Is there a chance she will come back? or did I mean nothing to her? I really need some female perspective

[Zacon]

It's a long story, but please read if you can. I need some advice and peace of mind.This is the first time that I write here, so I'm learning to where I should post this story, but I need some advice about what happened to me. I'll try to keep it as short as possible. And also sorry for my English as it is not my native language.

TL;DR: I met a girl that had a boyfriend. I respect relationships a lot, so I did nothing to cause harm to them. They broke up after 4 months. After 2 more months she asked me out and started to date. We were together for about 7 months where things were perfect until her ex got back into the picture. She asked me to not give up on her, that she was trying so I stayed with her. She broke up with me and seemed like it was really hard for her to do it. After some time I wrote her a love letter that she loved and then went travel with her ex to a romantic place that I dreamed about taking her there.

Long story:

I am 26, I've never had a girlfriend before. I'm shy, but not enough that would freeze me out anything. I always valued people much more than things or money and really want to have a family and kids some day, and really would like to have a nice relationship with someone that truly loves me.

It all started last year (2019) when I came back from my vacations where I work. She is 20 years old and started to work on my company while I was on vacation. We were from different sectors, but it was not a really big company so we would bump into each other regularly.

The first day I came back and saw her I was immediately caught by a feeling that I can't quite describe, it's like I had seen an angel or something. Honestly I've never felt that. Never. She wasn't the prettiest girl there, as a matter of fact she is really regular and no one would bother to take a second look as far as I asked around. But to me she was beautiful like an angel.

As if fate was playing with us, someone sent her an anonymous letter saying that she was beautiful and so on. We never knew who sent that letter, but it is because of it that it all started. My friends that worked on her department jokingly told her that it was me that sent her. They knew I had nothing to do with it, but they like to mess around. Obviously she wanted to see who was this guy that they told her that sent the letter and then she started to make any excuses to exchange some words on the elevator or cafeteria.

We quickly became friends. We liked the same kind of music, movies, sitcoms and many many other things. We were just friends for about 4 months, and I was really liking the company of that girl. When the end of the year was approaching and the company party, I asked her if she was single. I thought she was, because she would hang with me a lot and we had a lot of coffees in the afternoon, also we used to talk a lot on the cellphone. She told me that she had a boyfriend of 2 years, but she didn't look really happy to talk about that. Some other day she told me that he don't really pay much attention to her or doesn't seem to care a lot.

I was really disappointed to know that she had a boyfriend and I didn't want to be involved in this situation, so I just kept being her friend.

After some weeks, already in January 2020, she was talking to me and said that they have broken up. He broke up with her. She was obviously sad, but seemed ok with that. I didn't change my approach and still just wanted to be her friend.

After 2 months, end of February she asked me to go with her to a bar that she always wanted to go. I was doing nothing and really liked her company, so I accepted. When I got there and saw her standing by the door I think my world stopped spinning. She was really beautiful, her perfume was like a drug that hit me like a train. I understood that she wanted to go out with me but not as just friends. So we basically didn't even bother to listen to the band or to really pay attention to our surroundings, we were basically focused on one another and after some time chatting she kissed me. We kissed and kissed and kissed for a long time and I've never felt better.

To my surprise, she said that she thinks that I'm handsome and such a nice guy, that we are really a good match. The same night she told me, "why don't we go to your apartment so we can continue this night?" I was really caught of guard and had to tell her that I've never had sex before, I was really ashamed of what she would say, but she told me that it was ok, that she didn't mind. So we went to my apartment and begun to kiss and I just masturbated and did oral on her. When she was going to do the same I couldn't keep it up because I was too nervous. I thought I had ruined the night and my chance, but she said that it was ok and the only thing that mattered is that she was there with me.

During the next week we continued taking, but with more intimacy and she seemed really happy. On Friday she went to my apartment again, although we couldn't have sex that day because she was on her period, we kissed a lot and really spent some time together. Finally on the next week when we came to my apartment again we finally had sex and spent the whole weekend doing it. I was really proud of myself because I really did an amazing job and she enjoyed a lot. During our brakes, she would cuddle with me and say how I was beautiful and had an amazing heart. That weekend I cooked her favorite dish as a surprise and massaged her after work so she could really relax. She was stunned and couldn't stop telling me how I could only be an angel handmade for her. I was really worried to fall for her because of her past relationship and told her that (please remember this) and told her about some past traumas with some girls. She looked at me and told me not to worry, because she doesn't want to move fast and call our thing a relationship because of course she was still hurt, but she was trying to build something.

