain on the phone, on the days I wasn't working I would drive to her house (we live an hour apart) to spend some time with her after work, if not just for a few hours to just cuddle her and be there with her whilst she was struggling, then I'd get up early in the morning with her to drop her off at work. 

Around the time I started working full time she had quit her job and was no longer working and suddenly I was the one who was working very long hours, was very stressed and had very little time for anything else. And yet, I cannot recall a single time in the last 6 months when I had been working where she made the effort to come to my house during a day off to just wind down with me and let me know that everything was going to be okay. Not a single time, I think I had asked her at some point but she told me it was a waste of time because I would be getting up early and she would want to sleep in. Then when I was at the peak of my struggle, she decides to give me an ultimatum that would make or break the relationship (the moving out of home). In retrospect, if I hadn't been living at home with my parents support during the last few months of my job I would have gotten too overwhelmed and quit. 

I guess I'm just really angry that she feels like I didn't love her enough to progress the relationship and yet I've always been there to support her no matter what the circumstances, but when I'm the one who is struggling with life, she just blamed me for not putting enough effort into the relationship, for being to immature and showing a lack of commitment and she abandons me for it. I really want to tell her all of this but know it will do no good, so I'm just venting my frustrations on here

[d0nnivain]

On 12/24/2020 at 7:28 PM, timble9 said:

I only started my career 6 months ago as a casual employee and have been working full time- 12-14 hour days and would have to return home and study. I had been neglecting her and basically everything else in my life to try and get my career going as it's really difficult to find work in my field and being a casual I have no job security and could be out of work next week.

* * *

Before I gave her the presents, she was very closed off emotionally when we were talking. Basically saying that there was no romantic love anymore, just friendship.

 

36 minutes ago, turokturok5 said:

I guess I'm just really angry that she feels like I didn't love her enough to progress the relationship and yet I've always been there to support her no matter what the circumstances, but when I'm the one who is struggling with life, she just blamed me for not putting enough effort into the relationship, for being to immature and showing a lack of commitment and she abandons me for it. I really want to tell her all of this but know it will do no good, so I'm just venting my frustrations on here

 

You need to talk to her.  From what you wrote you both failed to communicate & that is what killed this relationship.  It could have been saved had either of you addressed the problems.

When she was working you called her but admit you didn't see her that much.  Your physical absence probably caused her to worry you didn't love her.  Once you started working & didn't have time for her while she had all the time in the world on her hands because her job ended, things got worse.  She lost her sense of purpose.  Then she worried more because you were absent & your relationship was on the pack burner.

You also admit that you neglected her.  Then you claim you have always been there for her.  Sorry but both can't be true. 

While you have been working 12-14 hour days she's been home with few outlets.  She longed for you & you ignored her.  That level of neglect does kill a relationship.  Yes, she should have come to you more but since you live at home with your parents, there are no good options for you two to have a romance. 

She reached out.  You slammed that door in her face because you are angry & fear letting her hurt you more.   This is a woman who WANTS you to chase her.  She wants to see that you care.  She says the romance died because to her your failure to be romantic suffocated her feelings.  She shut down to stop the pain you were causing. 

You have some time off now.  You have the ability to romance her.  But 1st you both need to talk about what went wrong.  Once you recognize that neither of you read the situation correctly & that you both failed to consider the other's position, this is pretty easy to fix if you both want to but it appears to me that you both seem to want to sulk & pout about what you each perceive as your righteous upset at the other's failures when the reality is neither of you cared about the other's perspective 

[Marc878]

On 12/25/2020 at 5:50 AM, timble9 said:

I just got off the phone with my mum. Apparently my ex just called her balling her eyes out and saying that she still loved me and wanted to see me, but knew that I didn't want to see her anymore. I told her I didn't want to talk to her if she was going to keep sending me mixed messages...Does this sound like she is still just feeling guilty over the whole situation?

I love you but I’m gonna dump you?

Let this one go. Unless you like drama.

[d0nnivain]

3 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

I love you but I’m gonna dump you?

 

Translation:  I love you but I think / fear you don't love me so I'm gonna dump you because if it's on my terms I don't feel as destroyed. 

[Marc878]

5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Translation:  I love you but I think / fear you don't love me so I'm gonna dump you because if it's on my terms I don't feel as destroyed. 

No communication skills at all. 
Walk away and find a grown up thats capable of a relationship.

Do you really want to be a baby sitter?

[Cookiesandough]

It sounds like guilt to me 

[turokturok5]

8 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

 

 

You need to talk to her.  From what you wrote you both failed to communicate & that is what killed this relationship.  It could have been saved had either of you addressed the problems.

