Gaeta Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 @poppyfields You or outsiders do not get to decide what pain deserves respect or not. If OP's boyfriend says it brings on painful memories then it is what it is. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: How does one equate the Christmas holiday which represents family, commitment and togetherness This is YOU. For a lot of people it does not equates to family, commitment and togetherness but to abandonnement, cruelty and abuse. Pain is pain, no matter where it's from. What makes me cringe is people thinking because they feel a certain way then the rest of the world has to feel the same. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 10 minutes ago, Gaeta said: @poppyfields You or outsiders do not get to decide what pain deserves respect or not. If OP's boyfriend says it brings on painful memories then it is what it is. Not sure why you continue to mis-read my posts, I did not say I don't "respect" their pain or understand their pain. I am voicing my opinion re what holidays represent for most people, and when your partner cares, they make an effort. Am I not allowed that opinion lest I be accused of not respecting their pain or guilt-tripping or whatever? What about the woman's pain or disappointment knowing her parther does not share her values and would rather watch a movie or do whatever? Anyway, nuff said from me. Happy Holidays, ciao. Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 On 12/27/2020 at 1:23 PM, LondonMiss said: Been with my partner for around 7-8 months now, this was our first Christmas although we have known each other for around 5 years. He not a fan of Christmas due to family rows in the past, however money is no object earns a 6+ figure sum and has huge amounts of savings in the bank. I have said id be happy with a nice card for xmas, we had said no big gifts, I got him a couple of small personal things around £50 he got me nothing, apparently he did order a card, but the post was delayed. If I’m upset about it he gets quite angry saying he cant control the post, but he could have just got an other card he knew when he left work on Christmas Eve it wasn’t going to show up he goes into the huge shopping center by his work constantly. I’m trying to get past it but I’m really upset, I have done so much for him lately just feel like he’s thrown it all in my face.. I honestly don't even want to see him right now.. Is a card and a tiny cheap bunch of flowers too much to ask on our first Christmas together. I don't think it is no...but I also think that if you're feeling happy and secure in a relationship it tends to be a lot easier to shrug off stuff like a partner forgetting to get a card. So is the issue really that he didn't buy you a card, or is this just an example of thoughtlessness that has tapped into deeper hurts or concerns that you have about the relationship? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 5 hours ago, poppyfields said: I am voicing my opinion re what holidays represent for most people, and when your partner cares, they make an effort. But shouldn’t both partners make the effort? If one doesn’t like holidays and the other does? It can be a dealbreaker of course, but there’s this magic thing called compromise that works for a lot of couples. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 8 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: But shouldn’t both partners make the effort? If one doesn’t like holidays and the other does? It can be a dealbreaker of course, but there’s this magic thing called compromise that works for a lot of couples. Yes I agree with you that both partners need to make the effort equally. As per my example, my dealbreaker was the way my ex-boyfriend made me by his actions. Why would I concede and comprise thinking, “oh, he threw that unwrapped book at me because he’s in a bad mood, I should not break up with him.” When i tried to tell him how his behavior made me feel, he didn’t even listen. When I told him that his behavior hurt my feelings, he gaslighted me, when he called me “dramatic.” So, in my situation, had I compromised, I would have taught my ex-boyfriend that he could disrespect me and I wouldn’t react. I’m glad that I didn’t compromise in that case. I’m glad I broke up with him. I think in the OP’s case, she already knows he doesn’t respect him. But she continues to allow him to disrespect her because she doesn’t want to be single, maybe. Otherwise, why is she putting up with his overt disrespect all the time? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 (edited) Yeah, compromise and effort. If your partner likes Christmas a but is willing to settle for a simple card, you just buy the freaking card if you give and f’s at all... Oh my gosh, so he had some “rows” with his family. My heart bleeds for him, but it’s not like when he was a kid his dad dressed as Santa Claus and got stuck in the chimney and he found him a several days later and that is how he found out that Santa wasn’t real or something. (Yeah I that from Gremlins) Buy the card and get it to her on Xmas. Jfc Edited December 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted December 29, 2020 Share Posted December 29, 2020 1 hour ago, Watercolors said: So, in my situation, had I compromised, I would have taught my ex-boyfriend that he could disrespect me and I wouldn’t react. I’m glad that I didn’t compromise in that case. I’m glad I broke up with him. Exactly. Anything can be a dealbreaker. But if it’s not worth breaking up, then compromise is key. What’s always wrong is expecting your partner to do things the way you want them to rather than the way they want to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted December 29, 2020 Share Posted December 29, 2020 1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said: Exactly. Anything can be a dealbreaker. But if it’s not worth breaking up, then compromise is key. What’s always wrong is expecting your partner to do things the way you want them to rather than the way they want to. Well that’s correct. It’s about learning to manage your own expectations for your partner. You can’t control your partner’s actions. All you can do is manage your expectations for what you’d like your partner to do, and hope that they actually do it. And when they disappoint you and invalidate your expectations, you have to measure their actions against your own internal value system. In my case, my ex-boyfriend wasn’t just being a jerk. He was blatantly demonstrating immense disrespect against me by just casually tossing an unwrapped book Christmas present at me. There’s no way in hell I would have put up with that kind of disrespect for days, weeks, months or years. Nobody gets to treat me like that, and think it’s ok. So, the OP has to either woman up and tell the OP that his behavior is a deal breaker for her, or, hold him accountable for his behavior and deliver consequences (whatever that looks like for her). The third option is what she’s doing now, nothing. That is probably the least effective option because it won’t change the way he is dismissive of her feelings. It will also just reinforce his belief that he can do whatever he wants because the OP won’t stand up for herself or hold him accountable. Link to post Share on other sites
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