All she said was, I don't want to know.

[bricklayer]

I'll turn fifty eight on February 6th, 2021. That will also be the 13th anniversary of the last time I had sex. I married my wife fifteen tears ago. I was forty three; she was forty. She is very religious. I'm a believer, but she is very, very religious. 

To me, sex is like the forbidden fruit. Everything about it is good, but there are rules. To my wife, sex is like killing. Everything about it is bad, but sometimes you have to do it.

From what I understand, most of my friends are perfectly willing to have sex with their wives even if they know that their wives don't want to have sex.

To me, no means no. Maybe means no, and yes means know if she hesitates. I have no desire to have sex with someone who does not want to have sex. I'm whatever the opposite of a rapist is.

You'd think that, at my age, I'd get over it. But I burn. It's like being hungry - hangry. It's an appetite that just won't go away. I'm distracted all of the time. It's like I'm in a fog.

God forgive me, but I'm thinking about cheating on my wife. I thought that I could do this, but it's hard, too hard, too often. I can only walk down wind; walking up wind makes me hard.

I have taken very good care of my health while my wife has gained over 100Lbs since we married because I knew years ago that my only hope of ever having sex again is if I outlive my wife.

I have everything a man could want. I have financial freedom. I go off by myself for weeks on end into the forest. I go where I won't see another person for weeks because that helps relieve the burning desire. The thing is, it would be so easy. She never asks. As long as her life is paid for and she gets her stipend every week, I really don't think that she cares what I do. I don't know what to think, and I don't like how I feel.

I'm to the point where my fear of being blackmailed is more than my fear of violating my oath. God forgive me but, grandpa needs some strange.

I can't help but think that there are women in my situation, women who love their lives, their families, and they don't want to ruin everything for everyone just to have a little more.                     

What would you do?

Where would you start?

How would you protect those who would be hurt?

Perhaps I should start eating crap, stop yoga, stop hiking, stop canoeing, stop traveling, stop everything and just get fat with her. Perhaps that quell the burning. Perhaps I'd become as cold as she is.

                  

[ShyViolet]

This marriage sounds joyless and miserable.  Why did you marry this woman?  What is keeping you with her?  Do you have kids?

[Wiseman2]

Is divorce forbidden in your religion/culture/country?

You seem desperately unhappy.

[schlumpy]

Have you let her know how you feel about this? After 13 years she may be willing to look the other way so she can maintain her meal ticket.

It's possible she likes sex. She just doesn't like it with you. 

I certainly would not do anything until she was medically checked out and we had some eye opening frank discussions.

[d0nnivain]

Don't cheat on your wife.  Instead seek out her religious advisor & get that person to talk to her about her marital obligations.  God wants married people to have sex & she is harming you by withholding.  

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Instead seek out her religious advisor & get that person to talk to her about her marital obligations.  God wants married people to have sex & she is harming you by withholding.  

In the US you can not force a spouse to have sex. No one is "harming him", he's free to leave at any time.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not talking about force.  I am talking about speaking her language.  If she's that devout she should want to change her behavior to honor God.  

[elaine567]

15 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

  God wants married people to have sex...

Does he really?
50+ men and women are not going to go forth and multiply, so why would "God" care what they do?
A 50 something woman who has not had sex for 13 years and who is now 7 stone heavier, and who never liked sex anyway, is never going to agree to sex and be happy about it.

She may be "religious" but she has made it very clear where she stands on sex.
It ain't going to happen.
I know never say never, but...

[FMW]

11 hours ago, bricklayer said:

I have everything a man could want. I have financial freedom. I go off by myself for weeks on end into the forest. I go where I won't see another person for weeks because that helps relieve the burning desire. The thing is, it would be so easy. She never asks. As long as her life is paid for and she gets her stipend every week, I really don't think that she cares what I do.

First, you need to be really honest with yourself.  You do NOT have everything a man could want, otherwise you wouldn't have felt the need to post.

I'm not seeing that you have much of a relationship at all with her if you go off by yourself for weeks on end, if she never asks about things, if you feel she's fine as long as she has her life paid for.  That's existing, not living.  

As has been asked - why are you looking to maintain the marriage but just thinking about possibly having sex elsewhere?  It's unfortunate, but plenty of believers divorce.  I did after 23 years.  Do you find cheating less objectionable than divorce?

[notbroken]

Your wife is not living up to her 1/2 of the marriage.  Period.  That said, I wouldn't want to have sex with someone that doesn't want to.   Ever.  She is unable to live up to a marriage.   Set her free.  Set yourself free.   You are too young to just 'wait to die' or 'wait for her to die'.   You aren't some sort of martyr.   Divorce her.  Tell her why.  Desire is not negotiable.  You can't 'make her want you'.   You can't make her like sex.  There are good women that do.   If you are in shape, financially free, etc you won't have trouble finding one. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

17 hours ago, bricklayer said:

I almost have it all.

                  

So did Whitney Houston...

