Relationship with girl over Pandemic

[Pringle01]

Hey all, this is my first thread but I have resorted to this as i need some real advice as to what to do in my current situation. It's a bit long but i want to explain everything and then also a series of recent events and how i should play it out.

 

So me and this girl have been talking over this quarantine period. We started talking around (May) time. I am from London, she is from Manchester (But currently lives in Liverpool because of university).

The first few months of us talking (May-July) was absolutely amazing, it is how you expect it to be with someone. Especially with the whole long distance and COVID issue, we got so close and things eventually got a bit sexual over the phone.

One day she messaged me saying "She wanted to talk" and basically explained to me that we were "moving to fast.". Mainly considering that we havent ever met in person. I said that's fine and i explained i would make sure we go at a pace that's comfortable for the both of us.

Now a big thing about me is, I am a massive OVERTHINKER, like it hurts me how my overthinking causes so many issues. So after we had that talk, she became a bit distant from me, me with my overthinking i thought she completely was put off by me and i called her and went off on one. I said to her if she isn't interested in me then not to lead me on. She said that she still liked me, this pattern continued a few times. (Her not speaking to me, and me making a phone call saying why she isn't the same). It got to the point where she was fed up and we had a huge argument and she ended up blocking me. (This was around the month of August).

So she blocked me for around a month time. During this period i was so sad and it got to the point i was making instagram accounts to say i was sorry about how i acted and how i cant help my overthinking.

So basically a week or so before university started (Start of September). She requested to follow me on instagram, i was at a point where i was getting over her. I accepted her request and followed her back.

She didn't message me for 2 weeks. 

When university started i ended up dming her saying if there was a reason why she followed me back, she said "Am i not allowed to". I asked for a phone call and we basically both spoke about the argument that we previously had and we both said we missed each other.

Her behaviour of not talking to me unless I approached her started again. This time around i was annoyed. She particularly said things like "I am watching a movie with my mate" and other things which made me think she is getting with another guy. I got really angry and with my overthinking I told her that she was mean and twofaced to come back into my life after breaking my heart once.

I was completely done with her, i was in my final year of uni and last thing i wanted was to be sulking over her during my freshers week. I blocked her and in my head i was completely done with her. (I blocked her September and this lasted till December)

So when I got back from university for christmas break, all my feelings for her started flooding back, i think psychologically because i got my room redecorated when she blocked me the first time and when i arrived back i was picturing us talking and the arguments we had.

As you may have guessed. I unblocked her and followed her. She DMd me saying what i wanted. I said to her that it was wrong of me to accuse you and call you all those names ( as at the end of the day i was assuming them) She wanted to talk to me over the phone. We didn't talk about the past, we just caught up and the phone call was amazing back how it used to be. Towards the end of the call she asked me "do you feel awkward talking to me after everything that happened". I said "No" and vice versa was the same.  She then asked me if "I  was just saying an apology or if i wanted to start talking again", i said "it would be great to start talking again", she said with a like a happy tone ""I guess we will have to see! :)"

So since we started speaking again, we have had 3 calls, the first is when she wanted to call me, the second i asked her if she wasnt busy to call me - she did. The third was last night where i called her.

Now that i have explained the situation i want to now tell you the issue i am having and i need advice on how to best cope.

There was a time where she would call me in the morning, during the day and, everyday before bed. As well as send me messages and memes all day.

I know we are not at the stage of that yet and it would take time to get back to this stage but my issue is, She doesn't message me at all. Like there has been once where she has replied to my story. But between our calls are usually a 3 day gap and i feel like other than the first call i have to initiate the call or tell her to call me and in my head its like i think about her all the time and want to message her. She also still has me blocked on everything except instagram. Even my number is blocked and when i raise it with her she said i have unblocked you, but clearly she hasn't. I sent her an SMS thinking she recieved it and aired me but because i am blocked she didn't recieve it.

