I was stunned girlfriend called it off right now, 6 days NC, I'm in misery like never before, will she reach out to me?

[introverted1]

6 hours ago, JayWay said:

Keep in mind - she told me day before all this and practically everyday - “you are majority reason I snapped out of this funk I’ve been in, you pushed me back to kids, made me reconcile with my mom, support me emotionally, I love you over communication, I love how you always put yourself in my shoes and can always take blame and fix things, trust me I don’t want to go anywhere and never felt this way before about person, trusting me is something need to do and I know I’ve given reasons not too, we agreed to stay together since you forgave me for lying to you, because we both know how much we want us to work out even if we don’t move as fast as we did at first which we both agreed doing, we know how we feel about each other and that’s what is important and as long we always are open with each other like we are it will better us for long haul”. 

Seems there were already premonitions that this break-up was in the works, OP.  What did she lie about?  What were the reasons she provided for not being trustworthy?

[JayWay]

That does seem very similar.  Just a day before this all happened she adamantly told me to trust her with my heart, and she’s not going anywhere. She also told me it’s not another guy. Seemed honest when she told me. I see what mean about reaching out. I think that’s me confused still how she changed so abruptly. It’s very hard considering her and I shared very deep emotional dark things about each other. She told me few things and then said “you think I’m crazy now and want to leave me”. I told her “hell no, people go through stuff, I wouldn’t leave for that”.  She kissed me and we were doing great. Then few weeks later this. I know saying take with grain of salt but these are such deep things she’s told me this entire time. Nobody can shut that off. I really miss hearing her voice.  She also knew all the hurt her and I went through with our kids and divorces. Seems insane she does this knowing everything.  I would even tell her at times when we would be laying in bed “I know things happen, but I really don’t want to get hurt or you get hurt”.  She’d give me such powerful assurance by her words and actions. Then, this. I’m sorry going through that also. Sucks. Has yours reached out to you?  Do you think she will?  I ask because I feel stunned she wouldn’t reach out to me. Couple people have said it seems she does this. Breaks up then goes back to other guy. She did with couple her others exes. She also told me day of “to be brutally honest, I want to wake up and realize we should be together”.  If that’s just garbage talk then that’s actually insulting to say. When a person is crying, confused and heartbroken.  She made a point to tell me few times “don’t disappear”.  Now I’m feeling she said it as me being backup.  Even a night like tonight she’s always be at my house cooking and such.  If it’s another guy then usually karma has its way and it won’t end well. Then I suppose she’ll crawl back when I’m already gone?  Sorry again. What is opinion her telling me “brutal honesty, I want wake up and know we be together”.  And why ask me few times “don’t disappear, are you going to disappear”?  I did a ton for her too. She went through stuff when met. She basically lived with me right away almost. Since she was there so much.  Got oil change for her, we went to gym together, dinner etc.  Did Halloween together with kids.  And she was very cold when first came over to call it off. Then she held my hand after 15 minutes. She doesn’t like confrontations though.  It really sucks. What do you think about disappear and the brutal honesty comment?  That she said when leaving. Makes no sense saying it when already knew damage was done.  

[JayWay]

25 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Seems there were already premonitions that this break-up was in the works, OP.  What did she lie about?  What were the reasons she provided for not being trustworthy?

What premonitions?  She was dishonest how long her divorce was, and wasn’t forthright about her living with her parents.  She felt embarrassed and scared she said.  We talked it through.  She gave no indication or premonitions about this. Complete opposite actually how she acted and said things. What were premonitions you mentioned?  She maybe feels guilty for her lies?  

[maggiemtn]

2 hours ago, JayWay said:

I was being little more needy recently,

Why is it bad not to at least text her with “I’m always here for you”?  So she knows for sure I’m always there if she needs something.
 

 I really feel and think she is type that would say “he’s not reaching out then forget him”?  Isn’t that true that many women would think that?
 

She broke it off, but still.  
 

 I guess why soften the blow of break up when she already knew I was crushed by crying and telling her not too?  
 

