I was stunned girlfriend called it off right now, 6 days NC, I'm in misery like never before, will she reach out to me?

[JayWay]

40 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

Jay,

You sound like you’re improving! You may not think so but from what you’ve written you seem to be thinking much more clearly. Keep up the good work. Vent here when you need to instead of engaging with your ex. It WILL get better. 

Not sure improving. I truly miss her, truly feel beyond used.  I know nobody knows all words texts actions that took place. But trust me, this is so bizarre and hurtful with all that she said to me and even did.  I gave up my heart to woman I trusted. I know if I’m smothering at times.  But that’s nowhere near cause for this. I’m learning she can’t really cope well. Thus, going back to her exes, telling me don’t disappear, telling me don’t block her or me, telling me won’t kill us to wait.  It’s disrespectful too, because she knows I have a little son that is my world and how emotions, being involved intimately can carry over and affect a kid.  And she’s a mom.  My number 1 thing with building a blended family is can I trust that woman with my son if ever I’m not present or his mom continues in and out of his life.  I trusted her in that regard with all she did and said.  I’m hurting a lot and it’s crazy seems she’s not at all.  Maybe she is.  But no human can go from texting talking seen each daily almost for few months then cold turkey.  Either I was used, or grass is greener other side until it’s not.  What scares me, is I’m not strong to tell her NO.  And I don’t know how to get there yet. Being left by ex wife with our son tends to carry over for long time.  This feels worse.  I promised myself I wasn’t going to date again, not fall again, just be a dad. I told her that too. Told her she’s done something I never thought woman could and feel something never before and I’ve been through it all in life.  Maybe she used me because I own my own home and oepened it to her when she said she was living in her car.  I pray that’s not case.  There’s a song by band Poison called Every Rose Has It’s Thorn, and don’t by Guns N Roses called November Rain.  That’s exactly how I feel.  Again, my family is worried becuase they know I can’t say NO right now, and my sister believes she’ll try to come back whether it’s just for physical things, comfort, etc, and I’ll always be there for her.  I’ve told her I would wait a day or 50 days so that doesn’t help.  I need to battle that in my head and heart where I can say “hell no, you wanna come back, look at all damage you did, the heck happens if you bolt 3 years from now with our kids, same kids you nonstop talked about us being blended family around and kid in my son I hammered down my boundary to show you how important our relationship was to me, so NO”.   I can’t say that now.  That partially makes me wish she realizes what she’s doing or done.  No clue why she’s told me so much how I’m her dream and thanks me for getting her out of dark place then she goes cold silent etc.  Beyond selfish.  Why did she tell me and do things?  Not once either.  Tons times.  Day before all this.  Ugh. Just sucks.   I would give anything to fall asleep next to her, and hear her say “I’m sorry, you’re the reason”.  Which oddly she’s told me before. Listen to those songs if fan of them. Speaks exactly to me.  

[JayWay]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's friendzoning.  It's ego tripping and convincing herself what a wonderful, awesome and compassionate dumper she is.🙄

Yes, your basic rubbish communication. That's why your decision to block is a good idea.

That’s gigantic ego and some “compassion”, for her to insist not to block each other, take my damn throw blanket, take bag of coffee she asked me day prior to get for her because she doesn’t like certain brand so if I can get brand she likes, take my damn favorite hoody after bringing it back, conveniently not bring back my 2 favorite T-shirts she has, conveniently forget to bring back my expensive aviator sunglasses, conveniently leaves few pairs her shoes smack in front of dresser, her blow dryer.  I’m sorry, there’s zero compassion there.  There’s take take take.  And there’s, who cares I’m literally smashing this dudes heart to pieces, but just don’t disappear.   No empathy. That’s narcissism.  You know what, on her Instagram, she has quotes how empathy is everything, how sacrifice is everything, how narcissism is worst trait and how is there real men out there?   Holy crap.  I want to ask her “are there real women out there, at least some with empathy?   Oh, give me back “all” my stuff this time and please take “all” your stuff this time.  I’m sorry, not bashing women, but good grief.  This is beyond selfish. This is beyond being used.  She can come back and I’d like to say that. She met my dad couple weeks ago. They were talking and she was telling him How lucky she is with me. He kinda alluded to her “my son and his son have been through a ton of hurt, no issues things don’t work out, my son has never been happier since met you, he was good on his own, but you’ve brought out better out of him too”.  She said “that makes me smile, touches my heart like nothing ever, I love your son”.   Needless to say my dad is pissed.  Plus my dad knows I’d take her back in heartbeat right now. And he doesn’t like seen me hurt.  Thanks for letting me share that.   

