Husband being mean to mother?

[Carinna]

I’d appreciate some input about whether I’m being unreasonable or not. My husband’s family have a history of acting superior and making rude comments about my mum. She has a learning disability and can’t read, often pronounces words wrongly and misunderstands things. They were making sneery comments and laughing at her. Due to this behaviour my mum has no contact with them and I limit my contact to the occasional family visit where I’m civil but nothing more. 
 

At Christmas it was just us and my mum. I caught my husband making a note on his phone of a word she mispronounced. I saw he’d made several notes about things she’d said earlier in the day, mistakes he found funny. I figured he was intending to report back to his family all the stupid things my mum had said so they could laugh at her. I found this disgusting so we had a huge argument after my mum left.

He insists he just made a note of something he found funny and there’s nothing wrong with that. I said why would you make a note unless to laugh about it with someone later? He said he hasn’t told any of his family and it was actually me he intended to mention it to. I said wtf makes you think I’d want to laugh about words my mum can’t pronounce because of her learning disability? It’s pure bullying. 
 

So now he’s stormed off saying I’m being ridiculous and overreacting, and it’s not bullying or nasty, all he did was make a note about something he found funny. He’s clearly not sorry. But who the hell makes written notes about mistakes a learning disabled person has made?! Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable here or if I’m right to think he’s a horrible person. Because he’s saying I’m overreacting and his behaviour was fine. 

[Gaeta]

I would never EVER be with a man that laughs at my mother!!!! This would absolutely kill all the love I may  have for him! I don't understand how you can endure this and keep on loving this man and let him touch you! I'm telling you, it would kill everything for me. I'd be done with him. 

[Watercolors]

I’m sure your husband has some redeeming qualities, OP. But he sounds like a bully, who comes from a family of bullies. 
Look at the way he responded to you setting appropriate boundaries with him. You told him that his actions hurt your feelings. Instead of validating your hurt response with a real apology and deleting the phone note with the word, he gaslighted you because in his mind, he’s right and you’re wrong. In his mind, you have no right to ever feel hurt by his actions and so he will punish you with gaslighting and passive aggressive silent treatment (stomping off). He is very immature. And, he will not change. He was like this when you just dated him. 

He sounds like a horrible person. I think your only recourse is to continue to consistently set boundaries with him like you did at Christmas. Just don’t respond to his gaslighting anymore. You have to grey rock him. Grey rock is a psychological term for not reacting. Just keep setting boundaries with him, he’ll respond by gaslighting you (“you’re overreacting!” Or “you’re wrong!”) and then passive aggressively respond (storming off). 

I don’t think marriage counseling is the answer, since this is who he is at his core. I think you need to evaluate if he is someone you can stay married to, b/this is literally how he is, and how his family are, and how he will always treat you. 

[Ruby_Red]

That’s sad. How can you still respect him? I’m assuming your Mum is a good mother to you, and a decent&kind human being. He did something wrong, and then he’s the one storming out? He could’ve at least listened to you, and tried to understand that his behavior was not ok and how it hurt you. I would have a very tough time with his attitude. Please don’t let it slide. You need to defend your mother. This is all about loyalty and protecting a loved one, basically. He needs to understand that, and apologize. 

[Carinna]

So you agree that his behaviour was wrong and not normal? Because he’s saying it’s fine to make a note of something he thinks is funny and I’m ridiculous for kicking up a fuss. 

[Ruby_Red]

I think you’re right and he’s wrong. Especially because it bothers you, and he knows it. And his arrogant family bothers you too, for that exact reason. He should respect that. It’s different if there’s a quirky family member that everybody’s making fun of and it’s the running joke in the family, and the “targeted” family member doesn’t care and laughs along with it. That would be some good natured family fun and innocent humor, but if they do it behind your mum’s back, knowing she’s got a learning disability - completely different ballgame ..... NOT OK!!

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Carinna said:

At Christmas it was just us and my mum. I caught my husband making a note on his phone of a word she mispronounced. I said wtf makes you think I’d want to laugh about words my mum can’t pronounce because of her learning disability? It’s pure bullying. 
 

So now he’s stormed off saying I’m being ridiculous and overreacting, and it’s not bullying or nasty, all he did was make a note about something he found funny. 

Sorry this happened. Trust your instincts. It's nasty and bullying. Humor at her expense is not funny. How does he treat you, btw?

[Millennial]

Have no idea how you'd stay with someone who is disrespectful of your family, and therefore disrespectful of you.

Never been around anyone before to my knowledge who makes notes in their phone about someone struggling with some sort of speech impediment. I find that strongly dislikable behaviour (putting it mild).

[elaine567]

My guess he and his family are actually getting at you, through your mother.
As your husband and as an empathetic human being, he should be on you and your mother's side.
He knows she has a learning disability, so it is all rather cruel to make fun of her.
He seems oblivious to the fact all this is hurting you, so it may just be, it is deliberate.

[ShyViolet]

Laughing and making fun of a person with a learning disability?  That shows that he is a person of poor character.  As others have said, he's nothing more than a bully.  How could you be with a person like that?  This would be grounds for breaking up in my book.

[Watercolors]

5 hours ago, Carinna said:

So you agree that his behaviour was wrong and not normal? Because he’s saying it’s fine to make a note of something he thinks is funny and I’m ridiculous for kicking up a fuss. 

He is intentionally gaslighting you, b/c at the end of the day, he has no respect for your feelings or what you think. He is targeting your mother because to him (a bully), she is an easy target due to her learning disability. So, when you defend your sweet mum, this infuriates your husband because it shows him that you are strong, and that you love your mum, and that you won’t let him or his family mock her. He doesn’t like that. Bullies are insecure at their core, and when confronted, they get more aggressive. 

It is NOT fine to make a note of something he thinks is funny and you are not ridiculous for kicking up a fuss. He is a bully, plain and simple. How you responded to his bullying your mum was appropriate. You need to continue to stand up for yourself with him. Was he this way when you dated? I assume that he was. 

What are you going to do form this point forward when he and his family mock your mum? 

[Lotsgoingon]

Sorry to hear this. 

Note: you had the right to raise holy hell with his family. I don't care how much you "love" him. Someone comes at your mother, it's time to take a stand--not just to limit contact. But to literally tell them do find their behavior rude and insulting and you kick them out of your house. 

Husband apparently doesn't know how toxic and F-ed up is family is. He needed to take a stand against them as well. 

The offense isn't this latest thing. The offense starts with his entire family. I can tell you haven't stepped up to them because hubby is throwing his tantrum and got you on the defensive. Hubby should be on the defensive--not you.