I really feel this isn’t what should be and she’s forcing herself to do this?  
 

She’s gone back to her ex few different times and think she’s done that before with another ex. 

Why is it bad to text her that? Because it sounds needy, exactly what you’re trying to avoid. SHE broke it off. It’s on her to reach out to you, anything else is just desperation. I know how it feels, I’ve been on both sides of that equation. Acting desperate and being put off that someone else wasn’t respecting my wishes when I said it was over. It’s just a natural response to want to reach out to the person who hurt you to get comfort, to see if you can change their mind, any little crumb. It doesn’t work that way. If someone who broke up with you wants you, THEY will seek you out. 
 

Just because someone decides a relationship isn’t working, it doesn’t mean they don’t care (in most cases). It’s hard for them too. If someone you love is crying and hurting, your instinct is to try to get them to stop crying, allay fears, and leave the situation calm. Or, she is most likely wanting to make sure you’re still going to be around because it’s hard to watch an ex move on even if they’re the ones that left us. But a lot of people are less selfish and say goodbye rather than “hold on while I go do my own thing.” If you love something, let it go. That’s what she should’ve done. To do anything else is very unfair to you. 
 

She’s gone back several times to two different exes? Is that what you want for you life, someone who bails and then comes back but will most likely bail again? The way I look at it is the day my ex said the words he said to me, “I don’t think you’re the one for me,” how could I ever sit beside him again and not be constantly wondering “Does he still think that? Will he change his mind again?” If you were needy before, imagine how (rightly-so) your anxiety would be absolutely through the roof all the time. 
 

There is a reason NC is advised for almost everyone going through a breakup. It’s not for the other person, it’s for YOU. I no longer hear my phone beep or ring and think “Is it him?” There are some lines that you cross in relationships that just can’t be uncrossed. Usually, a breakup is one of them. If not, then it’s just a bunch of drama and that’s unhealthy for everyone involved.  

[maggiemtn]

Also, I’m sorry but when you say “no one can shut that off,” they can. It happens all the time and it happened to me several weeks ago. My ex told me he was looking at engagement rings and then decided against it and I wasn’t the right person for him. And that’s why I can’t reach out to him again or go back to him. Ever. I can never un-hear those words. People change their minds constantly. It sucks, I know it. That’s why I’m on this forum because three weeks ago I was happily planning a trip and holidays with my boyfriend, talking about buying a house, getting married, having kids. And now I’m here. It’s absolutely heartbreaking but when you look at the big picture and see this person bailed and left, you’re better off. 

[JayWay]

10 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

Why is it bad to text her that? Because it sounds needy, exactly what you’re trying to avoid. SHE broke it off. It’s on her to reach out to you, anything else is just desperation. I know how it feels, I’ve been on both sides of that equation. Acting desperate and being put off that someone else wasn’t respecting my wishes when I said it was over. It’s just a natural response to want to reach out to the person who hurt you to get comfort, to see if you can change their mind, any little crumb. It doesn’t work that way. If someone who broke up with you wants you, THEY will seek you out. 
 

Just because someone decides a relationship isn’t working, it doesn’t mean they don’t care (in most cases). It’s hard for them too. If someone you love is crying and hurting, your instinct is to try to get them to stop crying, allay fears, and leave the situation calm. Or, she is most likely wanting to make sure you’re still going to be around because it’s hard to watch an ex move on even if they’re the ones that left us. But a lot of people are less selfish and say goodbye rather than “hold on while I go do my own thing.” If you love something, let it go. That’s what she should’ve done. To do anything else is very unfair to you. 
 

She’s gone back several times to two different exes? Is that what you want for you life, someone who bails and then comes back but will most likely bail again? The way I look at it is the day my ex said the words he said to me, “I don’t think you’re the one for me,” how could I ever sit beside him again and not be constantly wondering “Does he still think that? Will he change his mind again?” If you were needy before, imagine how (rightly-so) your anxiety would be absolutely through the roof all the time. 
 

