I don't know how or if I should break up with my boyfriend

[Wilsonskye14]

I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now. We've been engaged a year, we have lived together practically since we started dating, we are on a lease at our apartment, and own 2 dogs together.

I've had doubts about my boyfriend for over a year now on and off. There's moments for a few months where i feel like everything is okay, but then I have months where I'm just miserable and don't want to be with him anymore.

it's not that I don't love him, because I obviously do. I just can't see myself being happy with him like I should long term. He's very hard to talk to about feelings or anything. I'll vent to him about all that I'm going through and it's dead silent. His response is always "I don't know what to say." There's no communication. Or if I talk to him about my day or something that I'm into, he cuts me off to talk about something else.

I don't even like having sex with him anymore or kissing him. He's not an affectionate person, something I want so bad from someone. His version of "affectionate" is trying to have sex. But the problem with that, is having sex with him is basically doing it on his terms and how he wants it. He tries to get me off but I know he's in a hurry to do it. It's obvious and always ruins the mood. He told me he just doesn't like getting me off? He still tries to but it's not the way it should be. When I want to have sex (it was like this for over a year), he would just push me away and say not tonight so I just gave up trying. He says he just doesn't like sex that much, but I don't know if I believe him.

The other issue is he REFUSES to let me speak to my best friend, who is a guy, who I dated when I was 15 for 1 month (I'm 25 now mind you). His excuse is he doesn't trust my friend, he knows his intentions. I said who cares about his intentions? Trust that I won't do anything and let me have my friend back, but he won't because he's not comfortable with it. This happened toward the start of our friendship. Now, it's more complicated because my friend messaged me not too long ago and I've been secretly talking with him. It's nothing romantic at all, just friends catching up on everything, but I've kept it hidden from my boyfriend. I know it's not good to do that at all, but I know he won't let me talk to my friend, my best friend in the world, anymore if I told him so it's been so difficult.

im not going to lie though, there were always feelings on and off between my ex and me from before. I'm not saying I want to break up with my boyfriend to get with this person, but I'm also having dreams about this person too, sexual and romantic dreams. I think about him all the time and miss him all the time. To me, if I'm thinking about someone else, I'm sure not thinking about my current boyfriend.

I know I seem dirty, I feel dirty even saying all this out loud. But my problem now is, I'm terrified to break up with my boyfriend. I tried to on several occasions and it never worked out. The last time I did was the worst. He cried and begged me to stay with him the entire day, he wouldn't let me go. It was so uncomfortable.

I still tried to leave, and I did and I was going to pack up my stuff throughout the week. But when I did leave that night, he went for a walk. He didn't respond to me the ENTIRE night just to let me know he made it home okay. I even told him I just wanted to make sure our dogs were okay. Finally, early in the morning, I was so scared I drove almost an hour to get to the apartment, banged on the door, and he was sleeping. I said why didn't you text me back, he said he didn't want to because he was too upset. I said you could've at least let me know you or the dogs were okay. He didn't seem so bothered by it.

i don't know if it was the guilt, him not responding and scaring me , or what. But I told him, I'm giving him the choice of being with me if I tell him the secret about my ex/friend. He said he still wanted to be with me after all that, he was hurt, but accepted me back anyway. Later that day, he said he still doesn't want me talking to my friend and he's not gonna trust me for a while. I got mad because this is why I gave him the choice. I told him if he was upset and couldn't accept it I'd leave and let him figure it out, but he didn't. So I'm stuck again.

im terrified to leave him because of how he acted before. I'm terrified he won't take it well. I don't want him to hurt himself or put himself in bad situations because I still care about him. I hate keeping secrets from him, but I'm miserable. I have no friends. My family isn't much of a support system. I don't know what else to do.

im so confused about everything. We also have this apartment together where I know he wouldn't make it on his own without me, plus we have dogs and I feel wrong leaving them (I would never want to take them from him).

I'm sorry if this is all over the place, I just don't know what to do, please help. 

[DKT3]

Throughout the course of any relationship people find themselves attracted to others, that is not necessarily a sign that there are "real" issues in a relationship. 

To be honest,  I think he should fear the relationship with you more then you fear it with him. From reading what you've wrote you don't really seem ready for that relationship you claim to want.

How can you break up? By being honest,  tell him he was actually correct to be worried about this other guy for the fact that you are interested in a relationship with him.

Breaking up isn't really your problem,  your problem is finding a way to make the breakup be about him and not about you wanting to have a relationship with another man...the same man you you've decieved him about what sounds like your entire relationship. 

 

[Happy Lemming]

When is the lease up??  Do you have to give 30 days notice of your intent to move out (to the landlord)??  If so, plan that out accordingly.

You are not responsible for what he does to himself.  Lots of people face break ups, its all part of dating.  He'll have to learn this just part of life and pick himself up in the aftermath.

Don't give him the chance to cry and beg you to stay or corner you so you can't leave, plan your move out while he is at work or someplace else.

[DKT3]

4 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

When is the lease up??  Do you have to give 30 days notice of your intent to move out (to the landlord)??  If so, plan that out accordingly.

You are not responsible for what he does to himself.  Lots of people face break ups, its all part of dating.  He'll have to learn this just part of life and pick himself up in the aftermath.

