I was stunned girlfriend called it off right now, 6 days NC, I'm in misery like never before, will she reach out to me?

[JayWay]

4 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

She doesn't know what she wants, she hasn't yet decided to dump you for good, her emotions are all over the place and you're holding on for the ride.

A good analogy might be a dog at the end of a leash, the owner is running all over the place in erratic, non predictable directions and the dog keeps getting yanked all over the place as it follows the owner in no particular direction with no definitive outcome.

If that's what you want then keep right on chasing her and hope for the best. A better move might be to go dark and focus on your own life and not on her and her unpredictable ways. She's got one foot out the door at the very least, so even if she comes back it will be a fight to keep her long term and as insecure as you are, it will be a chronic nightmare.

 

 

My insecurity I can always work on.  I went dark. Then I get her text yesterday of happy New Years ❤️ Love you.  Ummmmm, what?  She asked for time. That’s confusing.  Not sure about you or others on here, but I don’t text people with holiday greeting with heart emjoi and say love you.  Let alone soemone that literally I opened home and heart too, and vice versa or someone that need time space to make sure can juggle everything.   Kinda feel that message is selfish as she knows how hurt I am and how bad I want us to work.  Holy cow!  No idea what to say.  

[trident_2020]

Yes the message is entirely selfish on her part. That's how it works, people tend to think of themselves and what they want. Which is why you don't respond. Which is why if you go dark she won't think "oh he's moving on he doesn't want me I better not contact him". Because selfish people don't think that way. If she wants back in you can bet she'll be contacting you no matter how much pain and agony it might cause you.

You have no idea what to say. It's fairly easy. You say nothing. No response sends the strongest message. It says you are a strong, independent man and you aren't going to settle for scraps that are thrown your way.

 

 

 

[JayWay]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

We've told you several times that these sorts of words/messages are meant  to keep you on the hook. 

She is a selfish, immature and unstable person. Yet somehow, you expect her to behave like she's not all those things. You're going to keep banging your head into the wall until you decide to take off your blinders and get real with yourself:

This chick is a few fries short of a Happy Meal. 

What hook?  She’s said she needs time space etc.  Hook for what?  I’d think a better hook would be things like “oh I miss you, need you, this sucks”.  I could be wrong though.  I’ve never felt this way before about a woman and I’ve never dealt with anything remotely close to this.  I went dark with zero contact. I then contacted her though as already said 2 nights ago and got her response of “appreciate you everything and what saying, I just need time now, I’m sorry, don’t disappear”.   What I’m saying is why message me something heartfelt when she knows I don’t want us apart and working on being together by her demands.  Makes zero sense.  Even if it’s keep me on hook?   She’s already seen how heartbroke I am.  So how is that keep me on hook? Sorry, again, I’ve never fallen like this before and I truly care for her as human being and as a mom and such.  And I’ve never dealt with any separation even close to This.  It feels she’s forcing herself or something.  Remember, she’s brat at times and says she always gets what she wants.   

[trident_2020]

There's not really a "hook". The hook is symbolic for keeping you tied to her every whim, waiting for her next message, wondering if she'll take you back or dump you for good, forcing you to keep your life on hold while she decides what's best for her with no regard to what you want or need.

And she's doing a fine job of it. You're spinning in circles and going nowhere.

 

[JayWay]

6 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Yes the message is entirely selfish on her part. That's how it works, people tend to think of themselves and what they want. Which is why you don't respond. Which is why if you go dark she won't think "oh he's moving on he doesn't want me I better not contact him". Because selfish people don't think that way. If she wants back in you can bet she'll be contacting you no matter how much pain and agony it might cause you.

You have no idea what to say. It's fairly easy. You say nothing. No response sends the strongest message. It says you are a strong, independent man and you aren't going to settle for scraps that are thrown your way.

 

 

 

Good advice.  So don’t even send her back like a heart emoji?  Meaning no words, just send back “❤️💚”.  That’s just example.  Or doing that just confirms for her that she has me whenever she wants whenever suits her? 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, JayWay said:

 Remember, she’s brat at times and says she always gets what she wants.   

Yeah, like more time with her own kids?

Her own place to live?

A career to speak of?

Jay, come on, now. She does not always get what she wants, or she wouldn't be living the life she's got now. She sounds like a teenager who thinks she's got everyone wrapped around her finger, when she really doesn't. She's not in the driver seat of her own life, or she wouldn't need Mama to parent her. 