When she was working you called her but admit you didn't see her that much.  Your physical absence probably caused her to worry you didn't love her.  Once you started working & didn't have time for her while she had all the time in the world on her hands because her job ended, things got worse.  She lost her sense of purpose.  Then she worried more because you were absent & your relationship was on the pack burner.

You also admit that you neglected her.  Then you claim you have always been there for her.  Sorry but both can't be true. 

While you have been working 12-14 hour days she's been home with few outlets.  She longed for you & you ignored her.  That level of neglect does kill a relationship.  Yes, she should have come to you more but since you live at home with your parents, there are no good options for you two to have a romance. 

She reached out.  You slammed that door in her face because you are angry & fear letting her hurt you more.   This is a woman who WANTS you to chase her.  She wants to see that you care.  She says the romance died because to her your failure to be romantic suffocated her feelings.  She shut down to stop the pain you were causing. 

You have some time off now.  You have the ability to romance her.  But 1st you both need to talk about what went wrong.  Once you recognize that neither of you read the situation correctly & that you both failed to consider the other's position, this is pretty easy to fix if you both want to but it appears to me that you both seem to want to sulk & pout about what you each perceive as your righteous upset at the other's failures when the reality is neither of you cared about the other's perspective 

I feel like you may have not read the whole story. I meant I was always there for her when she was at a time in her life when she was under a lot of pressure and didn't have a whole lot of time to see me. As I wasn't working full time, I always made the effort to go and see her to comfort her and help her through the difficult stage. When the roles were reversed and I was working 12-14 hour days and she wasn't working at all, she never made the effort to come and see me, I still always had to go to her despite having little time to do so. She "reached out to me" 2 days after she dumped me and I asked her to meet up with me and poured my heart out to her, told her I understood her position, told her what my position had been, told her how much I loved and wanted to talk through and work on the issues. I'm not sulking around because I'm too proud and don't want to make an effort, I'm sulking around because I had poured my hearted out to her, laid everything on the line and told her I wanted to fight to make it work. If she wasn't willing to understand my position and realize that I do love her, that life just got in the way and that I want to fight for us then how will romancing her help other than make me look desperate to her and push her even further away and make me suffer even more?

 

Edited December 28, 2020 by turokturok5

[d0nnivain]

Quote

If she wasn't willing to understand my position and realize that I do love her, that life just got in the way and that I want to fight for us then how will romancing her help other than make me look desperate to her and push her even further away and make me suffer even more?

Mostly I wanted you to listen to her POV.  At no point did I suggest you be desperate.  All I said was you should have met with her to get the presents she bought for you & your family & to hear her out. 

If you listened you would have heard her fears. 

[turokturok5]

22 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Mostly I wanted you to listen to her POV.  At no point did I suggest you be desperate.  All I said was you should have met with her to get the presents she bought for you & your family & to hear her out. 

If you listened you would have heard her fears. 

I understand that and I've really been wrestling with my thoughts, thinking I should reach out to her and and hear her out again, but I feel like she made her position very clear to me. When we had the video call, she let me know that her feelings had changed over time and she thought of me as a friend as opposed to a lover now, that she thought moving out together would make or break us but she no longer had the capacity to wait around and "see what happens" and hope for the best given that she had just turned 30 and wanted to have kids in the near future. She said that maybe if she was still in her mid 20's she would be more willing to give it a try as she wouldn't have the pressure of her biological clock. The presents she bought seemed like a knee jerk reaction to me having bought her presents, she admitted when I gave her presents from me that she hadn't thought of buying me any. 

When we met up in person a few days later her initial statement was that she was "surprised" that I wanted to talk as she felt like she had made her intentions very clear and didn't know what else there was left to say. After hearing my side of the story, yes it seemed to have rattled her a little bit but at the end of the day, I let her know that I loved her, that I wanted to make it work but I also understood from her point of view why it couldn't work anymore;  that if her feelings had changed and she no longer saw a future together, then she needed to stop contacting me and let me move on. There is nothing I want to do more right now than to call her and ask her to meet up with me again to talk, but to what end? It's not that I want to be "chased", I just feel like I just let her know everything I felt and had been feeling and that despite the struggles we have had, I valued our relationship and a future together and wanted to work through things, I feel like I laid everything on the table and that I am now powerless. It just feels like if I contact her again I'll just sound like a broken record, push her even further away from me and delay my own healing. 

I'm sorry to keep posting and dragging things on like this, I just feel really hurt, especially at this time of year and I don't have many people to talk to

[lovesflame]

I honestly think you still have a chance here if it's what you want. But as the other poster said you have to show that you really understand her point of view. take your ego out of it for a second and then tell her what you really appreciate about her and why you want her in your life and tell her you are aware that you didn't make her feel loved how SHE wanted to be loved and that you are listening now and willing to work.