 

 

[MsJayne]

Forgive my vitriol, but I just happen to despise religious hypocrites - devout God-Botherers who treat their own "loved ones" with contemptuous disregard are among the lowest of the low, and IMO, mentally disturbed. Given how religious she is I'm surprised God hasn't smitten her to dust for being a selfish, ridiculous hypocrite. Two options, either divorce her as quick as you can , and if you can't do that, openly have an affair and explain to your wife that she's inadequate as a partner and you've had enough of her selfishness, and while you're at it, tell her you'd appreciate it if she found a job and lost some weight. If she's a typical religious hypocrite she probably spends a lot of time at the church pretending to be a saint, so maybe suggest she spend less time on her knees blowing God and more time contemplating how she treats the person who keeps a roof over her head. 

I hear this situation so often from middle-aged married men, and I really wonder why they tolerate the emotional blackmail and the psychological abuse.  Here's the heads up for any man in that situation - Your wife does not love you, she just loves the fact that you pay for her lifestyle and tolerate her selfishness. Most men put up with it because of financial reasons or because they're afraid they'll be harshly judged by kids or extended family, but if they can't see how miserable you are then you shouldn't care about their opinion of you either.  

Life's not a dress rehearsal, don't spend it with someone who treats you like dirt and don't feel guilty about sifting garbage out of your life. 

Edited November 17, 2020 by MsJayne

[ShyViolet]

You should divorce your wife.  Life is too short to be this unhappy.  I'm sorry if this sounds disrespectful, but at your age, how much time do you think you really have left on this earth?  Maybe 20 years?  Do you want to live those 20 years happy, or unhappy?  The choice is yours.

[mark clemson]

I'm sorry, you don't almost have it all. You have a marriage where you've allowed to let your needs go unmet for years. Or what many people would call a bad one.

[endlessabyss]

Sounds unfair within the confines of a marriage.  Philosophically, it doesn't seem sound, since when you become married, in the eyes of God, you become one with one another.

Seems like your wife has decided to go a different route.  I don't think the act of sex in a legitimate marriage is evil.  To the contrary, it seems like that is the only real appropriate place for it to become human, and not some low energy primitive, animalistic act.

My own personal view on sex is that it is evil, so I can relate with your wife. 

I'm not married though, so my personal philosophical views don't have adverse effects on anyone lol.

If you really ponder about it, you start to realize sex brings a lot of pain into this existence, and you don't need religion to verify that claim.

Think of all of the children that are sexually abused by parents-family or friends.  There is a channel on YouTube, called Soft White Underbelly.  The man who runs the channel interviews a lot of people that live on Skid Row, in CA.  Almost all the interviews he does with women experience some type of sexual assault, in their childhood, that cripples their whole life post abuse.

Parents selling their children's body for make their drug payments, sisters being raped by step brothers or step fathers.  It also goes the other way with young boys being sexually abused by the same group of cohorts as well.

You have the institution of child sex trafficking, gorilla pimping....

Abortions - the surgical eradication of the most helpless of life.

I mean, when you think about it, the act in and of itself is animalistic and violent.  A lot of women that I have had intercourse with always have these weird fetishes of wanting to be abused while having sex - smacking, tugging roughly on hair.  It's literally just violent, brute force with the ejaculation of slimy, sticky fluids on arrival of climax.

Legit wars are fought over sex.  People are sold into slavery because of sex - think of the Arab slave trade.

King David killed a man to steal his wife.

One day I even questioned God's existence, because of the thought of such an ugly vile act being responsible for innocent children being brought into this world, only to end up being corrupted, and a slave, to such hormones.

But that is just me.  Marriage is impossible under a secular order, and I have engaged in a lot of sex.  But after the act I just feel disgusted and depressed most of the time.  It just seems empty.  The next couple of days I just isolate until I bounce back from the low.  

I guess I am just trying to sympathize with others who hold a similar view.

In your situation it does seem like your wife is kind of breaking her vows.  If you feel that way does that make the marriage null and void?  A lot of men that get stuck in a sexless marriage just end up seeing escorts.

It's a rough call, but I do admire your values and ethics thus far.  That needs to commended.  

Best of luck to you.

[basil67]

Does your wife know how you feel?

[Starswillshine]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

Does your wife know how you feel?

Yes, I wonder, have you had any discussion with your wife about this? 

FTR, saying something along the lines of never having sex and needing sex will not make a woman want to give up sex but feel pressured. But have you talked to her to find out why it is that sex is so bad for her? Has there been any romancing? 

[Uruktopi]

Don´t cheat. Never ever.

Don´t have sex, as you don´t, with a woman that don´t want to, whatever her reasons.

Neither have sex if she is not also enthusiasted, neither if she accepts to for dutty concerns, "family love", other related bs.

Take seriously your part of responsability in choosing her and for staying all those years.

Sexless marriages are, at least most of them, also loveless ones.

Divorce her.

Like yesterday.

Quote

 

 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Uruktopi

[Caauug]

On 11/17/2020 at 11:07 AM, bricklayer said:

To my wife, sex is like killing.

Maybe she should be "Chocking the chicken" a little more often???

On 11/17/2020 at 11:07 AM, bricklayer said:

I'm thinking about cheating on my wife.