That's not being a brat. That's being emotionally unstable, erratic, and unable to function the way an adult normally does. She has the mental maturity of a 16-year-old. 

How old is this person, anyway? And how old are you? 

Edited January 1, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[maggiemtn]

2 minutes ago, JayWay said:

Good advice.  So don’t even send her back like a heart emoji?  Meaning no words, just send back “❤️💚”.  That’s just example.  Or doing that just confirms for her that she has me whenever she wants whenever suits her? 

BLOCK. HER. Why would you send heart emojis? It doesn’t matter how you feel she is feeling or thinking. Everyone feels that way when they get dumped. “This is wrong, it shouldn’t be like this.” But the other person feels differently. Your ex knows she can get your attention whenever she wants and she’s going to keep on doing it until she either finds someone else or needs something from you and then she’ll disappear again because she’s an unstable flake who doesn’t value you at all. 
 

it’s been super refreshing for me to have blocked my ex and know that even if he texts me in a weak moment “I miss you” or something pointless, I’ll never know it. I won’t have to be sad or have a setback. I get up every day, go to the gym, study, write about my goals to improve my self-confidence. In the last three weeks, I went from crying into my pillow saying I don’t care if I wake up in the morning, to being able to get outside and do some productive things, sometimes without even thinking about him at all. 

You’re going to go nowhere until you take control of your own life. 

[JayWay]

22 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You keep repeating this. 

What do you want it to mean? Clearly the answers we've provided are not what you're hoping to hear. 

I don’t want it to mean anything specifically. To me, and everybody is different, when I or another lady has ended things with each other we don’t say stuff even remotely like that nor do we kiss then say love you, it’s not forever. I’ve had break ups where neither really wanted but we both knew for whatever reason it’s for best on both sides  I’ve had them where one of maybe didn’t want it but we never engaged in language and acted like that.  Even her bringing all her work stuff like she was spending night but also brought couple my things and took her things.  Ironically though she “forgot” to bring my expensive aviator sunglasses she’s started wearing, couple of my favorite shirts and then takes with her my favorite hoodie and my throw blanket when she left. Makes zero sense.  Plus leaving blow-drier and few pairs her shoes that were smack in front of dresser where she retrieved few of her shirts from.  I know it’s material things, but  point is, it’s very odd behavior for someone that bolts suddenly.  Sheesh, could write a novel about this.   I’m not desperate.  I’m really hurt, blindsided and truly want us together even if we go slow like we should.  I’ve done NC, focused on son when I’m with him, still workout daily.

 

[trident_2020]

Sending a heart emoji is infinitely worse than sending nothing. With one small symbol  you are basically saying you love her no matter how she treats you and you're a sap just waiting to be dumped if that's her choice. Might as well drop to your knees and beg her for more scraps of attention if you're going to send hearts to a woman who isn't even sure she wants to be with you.

 

[trident_2020]

4 minutes ago, JayWay said:

 I’m not desperate.

 

You DEFINE the word "desperate". Some day you'll read what you wrote on this thread and think about how you're acting right now and you'll be shaking your head.

[JayWay]

5 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

BLOCK. HER. Why would you send heart emojis? It doesn’t matter how you feel she is feeling or thinking. Everyone feels that way when they get dumped. “This is wrong, it shouldn’t be like this.” But the other person feels differently. Your ex knows she can get your attention whenever she wants and she’s going to keep on doing it until she either finds someone else or needs something from you and then she’ll disappear again because she’s an unstable flake who doesn’t value you at all. 
 

it’s been super refreshing for me to have blocked my ex and know that even if he texts me in a weak moment “I miss you” or something pointless, I’ll never know it. I won’t have to be sad or have a setback. I get up every day, go to the gym, study, write about my goals to improve my self-confidence. In the last three weeks, I went from crying into my pillow saying I don’t care if I wake up in the morning, to being able to get outside and do some productive things, sometimes without even thinking about him at all. 

You’re going to go nowhere until you take control of your own life. 

I’ll block her.  But it’s not usually my style.  She told me she isn’t blocking me (night she did this). Then when she said don’t disappear I did and do feel like “I won’t block or disappear, if she needs help in future I’ll help her etc”.  I’m wondering what purpose does serve messaging me that when she just told me day before “I just need more time.....I’m sorry....don’t disappear”?   Makes zero sense from standpoint she doesn’t get moments of weakness per say.  She’s to stubborn.  Look, I want us to work out. We’ve been good and nothing gave hint to this so suddenly. That’s why I think maybe it’s another guy, grass greener syndrome?   If she sends out of moments of weakness, she knows how I feel and how it will mess me up mentally emotionally.  I don’t do that to others and all my exes don’t either.  Yes, there’s cases where an ex realizes he or she made mistake and wants to work on things. But she’s had moments during NC to reach out already sending love you ❤️ emojis.  Maybe 2 girlfriends send heart emoji to each other at times.  But not to the guy that she’s creamated his heart. So why send it?  And don’t say “she’s being nice friendly”.  That I don’t buy.  

