Disappointed at my family for their lack of support during my breakup

[Gaeta]

My close relationship with my parents and siblings is among what I am the most proud of and thankful for. We've supported each other through separations, financial defeats, illnesses. 

The discover of my ex-bf's cheating and our breakup was a shock to everyone. He was considered and treated as a full member of my family. One of my brothers even wanted to get in business together, my brother only had praise for him, how he was a hard worker and highly skilled in his field. 

On December 5th I told my family our relationship was over and everything that had happened. 

I have 3 siblings and only the one that was suppose to get in business with my ex has shown support. In the past 3 weeks I got no calls, no text from my 2 other siblings. My youngest brother sends me tons of pictures of his toddler and baby but never ask how I am doing, and the oldest brother  has been completely silent. 

What has hurt me the most is my mother's silent. Her and I use to text several times a week, almost daily and she has called me ONCE in 3 weeks to see how I am doing. And she starts the call with *doing anything good these days?*, I replied: mom, I'm heartbroken, I cry when I get up and I cry when I go to bed, no I am not doing anything good. Wouldn't that tell you that your daughter is going through some tough time? ...she did not call or text since.

Sometimes I feel like telling them I would really appreciate if they were more present for me 😞  It's not because I am the oldest of the family and considered strong that I don't need support and encouragement!

[stillafool]

I think you should tell them you need their support right now because you're struggling.  They probably consider you the strong one being the oldest and are thinking this just rolled off your back.  Talk to them.  (((HUGS)))

[Taramere]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

My close relationship with my parents and siblings is among what I am the most proud of and thankful for. We've supported each other through separations, financial defeats, illnesses. ..

Sometimes I feel like telling them I would really appreciate if they were more present for me 😞  It's not because I am the oldest of the family and considered strong that I don't need support and encouragement!

Hugs.  Family can sometimes be disappointing in terms of supporting you when you need it, and it can be pretty damn hurtful.  Especially if they've always had your support without having to even think of asking you for it.  

[elaine567]

I guess they are perhaps somewhat embarrassed and maybe even disappointed that the guy they thought was so upright and a really good bloke turned out to be such a rotter.
Guys will sometimes take a guy's side in a cheating scenario too.
And mothers can be very critical of their daughters. She is maybe unfairly blaming you for it all going pear-shaped.. or she feels a bit out of her depth in this situation. What can she do? What can she really say? and is thus avoiding you. She maybe can't bear seeing you so hurt.

[Alpacalia]

We don't always have the satisfaction of understanding why people who are important to us don't turn up for us.

Maybe this can be an opportunity for you to be your own champion and say "Mom, I am really hurting, and I could really benefit from some emotional support right now."

[Ruby_Red]

It’s heartbreaking when you’re almost neglected because you’re the oldest and “strongest”. - just understand that they don’t mean it that way. They don’t mean to dismiss your feelings, they just think that you’re perfectly capable of dealing with whatever you’re going through. By yourself. And while they’re probably wrong, because you definitely want some support from your family, don’t hold it against them. I’m sure they mean well. They just feel uncomfortable talking about it, because they might think that it would hurt you even more. It must be very painful to feel like they are supporting all the other family members in a different way than they’re supporting you, but I’m sure they’re acting that way because they don’t want to “interfere”, or maybe they don’t know how else to act. 
Big hugs!!!!!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Hopefully they are simply at a loss for words. Sometimes people don't know what to say to support/console people, and perhaps more so, fear saying the 'wrong" thing.

[FudgeSwirl]

Sometimes people's perception of how to handle others in a time of crisis differs than what we had in mind.  Sometimes in a situation where somebody is hurt, people think that giving her person space is the best course of action while others are the type that would check in.  Others do what one of your brothers is doing which is distract the hurting party with something happy like pictures of children or even funny memes.   It produces that trap of disappointment when we do not get what we expected out of our family and friends, but I agree that it is okay to tell them what kind of support you need.   Since they really liked this ex-boyfriend I am sure they are hurt by his deception though at a lesser degree than you of course and do care about you.  It's also possible that they do not know what to say to make you feel better.  When you tell them the kind of support you need, remind them that even though you are a strong person you still need them more than anything to get through this.

[Ruby_Red]

@FudgeSwirl Yea!! This 👍🏻👆🏼👆🏼

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling supported. I think it's a good idea to ask directly for what you need.

I've found that most people don't know what to do or say at times like these. I have one friend who's really good at it, one or two more who are OK. 

How are you doing?

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

How are you doing?

Thank you for asking. Today is a bad day. 

I have good days and bad days. My bad days are never about the same thing. Sometimes it's sadness, other times it's feeling betrayed, other days is missing him. Today is feeling betrayed and feeling a fool for giving him all of my trust.

[Miss Spider]

I am sorry that you are struggling so much right now, Gaeta. I wish your friends and family were more supportive

Edited December 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby_Red]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Thank you for asking. Today is a bad day. 