There are a few ways i want to either continue this or end this . Please let me know which you think is best. Or Alternatives

1) I dont contact her at all and see if she reaches out to me: How long do i wait to see if she reaches out? If she doesn't what do i say/She does what do i say?

2) I call her again today and explain my issue because communication is key and maybe we are on two different pages and it would be best to talk it out.

 

[Wiseman2]

Is there any possibility now with new coronavirus restrictions of dating locally? Meeting people in real life in person?

Perhaps this has run it's course with all the drama of blocking/unblocking,etc.

Try talking to others who are closer by and you can safely meet in the future.

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you ever met this girl in person?

This is an incredible amount of drama for someone that you’re not even dating. It seems pretty clear that she doesn’t have any intention of being more than friends with you, so it’s best that you read between the lines and leave it be. 

Time to let this go, OP. 

[Emilie Jolie]

Option 3 - leave each other be for good.

She's blocked you everywhere but instagram, so it's unlikely she wants to 'rekindle' anything.

Acting like you are in a relationship, calling her names and accusing her of cheating while you've not even met (have I got that right?) is, well, not great. This isn't an LDR, this is a fantasy imo.

My take is that your 'overthinking' is suffocating / scaring her.

Do both of you a favour, and end this permanently.

Also, I'm gently suggesting talking to a professional to help you deal with your anxiety, controlling tendancies and anger issues, even before considering getting into an actual relationship. I don't believe any partner will want to deal with that sort of behaviour, online or offline (sorry!).

35 minutes ago, Pringle01 said:

we are on two different pages

In a nutshell.

 

[Pringle01]

57 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Option 3 - leave each other be for good.

She's blocked you everywhere but instagram, so it's unlikely she wants to 'rekindle' anything.

Acting like you are in a relationship, calling her names and accusing her of cheating while you've not even met (have I got that right?) is, well, not great. This isn't an LDR, this is a fantasy imo.

My take is that your 'overthinking' is suffocating / scaring her.

Do both of you a favour, and end this permanently.

Also, I'm gently suggesting talking to a professional to help you deal with your anxiety, controlling tendancies and anger issues, even before considering getting into an actual relationship. I don't believe any partner will want to deal with that sort of behaviour, online or offline (sorry!).

In a nutshell.

 

Thanks Emilie. 

Do you recommend i have a polite conversation telling her its best not to move forward then, it's just the conversations we have over the phone. She's been so happy talking to me and vice versa. So it's like i get mixed signals.

 

But i understand what you're saying.

[Emilie Jolie]

13 minutes ago, Pringle01 said:

Thanks Emilie. 

Do you recommend i have a polite conversation telling her its best not to move forward then, it's just the conversations we have over the phone. She's been so happy talking to me and vice versa. So it's like i get mixed signals.

 

But i understand what you're saying.

It is. That's on her. She should take full responsibility for that and have been clearer in her comms. Maybe she genuinely thought a friendship would come of it?

As for getting back in touch, not everyone needs closure. My assumption is that since you're blocked everywhere, she won't be heartbroken if you leave it be. But it also depends on what note you want to leave it, @Pringle01 - do you think this conversation can be handled civilly, with both wishing the other luck and good fortune in future, with no resentment, displaced anger or trying to 'rekindle' something that never really was?

Only you can answer this in good faith 🙂.

[Pringle01]

2 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

It is. That's on her. She should take full responsibility for that and have been clearer in her comms. Maybe she genuinely thought a friendship would come of it?

As for getting back in touch, not everyone needs closure. My assumption is that since you're blocked everywhere, she won't be heartbroken if you leave it be. But it also depends on what note you want to leave it, @Pringle01 - do you think this conversation can be handled civilly, with both wishing the other luck and good fortune in future, with no resentment, displaced anger or trying to 'rekindle' something that never really was?

Only you can answer this in good faith 🙂.

Thing is when we call she says things like. (To give an example) she was like to me if you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? Then we both answered the same country and she was like "right then we'll move there together in the future."

