icequeen50 Posted December 24, 2020 Posted December 24, 2020 (edited) Boyfriend and I have been together for about 18 months. This is our second Christmas together. We are both 34/35 years of age. Last year, he went all out on me at Christmas time and I felt pretty spoiled. I also spoiled him and got him a very thoughtful gift, which he never actually used up until a few days ago, claiming he "forgot"about it. Today he has just informed me that he wants to "put Christmas off until next week" and he has nothing planned, no gifts ready. I on the other hand started getting ready months ago and once again purchased a few thoughtful gifts for him which totalled around $300. I also prepared a large Christmas meal for us which I organized and purchased myself. [edited to remove inappropriate language] Christmas with us is "on hold" until next week and I honestly just feel like telling him to forget about it... Edited December 25, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator edited to remove inappropriate language
Happy Lemming Posted December 24, 2020 Posted December 24, 2020 There are people who are planners and others who are not. I buy my girlfriend's gifts months in advance, plan the Christmas meal, etc. She goes out the day before and gets me a gift card from a local store and eats the meal I prepare. I told her not to bother with the gift card this year. Could your boyfriend have run into some unexpected financial difficulties this year?? Is "pay day" next week?? Perhaps he didn't budget well enough for December and something came up?? As a side note, I started shopping "on-line" for my girlfriend, (for Valentines Day) this morning. Hoping to get some after Christmas deals!! 4
d0nnivain Posted December 24, 2020 Posted December 24, 2020 This year has been hard. I know I haven't been in the Christmas spirit. It's Christmas Eve afternoon & I have nothing wrapped. At least he told you today not tomorrow when you were all excited waiting to give him his presents. Tell him you are upset & disappointed but try to make the best of it. Also figure out why he wasn't ready. He may be depressed / upset. I had a hard time because I like to in person shop but didn't feel comfortable doing that so I feel like it's all wrong. 4
poppyfields Posted December 24, 2020 Posted December 24, 2020 25 minutes ago, icequeen50 said: Boyfriend and I have been together for about 18 months. This is our second Christmas together. We are both 34/35 years of age. Last year, he went all out on me at Christmas time and I felt pretty spoiled. I also spoiled him and got him a very thoughtful gift, which he never actually used up until a few days ago, claiming he "forgot"about it. Today he has just informed me that he wants to "put Christmas off until next week" and he has nothing planned, no gifts ready. I on the other hand started getting ready months ago and once again purchased a few thoughtful gifts for him which totalled around $300. I also prepared a large Christmas meal for us which I organized and purchased myself. Am I an a**h*** for feeling like he really didn't give a s*** this year? Christmas with us is "on hold" until next week and I honestly just feel like telling him to forget about it... Well, putting Christmas "on hold" until next week defeats the purpose, may as well tell him to skip the whole thing, and he can surprise you another time. That is what I would do. And see if you can return the gifts. How is everything else going in your relationship? Have you noticed anything off about his behaviour, or the relationship in general? One doesn't need gifts to celebrate, you can make a lovely dinner at home, drink wine together (not expensive), listen to Christmas music, or watch Christmas moves. A card costs $2.00. He can write an inscription on it. I dunno, to simply want to put it "on hold" for one week, I cannot help feeling there is more to this. Like he may be planning to end the relationship but wants to wait until after the holidays, and feels uncomfortable celebrating when he knows he's about to end it. If me, I would flat out ask him about this. I do hope I am wrong, but the whole idea of it smells fishy imo. 1
mortensorchid Posted December 24, 2020 Posted December 24, 2020 First question is if he gave a reason for why he wanted to put things off for a bit. Is it a practical reason? (ex. work, health, etc.?) Second question is what else is going on in your relationship? It's been my experience that if he doesn't want to give you a present at all for an occasion (birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc.) then he is not that into you. Also it might be the kind of gift as well. Things like flowers, candy and jewelry are obvious. If it's something that is unique to your relationship and your personalities (ex. A mutual love of Star Wars) that's okay. But nothing? Well, then he's saying he's not that into you. And this is not advice for gold diggers, action speaks louder than words. 1 1
poppyfields Posted December 24, 2020 Posted December 24, 2020 Yeah, flowers would be lovely. $10.00. Talk to him OP. Again and jmo, but there is more to this. Hope I'm wrong.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 24, 2020 Posted December 24, 2020 How have things been between you in general, OP? And have you noticed that he's not been in the Christmas spirit this year? A lot of people aren't, but my guess is you'd probably have already noticed if he were just not his usual self given the chaos of 2020.