[JayWay]

1 hour ago, LynneVicious said:

Keep it up! Now you’re thinking more constructively. 
 

hinestly, if you keep her blocked, you will be amazed at the red flags you missed as time goes on. Once the rose colored glasses are off, you’ll be kicking yourself because you missed so many. 
 

time is your friend here. You just have to stay strong and take it day by day. You’ll notice as each week goes by, you’ll be thinking of her less and less. Don’t settle for someone treating you this way. 

I think posted this below to another that mentioned her ego trying to make her think she has compassion.  Sorry if duplicated.  Ugh, watched friday night lights with her.....anyways. 

 

She has gigantic ego and some “compassion”, for her to insist not to block each other, take my damn throw blanket, take bag of coffee she asked me day prior to get for her because she doesn’t like certain brand so if I can get brand she likes, take my damn favorite hoody after bringing it back, conveniently not bring back my 2 favorite T-shirts she has, conveniently forget to bring back my expensive aviator sunglasses, conveniently leaves few pairs her shoes smack in front of dresser, her blow dryer.  I’m sorry, there’s zero compassion there.  There’s take take take.  And there’s, who cares I’m literally smashing this dudes heart to pieces, but just don’t disappear.   No empathy. That’s narcissism.  You know what, on her Instagram, she has quotes how empathy is everything, how sacrifice is everything, how narcissism is worst trait and how is there real men out there?   Holy crap.  I want to ask her “are there real women out there, at least some with empathy?   Oh, give me back “all” my stuff this time and please take “all” your stuff this time.  I’m sorry, not bashing women, but good grief.  This is beyond selfish. This is beyond being used.  She can come back and I’d like to say that. She met my dad couple weeks ago. They were talking and she was telling him How lucky she is with me. He kinda alluded to her “my son and his son have been through a ton of hurt, no issues things don’t work out, my son has never been happier since met you, he was good on his own, but you’ve brought out better out of him too”.  She said “that makes me smile, touches my heart like nothing ever, I love your son”.   Needless to say my dad is pissed.  Plus my dad knows I’d take her back in heartbeat right now. And he doesn’t like seen me hurt.  Thanks for letting me share that.   

 

[Marc878]

A hopium addiction is the last thing you need. Sounds like you have one growing.

I love her so she just has to love me too. Nope, they sure don’t.

You’ll learn that there is no one and only soulmate. There are many who could fit that bill.

[ExpatInItaly]

Next time, OP, stay away from women who want to dive right into relationships and fast-forward the normal pace of getting to know you. 

You can see now why it's nearly always a sign of trouble ahead. 

[JayWay]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Next time, OP, stay away from women who want to dive right into relationships and fast-forward the normal pace of getting to know you. 

You can see now why it's nearly always a sign of trouble ahead. 

I understand.  I met with my counselor today. She really believes she (current ex) has borderline personality disorder.  She said the extreme lovebombing, manipulations, promises, her erratic behavior when she called it off by not bringing me all my stuff and her leaving her few pairs shoes here, all classic signs.  She also said I need to be on guard because people that typically have it, will come back at some point. Might be for money, sex, comfort, etc, but it’s not as real to her as she makes it to be. It’s real to me and she said it happens a lot after being involved with soemone that has that, it twists and confuses my mind constantly thinking about it and how none of it makes sense.  She asked me questions about her past history and it was really strange the similar lineage to BPD.  My ex did tell me couple years ago her doctor felt had maybe something going on mentally.  If she does, I pray she gets help. My counselor said the behavior gets worse as person gets older and they end up living in state of non reality.  She also said don’t be surprised if she made up things to her family about why she parted from you.  They always need attention on them at expense of hurting others.  She said at times they realize they’ve done wrong, but usually not until something very bad happens.  Wanted to share as it does seem to make sense.  Counselor said it’s very easy to be conned by that person, and other person just shuts off at moments notice.   Which is my situation.  She said the grass is always greener with them, until it’s not and that’s usually when they seek out someone they know is there. In my case, me. I made clear to her I’m always here for her, and when texted her I miss her, and really don’t get what I meant to her, though what she said was real, and there’s still stuff I would like back - Counselor said she thrives on that.  She said me going completely dark on her is a must.  She also said no matter how long relationship was, it can cause serious PTSD where person feels lien they need to apologize for things that they never did. Such as me how I feel.  She also said they love drama so much that when ignored, they seek attention from everybody. She also said she probably wasn’t kicked out her parents house, she probably left on her own to create attention and used me when I opened home to her.  Which is pure sick.  But I’m moron that fell for her.  Unreal.  I wish I never texted her the couple times.  It just confirmed to her that she always knows I’ll be here and someone like that craves knowing it.  