It's things like that when she says i feel like she is still interested but for now has her guard up? Please tell me i am wrong? 

I have such strong feelings for this girl and would do anything to change myself for the sake of her.

I personally want her to initiate a call/text next and it would give me a sense of feeling if she is actually still interested in something more than a friendship, if you still think this is wrong, let me know.

And to answer your question, yes it can be, but she is most likely going to ask why i came to that decision and blame my overthinking again haha

[ExpatInItaly]

45 minutes ago, Pringle01 said:

I have such strong feelings for this girl and would do anything to change myself for the sake of her.

This is terribly unhealthy, Pringle.

It means you have no sense of self, and lack healthy balance in your life and your emotions. No mature, healthy woman (and I’m a woman too) is going to be too eager to be with a guy who has no respect for himself and no clue who he really is.  It’s just not an attractive quality in a man.

This is even more concerning if we factor in the question I don’t think you’ve answered yet: have you ever met her in person?

 

Edited December 26, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, Pringle01 said:

It's things like that when she says i feel like she is still interested but for now has her guard up? Please tell me i am wrong? 

You're wrong - sorry.

You have not met, you aren't in a relationship, you are/were two people talking fantasy over the phone, with one of you (you) far more invested than the other; too much invested, in fact. This gives off clingy, needy vibes that are not particularly reassuring (again, sorry).

 

1 hour ago, Pringle01 said:

I personally want her to initiate a call/text next and it would give me a sense of feeling if she is actually still interested in something more than a friendship, if you still think this is wrong, let me know.

I don't think it'll happen, sorry. She's blocked you everywhere, @Pringle01 - logic says she won't get in touch with you.

1 hour ago, Pringle01 said:

And to answer your question, yes it can be, but she is most likely going to ask why i came to that decision and blame my overthinking again haha

It would be a good idea to work on your 'overthinking' as you put it, for your own sake.

Hopefully she also will have learned lessons from this, namely to keep better boundaries and cut things off at the first signs of 'overthinking'.

In conclusion, you really need to move on.

 

 

[Pringle01]

26 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

You're wrong - sorry.

You have not met, you aren't in a relationship, you are/were two people talking fantasy over the phone, with one of you (you) far more invested than the other; too much invested, in fact. This gives off clingy, needy vibes that are not particularly reassuring (again, sorry).

 

I don't think it'll happen, sorry. She's blocked you everywhere, @Pringle01 - logic says she won't get in touch with you.

It would be a good idea to work on your 'overthinking' as you put it, for your own sake.

Hopefully she also will have learned lessons from this, namely to keep better boundaries and cut things off at the first signs of 'overthinking'.

In conclusion, you really need to move on.

 

 

Sure, sounds good.

Thanks for the advice. I would rather someone tell me clearly then some people give me false info, like a few other forums have.

 

Ill remove her from my life, and use this as a lesson haha.

 

[MJJean]

4 hours ago, Pringle01 said:

One day she messaged me saying "She wanted to talk" and basically explained to me that we were "moving to fast.". Mainly considering that we havent ever met in person. I said that's fine and i explained i would make sure we go at a pace that's comfortable for the both of us.

She was absolutely correct. You were taking an online thing way too seriously. First, you're young. Most people in your age group aren't looking for a serious relationship. Second, you've never met. You don't actually know each other. You know what you've allowed each other to see and that's all. You don't even know if you have chemistry. You imagine you do, but that is just imagination. 

 

4 hours ago, Pringle01 said:

So after we had that talk, she became a bit distant from me, me with my overthinking i thought she completely was put off by me and i called her and went off on one. I said to her if she isn't interested in me then not to lead me on. She said that she still liked me, this pattern continued a few times. (Her not speaking to me, and me making a phone call saying why she isn't the same). It got to the point where she was fed up and we had a huge argument and she ended up blocking me. (This was around the month of August).