If she rejects you, then you're in the same place. But you will feel better going out with deep love and compassion.

Look, I feel really bad for you right now, because I too am in pain with a breakup in Decemeber or a "break" or whatever is happening with me and my partner. She also said no romantic feelings anymore and I'm a friend but she loves me etc I don't really know what that means it seems like stress can get to a relationship and she betrayed it in her mind by not thinking of the best- if you don't water a relationship with positive thoughts by both people it slowly dies. I am sorry you are going through this.

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, turokturok5 said:

I understand that and I've really been wrestling with my thoughts, thinking I should reach out to her and and hear her out again, but I feel like she made her position very clear to me. When we had the video call, she let me know that her feelings had changed over time and she thought of me as a friend as opposed to a lover now, that she thought moving out together would make or break us but she no longer had the capacity to wait around and "see what happens" and hope for the best given that she had just turned 30 and wanted to have kids in the near future. She said that maybe if she was still in her mid 20's she would be more willing to give it a try as she wouldn't have the pressure of her biological clock. The presents she bought seemed like a knee jerk reaction to me having bought her presents, she admitted when I gave her presents from me that she hadn't thought of buying me any. 

When we met up in person a few days later her initial statement was that she was "surprised" that I wanted to talk as she felt like she had made her intentions very clear and didn't know what else there was left to say. After hearing my side of the story, yes it seemed to have rattled her a little bit but at the end of the day, I let her know that I loved her, that I wanted to make it work but I also understood from her point of view why it couldn't work anymore;  that if her feelings had changed and she no longer saw a future together, then she needed to stop contacting me and let me move on. There is nothing I want to do more right now than to call her and ask her to meet up with me again to talk, but to what end? It's not that I want to be "chased", I just feel like I just let her know everything I felt and had been feeling and that despite the struggles we have had, I valued our relationship and a future together and wanted to work through things, I feel like I laid everything on the table and that I am now powerless. It just feels like if I contact her again I'll just sound like a broken record, push her even further away from me and delay my own healing. 

I'm sorry to keep posting and dragging things on like this, I just feel really hurt, especially at this time of year and I don't have many people to talk to

turok, no need to apologize for continuing to post as LS is here to help folks work through breakups and sometimes that takes time. IMO you've handled the break up with class so that has made you more attractive to her.

She has done two things (besides breaking up with you!) that would underscore a no return to the R for me.

1. She friend-zoned you.

2. She's had other people contact your family and had her family contact you about getting back together.

To me, those two things alone would cause me not to want to get back together with someone. Add to those two things a third, which is huge, is that she felt strongly enough to take the step of breaking up with you. At which point, you let her know you loved her and wanted to work through things. That was her chance to reconsider if she loved you but she held firm.

Now you're no longer in the friend zone, and are now attractive enough to her to cause her to pursue you with her team in tow! What caused this change?

 

Edited December 28, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[turokturok5]

Thank you for the continued support everyone, look I've been processing this for like the last 4 days (I have to go back to work tomorrow booo) and I feel much, much better. I just hand-wrote like a 15 page book of reflecting on our relationship and picking it apart/analyzing it and I'm optimistic about my future and moving on, but I just feel really sad for her now. Her age has never been an issue for me, it's never something I had considered to be an issue or would be an issue in the future. We were on the same path, studying at uni together and taking things as they came and were headed in the same direction. I was talking to a close friend today and letting her know that we had broken up and about how how her age had been a significant contributor to the break up. She said that she wasn't surprised, as she had apparently questioned me about the age difference and if it would cause issues in the future and I didn't think that would be true.

Admittedly I didn't understand much about a woman's biological clock and how it can contribute to their choices in dating until the last few days, where I have been talking to female friends about my break up. I can't be sure how much being 29 turning 30 had affected my ex's decisions this year, all I know is we weren't really having any issues before this year. I can't help but feel sad because when she gave me the ultimatum about moving out or breaking up, it was very heated. It came out of nowhere and it had no context behind it, just a heated discussion about how she was 30 and needed the relationship to progress or else she was breaking up with me. She didn't sit down and confide in me as partner. She didn't explain that she was worried about her potential to safely have children and moving out was something she needed me to prioritize for her.

Maybe this is something I should have known but like I said, I didn't understand the biological clock much until I had retrospectively done my research. It felt like such a sudden and selfish request from my point of view at the time. She gave me an ultimatum at a time where I needed her support, where I was not coping well with my job and needed her to be there for me. Instead, she demands that I move out with her immediately or we break up. I just feel like if she had approached it in a different manner and let me honestly know her fears and concerns then we could have had a mature discussion about the issue, I could have reassured her and we could have come to a compromise.