Our good phase (I believe the honeymoon) lasted longer than usual, we were great for about 4 months, then she began to act more distant and became a much more sad person. She was clearly broken and sad, but I was there for her anyways. I kept being a shoulder to cry on for another month, and really trying hard to help her. I already had depression and she shared a lot of things about her life and past traumas as well and I didn't want to leave her suffering alone, but it was really tiresome. I started to think about breaking up because I was getting more and more attached and to really like her and I was afraid to get hurt. But then something happened.

When I was going to break up with her, she called me a day before if I could go see her that afternoon, that she really wanted to see me. I went to her house and was alone with her (never met her family although I wanted), she sat on my lap crying a lot and said that she was sorry about her state, that I was really loving and caring and she was in that mess, then she asked me to not give up on her, to stay a little more, that she liked me and didn't want to ruin this. That moment I thought about the person and boyfriend I wanted to be and told her that I wouldn't leave it give up on her, that we would talk about everything and would solve any problems that we could have, that we would be a team and I would do my best to keep the relationship alive, that we just had to be honest with each other and we could face anything. She kissed me a lot and thanked me for being there. We were already dating for about 4-5 months by then.

Things were starting to get a little better, she started to go to a psychiatrist and a psychologist and taking a medication. The medication killed her libido she said, but we still talked a lot and spent some afternoons together. She always used to tell me how beautiful and good and caring I was.

Things went south when her ex came back.... She told me that he only wanted to get some stuff and that was it, but she became more and more cold and distant. I could see that something was wrong and I was getting really upset with that. After another month she broke up with me. She cried a lot during our talk, it really seemed to be something really hard for her to do. She said how I was great but our timing was wrong and we were at different moments of our lives. Even after the brake up, I took her home, we walked holding hands and when I let her by the door she couldn't let me go and couldn't stop kissing me and crying. I thought that it would be good to give her some time.

She would still constantly talk to me on the cellphone, sent me our songs and tell me that she missed me. Although I have never met her family, her mother and grandmother really really liked me, because she would talk about me all the time, she said that they always wanted to meet me and that they could see the good things I did to her. I once baked a cake and gave it to her to give to them. They loved it she said.

About 1 month and some weeks after the brake up it was her birthday, and I decided to do something special to her. I wrote a letter telling her about our year, how this pandemic really screwed our minds and how our timing was bad, but we had good moments and we were really an amazing match. I told her how proud I was of her achievements although she was hurt and how she made me feel like the happiest person alive. I gave it to her with a rose saying I love you. She cried like a baby and spent a lot of time saying how I could only be an angel.

Of course this story doesn't end well. Just one week later I discovered that she went to a place that I always told her that I dreamed to take her with her ex. It is really an romantic place in the mountains and I would tell her all the time how I wanted to take her there when she felt like it. I discovered because she blocked her Instagram stories from me so I couldn't see and a friend of her told me that it wasn't fair with such a passionate and good person to be made a fool.

Of course my world crumbled. I would rather hit my head with a hammer over and over again if that eased the pain I felt. I obviously sent her messages to understand why and how she could do that.

She answered some time later, saying that she was feeling like a total garbage because of it, that she was sorry and didn't mean to hurt me and she was crying a lot. I told her that she told me not to give up on her, that I really really didn't want to be just a rebound and I wanted something serious. She told me to stay, to not give up, to hold on and so I did. I gave her all the opportunities to open up with me but she didn't.

It's been a month since last time we spoke. I'm really angry, I feel like garbage. It was my first relationship and I should have seen the red flags but I was naive and thought that I could believe her and what she was saying. It was my first time, my first great love and despite of all that I really miss her. I can't stop thinking if she misses me. If she will come back some day.