There is a reason NC is advised for almost everyone going through a breakup. It’s not for the other person, it’s for YOU. I no longer hear my phone beep or ring and think “Is it him?” There are some lines that you cross in relationships that just can’t be uncrossed. Usually, a breakup is one of them. If not, then it’s just a bunch of drama and that’s unhealthy for everyone involved.  

Yes she has gone back with couple exes before. I don’t want that per say, but if it allows her to gather her thoughts and feelings, work through things and it helps her and us get together down the line then I’m good with that. None of this makes sense and it’s crazy because I feel so strongly this should not be happening. Not after all was done and said. I agree it’s best to not say to me to wait. I think that’s confusing part too. She had already done the damage. So to keep saying for me not to disappear and her “brutal honesty I want to wake up and know we should make us work” - just doesn’t help anything. That won’t lessen the damage. She also said to me “there’s a guy right here in his home that I care for and her cares for me and it kills me but I need to do this, it’s not going to kill you waiting, if meant to be we will be”. I actually at that point stopped crying, looked at her and said “what the hell does that even mean”.  She just followed up with “it’s not forever, don’t disappear, we’re going to talk”.   Maybe she is legit confused or is legit believing I’ll be waiting?  

[JayWay]

17 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

Also, I’m sorry but when you say “no one can shut that off,” they can. It happens all the time and it happened to me several weeks ago. My ex told me he was looking at engagement rings and then decided against it and I wasn’t the right person for him. And that’s why I can’t reach out to him again or go back to him. Ever. I can never un-hear those words. People change their minds constantly. It sucks, I know it. That’s why I’m on this forum because three weeks ago I was happily planning a trip and holidays with my boyfriend, talking about buying a house, getting married, having kids. And now I’m here. It’s absolutely heartbreaking but when you look at the big picture and see this person bailed and left, you’re better off. 

Are you serious?  So sorry did that. That’s absurd. That is really not cool.  Looking at rings and then saying nevermind?  Sheesh.  Exactly too, she would text me our future kids names.  She kinda would joke but she was serious about it.  Sure, people can change minds. But I’m sorry, there’s something called compassion and empathy and keeping a word.  And your other comment about being needy after getting back together, I agree, but that’s a thing I can work on to help her and get through that.  It does suck. Because I’m lost without her as stupid as it sounds. I’m wanting her to text me like normal. I’ve been through bad breakups, ex wife leaving for another person not caring about our son too, but this is really painful.  It’s a lot because what she told me, did, and what I told her and did for her. Just a day before this.  “Don’t disappear”.........ok.......I won’t..........Remember, I’m the guy that opened his home to you?????  How in the world after all that does a woman not eventually think “s***, what did I just give up, I need to make sure he’s still there”???  

[ExpatInItaly]

She is absurdly selfish to dump you and ask you to wait for her.

You need to raise your standards, man. Decent women don't do crap like this. This chick sounds like a self-serving mess, to be blunt.

It also sounds like she's test-driving another guy and hope you'll play Plan B in case it doesn't work out. 

 

[JayWay]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She is absurdly selfish to dump you and ask you to wait for her.

You need to raise your standards, man. Decent women don't do crap like this. This chick sounds like a self-serving mess, to be blunt.

It also sounds like she's test-driving another guy and hope you'll play Plan B in case it doesn't work out. 

 

It’s really hard to hear I might be plan B. She told me few times there is no other guy in picture and she has zero desire to date as she has a “guy here, right in front of her that she cares about and he cares about her, but needs to do this right now so please just see her perspective”.   I see her perspective then I guess.  She didn’t specifically demand me to wait.  She just said for me not to disappear, and it won’t kill anything to wait and not do this right now and if meant to be we will be.  Plus she said “brutal honesty I want to wake up and know we should work on us”.   Maybe that’s same thing as telling me to wait?  There’s no point saying these things to soften blow when it the knockout punch was already delivered?

[tart6245]

She left you. If she wanted to be with you, she'd have stayed and worked on things together as a team. She would have had a serious conversation with you and let you know the severity of the situation. She didn't do that. 

