Deep rooted fear of emotional intimacy / self-sabotaging

[Emilie Jolie]

Having spent more time than is good for me reading posts on LS in the last few weeks, I'm slowly starting to realise that what is stopping me from fully opening myself up to a potential romantic partner is a very deep rooted fear of emotional intimacy.

Everything else in my life is as stable as can be in the current circumstances: job, family, long-standing friendships, etc.

I value the people in my life immensely - my oldest friend I met when we were 3, I'm good at keeping in touch with people I care about, I'm trustworthy, a good listener and I take people at face-value. I'm fairly secure in myself, I've reasonably good resolution skills and have even managed to kind of patch things up with my 'evil' ex.

BUT

I have put up so many (mostly unconscious) barriers that I have made it almost impossible for myself to open up fully in a relationship. I'm not normally avoidant in other areas of my life, but with men I am. I have good male friends, I get on well with my friends' husbands, so it's not as though I don't 'like' men or their company.

But I've been on a non-stop self-sabotaging mission for the past 6 years one way or the other with every guy I have met. A couple straight up weren't a good match, but it's not always been the case. For some reason, I always find a reason to screw it up - I think for fear of emotional intimacy. I don't know what I'm scared of exactly, though but I assume it's to do with not trusting my own emotional reaction to stuff (a bit erratic, because I have trouble expressing or making sense of them).

I have never really seen it so clearly before now - it's just clicked reading one of @poppyfieldsposts somewhere on the forum. 

I know I have some issues to resolve before I can even entertain the idea of truly letting someone in; I also know it's not something that can be resolved in 5 minutes. But I think I'm finally 'readying myself' for the possibility, at least. 

My question: is there anything in the early stages of meeting someone that I should actively avoid doing, or actively do or look for to put myself and the guy at ease without going overboard or give the impression I'm not interested when I am? Should I straightforwardly say I'm not great at these things and hope they cut me some slack? Or do I 'fake it till I make it' (bearing in mind I'm not great at that either)?

 

 

[neowulf]

Ok, here's my practical dating tips 

1. Breath.  Be authentic.  Don't start "day dreaming" up a relationship in your head.  Take it a step at a time.
2. Ask questions and do your best to really listen and engage a person.  People love it when someone takes the time to take a real interest in them.
3. Don't talk for an hour non-stop.  Let the conversation ebb and flow.  No one enjoys being talked at.
4. Remind yourself that you control how fast a relationship develops.  If someone pushes you too fast?  Put the brakes on.  Don't be afraid to move at a speed that allows you to feel comfortable.  That trust you crave will slowly grow, as you share experiences.
5. Finally, accept that after being alone for a while, we all become set in our ways.  Try and remind yourself that each person is unique and will have a unique way of seeing the world that wildly different to your own.  Try and be open to that, instead of dismissive.  

Good luck on your journey and try to remember, don't force stuff.  The best stuff doesn't need to be forced.

[MeadowFlower]

Dam, I'm similar. I don't open up at all, and it hurts that people look down on me for that. And it sucks that it can ruin things or they think I'm not interested when I am.

 

18 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Or do I 'fake it till I make it' (bearing in mind I'm not great at that either)?

No don't fake it... 

[Emilie Jolie]

Thank you both.

@neowulfThat's the kind of advice I would give other people! Point taken, though. 

@MeadowFlowerNo faking, ok.

So do I tell them straight up I'm not in my comfort zone, and keep fingers crossed they won't take advantage?

Is there anything else I should keep in mind?

[FMW]

Unless your relationship progresses and there are issues that require discussion, no, do not tell someone early on that you're not in your comfort zone.  I'm sure you wouldn't mean it this way, but I think that would come off as if you were expecting the other person to show extra care and patience with you, which is not their job.

Read, journal, have therapy if you think it might help, and don't date unless/until you feel able to manage your own issues.  Treat meeting new guys and going on dates as just an enjoyable low key opportunity to chat with someone and find out if you might be interested in seeing them more.  Approach it in a relaxed way. Don't get ahead of yourself or any relationship you have with someone, take it as it comes and don't rush.  As you work your way through relationships this way you will get more comfortable and eventually (hopefully) be ready to have more emotional intimacy when the time is right.  It's not something that should be at issue right up front or with just anyone and everyone.  

[Emilie Jolie]

Thank you @FMW- you make some good points.

I agree it's not the guy's job to show extra care, but it's kind of what I actually need, unfortunately. I feel like I need to give them fair warning that I take forever to relax (emotionally), or I come off as guarded or cold - which is one big reason things don't progress, I guess. I'm actually not that guarded when you get to know me, though, but people don't generally want to take that sort of gamble.

The guys I've met up to now have all been by happenstance - there's never been any active effort on my part to 'look for' someone. I wonder whether that may be part of the problem.

 

[FMW]

No, I don't think looking would be a good idea, just keep things the way they've been as far as meeting guys.  

The guy I'm involved with encourages me to open up with him more, although honestly most of the time I don't realize I'm holding back.  I think what helps things progress with us is that I have always been very affectionate with, I'm not physically guarded, so he knows that I really do have feelings for him by the way I look at him and how I act with him.  We talk a lot about things he is dealing with and gradually I'm getting more and more comfortable sharing my own issues with him.  Not all guys might be ok with that slower progression, but then those guys wouldn't be a good match for me.

I think you need to see things that way as well - the right guy will be paying attention to what you say and do and the understanding and patience will be there.  You won't have to establish a baseline right up front.  You need to show interest and at least some warmth, but you don't have to be completely open and all in from the get go.  

[Emilie Jolie]

3 hours ago, FMW said:

I think you need to see things that way as well - the right guy will be paying attention to what you say and do and the understanding and patience will be there.  You won't have to establish a baseline right up front.  You need to show interest and at least some warmth, but you don't have to be completely open and all in from the get go.

That makes complete sense, thank you.

I think I need to work on finding a way to express how I feel without overwhelming myself or freaking myself out and / or I need to find a guy with zen superpowers who can take it in his stride without freaking out himself. Simple.