[JRabbit]

On 12/27/2020 at 3:09 PM, JayWay said:

we basically shoved a 2 yr relationship into 3 months

I'm sorry this happened but this is a huge red flag.  Taking time to develop a relationship gives a much better chance of longevity.   This should also be a consideration when you have children involved. Not fair to them.

[JayWay]

1 hour ago, JRabbit said:

I'm sorry this happened but this is a huge red flag.  Taking time to develop a relationship gives a much better chance of longevity.   This should also be a consideration when you have children involved. Not fair to them.

Totally agree.  She said she wanted something serious. I told her me too, let’s let it develop.  We fell hard for each other. Or at Least I did by everything she told me.  She wasn’t seen her kids much.  She has some issues with her ex. I pushed her to get back with her kids.  Trust me, kids are priority. I was one that mainly would slow things up.  When I say shoved I mean the emotional bonding and things shared and said was very hot and heavy right off bat.  I would always tell her neither can get hurt because of our kids.  She then told me she was living out of her car and was kicked out of her parents house. So, I opened my home to her. I shielded son from that.  Problem became, she started new job, got her kids more and said she was overwhelmed needed time to figure out if she can juggle our relationship.  I told her we can back off some no biggie parents with kids might go couple weeks not seen each other with kids. She said she doesn’t think that way and cut it off cold turkey out of the blue.  Really hurtful actually. But she did not come before my son. Seems for past year and half she wasn’t around her kids much.  Family issues and such.  Really seems I was used.  My counselor feels she’ll try to come back but my guard is up. I kept telling her we can’t either get hurt with kids and even though we’ve fallen hard, it’s ok we slow down. She didn’t want to hear that.   It’s very confusing knowing the entire situation. And yes, it’s not fair to kids or either one of us. Nothing wrong with falling hard, it’s just when all the physical and emotional intimacy is deep like that moreso that quickly, that’s what I mean about shoving 2 years into 3 months.  I never met her kids although she pushed me too the first month we were together. I had strong boundary with my son as well.  It bothered her, but we got through that.  So now, this out of The blue is strange and heartbreaking. Talking texting everyday and seen each other a lot then this.  

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, JayWay said:

Totally agree.  She said she wanted something serious. I told her me too, let’s let it develop.  We fell hard for each other. Or at Least I did by everything she told me.  She wasn’t seen her kids much.  She has some issues with her ex. I pushed her to get back with her kids.  Trust me, kids are priority.

When you have to push a parent to see their own children, my dude, you're dating a crappy mother. 

You need to start reframing these things and see them for the major character flaws that they really are. 

[JRabbit]

 

17 hours ago, JayWay said:

 We fell hard for each other. Or at Least I did by everything she told me.  She wasn’t seen her kids much.  She has some issues with her ex. I pushed her to get back with her kids.  Trust me, kids are priority. I was one that mainly would slow things up.  When I say shoved I mean the emotional bonding and things shared and said was very hot and heavy right off bat.  I would always tell her neither can get hurt because of our kids.  She then told me she was living out of her car and was kicked out of her parents house. So, I opened my home to her. I shielded son from that.  Problem became, she started new job, got her kids more and said she was overwhelmed needed time to figure out if she can juggle our relationship.

I completely understand what you are saying and where you are coming from, but these are all red flags.  I have been through it too, but now thanks to therapy and books, learning, I have learned to recognize these things. 