So, she asked for space and your response was to call her and "go off" on her for taking the space she asked for? And then you did it a few more times? Good God, man!  She was right to block you

 

4 hours ago, Pringle01 said:

i was so sad and it got to the point i was making instagram accounts to say i was sorry about how i acted and how i cant help my overthinking.

That is stalkerish behavior. Not a good look. Also, creepy as all Hell.

And, yes, you can help your overthinking with many different techniques and some mental discipline.

4 hours ago, Pringle01 said:

Her behaviour of not talking to me unless I approached her started again. This time around i was annoyed. She particularly said things like "I am watching a movie with my mate" and other things which made me think she is getting with another guy. I got really angry and with my overthinking I told her that she was mean and twofaced to come back into my life after breaking my heart once.

She has a life, you know. Friends, family, classes, hobbies, interests, and so on. Frankly, you aren't her romantic partner and what she does with whomever she decides to do it is not your business. You had no cause to question her activities or to get emotional or to call her names. You were way out of bounds.

 

4 hours ago, Pringle01 said:

There was a time where she would call me in the morning, during the day and, everyday before bed. As well as send me messages and memes all day.

I know we are not at the stage of that yet and it would take time to get back to this stage but my issue is, She doesn't message me at all. Like there has been once where she has replied to my story. But between our calls are usually a 3 day gap and i feel like other than the first call i have to initiate the call or tell her to call me and in my head its like i think about her all the time and want to message her. She also still has me blocked on everything except instagram. Even my number is blocked and when i raise it with her she said i have unblocked you, but clearly she hasn't. I sent her an SMS thinking she recieved it and aired me but because i am blocked she didn't recieve it.

Why do you assume you'll get to "that stage"? Everything you relayed to us seems to indicate she is willing to have a something of a limited friendship with you. She is not interested in you the way you are interested in her. You thinking about her all the time is obsessive and not healthy.

2 hours ago, Pringle01 said:

when we call she says things like. (To give an example) she was like to me if you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? Then we both answered the same country and she was like "right then we'll move there together in the future."

This is a lighthearted thing and not to be taken seriously. It's akin to playing pretend. It's about imagination and flights of fancy. My girlfriend and I used to do this all the time when we were younger. We still do every so often even in our middle age.

2 hours ago, Pringle01 said:

have such strong feelings for this girl and would do anything to change myself for the sake of her.

This is highly unhealthy, as well. There is nothing wrong with aspiring to be a better you. Self improvement for the benefit of self is good. There is everything wrong with trying to become someone else to get the attention of a girl. No good ever comes of that. 

Have you been evaluated for OCD by a professional? "Overthinking" and obsessing are synonymous. Perhaps you have OCD and treatment could help.

 

[DarrenB]

Way too much baggage for something that was so short-term, cut your loss dude

[Lotsgoingon]

How old are you two? This is way too much talking and drama before eating meeting each other. 

 

[Pringle01]

22 hours ago, MJJean said:

She was absolutely correct. You were taking an online thing way too seriously. First, you're young. Most people in your age group aren't looking for a serious relationship. Second, you've never met. You don't actually know each other. You know what you've allowed each other to see and that's all. You don't even know if you have chemistry. You imagine you do, but that is just imagination. 

 

So, she asked for space and your response was to call her and "go off" on her for taking the space she asked for? And then you did it a few more times? Good God, man!  She was right to block you

 

That is stalkerish behavior. Not a good look. Also, creepy as all Hell.

And, yes, you can help your overthinking with many different techniques and some mental discipline.

She has a life, you know. Friends, family, classes, hobbies, interests, and so on. Frankly, you aren't her romantic partner and what she does with whomever she decides to do it is not your business. You had no cause to question her activities or to get emotional or to call her names. You were way out of bounds.

 

Why do you assume you'll get to "that stage"? Everything you relayed to us seems to indicate she is willing to have a something of a limited friendship with you. She is not interested in you the way you are interested in her. You thinking about her all the time is obsessive and not healthy.

