Does she just want to be friends?

[Frazzle]

I have a female friend who I've known for 10 years.  We're very close and consider each other to be siblings.  We never thought about dating each other.  I might have found her attractive when I first met her but it quickly morphed into a close friendship.  She even introduced me to my last girlfriend.  She also dated my last girlfriend's brother so we definitely have a lot of common links.  We dated members of the same family and both of our relationships ended badly so we went through the grieving process together.  

In August, she mentioned that we should be roommates when we're 50 if we're still single at that time.  I half-jokingly said that we should get married if we're both still single at 50.  Much to my surprise, she stated that she would consider marrying me.  Then, I said maybe we should get married at 37 since I wanted to have kids and start a family soon.  She said that I could go on a dating spree and then marry her at 37.  I told her that my feelings weren't there yet and she agreed to that we should take our time.  She also stated that I was the only person she could see herself marrying at this point and went on to jokingly say that we could skip the dating phase and go straight to marriage.  She said that some of the best relationships came from friendships.

From that point on, I started to entertain the idea of dating and marrying her more seriously.  I used to talk to her about relationships and women since we were like siblings but she began to get jealous every time I talked about women with her.  She also changed her mind and stated that she wouldn't marry me if I dated other girls because she didn't want to be a backup option.  I started getting jealous of her male friends as well and acting out of character.  She started talking to some guys after her relationship ended to get over her ex and I got jealous.  We started become flirtier with each other and it seemed to be going well.  

In November, I told her about my feelings and stated that I could see a future with her.  She stated that we should wait until next year because she was going through some tough times in her life as well as some health issues.  She also said she wanted to be sure that I had genuine feelings for her and that I wasn't just going through a "crisis."  She stated that she wanted to make sure that I was the right choice because she wanted our relationship to be the last relationship.  I lived far away so when I came back to see her in November, we started hanging out and were pretty flirty with each other.  We planned to go to an arboretum so I could take pictures for her.  The next day, she stated that she had stayed up late the night before and didn't have time to get ready so she didn't want to pictures.  I insisted that we take pictures and so she went along with it.  Everything seemed fine during the trip but after the trip she went silent for 1-2 days.  She took a whole day to respond to my texts.  When I asked her what was wrong, she stated that she needed some space because she was going through some family and personal issues. I gave her the space she needed but began to worry about her so I asked her what was wrong.  She finally told me that she felt that I was invading her space recently and that I was trying to control or interfere in her life.  She stated that she felt scared because I kept pushing her to be in a relationship and said that she was not there yet.  She also stated that she learned that I was controlling and possessive through this episode and that scared her as well.  She stated that she's used to seeing me as a friend and that things couldn't change overnight.  She also said that she felt as though I was rushing to be in a relationship.

Long story short, after a lot of drama, she told me that I should not wait for her and that I should live my life and date other women.  We had many conversations that went nowhere and only stressed both of us.  I think we were at the breaking point in our friendship and so I decided to take a step back and told her that I would go back to being her "brother" and close friend.  She thanked me and stated that she knew I would come to that conclusion and that she wasn't too worried.

Things have slowly returned to normal for us but when I asked her for dating advice, she was not as helpful as before and I felt a little jealousy from her.  I asked her to introduce me to her friend and she seemed very reluctant to introduce me.  I had asked her to introduce me to this friend before when we were just friends and she was super enthusiastic about it (it never happened for various reasons).  Also, when I met her and apologized to her in person for the way I acted recently, she said that I didn't owe her an apology and that she was just scared because multiple people were pushing her for a relationship at the same time.  She stated that it just wasn't good timing and that she needed to rebuild her life.  

Does she just want to be friends or is she leaving the door open for something more down the road?  She stated that it wasn't good timing right now but that could just be an excuse.  However, she's promised to be upfront with me because she knows I'm not very good at reading the between the lines.  Also, why did she act jealous and reluctant to introduce me to her friends if she was the one who told me to go ahead and date other girls?  I'm trying to go back to the way we were before but I realized that I still have feelings for her.  I don't want to bring up the topic of dating or a relationship with her again because she said it was stressing her out and she didn't want to talk about it anymore.  I was pushing her further and further away every time I brought up the topic so I promised her that I wouldn't talk about it again.  What should I do at this point?    

Edited December 26, 2020 by Frazzle

[FMW]

Don't ask her to introduce you to anyone, etc.  Don't talk about other women with her.  Go ahead and date other women, but don't make her any part of that. 

Just take her at her word, and stop trying to analyze what she says for other meanings.  Back off for awhile and let her have some space.  If/when she's ready to talk to you or see you, she'll reach out, whether as just a friend or clearly expressing more interest.  Regardless of whether or not she might have interest in you beyond just friends, she clearly doesn't want to do anything about it right now.

Put your romantic focus elsewhere.      

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Frazzle said:

.  We're very close and consider each other to be siblings.  

Step back from this. Do not try to date her. A little creepy to feel like brother/sister and want to date.

The best thing you can do is broaden your interests. That means make more friends through clubs, groups, hobbies, interests, sports, taking classes, volunteering,etc.

This way you can meet a wide variety of people, possibly women you could date.

Also get on some quality dating apps with a good profile and pics and start talking to and meeting women.

Distance yourself from your opposite-sex friends if you start getting romantic ideas about it.

 

Edited December 26, 2020 by Wiseman2

[dramafreezone]

Just date other women.  I think it's safe to say that she doesn't see you in any romantic capacity.  That could change but she's certainly not there right now.  All of that talk about you two getting together when you're 50 or whatever further confirms that.  Why doesn't she want to get with you *right now?*. She's saying if all of my options are gone in 20 years, then I'll date you.  Not a good implication of how she views you.  I'm guessing you're generally agreeable, which is why she could see settling down with you in the future, but that doesn't mean she's all that attracted to you.

Focus on yourself, date other women.  If she comes back around and you're interested, then see where it goes.  You trying to force things isn't going to raise her interest though.

Edited December 29, 2020 by dramafreezone

[Foxhall]

On 12/26/2020 at 1:55 AM, Frazzle said:

idn't have time to get ready so she didn't want to pictures.  I insisted that we take pictures and so she went along with it.

Your problem is quite clear as you describe above, you also state that she said she found you controlling and possessive,

work on developing a more relaxed "go with the flow attitude" and try not to be as pushy with your women,

I think you can still change this in your 30s

[Cookiesandough]

Yeah, I think she just wants to be your friend. You know, just as a general rule, men befriend women because they find them attractive and  women befriend men because they want someone to talk to and help them out with things. Just a rule of thumb for future reference