Happy Lemming Posted December 24, 2020 Posted December 24, 2020 A lot of items have been delayed in shipping this year. I sent a 2 day priority mail package out 10 days ago and it still hasn't gotten to its destination. Perhaps he ordered something really nice and it got delayed by USPS... 3
Ami1uwant Posted December 24, 2020 Posted December 24, 2020 I wonder if he ordered something for you and it hasn’t come in yet till after Xmas. this year with Xmas is very different and peop,e will handle it differently. For some if they are now unemployed or income cut in half could be an issue. If he’s the typewho doesn’t like shopping online but likes to go shop at places at least to get some ideas could strain his shopping now. somedo Xmas shopping around places they traveled to buying most gifts that way. They coukdnt travel this year so they might be stumped. ifthey work in jobs that are more stressful now do to Covid could knock him down on the holiday mood.
Watercolors Posted December 25, 2020 Posted December 25, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, icequeen50 said: Boyfriend and I have been together for about 18 months. This is our second Christmas together. We are both 34/35 years of age. Last year, he went all out on me at Christmas time and I felt pretty spoiled. I also spoiled him and got him a very thoughtful gift, which he never actually used up until a few days ago, claiming he "forgot"about it. Today he has just informed me that he wants to "put Christmas off until next week" and he has nothing planned, no gifts ready. I on the other hand started getting ready months ago and once again purchased a few thoughtful gifts for him which totalled around $300. I also prepared a large Christmas meal for us which I organized and purchased myself. Am I an a**h*** for feeling like he really didn't give a s*** this year? Christmas with us is "on hold" until next week and I honestly just feel like telling him to forget about it... Something’s going in with your relationship. Have you already posted about any relationship problems with your boyfriend here? I haven’t read any of your other posts if you have. His behavior isn’t a normal response if he spoiled you on Christmas last year. His behavior reflects how he feels about you and the relationship this year. He’s not happy. Instead of fuming about his sudden disinterest in Christmas, or blaming it on late UPS and USPS mail deliveries, (which isn’t relevant to his sudden Scrooge-like behavior), you need to have a straightforward conversation with him to find out what’s going on. You won’t get answers from him by asking US what we think. We’re not him. All we can do is offer you conjecture. You need to have the courage to discuss conflict with him by 18 months into the relationship. If you can’t even do that, why you are even dating? Relationships are not one dimensional. They will have periods of conflict like you’re currently experiencing. You have to figure out what your conflict resolution style is. Do you shut down and mope and get passive-aggressive and pissy? Or, do you try to address the conflict in a more neutral way, where you have a civil conversation about your concerns and feelings about your boyfriend’s behavior? How do you handle conflict in relationships? Use this as an opportunity to grow closer with your boyfriend with how you approach your concerns that he’s not into Christmas. Don’t just assume he’s cheating on you, or he’s about to breakup with you. Those two things could be possibilities of course. Maybe he lost his job. Maybe he’s broke. Maybe someone in his family is really sick. Maybe he’s sick. The problem is, that you won’t know what triggered his sudden behavioral change unless you approach your boyfriend calmly, not with “guns blazing” anger. Edited December 25, 2020 by Watercolors
Lotsgoingon Posted December 25, 2020 Posted December 25, 2020 Whatever you do, you do not owe him to hide your disappointment especially since you got busy early on and got gifts for him. Now, there is a fine line here. You don't want to be snarky and nasty and passive aggressive. So don't pretend to not be bothered. Go ahead and admit you're disappointed. At least he should have told you this earlier. Put him on the spot here. Otherwise, you'll hold resentments.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted December 25, 2020 Posted December 25, 2020 I would get my money back for the gifts and plan my exit out of this relationship.