[Acacia98]

On 1/3/2021 at 2:59 PM, Wiseman2 said:

It's ego tripping and convincing herself what a wonderful, awesome and compassionate dumper she is.🙄

Yes, your basic rubbish communication. 

😆 I've never thought about it this way before, but it sure makes sense.

[tart6245]

I promise you in time, things will get better and you will find clarity. I am about 2 weeks out of my breakup and I can already tell you I am feeling better and starting to understand the issues we had that were not entirely my fault. Often, when we get dumped, the dumper places all the blame at our feet. If only we had to make X mistakes, we'd still be together, yet they fail to understand that they, too, had many issues they refused or failed to address. It was easier to just abandon the relationship in hopes of finding something more perfect that more than likely does not exist. 

You will start to rebuild your self-respect and understand that you are worth something and they are the ones that let something good go. I've been the dumper and the dumpee, but none of my exes have ever gotten married or had children up until now. That says something. Perhaps I was not as bad as those who left me said I was. 

[JayWay]

2 hours ago, tarheelian said:

I promise you in time, things will get better and you will find clarity. I am about 2 weeks out of my breakup and I can already tell you I am feeling better and starting to understand the issues we had that were not entirely my fault. Often, when we get dumped, the dumper places all the blame at our feet. If only we had to make X mistakes, we'd still be together, yet they fail to understand that they, too, had many issues they refused or failed to address. It was easier to just abandon the relationship in hopes of finding something more perfect that more than likely does not exist. 

You will start to rebuild your self-respect and understand that you are worth something and they are the ones that let something good go. I've been the dumper and the dumpee, but none of my exes have ever gotten married or had children up until now. That says something. Perhaps I was not as bad as those who left me said I was. 

I agree. I was feeling better past day or so. Really after my therapy session and my therapist said she feels my ex has borderline disorder.  Not like that makes me happy. Just helps make more sense of her abrupt breakup and dynamics behind it.  Yes, there are red flags. Sadly, I’m very forgiving guy, very understanding and empathetic. So, I tend to work through things.  
 

But as therapist told me “her lying off bat about her divorce being final simply because she felt embarrassed or scared to tell you is a red flag and not acceptable. You can let that slide, but then lies about living with parents then tells you she’s living in car which you then open your home to her, then find out her parents kicked her out, that’s major issue. She also had guy texting her that she gave number too because she felt you weren’t paying enough attention to her?  That’s garbage. You opened home. That’s a ton of attention.  Seems she used you big time, and in moment she felt strongly for you but someone like her always needs attention. She likes drama. Which concerns me because I feel she’ll try to come back to you in some capicity as you are a comfort supply for her and she knows it. She’s gone back to exes before and at some point whoever else she dates will not wanna date her with all her baggage when it’s discovered. That’s where I think she will try to get back in your life and you’ve got to value yourself more and not allow it. She can change, but she needs tons of help. And I know you, you would take her back this second because your emotional and it’s understandable.  Be very careful. She was told couple years back she has bipolar. It’s more textbook borderline.  And when suffer from that, they need attention badly at certain points. She knows she’ll get it from you, which is why she is keeping you hanging on in limbo. She doesn’t want you right now, but she doesn’t want you to go away either. I’ve seen this many times. Exes like that always try to reappear.  It’s ironic she told you don’t disappear. It’s ironic she brought your stuff back but not your favorite T-shirt and your aviator glasses and ironic she left few pairs of her shoes smack in front of your dresser. Not too mention leaving her blow dryer there.  She seems she thrives on being chased. Ironic she told you she’s not blocking you and you don’t block her.  Think about all that for second. I don’t care if you smothered her some and acted little needy. She lied. Trust is earned back. When it got little tense and stressful with kids and work and you, she cut you out quickly. But, when she was down in dumps, you had her back.  When she smothers you, you don’t bolt like her. It’s textbook borderline. They start hot and heavy, then they freak out almost convinced you’ll leave or she’ll leave eventually and they just disappear.  Again, ironic she made clear for you not to disappear.  She thanked you few times how if she never met you she would still be spiraling out of control and she’s never met someone like you and she couldn’t be happier.  Then, she bailed suddenly.  I have feeling she will regret it big time. I see it as blessing in disguise and I know that doesn’t make you feel better.  Just zero contact her on your end.  Keep guard up. I’ve seen this before.” 

When therapist said all that it really opened my eyes. Doesn’t take hurt away. Because what I feel is legit, genuine and not just in moment.  It’s still is just so strange to me.  But not strange to my therapist.  

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, JayWay said:

Because what I feel is legit, genuine and not just in moment.  It’s still is just so strange to me.  But not strange to my therapist.  

And not to me either, but only because I experienced this with the ex-boyfriend I mentioned before. 

That's what we're trying to warn you about. We've seen what's around the corner with people like this, and it's not Happily Ever After. It's chaos. It's stretches of "happiness" punctuated by uncertainty, pain, and dramatic turnarounds. It's you never knowing which way the wind will blow, and when the next downfall will happen. It's you trying to make sense of the nonsensical and going mental in the process. 

In short? It's not worth it, because you won't get your happy ending with her anyway. And  you will have wasted too much time and emotional energy on a lost cause of a relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, JayWay said:

 When therapist said all that it really opened my eyes. 

Excellent. Keep in mind intensity is not intimacy.

This was more like a hurricane blowing through your life. Intense engaging leaving a trail of wherefore and whys? Sure.

Was the intensity real? Sure.

Next time keep the focus on you in therapy. 

Yes a therapist can make educated guesses on the "whys" like a climatologist can make educated guesses about hurricanes.

The important thing is not speculation about her mental state or naming hurricanes.

It's learning about yourself and staying out of the line of fire next time rather than running headlong into it.

 

[JayWay]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And not to me either, but only because I experienced this with the ex-boyfriend I mentioned before. 

That's what we're trying to warn you about. We've seen what's around the corner with people like this, and it's not Happily Ever After. It's chaos. It's stretches of "happiness" punctuated by uncertainty, pain, and dramatic turnarounds. It's you never knowing which way the wind will blow, and when the next downfall will happen. It's you trying to make sense of the nonsensical and going mental in the process. 

In short? It's not worth it, because you won't get your happy ending with her anyway. And  you will have wasted too much time and emotional energy on a lost cause of a relationship. 

Well put. It’s strange people can dip out quick, then try and pop back into your life almost like it’s all good, let’s give another round of it. Be it as friends, for physical reasons, rekindling, etc. In my current state there’s no way I could say no. Which therapist said “you’re aware of that, which is good step to getting to place where you can say NO.  But, I’ve seen it many times.  When a man or woman are emotionally comforting and giving constantly to another, the other person knows it. Be very careful.  It’s is nuts how person can lovebomb and such, so intensely and it feels “real”.  Then it apparently abruptly isn't. Until it is again.  Guards up”.  I’m listening to therapist as much as can.   

[Negotaurus]

"Her, her, her". It's all about her in your posts. At the end of the day, what good does it do for you to dissect every word she's said and every thing she's done. We all know the need to do it, the need to "understand" and "make sense of it", but my friend, you are wasting your time. When I went to my therapist and wanted to rant about my ex, she immediately shut me off and made me focus on myself. Why, because that's helpful. If your therapist allows you to only rant about her and speculate, then something is not right. 

You cannot see into her mind. Stop guessing. No answer will please you, every single one brings up more questions and "what ifs". Your ex won't grant you her honesty either. So what is there left to do? You have to focus on YOU. Don't simply talk about improving and getting better, do it. Stop acting like the world spins around her, it really doesn't. And eventually you will see that. You will most likely also be angry for how she's treated you, for how she's been playing and fooling you. And you'll also be angry at yourself for allowing it. 

Feel the emotions that you have, and accept them. Let them be there, recognise them, but when it comes to the "why", "what if", don't entertain any of it. It takes you nowhere. It doesn't even take you a step back, no, it just keeps you still in a limbo. You have the facts - she left you, is stringing you along and throwing out an occasional breadcrumb that took her no more than 5 seconds. Every coward wants to stomp on someone else's feelings so they can land back on them when needed. Is that really the type of person you want to lose sleep over?

It's clear she won't help you reach peace, who will?

Edited January 7, 2021 by Negotaurus