Instead, I'm just going to move on from her now because on reflecting on our relationship this year, it's all been about her. I know now that she is likely to have had pressure from her biological clock and friends who are all settling down, but that's no excuse for her to have completely neglected my needs and what I wanted from the relationship. I have spent the whole year blaming myself for the shortcomings in the relationship, but I can't recall a single time where she had acknowledged and agreed to do something to help me feel important.

I feel like I have lost a part of my identity and the sense of who I am, because for the last 3 years who I was has been so closely intertwined with her. I guess it's natural to want to try and fix things because when you've lost that part of your identity the most obvious solution to resolving this crisis is to try and get them back, but instead I'm just going to focus on restoring my identity to my own self. She is her own person and will have to live with her choices, I just hope she doesn't realize that she has made a mistake and try to come back to me, I want her to find what she is looking for. All the great qualities she has, I have, hence why we were such a good match. I'll find someone with the same qualities again who will appreciate me and be willing to work through things when they get tough

[notbroken]

Don't be guilted into marriage.  Sorry, but your relationship with her is broken.   Don't 'wallow in the pain' any more than necessary by exchanging gifts.   Mourn a bit, accept blame where due, and move on.  

[tart6245]

I would not bother exchanging gifts or anything like that. That will just make the pain worse. My family ended up giving away the gifts they bought my ex when she dumped me 4 days before Christmas. She made her choice to do what she did, so she needs to live with the circumstances. As much as I want to reconcile things with my ex, I always wonder, if we ever do, if I could ever trust her again. It's very difficult to rebuild trust once it is broken.

[LivingWaterPlease]

29 minutes ago, turokturok5 said:

Thank you for the continued support everyone... I'll find someone with the same qualities again who will appreciate me and be willing to work through things when they get tough

I shortened your above post to save space on the thread. I'm impressed with your wisdom and maturity at such a young age. Can't recall (looked back and couldn't find) how old you are but thinking early to mid twenties?

Yes, you'll find your identity. It's natural for anyone who is in a R, especially long term, to begin to rely on their SO for a sense of identity to some extent. From how you write it seems to me you have a strong core of values and a good backbone and will be fine. 

[Beachead]

@turokturok5

Reading your posts, I think you have your head on straight, and you're currently doing all the right things for yourself, despite your heartbreak and grief..so good job.  It's a testament to your strength.  But watch yourself.  You're only 4 days into your breakup so things are fresh.   Even though you can rationalize your mind into the right direction, it can take time for your heart to catch up.  Allow yourself time to heal.  

About her behaviour..sometimes, when people start losing interest in the relationship (Because of their own reasons), they may act cold or blame you, to make themselves feel better about the breakup, they know they will be initiating in the future.   It's a coping mechanism.  That's not to say some of her reasons weren't legitimate or her feelings don't count.  I'm sure you made some mistakes that upset her BUT if she cared about your future, she'd talk about it with you.  Seems she did the opposite.  Kept you in the dark so that you had no chance to know what was going on, and so nothing was resolved.  One might even say, she sabotaged it because she didn't care enough to resolve things anymore.

Anyway, it seems everything has been discussed between you and her but she still chooses to remain broken up with you, so in my books, there's nothing left to say or do.  If there is any reconciliation left for the both of you, then I believe the best route towards it will be from cutting ties and going your own way.  The absence will do more work for her mind, than you can having a discussion with her.  But if she ever decides she made a mistake and contacts you, be leery about it.

Stay strong man.  Don't apologize for posting.  That's what this forum is there for.  Post and ask all the questions you need.  We're here for you.

- Beach

 

 

Edited December 28, 2020 by Beachead

[Commongoal123]

On 12/24/2020 at 9:14 AM, assertives said:

If she has already bought the Christmas presents for you and your family specially because you bought hers gifts, then I would say you should meet her to pick them up. It would be quite rude not to, especially since she only bought them to reciprocate the gift giving you initiated. But don't stay any minute longer than necessary just to facilitate the collection of the gifts. 

Don't do this.  She broke up with you.  You don't owe her anything.

You said you don't want to do it.  Listen to that.  Do what you want and don't do what you don't want.

Don't do something you don't want to do for the sake of your ex go who broke things off with you and was then reluctant to work on it with you after you heard her out on what the issues for her was.  That seems so childish on her part and I suspect her breaking up with you had to do with more than the reasons she gave you.  Because being willing to work on those reasons and then her saying "no" to you about it makes me pause for a moment...

Don't do it.  Her motives are mostly driven for herself.  Not selfless acts for you.  Been there.