stillafool Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 It's because you were her husband; much like a relative. Plus she had long checked out of the marriage before she left. Life is new and new men hitting on her is exciting and they raise her sex drive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brokendad Posted September 24, 2020 Author Share Posted September 24, 2020 And just to too it off, I've just spoken to my neighbour and he said that he saw her and a guy leave the flat this afternoon. So while I was at work, she brought him back to the flat!! Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 4 hours ago, Brokendad said: My friend has sent me screenshots of my wife on THREE different apps/sites all designed for "hookups, one nighters and friends with benefits"! She has NEVER been like this and in the past has moaned like hell about "those sl*gs who just sleep around and sh*g any tom, dick and Harry" So? You are not together. Focus on being the best dad you can be and visiting your kids at her place. Tell your "friend" to butt out and stop stirring the pot. You don't need "friends" like that in the throes of divorce. Focus on getting a better attorney and moving forward with legal separation/divorce/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 If you can't stop her from using the flat the make a list of all your valuables so you can keep track if any of your things are missing. Maybe a theft charge will discourage her. Set up a camera. Maybe you can catch them doing drugs. Drug charge would be even better. Fight back! Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 25, 2020 Share Posted September 25, 2020 36 minutes ago, schlumpy said: If you can't stop her from using the flat the make a list of all your valuables so you can keep track if any of your things are missing. Maybe a theft charge will discourage her. Set up a camera. Maybe you can catch them doing drugs. Drug charge would be even better. Fight back! Of course, if you do this, you should expect a prolonged and brutal divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted September 25, 2020 Share Posted September 25, 2020 (edited) I suggest you IGNORE the advice on this thread that focusses on your wife: "180," proving her an unfit parent, DNA testing your kids, sleuthing around to find out who she's seeing, whether they are married, and exposing them to their wife, spying on her, worrying about whether you appear "weak compared to (the kids') mother" etc. Forget it. It will just keep you in the unhealthy emotional state you're in now. Also, this is the mother of your children. Those kids don't need to be dragged through anything unnecessary. They will probably do best with both of their parents involved in their lives, and doing their best to co-parent. I know this is hard to hear and won't sink in for a while but her dating, sex toys, what she's wearing, etc. are really none of your business now that your marriage is effectively over. However you do it, you need to extricate yourself from your preoccupation with your wife's activities. I think counseling would be helpful I'm on your side. She's treated you abominably. But you need to see to your relationship with your kids, and move on from your marriage at the same time. I'm in the US and I don't know how things are handled in the UK but here, there will be provisions made for visitation before a divorce hearing is held. Edited September 25, 2020 by NuevoYorko 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted September 25, 2020 Share Posted September 25, 2020 1 hour ago, basil67 said: Of course, if you do this, you should expect a prolonged and brutal divorce. Right. And ruination for the kids. Great plan. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted September 25, 2020 Share Posted September 25, 2020 10 hours ago, Brokendad said: And just to too it off, I've just spoken to my neighbour and he said that he saw her and a guy leave the flat this afternoon. So while I was at work, she brought him back to the flat!! How long do you have before you can take yourself out of the lease and get your own place? You need to have all your ducks in a row before getting that call from the judge, who will be more interested in practicalities, ie where your kids will stay when they're with you, childcare arrangements, school pick-ups, etc, than who your ex is sleeping with. Don't waste too much energy and thinking time over what your ex does or doesn't do. She has the right to access the flat since her name is on the lease, your neighbour has zero clue what she was there for and it's pointless to extrapolate. The only side to pick at this point is that of the kids; that will be the judge's priority, not the personal, subjective drama. If you want the judge on side, you need to show them you are responsible, drama-free and reasonable / flexible, ie that you can communicate with the mother in a sensible way (or that at least you are trying), and that you will be providing a safe, stable environment for the kids. The judge will no doubt want to know exactly why their mother would only grant you supervised visits - you need to be prepared for the fact that she may have a compelling case. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brokendad Posted October 6, 2020 Author Share Posted October 6, 2020 Things are slightly different now, but no more easy! Basically in regards to the children, I have a court date and so things are starting to happen in regards to them, even though it's not until late January. Feelings for my ex have pretty much completely gone and I couldn't care less about her being with anyone else etc. I've found out she has got a new place to live, but the girls aren't living with her all the time currently until she has sorted her new place out. The trouble is, a couple of weeks ago, I decided I wanted to start talking and dating new people, just to get myself out there and find a bit if happiness. I met a girl online two weeks ago and we got on really well. She is a paramedic and an ambulance driver, and I found her so interesting. Last weekend we decided to go on our first date, which was amazing (we went for a few drinks, then to mine for a takeaway and watched films and played games and cuddled on the sofa for hours etc), but we got on so well. She understands me and seemed to be the female version of me! She also have a child who she co parents with her ex. We spoke every day last week and we're constantly texting. We then went out again on Sunday just gone. We planned a day out (we went for a fun day at the sea life center and had a go on a fairground etc, just a messing around kind of day). We got back to mine and had a takeaway, and curled up watching films and played games again. After a little while, we were all over eachother, constantly kissing, touching etc and things moved into, more... Physical... Actions shall we say? We'd area GED for her to stay over that night. But when we were sleeping, after an hour or so, she woke me saying she felt a bit sick and wanted to go home. She kissed me lots again and said that she will definitely see me again. We both agreed that our two dates were the best we've ever had. But since then, she's been a bit distant and has text me saying that I'm a bit "too much" at times for her. She's said that she would like to see me again but because if her work and childcare issues, it wouldn't be for a few weeks, which I don't think would work as that's too much of a gap after just a couple of dates. The thing is, I really like her. Everything seems just so right with her and we are so alike it's unreal. I'm just now really down as I was so exited about seeing her and now suddenly it seems to have gone. Literally on Sunday, it was the best day I've had in years and the most I've laughed and smiled for three years (excluding time with my children), so to go from that to utter deflation within hours pretty much had hit me again. I know this will sound pathetic after just a couple of dates and two weeks of phone calls and texts etc, but I felt more comfortable with her on our second date than I did with my ex after two months. I hate how I fell so easily for her. My life just seems to be constant heartbreak, disappointment and hurt Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 3 hours ago, Brokendad said: The thing is, I really like her. My life just seems to be constant heartbreak, disappointment and hurt Clearly your life is NOT going to be constant heartbreak and disappointment for long if this is any indication. This is early stages and IIRC you're still technically married. I'd be worried too about too much/too soon TOO if I was her. Don't let yourself get too sucked in by any one woman. There are actually many beautiful, desirable, "wonderful" women out there who are emotionally messed up trainwrecks under the surface and can pull all sorts of crazy on you. Enjoy playing the field, but be cautious with your heart until you know she's "safe" for you emotionally. That's after 6 months from what I read here, when the "real" them starts to show (sometimes it's a lot earlier). A wonderful, sweet, affectionate women suddenly going cold is no surprise really. These things happen for all kinds of reasons. She may have a personality disorder. Or not like you. Or be self-sabotaging when it comes to relationships. OR be (wisely) quite cautious about dating a man who's still married. Get the divorce finalized before you hope for anything TOO serious. In the meantime, enjoy the "perks" of your new life as they come. Gotta make lemonade out of the lemons sometimes... If she went cold this fast, she's almost certainly not right for you - that's reality; accept it and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 By the way, if you feel very insecure being on your own, you might consider seeing an IC about that. It's a real issue for many people, and you do yourself no service by settling for anyone who comes along, no matter what the issues, just to avoid being alone. Not sure that is you, but consider IC if this rings a bit true for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brokendad Posted October 9, 2020 Author Share Posted October 9, 2020 I really don't know why I'm still feeling so low about this girl! It was literally just a couple of dates and 2/3 weeks of phone calls and texts etc, it's ridiculous. She has left such a big impression on me. I had a hospital appointment earlier and whenever I saw an ambulance or paramedic (she is an ambulance driver/paramedic) I kept thinking about her! I've never felt such