LondonMiss Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 Been with my partner for around 7-8 months now, this was our first Christmas although we have known each other for around 5 years. He not a fan of Christmas due to family rows in the past, however money is no object earns a 6+ figure sum and has huge amounts of savings in the bank. I have said id be happy with a nice card for xmas, we had said no big gifts, I got him a couple of small personal things around £50 he got me nothing, apparently he did order a card, but the post was delayed. If I’m upset about it he gets quite angry saying he cant control the post, but he could have just got an other card he knew when he left work on Christmas Eve it wasn’t going to show up he goes into the huge shopping center by his work constantly. I’m trying to get past it but I’m really upset, I have done so much for him lately just feel like he’s thrown it all in my face.. I honestly don't even want to see him right now.. Is a card and a tiny cheap bunch of flowers too much to ask on our first Christmas together. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 23 minutes ago, LondonMiss said: we have known each other for around 5 years. Has he ever sent/given you a card or given you a present previously? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 (edited) 38 minutes ago, LondonMiss said: , I have done so much for him lately just feel like he’s thrown it all in my face.. Sorry this happened. Seems like a lot more red flags 🚩 than a Christmas card. Doesn't it seem strange he is greedy on top of blaming everyone and everything else? Step way back from this and stop doing so much for him and overinvesting in someone like this. Perhaps the card thing is a good sign that you should end it with this curmudgeon. Edited December 27, 2020 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 The important words here are *he's not a fan of Xmas*. Understand those words and what they mean. My ex-bf was not a fan of holidays, none of the holidays xmas, b'days, easters, name them. It came from deep wounds inflicted on him as a child. There was nothing I could do but to accept who he was. It was an easy adaptation for me as he did give me gifts through the year, just not on Xmas. My love language is 'act of service' and he was very big on showing his love with 'act of service' again, it helped with him not being big on Xmas. So, back to you. This is who your boyfriend is, are you ready to accept that? Is your relationship rich enough through the year that you can live with his dislike of Xmas? Remember, we cannot change people. You make peace with that side of him and enjoy your relationship or don't accept it and let it become a subject of discord year after year. If you absolutely need a man to offer you gifts on Xmas then he's not your man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 (edited) It’s a lack of thoughtfulness. He did not even put the thought into planning a little bit ahead of time to make sure you got the bare minimum that would make you happy for Xmas. So what if he is not into Christmas. Life isn’t all about him. When you have a partner you put some consideration and thought into their needs too. I’m not into holidays either but I still get people I care about gifts. Don’t become ok about stuff like this. I really doubt this will be the only area that he shows his lack of consideration for you. Edited December 27, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 He's a dud. You're better off single. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 Look beyond the card here, OP. As shortskirts pointed out, it’s a lack of thoughtfulness. He could have easily bought the card in a retail store the day before Christmas Eve to give to you. You’ve known each other for 5 years and have been in a r/s for nearly a year now. The lack of Christmas card is his lack of consideration for your feelings. He doens’t respect you. Or even like you. I’m sure you two have sex, a few laughs, and do fun activities. But at the core of this relationship, there is a serious lack of consideration and respect for you from him. He is not compatible with you as a romantic partner. I think you should transition back to just being friends. I think you need to be with a man who isn’t going to gaslight you with lame lies like “oh the post is late, stop being a drama queen!” His response (my interpretation) is that he couldn’t be bothered to put in any effort and is blaming you for your natural response of feeling hurt, since you bought him gifts and he got you nothing. He doesn’t want to feel guilty about not doing anything, so he deflects it and blames you instead. Does that make sense? He sounds very self-centered. I wouldn’t waste anymore time with him in a relationship. I”d dump him. He doesn’t value you. This isn’t about his disinterest in Christmas. This is about his disinterest in you. Link to post Share on other sites