[trident_2020]

2 minutes ago, JayWay said:

  That I don’t buy.  

You keep posting the same things over and over again. Don't you get it man?

It's not about what you want or what you think. She doesn't CARE.

 

[JayWay]

8 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Sending a heart emoji is infinitely worse than sending nothing. With one small symbol  you are basically saying you love her no matter how she treats you and you're a sap just waiting to be dumped if that's her choice. Might as well drop to your knees and beg her for more scraps of attention if you're going to send hearts to a woman who isn't even sure she wants to be with you.

 

I didn’t send. She sent it to me.  That’s what I’m saying.  I’m sorry if I made sound like I sent it to her.  I was implying if I did, why is it bad, not helpful etc.  Because she obviously sent it. So she sent it clearly saying she loves me (though she said it) and it’s door she’s either opening or something.  I could be wrong. My family and few good friends always tell me I’m most trusting guy, most genuine, but I’m terrible at seen motives of others. Guess this might be example?   Other words, I see that from her, I then believe “well, she told me needs more time so she’s comfortable enough with what shared she can let me know that with her heart emojis etc”.   That’s way wrong thinking, giving benefit doubt about this, isn’t it?  

[maggiemtn]

15 minutes ago, JayWay said:

I’ve done NC

 

Have you, though? You’re still in touch. That’s not NC. Just not talking for a couple days is NOT no contact. Asking how to get someone back is not NC. 
 

This is all just really sad and I don’t think there’s anything else I can say to help. You want to be with someone who hasn’t been good to you at all and is stringing you along. It sounds like you almost want there to be another guy involved so you can just wait that out until it crashes and burns and she runs back to you as a backup plan. No one can help you if you don’t help yourself.  

[JayWay]

4 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

You keep posting the same things over and over again. Don't you get it man?

It's not about what you want or what you think. She doesn't CARE.

 

I agree. Then why she send me a

message that’s heartfelt and meaningful?  So I don’t get it then.  People don’t do that.  There’s reason she sends it.  Unless people always sends stuff like that after they trash persons heart and tell them they still need more time.  

[trident_2020]

Agree with the above poster. You just keep asking the same questions over and over again, and are not really listening to anything being suggested here.

[JayWay]

1 minute ago, maggiemtn said:

Have you, though? You’re still in touch. That’s not NC. Just not talking for a couple days is NOT no contact. Asking how to get someone back is not NC. 
 

This is all just really sad and I don’t think there’s anything else I can say to help. You want to be with someone who hasn’t been good to you at all and is stringing you along. It sounds like you almost want there to be another guy involved so you can just wait that out until it crashes and burns and she runs back to you as a backup plan. No one can help you if you don’t help yourself.  

Not at all. She’s been good until this fiasco started.  And now sending me message with red heart emoji saying love you makes me wonder if ok should I follow up and ask if she wants talk, come over and talk, if she’s ok, if she whatever want to phrase it. 

[trident_2020]

I'm out.

[JayWay]

2 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Agree with the above poster. You just keep asking the same questions over and over again, and are not really listening to anything being suggested here.

I’m trying to process it.  Sending me message like that is meaningful.  I don’t know it it’s her trying to open door to me, or whatever it is. And no, I don’t get if responding to her is bad or good?  I don’t want her to feel like “meh, he ignored me after I told him loved him sent him heart emoji, so screw him”.  I don’t know because I’ve never dealt like this. I’ve also never felt this way about person as she’s shared to me.  If she sends it to just keep me on hook then no that’s not Cool.   But again, this entire thing feels wrong meaning the breakup. Almost again, like she’s forcing herself to do it.  If I should not respond I will not.  I’m just wondering if I did, what does that do?  Piss her off?  Me miss out on her trying to make things right? Etc?’ 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, JayWay said:

I’m trying to process it.  Sending me message like that is meaningful

It probably took her all of 5 seconds to do it. 

It's not meaningful in light of the other crazy BS she's pulled. 

