Why why WHY do I still think about him and want him and how do I stop?

[levin78]

A YEAR ago I met this guy online and we dated for two months. I was really starting to fall for him when he broke up with me, completely out of the blue, and over text. 

We dated for such a short period, I wasn’t gonna fight him on it or make a big deal out of it. He suggested we be friends but I politely declined and moved on with my life. I re-focused on developing my friendships, picked up new hobbies, started working out and cooking a lot, made major progress at work, went back to school to get my Master’s, etc. When I felt ready, I got back into dating and met a lot of new guys. For 7 months I had no contact with him at all.

The problem is, despite doing everything “right” during that time, I could NOT stop thinking about him. I don’t know if it was because I never knew the reason why he ended things, a result of feeling lonely during the pandemic, or what, but he was constantly in my head. I have learned the hard way in the past that closure is something you can only give yourself so I resisted the urge to reach out to him for a very long time, but the feelings would not go away no matter what I did so I finally snapped. I reached out, we chatted a bit, made plans to grab coffee, then right as I was finalizing the plans he disappeared. Again, I wasn’t gonna beg him to talk to me or chastise him for ghosting, so I left it and assumed that was all the information I needed to finally fully move on. 

That was about 4 months ago. For a little while I felt better, because hey, at least I tried and I had known things probably wouldn’t go the way I wanted. Shortly after, I started dating someone new and it felt good and reminded me there are other people out there. But STILL for some reason I couldn’t understand, he was in the back of my mind. I couldn’t stop comparing the new guy I was seeing to this old guy (who had treated me really well while we dated and was everything I wanted in a partner). I ended up dating the new guy even longer than I had the old guy, but I could never stop comparing.  When I thought of who I would actually want to be with, the answer was still the guy from before. My brain keeps convincing me again and again that he did not truly want or need to end things with me. 

Me and the new guy mutually ended things a few weeks ago and I was sad in the moment but honestly have already handled it and moved on and stopped thinking about it. INSTEAD I AM STILL THINKING ABOUT THE OLD GUY???

I keep seeing things that remind me of him and feeling sad and wondering why we couldn’t be together. I know on a conscious level I’m romanticizing the relationship we had and idealizing him (I mean, the way he broke up with me and ghosted me later on was crappy and I know that) but despite knowing this I can’t control my emotions. I can’t make myself angry at him and I can’t stop viewing him as someone I desire. 

I know texting him and trying to get him to meet me again would be a futile effort. I mean, how much proof do I need that he does not want to talk to me? But I still think about it and fantasize about it all the damn time. It makes me feel sad, anxious, and stressed and I’m afraid I’m going to go through with it again and feel even worse. I don’t know why I still feel I need confirmation that he doesn’t want to be with me. I’ve been broken up with and rejected plenty and I never have such a hard time dealing with it. I’m a well-rounded and “stable” person in most areas of my life so I don’t know why this guy who I dated so shortly has my head so messed up. I rarely, if ever, think about any of my other exes and when I do I just smile and wish them well. I generally have a healthy mindset about breakups and don’t have any desire to get back with any of them. I’m just so in denial about this guy willingly ending things with me out of the blue like that and it’s making me feel crazy!

I’ve been going to therapy for about 3 months now (for different reasons) and we’ve talked about this a bit but not extensively because I don’t want it to monopolize my sessions. We’ve talked a lot about self-worth and stuff and I feel like I’m making good progress in learning to love myself and view myself as enough. But here I am, Christmas Eve, thinking about him and wondering if I should text him in the new year. I get frustrated when my thoughts go down that road because in reality, I just really want to leave this guy in 2020. 

So I’m here, because I’m at a loss. I don’t know how to explain why I’m reacting this way, and I don’t know how to cope with it. The people on this forum have always provided me with excellent advice and insight. Any tips or thoughts? 

[Wiseman2]

All you need to do is replace voids in your life.

That means getting involved with friends, family, hobbies, interests, work/school, sports, groups,clubs, volunteering,etc.

You don't miss him. You just escape to this past as a way to fill voids. 

Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

[Gaeta]

Somehow you've identified this man as being 'the ultimate mate' for yourself. Deprogramming your brain will take some actions on your part. Youtube is full of great videos on how to move on from a breakup, how to stop obsessing over an ex, etc. What you're experiencing has nothing to do with your heart, it's a trick your brain is playing on you. 

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, levin78 said:

I’ve been going to therapy for about 3 months now (for different reasons) and we’ve talked about this a bit but not extensively because I don’t want it to monopolize my sessions.

Unrequited love is one of the most painful things a person can experience.  You are correct to let it go and not reach out to him because it will break your heart even more to realize he hasn't changed his mind which is why he didn't go through with the meet up that was scheduled.  He's very aware of how you feel and what you want.  I would suggest to spend more of your therapy time discussing this because it's obviously still at the forefront of your mind and holding you back.