I keep telling myself this as well. Breakups should never be taken lightly, and if that is the course that person chose to take, they obviously envision a life without you in it. Anything they say to you that seems to leave you hanging on should be ignored. If she wants to talk or be with you, she will seek you out. She presumably still has your contact information and knows where you live. 

My ex left me and also used the same line "there is no one else in the picture and I don't plan on seeing anyone else." But I don't believe that for a second. She will see someone else. Whether it's tomorrow, next month, or 6 months from now, she will go out with another person. If not, she will seek me out. 

I know if I try to contact her, it will likely make the pain worse. She will either ignore me, response to me in a cold manner, get frustrated that I am not leaving her alone, or respond positively. I don't like those odds. You should not like them either. 

[ExpatInItaly]

40 minutes ago, JayWay said:

It’s really hard to hear I might be plan B. She told me few times there is no other guy in picture and she has zero desire to date as she has a “guy here, right in front of her that she cares about and he cares about her, but needs to do this right now so please just see her perspective”.   I see her perspective then I guess.  She didn’t specifically demand me to wait.  She just said for me not to disappear, and it won’t kill anything to wait and not do this right now and if meant to be we will be.  Plus she said “brutal honesty I want to wake up and know we should work on us”.   Maybe that’s same thing as telling me to wait?  There’s no point saying these things to soften blow when it the knockout punch was already delivered?

However she worded it, she is showing you she has very little insight (or care) into how her behaviour affects you. It is still a selfish thing to say to someone you've just broken up with. 

It's all about her and what she wants and needs. What perspective is there to see when you have no idea why she's really doing this? She is just yapping non-sensical platitudes at you so you'll hang around in case she wants to come back. 

And even if she does? The chances of this developing into something happy, healthy and long-lasting are very slim, Jay. She isn't mature enough for it and not committed in the way you want her to be. She wouldn't dream of pressing "pause" on this and risk losing you if she were serious about you. I wouldn't hold you breath for a future with this individual. 

What is the backstory with her kids and their dad, anyway? Does she not have custody, or..? Why isn't she allowed to stay at her parent's house? 

[JayWay]

54 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

However she worded it, she is showing you she has very little insight (or care) into how her behaviour affects you. It is still a selfish thing to say to someone you've just broken up with. 

It's all about her and what she wants and needs. What perspective is there to see when you have no idea why she's really doing this? She is just yapping non-sensical platitudes at you so you'll hang around in case she wants to come back. 

And even if she does? The chances of this developing into something happy, healthy and long-lasting are very slim, Jay. She isn't mature enough for it and not committed in the way you want her to be. She wouldn't dream of pressing "pause" on this and risk losing you if she were serious about you. I wouldn't hold you breath for a future with this individual. 

What is the backstory with her kids and their dad, anyway? Does she not have custody, or..? Why isn't she allowed to stay at her parent's house? 