Don't give him the chance to cry and beg you to stay or corner you so you can't leave, plan your move out while he is at work or someplace else.

I dont think her worries about him are whats preventing the breakup,  I think its because she doesn't really want to breakup,  more of her wanting him out of the way so she can test drive the ex, with an option to return.  The last go around scared her because he didn't respond in a way she liked. 

[Happy Lemming]

29 minutes ago, Wilsonskye14 said:

I don't want him to hurt himself or put himself in bad situations...

 

3 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

I dont think her worries about him are whats preventing the breakup...

No matter the reason, she needs to get out of this mess. 

Definitely, don't renew the lease!!

[Wilsonskye14]

5 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

I dont think her worries about him are whats preventing the breakup,  I think its because she doesn't really want to breakup,  more of her wanting him out of the way so she can test drive the ex, with an option to return.  The last go around scared her because he didn't respond in a way she liked. 

No that’s not it at all. I don’t want to “test drive” anything. I have broken up with my current boyfriend 2 other times before this last time without my ex/friend involved and I still took him back out of fear of making the wrong choice and him going back to using drugs or hurting himself. I obviously didn’t put my or his life story out there, but there’s much more to it. I’m honestly not happy. I’ve put all his needs above my own and get nothing in return. I feel like I have a friend with benefits, not a relationship. I’ve tried working things out multiple times and nothing sticks.

[DKT3]

4 minutes ago, Wilsonskye14 said:

No that’s not it at all. I don’t want to “test drive” anything. I have broken up with my current boyfriend 2 other times before this last time without my ex/friend involved and I still took him back out of fear of making the wrong choice and him going back to using drugs or hurting himself. I obviously didn’t put my or his life story out there, but there’s much more to it. I’m honestly not happy. I’ve put all his needs above my own and get nothing in return. I feel like I have a friend with benefits, not a relationship. I’ve tried working things out multiple times and nothing sticks.

I dont doubt you are unhappy.  However denial won't help you. Your original post was mostly about your ex. Now you claim that you've broken up twice when the ex wasn't in the picture,  my question is when was he not? You yourself stated you've had romantic feelings for him throughout this current relationship. 

Secondly,  you were out twice and chose to come back. So it seems your unhappiness is fluid.  

There is always more to a story...on both sides. Whenever dealing with people who are involved with more then one romantically there is always a great deal of minimizing and blameshifting. Its common also that when called on about how they themselves are negatively impacting the situation they simply up the ante on blaming the other person,  which you have done.

Listen, you are young, very young, and may not entirely understand what you are doing and how you feel.  There is nothing wrong with that, its a natural course.  However,  you need to own the decisions you make, and understand that people who gain nothing from a situation don't continue to put themselves back in that situation.  I think a part of you knows its a mistake to end your current relationship,  yet (ever as you won't directly admit it) you want to see if you can be happy with your ex. That is your dilemma,  breakup yet leave the backdoor open. You've all be said it in your posting here.

You have to understand life is a series of opportunities costing decisions.  You can't go both direction at once. Chose one and live with the fact that you've lost the opportunity with the other. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Wilsonskye14 said:

. I have broken up with my current boyfriend 2 other times before 

I still took him back out of fear of making the wrong choice and him going back to using drugs or hurting himself. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you seem to be with him for all the wrong reasons 

Why did you move in together so quickly?

Fear seems to be why you stay, no?

What do you mean by "using drugs or hurting himself"?

Do you both work? Where did you stay the other times you left?

Your goal right now should be enlisting the help of trusted friends and family to extricate yourself from this toxic situation.

Begin now to sever financial and other ties. Look for places to move to either on your own or with roommates.

You're very unhappy and there's no reason to live that way. You're not stuck in this, you just need a cohesive plan to permanently depart from this.

[d0nnivain]

No you should not marry your BF. 

You need a plan.  Where will you go if you move out?  What will happen to the dogs?  Figure that out & then go.

[ShyViolet]

Oh my god.  You are TOO YOUNG to be in such a dysfunctional, unhappy, miserable relationship.  Get out now!!  Stop worrying about how HE will take it.  However he takes the breakup, it is NOT your responsibility.  You are not his therapist.  You need to look out for yourself and STOP letting him control and manipulate you!  Please be strong and do what you need to do, end this bad relationship.  Take the dogs if he can't be trusted to take care of them.  The fact that you felt the need to keep calling him that time to make sure the dogs were ok, suggests that he's not stable enough to be trusted with them.  

Stop worrying about how he will react.  It is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.  You know that you need to get out of this bad situation.

Edited December 27, 2020 by ShyViolet

[Miss Spider]

Pull off the Band-Aid. You aren’t that into him. It’s not that he is bad or that the relationship is necessarily that horrible(in your opinion). You just aren’t feeling it. That’s no one’s fault. However, make no mistake, this will not be easy. This will be difficult as h*ll and he will probably make it as uncomfortable as possible for you. Understandable. It will make him sad. You will feel guilt. You will feel loss. You may feel regret. Especially since you do care about him and considering you aren’t coming out of a bad relationship(in your opinion), just not a fulfilling one. Arguably one of the toughest reasons to break up. I feel for you. He will be OK. You will be OK. It will get better with time. 
 

to get new living arrangements ASAP

Edited December 27, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes