Feeling Foolish - I was Just an Affair (Lied To)

[Search4twinflame]

In hindsight, I feel so dumb.  I don't understand why she did what she did though.  I was basically just an affair, when I was being reassured time and time again nothing was going on between them anymore.  It's a long story, but to cover the basics...

I met this woman back in 2018.  I was dating a woman who was an ex of her boyfriend at the time (currently, her husband).  My then girlfriend and her boyfriend still shared a house together for financial reasons, but it had been over for a long time.  However, while I knew the two of them dated, this woman (let's call her Tracy) was lied to by both of them and told they were only roommates.  It was weird.  I only met her once, then we didn't talk again until she reached out to me in late 2019.

Tracy reached out because she found out not only that her boyfriend had dated that "roommate" from back then, but that he was flirting with multiple women behind her back the whole time they were dating.  Since she thought I might be able to fill in the gaps of what she knew, she reached out to me on Facebook.  I told her the cheating was the same reason all women break up with him, that many of the women she was mentioning were the same ones that my ex he dated mentioned, and that he was a seriously messed up individual with absolutely no empathy.  Tracy said she was supposed to be marrying him and was trying to find an out.  He supposedly got her to quit her job and she has two kids, so she was financially dependent on him.  She was freaking out and desperately looking for a job.  At least that's what she claimed.

Then, Tracy just disappeared.  I figured she just got the info from me that she wanted, so that was it.  Months later, I went to check out her FB profile out of curiosity.  Turned out she married him.  I figured she was foolish enough to forgive him, so it was her problem now.  At least I did my part.

Around September of this year, about six months or so after we stopped talking, she reached out to me again.  She told me she married him because she didn't know what else to do because she couldn't find a job and didn't want to end up on the streets with her kids.  She said she found out he was STILL talking to those women and was 100% done with him and looking for jobs again.

After about a month or so of talking, she asked me to take her out for her birthday, as he supposedly had no plans for her and "made her cut off all her friends" according to her.  So, I took her out, things ended up happening, then we were left wondering where things go from there.

I tried to leave things open for what she wanted between us.  She was VERY fickle, but eventually told me she wanted a future with me, kept assuring me nothing was going on between them, and even at one point flat out told me she loved me!  She kept pursuing me and assuring me she was trying to get out of that situation as quickly as she could and build a future with me.

Shortly before Christmas (the weekend before), she cancelled us meeting up that weekend.  I could tell things were odd, as she got distant.  Her grandmother supposedly had a heart attack the day before we were supposed to see each other.  While it's a VERY long story, to sum it up, I later found out her grandmother was perfectly fine and never ended up in the hospital.  It was all lies.  Even before I knew it was lies, she was being sketchy, but refused to tell me what was really going on, no matter how much I pleaded with her because of the pain it was causing me being left in the dark.  She just kept asking me to see her face to face for a date on Monday so she could give me my Christmas gift.  It was so odd - and like she just expected me to drop it all like nothing happened.  My best guess was that her husband had a surprise for her that weekend for Christmas - either a getaway together, or just wanted time with her that weekend for Christmas together (since she would be with her family on Christmas itself).  I assume that's why she kept holding off seeing me until that Monday.  She chose to lie about her grandma instead of just coming clean.

When it became clear to her that I wasn't going to drop it all, she then ghosted on me.  On Monday morning, she text me "Omg I just found out my grandmother died" and that was the last I heard from her.  I have no doubt it was about her husband, that things weren't entirely done there, and there were other warning signs that whole time too.  I was naive enough to believe her when she kept assuring me they were done and she is trying to get him out asap.  She even told me her daughter came crying to her one day about how much she hates her husband and is miserable with him there.  Even SHE asked her to kick him out.  But again, I don't really know what I can trust with her now.  I mean what kind of person lies about their grandmother dying?!

I guess she decided to give him another chance again.  Or maybe, she never did end things with him, and I was just an affair she was lying to the whole time.  But why tell me she loved me?  I didn't tell her first, she told me first.  And why keep saying you want a future with me?  She said I was "so much more than a FWB" time and time again.  I don't get why she did that.  Was it just a fun fantasy to her?  A sick game?  So much I'm left in the dark about. 

I know, try to keep my mind off her.  It's just hard.  We had talked off and on for over a year, and I thought after all the BS her and I had been through together in past relationships, surely she wouldn't do the same to me.  But, she did worse than most of the ones in my past did.  I just don't get it.  And for a man her kids supposedly hate, who is boring, who has cheated multiple times already, who is horrible sexually, all so that she can be lazy and not work?  I mean probably more than that, but still, I just don't get it.

I feel so gullible, so used, so worthless.  I was just something fun for her to use on the side.  But, when it got too hard to keep playing me, just cuts me off with absolutely no regard for my feelings.  And the lies.  That's what hurts most.  She knew honesty was the most important thing to me in a relationship.  And lying about a dying/dead grandmother, that's just really twisted.

I haven't dated much at all this year since a bad dating experience I had earlier this year.  I'm just so jaded on dating.  It's one disaster after another and I have no idea why.  This one really takes the cake though.  I thought we were building a friendship based on trust and understanding of one another.  It's such a betrayal on top of heartbreak to me, and I just don't get the "why" on her part.  She could've just as easily said we will just be FWB until she gets out of that house and away from her husband.  She had no reason to lie to me.  I'm just so broken and feel like I can't trust anyone.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. It's a new year so put it behind you in the dating disasters folder.

It's a valuable lesson in getting to know someone by spending roughly an equal amount of time at each other's homes.

It's also an excellent lesson in avoiding people still stuck in messy divorces, relationships,etc.

So in summary, date people free and clear of entanglement drama and don't invest in them until you are sure of their living arrangements.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, I hope you can see the parallels between you and Tracy. I'm not trying to be harsh but want you to see this from a different perspective.

The parallel is that she is catering to [her husband] an insensitive human being who apparently doesn't treat her or anyone well.

You are catering to [Tracy] an insensitive human being who doesn't treat you or others well.

Take all the mistakes you see her making in her relationship with her husband (e.g. concessions, appeasements), and see that you are behaving towards her the way you perceive she is behaving towards him. That should help you find your way at least a little.

Oh, and definitely stay away from her. She's using you because she thinks she can. Only you can make that not so. Remember it's not a reflection on you or your worth, but a reflection on her behavior and choices. Right now you're thinking "what's it about him that she thinks more valuable than you?" In time, you'll see that's not at all what this is about. 

[Search4twinflame]

On 12/28/2020 at 12:49 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It's a new year so put it behind you in the dating disasters folder.

It's a valuable lesson in getting to know someone by spending roughly an equal amount of time at each other's homes.

It's also an excellent lesson in avoiding people still stuck in messy divorces, relationships,etc.

So in summary, date people free and clear of entanglement drama and don't invest in them until you are sure of their living arrangements.

Thanks for the feedback.  The only reason things happened is because of how long I knew her and I felt her and I could strongly relate to one another.  I never imagined I would end myself up in a situation like this.

As time went on, I had more and more suspicions that things weren't done between the two of them.  But, I also didn't understand why she would lie to me about all the things she did.  I guess it was just a fantasy she was enjoying and the lies were a part of the fantasy.  The fantasy seemed to matter more to her than my (or anyone else's) feelings.

Lesson learned for sure.  Still hurts though.

[Search4twinflame]

15 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

OP, I hope you can see the parallels between you and Tracy. I'm not trying to be harsh but want you to see this from a different perspective.

The parallel is that she is catering to [her husband] an insensitive human being who apparently doesn't treat her or anyone well.

You are catering to [Tracy] an insensitive human being who doesn't treat you or others well.

Take all the mistakes you see her making in her relationship with her husband (e.g. concessions, appeasements), and see that you are behaving towards her the way you perceive she is behaving towards him. That should help you find your way at least a little.

Oh, and definitely stay away from her. She's using you because she thinks she can. Only you can make that not so. Remember it's not a reflection on you or your worth, but a reflection on her behavior and choices. Right now you're thinking "what's it about him that she thinks more valuable than you?" In time, you'll see that's not at all what this is about. 

I don't see that as harsh at all and truly appreciate your feedback on it from another perspective.  You actually have a really good point there.

And now that her husband knows there was an affair, I don't see her ever reaching out to me, especially considering when he reached out to me directly, I gave him multiple sources of proof.  Even gave him the dates of when she booked a hotel reservation in both our names.  So, she won't be lying her way out of that one.  Regardless, it doesn't matter to me what goes on between them anymore.  I know I need to 100% detach and never speak to her again.

And I know it's not necessarily that he is more "valuable."  I know I will never fully understand what is going through her head.  I am sure some of it is the financial dependence.  I'm sure another part of it is her missing what she saw when she fell in love with him, and not having fully realized yet that it wasn't real.  I'm also sure some is fear of change, fear of the unknown, and a number of other things.  I overthink everything, so I am trying to avoid thinking too much into it.  I'm trying to just take the lessons away from it, which is that I had lots of red flags as time went on, and that in hindsight, this shouldn't be shocking.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I get the overthinking part. I'm a member of the same club. It's ok though...it's part of your way to process it. I think it was really good of you to give him an honest account. 