She had custody for period of time. Then she moved for work with her 2nd husband. She got married to him and she felt pressured into it and regretted it.  When she moved the dad had kids more. At that time, her ex husband had cheated on her bunch and she kept going back to him. Then she left him for good and moved in with her parents. Her and her mom had falling out. She went through depression stuff, started dating a lot and felt lost. Her mom said it was just differences they had as to why she wasn’t allowed to live there anymore.  There was couple incidents but nothing major. Just combo of things.  I figured something terrible because parents don’t let their kids out in street like that.  I pushed her to reconcile with her mom and make things right.  She did. She also told me I’m majority reason she came out of dark place she’d be in.  When she was living at her 2nd husbands house she didn’t see kids much because of the distance they lived compared to her first husband (the father).  She moved back in with her parents about month after we started dating. When I met her she was living out of her car. I didn’t know this until couple weeks after we started dating. She was at my house though a bunch right off the bat.  Right now, she has her kids more since she’s back at her moms. Which I also pushed her to do, in terms of being with her kids more. She runs from conflict. She can’t stand confrontations.  Her family could not stand her ex husband (2nd husband). She told me she’s talked to her family about me and they like me a ton from everything she’s told them like how much she cares for me, how good I am to her, how good of a dad I am and such.  She also told her ex husband about me and how much she cares for me and I’ll be around kids some point in future.  So she tells these people these things then she does this?  Makes no sense.  Maybe she enjoys drama.  She’s also stubborn. When I caught her being dishonest about her ex husband, I told her it’s not cool to lie like that and we needed to chill back make sure we liked each other to continue dating. I told her I wasn’t ending things but needed her to be honest. She was scared embarrassed she said. I’m forgiving guy and understand she’s gone through tough times everything she’s shared to me.  Anyways, that day I told her this, she left quietly upset and didn’t say much.  Later that night she told me she was “wanting me to chase her, come after her”.  I told her that’s not really healthy in relationship per say. She told me she was just saying that because she’s stubborn at times, kinda bratty at times and she typically gets whatever she wants. I teased her like a 12 year old does?  She said she’s been that way her whole life that she can be bratty at times.  Which is fine, everybody has flaws.  That said, it’s main reason why I feel I want to reach out to her right now because I could easily see her saying “he’s not reaching out to me during our no contact, so he must not really care, oh well”.  Plus combine it with telling me don’t disappear, she’s not blocking me at all, we are going to talk, and she wants to wake up and know for sure she can juggle our relationship with her new job kids living situation and such.  Combine that with everyday things she would tell me about us as well.  Heck, 2 days before this we planned our next date night.  On top of her telling me adamantly “she’s not going anywhere and trust me with your heart”.  Might be more info than asked for but that’s more background.  

[ExpatInItaly]

She sounds...quite unstable, Jay. 

This woman doesn't have her life together. (Does she work?) She doesn't appear to be emotionally-grounded and the relationships around her seem riddled with conflict. You need to ask yourself who is the common denominator there. 

Do you have any tangible proof that she's told her family and ex-husband anything about you? Beyond her word, I mean. She comes across as the type who will say whatever sounds good in them moment, but I would not be so quick to assume she's sung your praises to these people the way she claims she has. You know she is capable of lying to you, so you need to be very cautious. 

I don't mean to suggest she's fundamentally a bad person. But you would be doing yourself a grave disservice by not taking time to acknowledge the many red flags here. Are your past relationships similar? Meaning, are you usually attracted to women who are so chaotic? 

[JayWay]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She sounds...quite unstable, Jay. 

This woman doesn't have her life together. (Does she work?) She doesn't appear to be emotionally-grounded and the relationships around her seem riddled with conflict. You need to ask yourself who is the common denominator there. 

Do you have any tangible proof that she's told her family and ex-husband anything about you? Beyond her word, I mean. She comes across as the type who will say whatever sounds good in them moment, but I would not be so quick to assume she's sung your praises to these people the way she claims she has. You know she is capable of lying to you, so you need to be very cautious. 

I don't mean to suggest she's fundamentally a bad person. But you would be doing yourself a grave disservice by not taking time to acknowledge the many red flags here. Are your past relationships similar? Meaning, are you usually attracted to women who are so chaotic? 