Millennial Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 (edited) Well guys don't generally care about cards. I get my dad one sometimes for etiquette's sake and he laughs at me about it. Earning a six figure sum and not doing anything for his girlfriend really is lame though. He has to know there will be blowback on it. Just basic common sense. Edited December 27, 2020 by Millennial 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 Just now, Millennial said: Well guys don't generally care about cards. I get my dad one sometimes for etiquette's sake and he laughs at me about it. Earning a six figure sum and not doing anything for his girlfriend is amazingly lame though. He has to know there will be blowback on that. I broke up with a former boyfriend b/c I went through the trouble of wrapping Xmas presents for him, and all he did was walk across the street to buy a lame book that HE liked, tossed it at me while I sat on the couch at his apartment and said “Here I got you a present.” Talk about a slap in the face. If that doesn’t say “I don’t even like you,” I don’t know what does. So, OP you have to look beyond the card itself and think about why you are putting up with this type of behavior from him. It’s more than lame. It’s a clue in to your boyfriend’s real feelings towards you. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: My ex-bf was not a fan of holidays, none of the holidays xmas, b'days, easters, name them. It came from deep wounds inflicted on him as a child. So did he spend the holidays with you or did he prefer to spend then alone... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: So did he spend the holidays with you or did he prefer to spend then alone... He spent it alone. Sometimes he stayed at my place while I was gone to Xmas dinners, other times he stayed at his apartment. Between Xmas and NYE he would come with me to family dinners. I always called him in the evening and he'd watch movies. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 Just now, Gaeta said: He spent it alone. Sometimes he stayed at my place while I was gone to Xmas dinners, other times he stayed at his apartment. Between Xmas and NYE he would come with me to family dinners. I always called him in the evening and he'd watch movies. Knowing what you now know, having each holiday free would be a bit of a bonus no? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 @elaine567: I don't understand your question Link to post Share on other sites
FudgeSwirl Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 First, you may first want to examine if him not being into Christmas is a deal breaker. If it isn't, the thing that keeps coming to mind is that he was honest about not being big into Christmas. While I completely agree a card is the easiest thing to give and that he could have purchased one easily rather than order one, he doesn't see as your card being delayed in a huge deal because it's not a gift and again, he isn't into Christmas. If he's good to you in other ways (ex: your birthday) and does make an effort to see you for other occasions then I would just chalk this up to his nonchalant attitude about the holidays. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 There are a list of "rules" that the majority of people have when it comes to dating or relationships. I've discovered from reading here on LS that I am NOT in the majority of how I see some of those "rules". I think this is an example of a "rule" that your boyfriend does not see the way the majority of people see it. If you feel the need to trash the guy over something, and if he didn't do something that you feel is an absolute requirement, then stop seeing him. You're not compatible. I understand your feelings being hurt over the inequity of his actions (or more to the point lack thereof) compared to yours in the gift giving and holiday area. But it's not really something you can change about him. Don't spend your time establishing that you are right and he is wrong - just stop seeing him. Find a guy that acts the way you need him to act. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 31 minutes ago, FMW said: I understand your feelings being hurt over the inequity of his actions (or more to the point lack thereof) compared to yours in the gift giving and holiday area. But it's not really something you can change about him. Don't spend your time establishing that you are right and he is wrong - just stop seeing him. Find a guy that acts the way you need him to act. I agree with this advice. There’s no point having a tug of war over whose right or wrong. He’s incompatible with you because Christmas means something to you, but it means nothing to him. This will always be a point of contention between you and him if you stay in a relationship with him. He will never change. Nor will you. Might as well be with a boyfriend who you are 100% compatible with. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 Whether or not he was into holidays, you are into holidays and he knows it so should have given you a gift (not just a card) for Christmas. Especially since you didn't insist he attend the holiday parties with you. You don't do for your partner based on what you like. You do for them based on what they like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 16 hours ago, LondonMiss said: He not a fan of Christmas due to family rows in the past, At 30 weeks dating, it's a good time to observe character and compatibility. In this case he's got too much baggage and a chip on his shoulder. It's not about cards or salaries, it's about a Scrooge-like personality . Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 (edited) I said this is another almost identical thread, but even when we dislike holiday celebrations ourselves, or they cause discomfort, when we care about our partners and we know they're important to them, we make an effort. Holidays aren't about giving tangible gifts; to most people, they mean something beyond that. They represent our commitment to our partners, and our willingness to give from our hearts even if/when it causes some discomfort. I don't buy for one second such excuses as they dislike or their family never celebrated or they're too commercialized, when we care we make the effort when the holiday is meaningful to our partner. By avoiding no matter what the excuse, they're making a conscious choice to create emotional distance and I think it's a massive mistake for a woman, or man, to ignore that. Edited December 28, 2020 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 Agree. He simply has bad form, like a rebel without a cause. In life, you adapt to situations. For example if you have friends or business associates from other cultures/backgrounds you go with the flow. Even if people's beliefs and customs are not your own, it's rude to snub them. He seems to need some maturing and sophistication . Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 (edited) I agree that if you know something is important to someone you care about you make an effort. So his lack of attention in that area might not be a good sign. At the same time, if someone's bad feelings are really strong about the holiday, maybe their partner needs to make an effort to understand that. I'm not saying that's the case here, but I don't necessarily think it's all on him to accommodate her wishes and desires for this one thing. If there is a broader pattern of not showing care and concern then this would just strengthen that pattern. But if this is the only thing that's really been an issue, is this really something to draw a line in the sand over? Basically saying you have to give me gifts, when I expect them, to show you care? It doesn't matter how much money he has, he's not obligated to spend it on demand. He had expressed his feelings about the holiday, it's not like he just out of the blue didn't do anything about it. Gifts, cards, and celebrations of personal events like birthdays, anniversaries or "just because" mean a whole lot more to me than holidays like Christmas and Valentine's Day that are such blatant commercial retail events. But again - if it is a deal breaker, and you think his reasons are bull, stop seeing him. Edited December 28, 2020 by FMW 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, poppyfields said: when we care about our partners and we know they're important to them, we make an effort. Nah, that type of thinking is flawed. It's like telling someone that hates anal sex to still give it to her bf cause he likes it. When you don't like something YOU DON'T. Forcing someone or guilting them into doing something they don't like is NOT love. It's selfish. If you cannot accept your partner doesn't like something and you can't respect it, then you move on. Edited December 28, 2020 by Gaeta 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 You either accept someone or you don’t. If this is a dealbreaker, break the deal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: Nah, that type of thinking is flawed. It's like telling someone that hates anal sex to still give it to her bf cause he likes it. I realized you used as an example but comparing celebrating Christmas or any big holiday to giving your boyfriend anal sex is flawed. Seriously flawed, almost insulting to the spirit of the holiday. How does one equate the Christmas holiday which represents family, commitment and togetherness (to a great majority of people) to a sexual activity? Really? SMH at that one. Maybe it doesn't represent those things to one's partner, that is precisely my point. I realize one's experience surrounding a big holiday may have been filled with sadness or even pain, my late dad's was and also my fiance's, but when you become part of a couple, and you know it's important to your partner, you make an effort to overcome, or at least try to, due to the very nature of what the holiday itself represents. Giving throughout the year is awesome, but again holidays for most represent togetherness and family, it has deeper meaning than other days of the year. Anyway, just my opinion about that, and I'm speaking in general terms. As for the OP, I think it was lame your boyfriend didn't at least acknowledge Christmas with a card, but the fact he became angry when you expressed disappointment would be a dealbreaker for me after only 7-8 months dating. Edited December 28, 2020 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 Just wanted to add I said nothing about "guilt tripping" your partner, I don't believe in guilt tripping, the mere suggestion of it makes me cringe. It's about their mindset surrounding togetherness, family and commitment which big holidays represent for most people. If my partner did not share those values, dealbreaker. I did not always feel that way, I had commitment issues myself for many years and ran from major holidays, avoided. But I've overcome those issues for the most part and understand the significance of holidays now. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts