How do you live together but separate

[Janay]

Having a very rough time in my marriage. We have one toddler. I want to seperate but due to circumstances he can't afford his own place. I want to see if seperation helps anything. How do you live in the same house but seperate? House has plenty of space. 

[trident_2020]

Interesting that if you separate your natural assumption is that HE has to get HIS own place but unfortunately HE can't afford it.

If you want out why not go move in with a friend or relative?

 

 

[Janay]

56 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Interesting that if you separate your natural assumption is that HE has to get HIS own place but unfortunately HE can't afford it.

If you want out why not go move in with a friend or relative?

 

 

Because I own the house and don't live in a community property state. 

[Happy Lemming]

Toddler??  How long have you been married??

[Janay]

6 yrs

[Janay]

21 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Toddler??  How long have you been married??

6yrs

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, Janay said:

6 yrs

Why do you want to separate?? Don't you think your toddler will miss Daddy??

After 6 years, what happened...   

[Janay]

I'm really looking for answers to the question I posed. 

A lot has happened. Toddler won't miss dad if he's still in the same house. 

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, Janay said:

...he can't afford his own place.

Pay him some alimony/spousal support, so he can afford his own place.

Problem solved.

[Happy Lemming]

Unless there is a guest house or apartment above the garage, I don't really see a way to separate under the same roof.  I'm assuming there is just one kitchen in the house.

Some companies rent trailers, if there is a way to hook up water/sewer/electric and room on the property for this type of trailer, then that could be an option.

[BaileyB]

My partner tried to do this with his ex-wife. I think he moved out to live with friends for a while, but that was unsustainable and probably not a great idea from a legal perspective. He moved back and lived in the basement until the divorce was final. He does not talk about it as a happy time - other than the memories that he has with his son when he lived in the basement. He had to force his wife out of the home (he bought her out, and still had to force her because she refused to leave). 

My point being, I’m sure that a lot of couples try to do this for financial reasons, but I can’t see it being a good long term solution. I’m honestly not sure how you share living accommodations with someone in this circumstance. It must be so difficult, for both partners. Good luck. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Janay said:

Having a very rough time in my marriage.  I want to seperate but due to circumstances he can't afford his own place. 

Get legally divorced. Let him rent space in your home until he can make other arrangements. Do you both work? Or work from home? What is the real reason you want to live together?  Can you afford the place without his income?

Have you already divided up areas such as separate bedrooms, bathrooms etc?  Is he abusive, cheating, drinking or do you simply not get along? At some level you know being contentious roommates will be even worse than being contentious spouses. It's untenable living together/staying married... or it's not.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

There is no neat formula or set of guidelines, and every unraveling marriage faces this problem at some point. I remember when my ex and I decided to divorce. Well there were several weeks left for us to live together before we both can move out. 

How to spend the time? OMG, I one point we went to the movies together. Why? Well ... why not? It was incredibly awkward around the apartment. There is no easy solution here. Sorry, this is the nature of separating from someone. Most of us don't have money to immediately move into a hotel until we can find new places to settle.  It was incredibly awkward and painful and odd. And yet, the truth is things would feel odd if one of you just immediately moved out. Things would still feel odd. There are bills you still have to work together on. I helped my ex shop for a new car (the main car she used was mine). I'm sure we cooked for each other. 

Just try to be polite. Try to hold back on criticizing or getting into arguments. He's still a human being and presumably you don't hate him, and his flaws as a partner don't reduce his status as someone you want to be decent to in this period. Yes, your body will be feeling mixed feelings and contradictory feelings. That's just part of the territory. 

Edited December 25, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Interstellar]

Simple. How about just designating one part of the house as his personal man cave/office or something. 

 

[Janay]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Get legally divorced. Let him rent space in your home until he can make other arrangements. Do you both work? Or work from home? What is the real reason you want to live together?  Can you afford the place without his income?

Have you already divided up areas such as separate bedrooms, bathrooms etc?  Is he abusive, cheating, drinking or do you simply not get along? At some level you know being contentious roommates will be even worse than being contentious spouses. It's untenable living together/staying married... or it's not.

 

I work and can maintain without him. Want to live together because he can't afford to live on his own right now. I think we need space to clear our heads and see if this is fixable or not. We simply are just not getting along. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Janay said:

I work and can maintain without him. Want to live together because he can't afford to live on his own right now. I think we need space to clear our heads and see if this is fixable or not. We simply are just not getting along. 

Ok, so you are trying to stay married, stay together. That's not "living separately" nor is it concern for his finances .

This is a very wierd attempt to bannish him to a part of your house yet remain very emotionally attached/dependent on him.

Sadly you seem to think separate areas living in a stand off is some sort of solution.

However it seems more like a lose-lose proposition. You're not single or free, you're just stuck in an unhappy marriage making matters worse 

It's odd you wish to work things out , but won't go to marriage therapy.

