Bartram115 Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 I am a 50 something year old man. I am married 20+ years with two adult children. Both of my kids are not speaking to me because they are aware that I had an affair. I was separated from my wife for 8 months. I was very lonely. So I reunited with my wife, not telling the woman with whom I am having the affair. Now I cannot decide what to do next. I cannot continue this mess that I have created for myself. I believe I love the other woman... but that is very emotional .... not very pragmatic.... my wife and I are not intimate nor do we relate as husband and wife..... but it is a safe relationship that will help me re-establish a relationship with my kids... Please advise.. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 Sounds like you need to make a decision and quick. I doubt your reconciled wife or your kids would be happy to find you are still seeing your OW, and if your OW finds out you have reconciled with your wife, God knows what she may do to your happy little family reunion... a woman scorned and all that... The reconciliation with their mother may bring your kids round, but it may not, you still cheated... Decide what you want to do and just do it. If you hesitate here you could lose all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bartram115 Posted December 27, 2020 Author Share Posted December 27, 2020 Thanks Elaine. I am frozen - and am thinking that is what may need to happen... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 Many many people who chose to cheat instead of trying to fix problems in their marriage or just get a divorce are actually conflict avoidant. Instead of confronting their wife and saying this is not working lets see a counsellor or an attorney or both... they instead choose to pursue another women or take the cute girl in accounts up on her offer. They end up damaging their wife and their OW, they dilly and dally, they are leaving then they are not. They hang around not making any decisions and hoping decisions will be made for them... Sounds like here you are willing to leave it to Fate, even if it means all is lost... If you love this woman then choose her, if you want to remain married then choose your wife, if you want to leave them all to it and go live in Alaska or spend your life helping the homeless or playing guitar in a band... then do that. But I doubt you will be truly happy if you just give up... Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 (edited) 20 hours ago, Bartram115 said: . I am married 20+ years with two adult children. Both of my kids are not speaking to me because they are aware that I had an affair. Do your kids live at home? Not much you can do to change their minds. On another note . Do you think it's fair to your young adult children to drag them into your marital problems and affairs, no less try to convince them that betraying their mother is ok because you are in separate bedrooms? Dragging kids into this and expecting them to take sides, understand or be impartial is taking away from their primary business of being young adults. If you and your wife have issues, you'll have to consult an attorney and most of all a therapist before you do more damage to your wife and kids. Edited December 28, 2020 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bartram115 Posted December 28, 2020 Author Share Posted December 28, 2020 Spot on Elaine. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 Damned it you do, damned if you don't. Yes, a decision needs to be made. You're not happy with your wife and there's no sex, and you're only using her to try to reestablish a relationship with your kids - which probably won't work as the damage has been done (probably most of it long before the affair). In the long run, you'll probably be happier and healthier divorcing your wife and seeing where things go with the other woman - or someone else entirely. Your kids may eventually come around, but all you can do there is keep reaching out to them whatever path you take otherwise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumaza Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 Your priority is your family.Not the other women. Apologize to your kids and tell them you and their mom need to figure it out .Apologize to your wife to.Buy big roses. Then seek therapy and let your wife know you wanna figure it out with her true therapy ,ask what she think and feel and if she wants to figure it out with you and wanna stay married, what ever that means. Eventhou the kids are hurt.They need to see that you and their mom is one relationship.And you and them is a other relationship.And not involved and cut you of and be one sided. Or try to have a say what she or you need to do with your marraige. And be honest during therapy.Let her know what you miss etc.And try to work it out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bartram115 Posted January 6, 2021 Author Share Posted January 6, 2021 I very much appreciate your replies. Both of my kids chose to visit me during the holidays. I am blessed. I have a therapist and am trying to work through my personal issues. I have joined a support group through emotions anonymous. I still have not found the courage to address my emotional affair with my wife. She does not want to do couples counseling - although I feel that lately she's been more relaxed in talking about the possibility. What I am learning is that the person who I am not attracted to is me.... Anyone in this time of Covid is simply a bandaid... a way to distract me from myself.... Again - thank you all for your replies.... 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 If you re-unite with your wife, are you prepared to give up all other women, forever, emotionally and otherwise? Or do you think you'd slide back into another affair in the future? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 No you don't keep your marriage. It's over between you and your wife. Your kids need to realize that this happens in marriages. The affair thing, it's cowardly in a sense you couldn't just step up and ask for a divorce proper. You owe it to you and your wife to separate instead of living a lie/ leading her on. Whether you love the other women or not is mute. That's a whole separate thing. This about you, your marriage, and your family. It's a mess now, but in time, it will pass. Just get on with it so you can get on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 (edited) On 1/6/2021 at 10:51 AM, Bartram115 said: Both of my kids chose to visit me during the holidays. I would respectfully suggest that your kids will come around if you are respectful to them and your mother, if you accept responsibility for your actions and apologize for the hurt that you have caused, if you are honest about your feelings and your intentions (regardless of how difficult that is, because it will be difficult), and if you give them time to heal and adapt to the trauma that has been inflicted on your family. Don’t get me wrong, it could be a VERY long time before your kids come around and truthfully, depending on how you handle the situation and their own personal skills/resiliency, they may never come around. They will never forget, it will change how they look at you and the relationship they have with you... but, they could learn to forgive and your relationships could actually grow closer in spite of this... It’s possible, but it will almost entirely depend on how you chose to handle yourself during this time of crisis and whether you have the ability to humble yourself and are willing to put in the work to heal the relationships/rebuild the trust. That burden falls to you, not your children. One word of caution about the OW - anybody looks more appealing when they are standing on the other side of the fence. You know, the grass is greener syndrome... What you have shared with this woman whether you realize it or not is a fantastical escape... You have not necessary argued with her about who is responsible for the dishes, or negotiated bill payments, or had to visit her crazy family... In all honesty, you can’t actually assess whether you “love” her or whether she would be a good relationship partner for you in the context of your marriage. Compared to the daily drudgery of a long term marriage and the fact that your wife feels so hurt and neglected by you that she can’t even stand to talk to you at this moment... almost anyone would look like a better partner. Don’t confuse love with “an affair.” Lots of people leave their marriages only to discover that the same daily monotony, conflict, communication problems, and other things follow them to the new relationship - except then, you have the stress of an angry ex wife, unhappy children, the financial and legal reality of divorce, and a partner who shares none of your history, who you don’t know well, and don’t actually love that much once the excitement of the affair is gone. There was a post here once - a letter written by a betrayed wife to the affair partner/OW - it was insightful. It talked about how unfair the situation was, how the wife couldn’t possibly compete with the affair partner and how that felt. It really highlights the fact that a spouse in a long term marriage can not even begin to compete with the novelty, excitement, and heightened feelings/emotion of an affair. Does anyone have the link? That said, the worst thing you could do would be to come and go from your marriage. You need to make a decision and deal with the consequences. If you don’t love your wife anymore and you are both not completely committed to reconciliation, don’t stay in your marriage. You owe it to your wife to be honest and divorce. Staying may well be the more “comfortable” and “safer” choice but it is also the unhealthiest and unhappiest choice. Glad to hear you are getting some counselling. Probably the best decision you have made all along... Edited January 7, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
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