salparadise Posted December 25, 2020 Posted December 25, 2020 Everyone is different with respect to how they celebrate the holiday, with gift-giving particularly, but if this were me I wouldn't be happy. You can't just postpone Christmas because you aren't ready. Any adult knows that. The question is, will you give him a pass or make an issue of it? It would erode my confidence in his ability to plan and manage generally, his ability to understand how his action or inaction affects others, etc., etc. I can't even imagine not having a gift ready for family or a girlfriend. I had been seeing a woman for a couple of months and we had our last date before Christmas on Saturday. I had a little gift ready for her, but she arrived empty handed. So I didn't bring it up. I've been cooking for her once a week to avoid going out to restaurants. You'd think she could've picked up a little kitchen gadget or a bottle of wine, but no. I'm done, but for more than one reason. This was just the last straw. Of course we weren't attached yet, so it may be different with your boyfriend. 1
poppyfields Posted December 25, 2020 Posted December 25, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, salparadise said: This was just the last straw. Sorry it didn't work out sal. But it sounds like there was more to your ending things than just this. That's why I and others asked the OP how everything else was going in their relationship. Imo it doesn't sound good; like I said a card costs around $2.00 and you don't need gifts to celebrate Christmas together. However, if HE feels like the OP does, perhaps that alone may be a problem. Edited December 25, 2020 by poppyfields 2
smackie9 Posted December 25, 2020 Posted December 25, 2020 (edited) Chin up! and carry on with your Christmas! Don't let him dictate how you are going to celebrate. Hold off on the gifts. Decorate, have a nice meal, cuddle on the couch watch a movie. Be positive, and go forward. Edited December 25, 2020 by smackie9
Ruby Slippers Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 This wouldn't cut it for me. One of the biggest benefits of being in a couple is having that special person to celebrate special occasions with. If he can't even be bothered to do that, I'd be happier doing my own thing. 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 On 12/24/2020 at 2:13 PM, icequeen50 said: Today he has just informed me that he wants to "put Christmas off until next week" and he has nothing planned, no gifts ready. Unfortunately, this is more than just Christmas plans. There seems to be a turnaround in the level of interest. What happened throughout the year with regard to the relationship? Sadly it appears he may be backing out of the relationship, not related to Christmas plans/gifts but related to whatever else is going on with the relationship.
Blind-Sided Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 (edited) On 12/24/2020 at 2:47 PM, poppyfields said: Well, putting Christmas "on hold" until next week defeats the purpose, may as well tell him to skip the whole thing, and he can surprise you another time. That is what I would do. And see if you can return the gifts. I kind of agree with this. Christmas isn't like "Date Night" where you can put it off. It's a religious and National holiday. Everyone knows what day it will be on EVERY YEAR !! There is no reason to miss it. I even have a real issue with someone who says... "I ordered your present but it's not here yet." Because you can order someone a gift months out, and have plenty of time. The only time I see that a acceptable is if it's the "Hot/Must Have" item for the year, and they are released close to Christmas, and are on back order. (Like the new Xbox or Playstation 5) If you want to send a strong message about the way you feel, and about the relationship... tell him to forget it. If he hasn't been working because of the pandemic... then that could be a reason to forgive. BUT... he should have still made a effort to do something to make the day special. Edited December 27, 2020 by Blind-Sided
d0nnivain Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 Lots of people have holidays on "off" days for a variety of reasons. I have celebrated almost every holiday on a different day due to work schedules, illness, family conflicts etc. This year due to Covid I'd let it slide after a gentle talk about why. In another year I'd be more ticked because a card, a poinsettia, some cookies. . .even a holiday lottery scratch off is something.
Happy Lemming Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 It will be interesting to hear how this all "shook out". I'm actually curious to find out whether it was a money problem, a shipping issue or what. I guess we'll find out next week. I'm wondering if the OP has talked to her boyfriend since Christmas??
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 24 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: even a holiday lottery scratch off is something. Then she'd be on here complaining she had a lottery scratch for Xmas lol. That would create an interesting thread.
poppyfields Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 To the OP, icequeen, if you're inclined to return, would love to know what happened, how it played out. No matter which way, hope all is well and that you had a merry with or without him!
Ruby Slippers Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 He has no excuse. Even if his present was delayed in the mail, he could have told her that and still gone out and gotten some flowers, sweet treats, whatever in time for the occasion. In my experience, there are men who excel at special occasions and men who fail at them, not much in between. Men who fail at them will always let women down. 1
poppyfields Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 (edited) 26 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: He has no excuse. Even if his present was delayed in the mail, he could have told her that and still gone out and gotten some flowers, sweet treats, whatever in time for the occasion. In my experience, there are men who excel at special occasions and men who fail at them, not much in between. Men who fail at them will always let women down. I agree with this. Even when men (or women if roles were reversed) are not big on holiday celebrations themselves, they are astute enough (and care enough) to realize they are for their partners, so they make the effort. When they don't, that speaks volumes and imo women need to pay attention and not attempt to justify by saying "oh he's not into holidays, or he lost his job and no money for gift" etc. What a bunch of BS. Christmas is about the spirit of giving, and I do not mean monetarily. My favorite "gift" from my fiance this year was that he did not work, all day , made me the most beautiful dinner, with my favorite red wine, even set beautiful candles and played my fav music. He made me a card, which nearly made me cry. That meant more to me than any tangible gift, which he can surprise me with any time of year and has! As I do him. And guess what? He is a man who cannot stand holidays, was raised poor, never received gifs, barely had enough to eat! Not sure why some folks place so much value on presents, maybe goes back to the story about the three wise men, but it's become so commercialized, it's not about that! It's about the spirit of giving from your heart, which costs very little if anything monetarily wise. Edited December 27, 2020 by poppyfields 2
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