She just started a new job 2 weeks ago. It’s one reason she stated needing space/time right now.  My past relationships are not, they are mostly stable. My ex wife turned chaotic at end because she cheated. That would make most people on edge though during divorce process.  And leaving our son behind too.  But all other relationships have been solid.  I guess I don’t see them as red flags, rather just people struggle at points in life.  She’s aware of not being involved mom for period of time. The proof is she’s talked to her ex in front of me via phone about their kids, texted him about me something to do with kids and such. Her mom has been in room when we are on phone and teases us how we’ve fallen so hard for each other so quick.  She’s also said on phone in front of her mom things like miss you babe, and such.  Something happened though day before all this. I don’t know what. There’s feeling I have maybe her mom told her to back off focus on job and kids. I say that because her mom laid out ground rules when she moved back in. One of those was me not coming over for period of time until her mom sees employment stability, kids are settled and  such.  I don’t know though.  Her mom knows she’s under pressure and she isn’t good at multitasking. With her new job is stressful and if I’m being more needy then I’m not helping.  I would think though based off everything we’ve done and said with each other, if she were to lose job or something and she got kicked out of her moms house that she should know I’m here for her.  In other words, she was practically living here until she moved back with her mom and her kids started coming there a lot more.  Nothing has ever felt so wrong as this.  It’s 7 days NC and I’ve confirmed that I want us together without any doubt, and take it slow and let it evolve with our kids and such.  I’ve also realized my shortcomings and I truly miss her. Not the idea of her. I miss her.  She likes being chased. She’s told me that when we had little spat about her being dishonest. She’s gone back to exes in past when they’ve cheated.  None of this makes any sense.  She can say anything, but just day before this, the sincerity towards me was great, when she told me to trust her with my heart and trust that she doesn’t want to go anywhere.  I don’t know what to do?  I feel so strongly in my gut this isn’t how it’s supposed to be  I want to text her and tell her “it’s been some days and I’m thinking of you. I miss talking, your laugh, things said, did, share, emotionally physically. I miss us. I missteps of mine, to correct those and prove those. I’ve never felt this before, as we’ve both said as such.  I’m here for you”.  Can I send that?  

[MJJean]

The more details you give the more unstable, selfish, self serving, manipulative, and weak minded she sounds. 

You keep trying to make sense of her using your type of thinking. That will never work because she doesn't think like you.

For example,

On 12/27/2020 at 3:09 PM, JayWay said:

 Why she tell me “it’s not forever, don't disappear, we are going to talk, I’m not going to block you or anything like that”.  

Because she is newly single, again, and wants to explore her options while keeping you around just in case she doesn't find another man who wants her. I know you don't want to hear this, but chances are she already had another man either she was taking to or on her mind when she ended things with you. If that doesn't work out, she'll come back the same way she has done with her ex's. And how did it work out for them? Not well. And it won't work out with you, either.

On 12/28/2020 at 4:14 PM, JayWay said:

She even told her ex about me and how soon we would meet each other’s kids. She told her ex how she’s fallen hard for me. Why tell her ex that then she flips like this?

To make him jealous that she's moved on and has another man in his kids lives.

On 12/28/2020 at 4:14 PM, JayWay said:

 She’s gone back to her ex few different times and think she’s done that before with another ex. Maybe it’s how she tries to deal with stuff?

She is the kind that can't be alone. If she ends up alone she goes back to the familiar just to have a relationship going until she decides to leave again or the man she's with breaks it off. Then she finds someone else, love bombs, rinse and repeat.

On 12/28/2020 at 4:14 PM, JayWay said:

I really feel this isn’t what should be and she’s forcing herself to do this?

How you feel is meaningless. She's made her feelings on the matter clear. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. She has said it and she has backed up those words with the action of not contacting you for days. As far as I can tell, that is the ONLY thing she's told you that she's backed up with actions. Everything else was just fun future faking.

 

On 12/27/2020 at 10:45 AM, JayWay said:

We shared tons intimate feelings, promises, physically things that are really important for me

I've told casual short term men who came into my life things my own mother didn't know. Why? I was comfortable with them, it felt good to say it to another human being, and there was little actual risk to me because I knew those relationships would be short term. Some people, those who crave the in love feeling, will also share secrets as a short cut to and substitute for intimacy, which takes time to develop.

Seriously, man, let this one go. It was only real in the moment.

[maggiemtn]

Jay, 

You’ve got to try to grieve the loss of this relationship and start to heal. That’s really important because in all other scenarios, it’s a losing situation. I constantly ask this to myself about my recent ex: “What if he called right now and said I want you back?” I mean sure, it would feel GREAT in the moment. Then the dread would set in. How do I ever trust him again? How do I get past what he said? How do we move forward after we both said we aren’t meeting each others’ needs? Getting back together will only make you happy in the moment, especially when you’ve admitted to having insecurities and “being needy.” I too was like this in the beginning of my last relationship but it was a personality incompatibility I should’ve known better than to take on (for example, he’s super social, always on the phone—it goes off 24 hours a day. I get embarrassed by center of attention types and can’t stand my phone unless I’m using it for something productive). I saw how much he was constantly on the phone, and though I never thought he was doing anything wrong, I now look at it in a different way: I can sit and be still. He can’t. That gave me anxiety. What I’m getting at is now that I am in the grief process and have fully accepted I’m not getting back with my ex (still very very sad though), I have started to see how incompatible we really were. We had good times! We hardly argued! But we just weren’t right for each other. 
 