This is a lighthearted thing and not to be taken seriously. It's akin to playing pretend. It's about imagination and flights of fancy. My girlfriend and I used to do this all the time when we were younger. We still do every so often even in our middle age.

This is highly unhealthy, as well. There is nothing wrong with aspiring to be a better you. Self improvement for the benefit of self is good. There is everything wrong with trying to become someone else to get the attention of a girl. No good ever comes of that. 

Have you been evaluated for OCD by a professional? "Overthinking" and obsessing are synonymous. Perhaps you have OCD and treatment could help.

 

[edited to remove berating remark] I am 20 years old, this is my first online experience and you are saying i need treatment and a professional? Ok my actions were wrong, i am still learning about relationships. I now know how to act next time and learn from the mistakes i made. 

I have had some useful advice by some people and some people are accusing me of some absolute absurd things.

[edited to remove inappropriate language]. 

Edited December 27, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited to remove inappropriate language and berating remarks

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Pringle01 said:

[edited to remove berating remarks] I am 20 years old, this is my first online experience and you are saying i need treatment and a professional? Ok my actions were wrong, i am still learning about relationships. I now know how to act next time and learn from the mistakes i made. 

OP, with respect - there are some concerning behaviours from you that you didn't appear to truly realize before. It is not related to how old you or any posters are.

Creating accounts to repeatedly contact someone who has indicated they don't wish to be in touch is inappropriate. So is getting as upset as you did with her, when you two have never been more than chat buddies. Your emotional attachment to this girl is troubling, on many levels. Writing this off as "overthinking" is not the way to go. That's not say that to you are a genuine threat to her, but you seem to lack a real sense of who you are and are far too willing to twist yourself into whatever you think she want. You have  measured your self-worth based on your interactions with a person you haven't met in real life. That isn't good for you. 

It is positive that you now recognize where you crossed some boundaries, and hopefully can apply those lessons moving forward. There is nothing to repair or revive with this specific girl, so it's going to be best that you move on from her and work on your self-esteem so you don't develop unhealthy attachments in the future. 

Edited December 27, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited to remove berating remark in quoted post

[Millennial]

1 hour ago, Pringle01 said:

[edited to remove berating remark] I am 20 years old, this is my first online experience and you are saying i need treatment and a professional? Ok my actions were wrong, i am still learning about relationships. I now know how to act next time and learn from the mistakes i made. 

I have had some useful advice by some people and some people are accusing me of some absolute absurd things.

[edited to remove inappropriate language]. 

Americans are obsessed about therapy for some reason.

Can't now, but why didn't you meet earlier in the year?

Sounds like she is messing you about a bit. You sound like an earnest guy who maybe could do with taking things slightly less seriously.

Edited December 27, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited to remove inappropriate language in quoted post

[MJJean]

On 12/27/2020 at 10:24 AM, Millennial said:

Americans are obsessed about therapy for some reason.

Can't now, but why didn't you meet earlier in the year?

Sounds like she is messing you about a bit. You sound like an earnest guy who maybe could do with taking things slightly less seriously.

This young man is seriously behaving like someone with OCD or some other mental illness. In case you didn't read the entire thread, the young woman in question was NOT in a relationship with him. They were internet chat buddies. The relationship is in OP's head. He went as far as creating multiple accounts to contact her after she made clear she did now want contact with him. He berated her for going out with friends because, apparently, this meant she was cheating. While not being in a relationship, mind you.

Either the OP gets therapy or he goes on as he has been and some woman has him charged. He's lucky this young woman didn't report him for stalking. Just the online harassment alone is grounds for a PPO in many states.

[fred123]

completely disagree with all these posters.Do you know how many people have met online and have chatted cor ages and were in 'relationships'. Then met up.

youtube it, reddit it etc how ever you want. I personally know 2 people who did what OP did. please dont say he was imagining a relationship and they were just chat buddies. Because then you have to explain all the thousands of others

[trident_2020]

It's not real until you meet. No matter how you slice and dice it and throw numbers around.