[JayWay]

12 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

Have you, though? You’re still in touch. That’s not NC. Just not talking for a couple days is NOT no contact. Asking how to get someone back is not NC. 
 

This is all just really sad and I don’t think there’s anything else I can say to help. You want to be with someone who hasn’t been good to you at all and is stringing you along. It sounds like you almost want there to be another guy involved so you can just wait that out until it crashes and burns and she runs back to you as a backup plan. No one can help you if you don’t help yourself.  

Look, I’m trying to process it.  It’s very hard for me when I’ve not felt this way before.  Sending me message with heart and love you like that is meaningful.  I don’t know if it’s her trying to open door, or whatever.  And no, I don’t get if responding to her is bad or good?  I don’t want her to feel like “meh, he ignored me after I told him loved him sent him heart emoji, so screw him”.  I don’t know because I’ve never dealt like this. I’ve also never felt this way about person as she’s shared to me.  If she sends it to just keep me on hook then no that’s not Cool.   But again, this entire thing feels wrong via meaning the breakup. Almost again, like she’s forcing herself to do it.  If I should not respond I will not.  I’m just wondering if I did, what does that do?  Piss her off?  Me miss out on her trying to make things right? Etc?’ 

[JayWay]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It probably took her all of 5 seconds to do it. 

It's not meaningful in light of the other crazy BS she's pulled. 

Fair point.  Why send though when she knows how hurt I am?  When she just told me “don’t disappear, I just need more time, I’m sorry, don’t disappear”.   I’ve said that a bunch but that’s where confusion is.  If that’s case, she could be opening door, wanting to make things right, wanting me to tell her I’m sorry for my role and would she like to talk, etc.  Because I don’t see how person does that knowing everything to keep me on hook?  There’s no hook?  Unless it’s her ability to have power over me knowing I’m always here for her?   I won’t respond.Maybe I respond with “you said needed time and you’ve hurt me, this message confuses me, I’m here for you if ever need person talk too”?  

[maggiemtn]

Jay, 

It’s understandable you’re hurt. We’ve been there. But you’re going in circles. You say “I won’t respond,” then literally the next sentence is that maybe you will. Your family is right, you seem to have no concept of people’s true motives or intentions instead just thinking everyone is doing things out of the goodness of their heart and everyone is kind, sweet, and trusting. It’s unrealistic to think that way. 
 

Your ex will continue to use you until you decide not to let her into your life anymore. That’s the bottom line. I too am out of this conversation. Good luck. 

[JayWay]

56 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

Jay, 

It’s understandable you’re hurt. We’ve been there. But you’re going in circles. You say “I won’t respond,” then literally the next sentence is that maybe you will. Your family is right, you seem to have no concept of people’s true motives or intentions instead just thinking everyone is doing things out of the goodness of their heart and everyone is kind, sweet, and trusting. It’s unrealistic to think that way. 
 

Your ex will continue to use you until you decide not to let her into your life anymore. That’s the bottom line. I too am out of this conversation. Good luck. 

Thank you for all advice.  Otherwise, I’d contact her back.  Then start asking why she sent it etc.  I will not send anything back.  Just please know, I don’t want to mess up any chances. Like if I don’t respond she’ll just say he didn’t respond so screw him. But that’s a reason I would not want to be with that person.  It’s just crazy to me how person can truly have a backup plan with breadcrumbs and such. I’ve never been that way. None of my other exes really have either.  So it’s so strange to me.  No matter who it is, we all agree that wishing soemone happy holiday birthday etc, is not good or fair to other person that is the dumpee.  Kinda insulting actually she sends that.  Maybe if it’s a yellow heart and says have nice 2021. Even then, it’s kinda selfish when it’s so fresh of happening.  If that makes sense.  I didn’t send her merry cmas because didn’t seem best or right.  With all circumstances. Sorry other got frustrated at me. It’s just really hard and I fight with myself because I want us together. But really she needs to make the efforts steps if that’s case.  Unless that’s selfish my end.  Sorry again for causing frustration that I’m not taking all the advice.  I truly am.  I’ll go dark.  

[ExpatInItaly]

Jay, unstable people behave in an unstable manner. 

It’s never going to make sense to you because you’re not wired that way, so it’s useless keep repeating the same loop over and over. Unstable people are not predictable and don’t behave in a logical fashion. 

If you insist on waiting around, expect a lot more of this. It’s who she is. You’re not going to get a consistently happy and stable relationship out of her. You’re going to get hurt again.