a connection with someone as quickly as I did with her! I really want to message her and just say that I'd love to chat and have another chance at dating her, but promise I'd be a lot less eager and would just take things much slower! It doesn't feel like a rebound as I do genuinely like her and we seemed to be pretty much alike in just about everything with the same interests, outlook on life etc. She made me laugh, smile and feel appreciated more in just 2/3 weeks and a couple of dates than I have felt for the last 4 years. They say that sometimes when you meet someone, you know straight away that they are exactly what you're looking for, and now I'm worried that she was that person and I've messed it up! I keep thinking about her all the time, she's "liked" a couple of posts that I've put on my social media over the last couple of days about my girls, a d I just really want to message her and ask her for another chance, but I just think she'd say no, she told me on our first date that when she decides someone isn't for her, then she would never go back on herself, so I doubt she'd contemplate giving me a chance, but I just want to try!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 9, 2020 Share Posted October 9, 2020 Think positive. Whether or not it works out with this woman, it's great that you had a couple of fantastic dates. That bodes well for the future whatever happens with her. It sounds like you've been starved for love and affection for a while, so it makes sense you're so gaga already. Don't shoot yourself in the foot with all the gloom and doom. Put that behind you and move on to better days. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brokendad Posted October 9, 2020 Author Share Posted October 9, 2020 39 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: Think positive. Whether or not it works out with this woman, it's great that you had a couple of fantastic dates. That bodes well for the future whatever happens with her. It sounds like you've been starved for love and affection for a while, so it makes sense you're so gaga already. Don't shoot yourself in the foot with all the gloom and doom. Put that behind you and move on to better days. The thing is, I've always been really shy and nervous around women and it took me weeks to get even a little comfortable with my wife (ex). But with this girl, from the first moment I met her, I felt like I could talk and be myself straight away and all my normal nerves and insecurities just vanished instantly. It's hard to explain, but it was like I'd known her for years. I hadn't laughed, smiled or felt as good about myself for years. I'm going to be honest, I'm finding it so hard to not message her and ask for a second chance, apologise for how I was too much for her and say that I'd love another chance but that I'd take it much more slowly and relaxed and would just see how things turned out, but I don't know if I should do or not?! Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 9, 2020 Share Posted October 9, 2020 She told you she wants to see you again, but in a few weeks. She's liking your social media posts, so that's a good sign. The best thing you can do is give her a little space, maybe text a little now and then, and ask her out again in a couple of weeks. She already said you're "too much," so you need to slow your roll. I know you think this woman is the be-all end-all already, but I don't think your success was all about her. I'm pretty sure there are LOTS of single mothers out there who do best dating single fathers. So whatever happens with her, I don't think you're going to have any problem eventually finding a better relationship than you had with your ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brokendad Posted October 9, 2020 Author Share Posted October 9, 2020 Just now, Ruby Slippers said: She told you she wants to see you again, but in a few weeks. She's liking your social media posts, so that's a good sign. The best thing you can do is give her a little space, maybe text a little now and then, and ask her out again in a couple of weeks. She already said you're "too much," so you need to slow your roll. I know you think this woman is the be-all end-all already, but I don't think your success was all about her. I'm pretty sure there are LOTS of single mothers out there who do best dating single fathers. So whatever happens with her, I don't think you're going to have any problem eventually finding a better relationship than you had with your ex. Well she originally said she wanted to see me again, but then a couple of days ago she messaged me saying "Sorry I havent messaged you sooner but I've been thinking about our conversations etc. I dont think I'd like to pursue this any further at this point because it feels very intense after only 2 dates and like we have different expectations on what to expect so early on. I think a lot of you, you're a funny, kind guy and thank you for 2 lovely dates, I enjoyed our time together. I hope my honesty hasnt upset you or put you off dating etc. I hope you're situation with the girls gets resolved and that you can be happy! Xx" so that's her saying she doesn't want to see me again haha! But I can see how I was getting too intense now as I was sort of caught in a whirlwind with her and got over excited I guess, which I really do regret as if I just calmed it down a bit then we'd still be chatting and dating. I've been on the dating sites since and just messaged a few other people, but nobody ever replies (I honestly look about 15, am shy, don't know what to say on messages etc) so I really don't know how to start things to be honest. This girl replied straight away though, and we hit it off straight away to be honest. So you think I can just message her and ask how her week has been and just apologize for the way I acted and ask for another try but aslong as I tone it down and just chill it a bit?! Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 9, 2020 Share Posted October 9, 2020 3 minutes ago, Brokendad said: So you think I can just message her and ask how her week has been and just apologize for the way I acted and ask for another try but aslong as I tone it down and just chill it a bit? I don't think there is anything wrong with messaging her with something like - "Hey, I'm sorry if I came on too strong. I'd like a chance to maybe ask you how your day has gone once in awhile, and perhaps down the road we can date a little more casually when you feel comfortable with the idea?" You can re-word that to fit, but something to that effect is fine, IMO. What have you got to lose? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 9, 2020 Share Posted October 9, 2020 You can try it again, but give her a little time and space. And yes, keep trying to date others. My main point is think positive. You're taking good steps. Focus on everything that's going right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 9, 2020 Share Posted October 9, 2020 On 10/6/2020 at 2:18 PM, Brokendad said: since then, she's been a bit distant and has text me saying that I'm a bit "too much" at times for her. She's said that she would like to see me again but because if her work and childcare issues, it wouldn't be for a few weeks, which I don't think would work as that's too much of a gap after just a couple of dates. Sorry to hear that. It does sound like way too much, way too soon. Especially in-house dates for date 1 and 2 and sex on date 2. You need to slow way down. Maybe if you give her some space things will come around. Relax breathe deep don't rush or suffocate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brokendad Posted October 9, 2020 Author Share Posted October 9, 2020 I messaged her this: "Hey ****. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the way I was acting the other day. I have gone through our messages etc and I really was coming over as way too much and I can see it now. I keep kicking myself as I really was enjoying speaking to you and the dates were pretty amazing in my opinion! I know you told me when we were out last Sunday that you never give second chances normally etc, but I have nothing to lose here so I'm going to ask! I'd just really like to chat again, I would promise to be more chilled and calm and just take things as they come. We were getting on really nicely and I'd just like a chance of talking with you again and taking it a lot more chilled and whatnot?! I hope you've had a lovely week. You can tell me to **** off if you want, but thought I'd try!! Xx" I hope that sounds ok!! Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 9, 2020 Share Posted October 9, 2020 It sounds okay, I just would have kept it very short and to the point, but since you sent it, you'll just have to wait and see! Best of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 9, 2020 Share Posted October 9, 2020 You kind of remind me of my boyfriend from a couple years ago. Very intense, passionate, and enthusiastic about everything. I'm not sure someone like that can "be cool" when excited. I hope it works out for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brokendad Posted October 9, 2020 Author Share Posted October 9, 2020 Well she read it 15 minutes ago but no reply, normally she'd reply pretty much instantly as soon as she read my message, so I do t think that's a good sign haha! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brokendad Posted October 9, 2020 Author Share Posted October 9, 2020 I just got this reply from her, I'm guessing that's those hopes of mine dashed! "Hola! Lol. Apology accepted, I dont hold grudges but I dont forget either. I'm glad you can see how intense your messages were, especially after only 2 dates, and I hope you can learn from it for future. I still stand by the fact that I dont want to pursue things any further atm, however I am happy to chat as friends. X" Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 9, 2020 Share Posted October 9, 2020 (edited) Watch out - you're being friendzoned. It's not good. You'll be wanting more and she'll be keeping you at arm's length. Permanently. My advice - don't do this to yourself - take a deep breath, accept it's over, wait a couple of days and move on to whoever's next. Forget about her. It's not right and you wanting it to be, however intensely, will NOT make it so. There will be others, if you let it happen. From everything I hear, single moms have it rough. Edited October 9, 2020 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
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