So what you want is simply separate bedrooms. No divorce. No therapy, right?

If you want to pull this off, what's your end goal and is your husband happy with your roommates idea?

[introverted1]

On 12/25/2020 at 3:31 AM, Janay said:

I work and can maintain without him. Want to live together because he can't afford to live on his own right now. I think we need space to clear our heads and see if this is fixable or not. We simply are just not getting along. 

Why don't you try marriage/couples counseling?  I don't see that living together apart will solve anything.  Assuming there aren't issues of abuse or cheating or drug/alcohol use, counseling might help.

Edited December 31, 2020 by introverted1

[stillafool]

On 12/24/2020 at 1:12 PM, Janay said:

Having a very rough time in my marriage. We have one toddler. I want to seperate but due to circumstances he can't afford his own place. I want to see if seperation helps anything. How do you live in the same house but seperate? House has plenty of space. 

Well you can move into the baby's room if you don't have a free extra bedroom.  You two have to agree to be cordial with each other because you don't want to be fighting around the baby.  Also you will have to decide what your boundaries will be.  Good luck.

[Cheryl Grey]

It didn't work for me after my partner and I split. We had a huge house, equivalent in size to at least 2 normal suburban houses. We could live and work there all day and not see each other, but for me, ending our relationship meant moving on and establishing a new home base was an important part for me. After a month of sharing the house I struggled and asked him to leave - we got along better after that and could resolve outstanding issues and move on.

[Vicky13]

Hi Janay,

I'm sorry to hear you are in such a difficult situation.

When I divorced me ex husband, 10 years ago, we stayed in the same house together for about 6 months.  From the moment we broke up it was my intention to move out, but at that time I couldn't afford to go anywhere immediately.  Out split was reasonably amicable, as we had realised we were practically living as housemates anyway.  We didn't have children, but here are some of the things that helped us:

• I moved into the spare room - I felt immense relief at having my own space, and I moved my things from the rest of the house into that space.  I had my own computer and TV in there.  If I'd been intending to stay more permanently as flat mates, I'd have arranged to have other space that was mine to, so we'd have each had our own bedroom and living room which were out of bounds to the other, without prior agreement.
• We both agreed to cook for ourselves, unless we made specific plans to share a meal.  This meant that we could concentrate on looking after ourselves.  This might not be right for you, but I think having a shared understanding of what is usual would avoid confusion and constant discussions about your meals.
• We were both out quite a lot which helped to give us both our own space, but as we had cats we had to stay in touch to make sure that there was someone there to feed them etc. as required.  This did mean that although we were separated, we still had to think about and accommodate each other.  It worked for us to do this on an ad hoc basis - I would generally be there to feed the cats, but if I was planning not to be I told him and he then made sure he was there - but I can imagine that for anything shared some kind of rota might work better for other people.  Perhaps, although you would both be there for your child you could assign each of you to be the responsible person on some kind of schedule (e.g., certain days, alternate weeks, whatever works for you), so that you don't have to keep checking in with each other and can live more independently.  
• I found that when I didn't have to constantly think about my husband and how my actions affected him, as we now had more separate lives, I took more responsibility for my career, and actually got a new higher paying job and my life got better.  You might find that if your partner may improve his situation so he can live independently.  Of course, I know nothing of your situation, so I could be completely off the mark with this.
• We separated everything financially as soon as possible so that we were both clear on our responsibilities, and this also helped me to budget properly to know when I could afford to move out.  It might help to think about how your finances impact what your situation will become: will it feel like you are friends sharing the bills and consumables, or will it be more like landlady and tenant with you each sharing any child related expenses.
• It might be good to talk about what happens if there are new partners on the scene.  Are they allowed to sleep over? Are they allowed in the house?  This is very personal and what works for someone else may not necessarily be the right thing for you.  I would suggest though that whatever the rules are for you two, they should be the same for you both even though you own the house, or it will only cause resentment. We were very open with each other about any new relationships, and I already knew his new girlfriend anyway, but we never had overnighters with our new partners in the house while we were sharing it.

And on the subject of parents splitting up, my parents stayed together although they didn't get on, because my mum though it was the right thing.  I think she was wrong, given the impact it had on me, and I'm not talking about abuse, just about growing up in a house with two people who so obviously didn't like each other, and giving me a template of a broken relationship to base my future relationships on.  If they could have lived separately, or found a way to live together in a more separate way like you are suggesting, while showing each other kindness not hostility, I believe it would have been much better for me.

I hope some of this is useful.  I can understand your desire to separate, but not kick your partner out, and to maintain some stability for your child.  I wish you luck and hope you can find a way to exist together or separately.

All the best,

Vx

[LittleDove78]

I feel like if you want to seperate to see if you want to work it out it wouldn't work. If I need time and my husband was here it would not work or be any different.