I don't have her number anymore and she blocked me on Instagram because I told her to do so. But we spent about 7-8 months together as a couple and 4 as friends. It meant so much to me and now I think that I lived a lie. That I'm not worth. That I will never find a girl to truly love and give all of my passion. I'm really happy in my profession, financially I achieved what I desired, but I always valued much more people and family than money. I dream about having a wife and kids some day and she said that she wanted that too.

I'm afraid I'll never find other person because took me 26 years to someone give a chance.

Do you guys think that she really tried? That I meant something to her? Will she come back someday? Should I try to talk to her again after some time? It's been a month now and I can't stop thinking about her. I must stay No contact? I really really really hope that someday she comes back

And if she does come back, although I think she won't, should I trust her again? I don't know how to feel, I don't know if she is sorry, if she misses me, I don't know that to do. Rebounds usually is just sex and they die soon, but we had a lot of similar tastes, we used to tell each other a lot of things about our lives and our fling lasted 7 months, way more than a rebound should. I can't stop thinking that we could be amazing if we had met in a different time and it is killing me. I cant blame her because no one can erase someone from their heart even if she wanted to. What should I do? Should I talk to her after some time? I don't know what to do now.

Edited December 24, 2020 by Zacon

[salparadise]

I'm really sorry for your loss and the pain you feel. Most of us have been there. I'm going to keep this very short and sincere. You need to accept that she's gone and just be thankful that you had the experience. It really is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. You learned a lot, including that you now know you're able to open your heart and love. You will have other chances in the future after you have grieved and healed. You also now know to size up a situation and be measured as to how fast to go all in. It was a rebound and her ex came back, so you really never had much of a chance. She was feeling for him what you're feeling for her. This really was not about you, so enough the the garbage, worthless. It doesn't change who you are, it doesn't define you. No more of that. What you need to do is accept that she's gone and be okay with that; how you feel in any moment is not who you are. Better times are ahead. Maintain no contact, and that's extremely important. If she should come back (which isn't likely) what you can expect is the same treatment all over again... and the thing most likely to bring her back is her getting dumped again. Date someone else when you're ready, but don't keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result. You will be okay in time, even if it takes many months. You will feel a little better day by day. Believe in yourself and keep that completely separate these events. Take care.

[Zacon]

salparadise thank you for your answer. It really really hurts to read that. I really took things slowly and always said to her what I expected. All the nicknames, the cuddles, the kisses... It's killing me inside to think that she is gone just like that.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. 

That said, I think there were definite warning signs along the way. She was too fresh out of a relationship (one that she didn't end) to really be ready to meet anyone else. The fact that within 7 or 8 months you'd met none of her family is also a red flag. It might have been true that she sung your praises to them - or they might not have known anything about you. She was enjoying your company but she was keeping some emotional distance there. 

My take is that she sounds young and still rather immature. She doesn't look around corners and think of how her actions will later affect others. It is not at all a reflection on you and your worthiness. It's normal to feel low after a break-up, but you need to be very careful not to measure your self-worth based on a woman. (And I am a woman, for what it's worth) She doesn't determine how capable you will be at finding love again. There's no need to be fatalistic about it and assume you will never again find someone; you're only 26, with plenty of good years ahead of you. First loves are almost never our last, and you need to remember that moving forward. 

Take your time to heal, and maintain No Contact with her. Be very cautious if she suddenly gets in touch again, should she and the ex hits the skids a second time. You don't want to anyone's back-up plan. 

[Yosemite]

You were the rebound and also she's a little bit too young for you. Is she in college? It's pretty impossible to have a successful relationship with someone who's in college when you're 6 years older.

Focus on the positives and don't be dramatic. It didn't take you 26 yrs to find someone, I'm pretty sure you weren't trying to hook up with girls when you were toddler. You'll feel better soon and the experience you've gained from this relationship will help your next relationship be more successful. Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Zacon said:

  After 2 months, end of February she asked me to go with her to a bar 

Things went south when her ex came back.... 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately dating someone who's on/off with a BF and on the rebound is a sure way to heartaches💔

She is not in a good place to date.

Focus on your own physical and mental health. Take care of yourself and in time you'll find someone more appropriate for dating.