Fiancé Appears to Be Cheating. W/ Male Coworker.

[dontcallmeshirley]

I'm all but certain my (32F) fiancé (45M) is ... engaging in an inappropriate relationship with a male coworker (43M). 

Coworker openly identifies as bi and has clearly hit on my fiancé right in front of me. Over the last year their "relationship" (which I'm being sworn to over and over is "just work") has gotten more and more inappropriate every day. It started with my fiancé giving something to this guy that not only was mine but was a gift my fiancé had given me when we first got together. (I work construction, he gave this other dude my tool bags.) Every day since then it's gotten worse. And I'm not exaggerating.

My fiancé now lies to me about being with this guy, during "work" or not. He quit getting paid WEEKS ago but still goes 7 days a week sometimes 12 hours a day... Has even drained MY money from the bank account to be able to support gas, food and cigarettes for "work". 

On my birthday fiancé texts this guy that fiancé  has a surprise for dude.... Goes to work all day on my birthday (was a Saturday)... Forgot my birthday altogether, "worked" for 10 hours... 

Then a couple days later fiancés boss calls me asking where fiancé is. I was told he was at work... Turns out he wasn't. Neither was this other guy. But the other guy happened to have rented a motel the day before and stayed that day and the two following. 

There is so much more, so much worse. I just can't trudge it so back up at once and remain sane. 

But I'm not crazy right? This is inappropriate behavior for a supposed to be soon married man? 

I've taken my ring off... it's humiliating to wear it right now. 

Crazy? No crazy?

[Gaeta]

Why you don't break up? Seems you have all the evidence that your bf is a cheating lier, no? 

[dontcallmeshirley]

Maybe I am totally kidding myself or putting on giant blinders but he denies any wrong-doing and SWEARS I am totally wrong, tells me he's still very much in love with me, wants to marry me, etc. I am MADLY in love with him. And I tried to leave him because of this. I didn't make it two weeks before I answered his calls, a month before I came home. 

I'd be open to anything he wanted in that way, I am open minded and accommodating but I just don't want to be played the fool. I don't know how to get him to admit to me what's going on and to stop making someone else's feelings more important than mine. 

[elaine567]

You are I guess "the beard".

A beard is defined as a woman who dates, or marries, a gay man to provide cover for the man's homosexuality.

[FMW]

Of course you're not crazy and no, that is not acceptable behavior for a soon to be married man.

He's probably telling the truth that he loves you and wants to marry you, but sounds like yes, he's lying about the nature of his relationship with his co-worker.  Even if you you could deal with him having a side relationship with this guy, it's definitely not acceptable for him to lie about it.  And if he lies about this, he'll lie about other things.

Certainly don't marry him unless/until he's honest and open with you.  As an outsider I think you would be better off to end your relationship with him.  But you have to come to that conclusion yourself and then commit to it (not having any further contact).      

[smackie9]

Lies, denial and theft. Stay and those are the things you have to live with. Have some self worth. You know you are being used right? That will never change. There is no love for you there so cut the crap and leave before you find yourself dumped, broke and homeless.

Edited December 26, 2020 by smackie9

[BaileyB]

As is often the case, you are in love with the man you want him to be, the man you thought he was... You now have evidence to the contrary, evidence of who this man really is... ignore that information at your own peril. 

[MJJean]

1 hour ago, dontcallmeshirley said:

Crazy? No crazy?

Yes, yes you are crazy. Absolutely insane for staying with a man who isn't working, leeching your hard earned money, lying to you like it's his new job, and having an affair with another man.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, dontcallmeshirley said:

Maybe I am totally kidding myself or putting on giant blinders but he denies any wrong-doing and SWEARS I am totally wrong, tells me he's still very much in love with me, wants to marry me, etc. I am MADLY in love with him.

They all say that same crap. My ex-bf of 5 years told me those same things when I suspected him of cheating then when I found the truth, found the phone numbers, the pictures, when I spoke to these women and they confirmed he was sleeping left and right THEN he gave me the *but I love you*. I think he did love me in his way BUT it's not the way I wanted to be loved. 

[FMW]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I think he did love me in his way BUT it's not the way I wanted to be loved. 

That's the key.  Loving someone doesn't mean the same thing for everyone.  Many of us have learned that the hard way.

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I think he did love me in his way BUT it's not the way I wanted to be loved. 