There are so many red flags with your ex, it’s really painful to read. I know it’s sad, and it sucks so, so much to have to deal with the loss of any relationship, but that’s the only way you come out on the other side. If you text her things like you want to say, it just comes off even more needy, clingy, and just sad. Sad that she will know she can walk all over you and you’ll still tell her how great she is. You will get very little respect doing that, not from her nor yourself. And YOU are the only factor here. Your self-worth and importance shouldn’t be tied up in someone who treated you so poorly. It’s a tangled mess but slowly you CAN untangle it. You and I are both on the same days of NC. I have no desire to reach out to my ex, not because I don’t miss him or love him, but because I can’t imagine the knot that would put in my stomach waiting on a response or getting none. I can pretty much promise you sending her that is not going to make you feel better, you won’t get the response you want, or you’ll be told to hang on longer and wait for something that isn’t likely to ever come and you’ll prolong your own suffering. Please save yourself the heartache. 

[ExpatInItaly]

So, she essentially needs to be parented by her mother. And she is a mother herself. 

Jay, this isn’t going to work out. This woman does not sound capable of a stable, long-lasting relationship. Even if she comes back, she’s nearly guaranteed to bolt again. That’s apparently how she rolls. She is a grown woman with some serious issues, which mean her mom has to enforce “rules” on her decades after the age at which that would normally be necessary and appropriate. This isn’t someone who’s just going through a rough patch, dude. This is someone who doesn’t function well and isn’t stable in general. Her messy life is the evidence of that. 

You would be best to detach. There isn’t a bright, happy future here for you. 

[JayWay]

17 hours ago, maggiemtn said:

Jay, 

You’ve got to try to grieve the loss of this relationship and start to heal. That’s really important because in all other scenarios, it’s a losing situation. I constantly ask this to myself about my recent ex: “What if he called right now and said I want you back?” I mean sure, it would feel GREAT in the moment. Then the dread would set in. How do I ever trust him again? How do I get past what he said? How do we move forward after we both said we aren’t meeting each others’ needs? Getting back together will only make you happy in the moment, especially when you’ve admitted to having insecurities and “being needy.” I too was like this in the beginning of my last relationship but it was a personality incompatibility I should’ve known better than to take on (for example, he’s super social, always on the phone—it goes off 24 hours a day. I get embarrassed by center of attention types and can’t stand my phone unless I’m using it for something productive). I saw how much he was constantly on the phone, and though I never thought he was doing anything wrong, I now look at it in a different way: I can sit and be still. He can’t. That gave me anxiety. What I’m getting at is now that I am in the grief process and have fully accepted I’m not getting back with my ex (still very very sad though), I have started to see how incompatible we really were. We had good times! We hardly argued! But we just weren’t right for each other. 
 

There are so many red flags with your ex, it’s really painful to read. I know it’s sad, and it sucks so, so much to have to deal with the loss of any relationship, but that’s the only way you come out on the other side. If you text her things like you want to say, it just comes off even more needy, clingy, and just sad. Sad that she will know she can walk all over you and you’ll still tell her how great she is. You will get very little respect doing that, not from her nor yourself. And YOU are the only factor here. Your self-worth and importance shouldn’t be tied up in someone who treated you so poorly. It’s a tangled mess but slowly you CAN untangle it. You and I are both on the same days of NC. I have no desire to reach out to my ex, not because I don’t miss him or love him, but because I can’t imagine the knot that would put in my stomach waiting on a response or getting none. I can pretty much promise you sending her that is not going to make you feel better, you won’t get the response you want, or you’ll be told to hang on longer and wait for something that isn’t likely to ever come and you’ll prolong your own suffering. Please save yourself the heartache. 