Other than that, I hope one slight adjustment for you...

You say you don't see her ever reaching out to you again. I hope that changes to you saying, "I've decided I never want to hear from her again and I'm taking steps to ensure all avenues for that are closed to her."

You're a good guy, OP. Everything will work out for you in the long run. Keep the faith.

[Search4twinflame]

On 12/29/2020 at 8:53 PM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I get the overthinking part. I'm a member of the same club. It's ok though...it's part of your way to process it. I think it was really good of you to give him an honest account. 

Other than that, I hope one slight adjustment for you...

You say you don't see her ever reaching out to you again. I hope that changes to you saying, "I've decided I never want to hear from her again and I'm taking steps to ensure all avenues for that are closed to her."

You're a good guy, OP. Everything will work out for you in the long run. Keep the faith.

I just wanted to tell you, you are very insightful and have been extremely helpful to me.  I really appreciate that.

And as far as what you said about hearing from her, you are right, it would be ideal for that to change to me not ever wanting to hear from her again.  The thing that sucks is I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss her at this point.  But, I am adamant about resisting the urge to reach out to her.  She made her choice.

I don't know what she's up to, but I know she is still peeping on me online.  I'm just ignoring it and working on moving past it all emotionally.  It's just really hard.  She's the first woman that I thought I had actual chemistry with in about two years now.  I really thought she could've been "the one."  In hindsight, I know it was very naive now, but when she was with me, things were so amazing, and she was always sending me tons of messages all morning, noon, and night about how much she loved me, wanted a future with me, etc.  But, seems it was all just a fantasy to her that helped her escape.  But at the end of the day, she chose to lie to me.  God only knows what really went on that weekend, but if it wasn't about her husband, then it must've been some other guy. 

What I don't get is I do know she talked to a divorce attorney not that long ago, as she even sent me a copy of the e-mail from the attorney about everything.  She also told me her kids hate her husband, and that her own daughter confronted her one night about how emotionally distraught she has been since the two of them have been together.  I don't see why she would've lied about that, and it seemed like after that, it strengthened her resolve to find a job and boot him out (which is exactly what her daughter asked her to do).  She even told her kid's father that she was divorcing her husband and she sent me the screenshot back from that about how her ex hates him too and supported it.  Just really weird that it seemed like she was actually trying to leave him, but then lied to be and seems to be sticking it out.  No clue what changed all that.

I would honestly be VERY surprised if she didn't leave him eventually, but I know even if she does, after this, I can't give her another chance.  I would never trust her.  The lying and ghosting was way too much.  I mean lying about a dying/dead grandmother?!  And the extent she went to with her lies about it was HUGE.

I try to keep my mind off her, and have even gotten back into dating to try to help move on.  I just never had someone tell me all the things she was telling me and then just screw me over and ghost like that.  It's a real mindf*ck and I'm finding it very difficult to fully move past her.  It sucks.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 1/6/2021 at 9:21 PM, Search4twinflame said:

The thing that sucks is I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss her at this point.  But, I am adamant about resisting the urge to reach out to her. 

Feeling this is totally normal. The urge will die if you stay the course. It's tough but ultimately better for you. 

On 1/6/2021 at 9:21 PM, Search4twinflame said:

What I don't get is I do know she talked to a divorce attorney not that long ago, as she even sent me a copy of the e-mail from the attorney about everything.  She also told me her kids hate her husband, and that her own daughter confronted her one night about how emotionally distraught she has been since the two of them have been together.  I don't see why she would've lied about that, and it seemed like after that, it strengthened her resolve to find a job and boot him out (which is exactly what her daughter asked her to do).  She even told her kid's father that she was divorcing her husband and she sent me the screenshot back from that about how her ex hates him too and supported it.  Just really weird that it seemed like she was actually trying to leave him, but then lied to be and seems to be sticking it out

I met xMM in late 2015. I first went no contact in late 2016. It felt like a soul tear (really thought he was my twin flame...maybe was/is but I've since accepted that doesn't guarantee coming together with a happy ending).  Had a conversation with him in mid-2018 wherein he told me he genuinely considered leaving his marriage for me in 2016.  That was the first time he ever told me that. 

Since then, his words about that have crept into my mind a few times...but I've ALWAYS reminded myself it doesn't matter. Why? Because he is still married. Still there. I think you get my point.

This is a golden opportunity for you to take care of you. The love you gave to her, give it back to yourself now.  All the things you wanted to give to her, give to yourself. That way you will be whole and better for a woman who is truly in a position to share what you have with true appreciation and abandon, without limitations and restrictions. That is what you deserve.  I'm sure you learned a lot. Time to keep moving forward. It gets easier. 💜