That’s the thing - you still need to figure out how you want to be loved. You say that you are fine with him having relationships on the side, as long as he’s honest. But if you are really being honest with yourself, is this really how you want to be loved?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, dontcallmeshirley said:

Coworker openly identifies as bi

Is your BF bi? Have you seen this behavior before in your relationship? 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, dontcallmeshirley said:

I'd be open to anything he wanted in that way, I am open minded and accommodating but I just don't want to be played the fool. I don't know how to get him to admit to me what's going on and to stop making someone else's feelings more important than mine. 

That's already happening. 

This man is not being honest with you and you both know that. Two guys don't hang out in a motel just to play Fortnite or have belching contests. They are not just "friends" and it's best you start to admit that to yourself, even if he won't. 

 

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, dontcallmeshirley said:

I don't know how to get him to admit to me what's going on and to stop making someone else's feelings more important than mine. 

Cheaters will rarely admit what is going on and some will even keep lying in the face of indisputable evidence.
It is in their best interests to keep lying and convince you it is all innocent...
As for stopping him prioritising this other guy..
You have no control of what he chooses to do.
He is choosing this guy over you.
You cannot stop him doing what he wants to do. Even if you can get him to swear on his mother's life he will be true to you, you cannot trust a word he says. 
Your job is to realise he is rejecting you big time and your best defence is to walk away and leave them to it.
You will never have a happy life with this guy.

You are only 32, the world is your oyster.
Extricate yourself from this messy guy asap.
 

[trident_2020]

I'm confused. If you're a guy and you've got a male fiancee who is the 32F mentioned in the first post?

 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

I'm confused. If you're a guy and you've got a male fiancee who is the 32F mentioned in the first post?

 

The OP is a woman with a fiancé.
A fiancé who is messing around with a bisexual male co-worker.
She is the 32F.

[Pumaza]

Your post wasnt clear who is posting.So you are the girlfreind.Your man is messing with a bisexual coworker guy?😳

So what is your question?

Mine is why are you still with him,like you are collection his disrespect just.

If this is true confront him and break up.Dont waste no time.

Be glad its not during marriage.Be glad you know now before getting married.So you can stepout on time.

There is nothing more left to fight for.Let him go. 

[JRabbit]

All signs point to affair. Only one way to be certain, and that is to catch him in the act or find details on a computer or phone.  Honestly, aside from the cheating, not working while lying about being at work is enough to end a relationship in my eyes.

 

[Art.at.Heart]

In my opinion, even if he isn't cheating, the way he's treating you is flat out terrible. That seems like a big enough issue on its own.

[d0nnivain]

You are only crazy if you marry this guy.  Be done

[kendahke]

On 12/26/2020 at 10:37 AM, dontcallmeshirley said:

My fiancé now lies to me

Why isn't he your ex fiance? You can't possibly be that desperate for marriage?

[stillafool]

On 12/26/2020 at 11:15 AM, dontcallmeshirley said:

Maybe I am totally kidding myself or putting on giant blinders but he denies any wrong-doing and SWEARS I am totally wrong, tells me he's still very much in love with me, wants to marry me, etc. I am MADLY in love with him. And I tried to leave him because of this. I didn't make it two weeks before I answered his calls, a month before I came home. 

I'd be open to anything he wanted in that way, I am open minded and accommodating but I just don't want to be played the fool. I don't know how to get him to admit to me what's going on and to stop making someone else's feelings more important than mine. 

Of course he isn't going to admit to you that he is actually gay.  He is using you as a beard.  What do you mean you are open to anything?  Is it also okay if he's seeing other women, having threesomes with you and other men?  Men who like to have sex with other men never stop doing it.  I've heard bi men say sex with a woman cannot compare to the sex 2 men have together.  Is this the life you want with a husband?  No woman should be this desperate to get a husband.

[ctdans]

Go to your primary care physician or a clinic and tested for STD's or worse.  Who knows if he is using protection and it sounds like the partner may have plenty of others on the side.

[Caauug]

On 12/26/2020 at 11:37 PM, dontcallmeshirley said:

fiancé (45M)

Has he been married before??? 

Shirley, you do not want him as your partner in marriage. You are 32, time is ticking but you don't have to settle for someone that will not be exclusive with you. You need someone to work with you, not against you. You work construction? Time to troll the union hall...