And I assume me sending her a message will just enforce even more that she then knows she can walk all over me?  That she can come and go as needed and that I’ll be waiting for her?  Even if it’s not clingy but a message like “hey, hope new job is good, was just thinking about you, missing you some”.  I guess that message would clearly indicate to her that she has total control over me and knows “he will always be there waiting in case I wanna go back to him when other things don’t workout”? Isn’t that true? 

[tart6245]

1 minute ago, JayWay said:

And I assume me sending her a message will just enforce even more that she then knows she can walk all over me?  That she can come and go as needed and that I’ll be waiting for her?  Even if it’s not clingy but a message like “hey, hope new job is good, was just thinking about you, missing you some”.  I guess that message would clearly indicate to her that she has total control over me and knows “he will always be there waiting in case I wanna go back to him when other things don’t workout”? Isn’t that true? 

I would not message her. There is no reason to wait on her to come back. Work on what you need to work on. If she comes back someday, great, but if not, you will be better for the next person that comes into your life. 

[maggiemtn]

1 hour ago, JayWay said:

And I assume me sending her a message will just enforce even more that she then knows she can walk all over me?  That she can come and go as needed and that I’ll be waiting for her?  Even if it’s not clingy but a message like “hey, hope new job is good, was just thinking about you, missing you some”.  I guess that message would clearly indicate to her that she has total control over me and knows “he will always be there waiting in case I wanna go back to him when other things don’t workout”? Isn’t that true? 

I would stop worrying about how it’s going to make you look and start focusing on how you can move past a very unhealthy relationship. 

[JayWay]

10 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

I would stop worrying about how it’s going to make you look and start focusing on how you can move past a very unhealthy relationship. 

I agree. I truly care for her as person. We shared very deep darker things.  I’m just saying not worried how makes me look.  I want her to truly I always be there for her whatever capacity. So, if sending something like that would reflect “good to know I can go back to him whenever feel like it”, then it doesn’t help growth.  It gives her more control over me, correct?  

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, JayWay said:

. So, if sending something like that would reflect “good to know I can go back to him whenever feel like it”, then it doesn’t help growth.  It gives her more control over me, correct?  

Exactly, and it keeps you attached to a toxic situation. 

She isn't going to be the one you ride off into the sunset with, man. The sooner you realize that, the better. 

You have to stop measuring your worth by how this woman does or doesn't respond to you. That's a big part of your problem here. 

[tart6245]

1 hour ago, JayWay said:

I agree. I truly care for her as person. We shared very deep darker things.  I’m just saying not worried how makes me look.  I want her to truly I always be there for her whatever capacity. So, if sending something like that would reflect “good to know I can go back to him whenever feel like it”, then it doesn’t help growth.  It gives her more control over me, correct?  

By saying you will always be there for her,  you are suggesting you are putting your life on hold for her for whenever she needs you. She dumped you. You shouldn't be there for her anymore. If she needed you, she'd never have dumped you. 

I am dealing with heartbreak too and I also am fighting my urges to contact my ex to talk and try to work things out, but I would never tell her I am putting my life on hold to wait for her nor tell her I am always here for her. Presumably, if we don't get back together, she will eventually move on with another man. Why would I want to be there for her then? Why would you? 

[trident_2020]

13 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

I also am fighting my urges to contact my ex to talk and try to work things out, but I would never tell her I am putting my life on hold to wait for her nor tell her I am always here for her. 

That's pretty much what you're saying when and if you reach out to her.

 

[tart6245]

15 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

That's pretty much what you're saying when and if you reach out to her.

 

Depends on how you interpret it. I would not tell my ex "I will always be here for you" because I won't be if there is no future for us. There may be no difference when I say it or not, but if I do reach out on my end and get no response or a negative one, then I will know it's over for good and the changes I am making will benefit the next person I meet.