What's classed as cheating? I will get drawn and quartered here, but....  Is cheating getting serviced by a professional well out of reproductive stages with no emotions/feelings expressed? Just a business deal?

Your wife has had sex with you. She knows what those body parts are for. Does she know your male nature desires sex regularly? Stupid question, you would have made advances at some times..... I Hope!!! Or she thinks you should bury your head in the sand and ignore your male nature for intimacy and to reproduce? Would she ignore her female nature the same? Ummmm….

On 11/17/2020 at 10:03 PM, elaine567 said:

Does he really?
50+ men and women are not going to go forth and multiply, so why would "God" care what they do?
A 50 something woman who has not had sex for 13 years and who is now 7 stone heavier, and who never liked sex anyway, is never going to agree to sex and be happy about it.

She may be "religious" but she has made it very clear where she stands on sex.
It ain't going to happen.
I know never say never, but...

^^^^^ Very True^^^^^ 

And then would OP really want to??? That time might have passed for him with her....

On 11/17/2020 at 11:07 AM, bricklayer said:

Perhaps I should start eating crap, stop yoga, stop hiking, stop canoeing, stop traveling, stop everything and just get fat with her. Perhaps that quell the burning. Perhaps I'd become as cold as she is

Don't do that.... But it is likely driving some of your desires....

I can't believe you have not been helping yourself and your wife doing the same... Ok, enough!!!

You will likely never get your wife's blessing to get that itch scratched, sorry.... But maybe a visit to a professional (not the local junkie on the street corner) for a service once and a while might work for you. Keep it professional. Maybe limit what contact is made? Different states/provinces countries have different laws/arrangements etc. What ever is the safest for you.

 

[bricklayer]

We've been married for decades. Soon, I'll turn 58; that will also be the 13th anniversary of the last time we had sex. Last night, I told her that I don't resent her or love her less just because she doesn't want to have sex. I also told her that I do want to have sex and that I would be "making my own arrangements". All she said was, "I don't want to know."

We've lived in the same small midwestern town for fifty eight years. I've been in business for thirty five years; before that, I was one of the pastor's 13 children. Believe me, life here is like living in a fish bowl. I couldn't fart without everyone seeing the bubbles.  However, I have an opportunity to, if not change, add to all of that. My son lives on the west coast. He has a successful business. I have an opportunity to go into business with my son. I will keep my business and properties here. 

I fly out there next month for two weeks. We plan to close on a facility, and I will be shopping for a small house for myself. So, it looks as if I'm going to have two worlds, one world my wife knows about, and one world she doesn't want to know about. I never thought of myself as an adulterer; but then again, I never thought that I'd go thirteen years without sex. 

Edited December 24, 2020 by bricklayer

[bricklayer]

On 11/17/2020 at 9:28 AM, FMW said:

First, you need to be really honest with yourself.  You do NOT have everything a man could want, otherwise you wouldn't have felt the need to post.

I'm not seeing that you have much of a relationship at all with her if you go off by yourself for weeks on end, if she never asks about things, if you feel she's fine as long as she has her life paid for.  That's existing, not living.  

As has been asked - why are you looking to maintain the marriage but just thinking about possibly having sex elsewhere?  It's unfortunate, but plenty of believers divorce.  I did after 23 years.  Do you find cheating less objectionable than divorce?

We are grandma and papa, mom and dad, the hub of all of the spokes than make up our family. It seemed like a no-brainer trading sex for all of that, but biology has a way of building up like water behind a damn. I'm cracking.

Edited December 24, 2020 by bricklayer

[central]

Okay, you still love her, but even so, why not divorce and have full freedom?  It might be difficult to find a woman who will date you if you are honest about your situation.  Since you've told your wife your intentions and she simply prefers to be blissfully ignorant, there aren't any moral grounds not to do as you wish - unless you decide to lie to the women you meet.

[mark clemson]

One issue with these things is you might find yourself surprisingly emotionally attached to an OW should you find one. She may feel the same way and eventually become quite distressed that she can't "have you for real". Not everyone is cut out for affairs, even "accepted" ones, and there's a good chance someone or other will eventually get hurt emotionally. (Possibly your wife included.)

While this is not a recommendation per se, you could consider if you should look for a sugar-daddy type arrangement to keep it more of a business relationship. There are web sites for that these days and it may be more likely to help you preserve the marriage if that is truly your goal. Do STAY AWAY from actual prostitution - as I understand it there are a whole lot of very good reasons you want nothing to do with that.

[Cookiesandough]

She is saying do what you need to do, but don’t flaunt it. She understands you have needs, but she doesn’t want to have sex with you, so she’ll tolerate you getting it from another. 

Edited December 24, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[bricklayer]

I've been looking into escorts. There seems to be quite a market of them. I also know that there are many scams, etc. How does one find an honest escort? Mind you, I'm terribly afraid of blackmail. After all, all she asked was that she doesn't want to know. So basically, I have one job. I can get what I need, as long as my wife doesn't know, Seems simple enough, but exactly how does one go about that, for the first time, in a city two thousand miles away?

Edited December 25, 2020 by bricklayer