I have good days and bad days. My bad days are never about the same thing. Sometimes it's sadness, other times it's feeling betrayed, other days is missing him. Today is feeling betrayed and feeling a fool for giving him all of my trust.

It’s probably a case of general depression over the breakup in particular,  plus everything else that is so prevalent during the holidays. It’ll be one of those “everything mixed together like a big black sad stew” of everything that’s been difficult for a while. I feel for you!!

[notbroken]

Most people just don't know how to respond when someone they know suffers a loss.  It isn't because they don't care about you or the situation.   I got a divorce 10 years ago.  Most of my friends and family just weren't there for the hard times.   It wasn't that they didn't want to help me.  It was because they just didn't know how to help.   Call your family and tell them you just want to talk (when you do).  Reach out to them.   Use this as a learning experience and 'be there' next time one of your friends goes through something similar.   A few years after my divorce I dropped everything and went and visited a divorcing friend and told him everything I had learned over a long weekend.  Spread the wisdom you learn when the time is right. 

[introverted1]

I'm sorry to hear this, Gaeta.  I can only say that, if you appear to your family as you do here, they probably think you have it all under control. Strength is a positive character trait and I think those who have less of it don't understand that those with strength have just as many deep emotions as everyone else; they just do a better job of getting on with what has to be gotten on with.

This is a terrible time of year for a breakup.  I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. 

[mark clemson]

Probably time to ping some friends to provide emotional support if family doesn't seem to be able to right now...

[Ruby Slippers]

The emotional cycles are normal. I agree that emotions are brought to the forefront during holiday times. Right now most of us have more time to rest and reflect on the good, the bad, and the ugly. Time helps.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sorry to hear this. Families can be weird about dating. And though they love you, they may not feel like they have the verbal and social skills to say the right think to you or to just listen and be supportive.

So sorry to hear of your sense of missing support.

I would say call the individuals you want to talk to. Tell them "Hey, I need to talk to you about X. It's important." You want them to carve out time and attention for you. 

I remember calling my brother when my ex and I were divorcing. I was crying, sobbing. I wanted the divorce because our relationship was just toxic x 10. But I was grieving the loss of my hopes with this woman. My brother didn't really know what to say. I have learned a lot since then. And these days, I'd straight up tell him what I need in terms of support.

Lots of people are just lost when it comes to consoling others, about breakups, about illness, about death as well. 

[Cersei]

Hi. So sorry to hear you are struggling.

Most people don't want to hear from someone "I'm crying, I'm sad , im upset, etc" because thery don't know what to say. It's not because they don't care. It just feels awkward for them. Don't be afraid to reach out to them. But maybe tell them you need to vent. That way they know they just need to listen.

It will take a lot of time but eventually it will become less painful.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm so sorry to read about your not feeling supported by your family, Gaeta. 

And I agree with all those who are posting that your family doesn't know what to say. I would imagine that it's possible your mother in particular has a hard time calling because she wants so badly to relieve your pain but feels helpless to do so.

A child of mine went through a divorce a couple years ago and it was brutal to walk through it with them. I felt helpless, powerless and frustrated that I couldn't change things for them.. I'm sure I said a lot of the same things repetitively. But, mainly just being there was what they needed.

So maybe tell your mother that you don't expect her to relieve your pain but just need her to listen and also need to hear her voice saying anything at all. Or whatever else it is you need. Be as specific as you can. Such as, you just need her to call and ask how you are, then listen.

Btw, are you getting your sleep, eating well, able to go about your routine and accomplish things? Possibly you have time off during the holidays?  Tell us more about how you're feeling about things in general if you're up to it.

Edited December 29, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Btw, are you getting your sleep, eating well, able to go about your routine and accomplish things? Possibly you have time off during the holidays?  Tell us more about how you're feeling about things in general if you're up to it.

I will write to my mother tonight.

As I write this, our receptionist who's on vacation just text me words of encouragement out of the blue. How nice is that!  while I have to prompt my mother to show a bit of kindness. 

I am on top of things, I work from home until Jan 11th, I cook, clean, walk the dog, everything gets done. I started to sleep through the night again. I just suffer in silence when kiddo is not looking. On the 24th I drove to my brother (3km) to drop my nephew's Xmas gift (9  yo). I started crying half way there, by the time I parked in the driveway I was crying out of control. It was the first time I was seeing my brother face to face since my separation and too many happy memories of ex-bf and I being there.

I feel like a food, such a fool and I feel I brought this upon myself by giving him all of my trust / at the same time I am  broken that he's not in my life anymore / and at the same time I am mad & hurt that he could just turn around so easily and never look back. 

 

[MsJayne]

So sorry to hear that's happened to you Gaeta, especially at Christmas. Maybe your fam aren't taking it seriously enough and think that you may get back together with your now-ex, so aren't reacting appropriately.  Sending some positive vibes your way  

[Ruby_Red]

It’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong! You’re not a fool! 

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I will write to my mother tonight.

As I write this, our receptionist who's on vacation just text me words of encouragement out of the blue. How nice is that!  while I have to prompt my mother to show a bit of kindness. 

I am on top of things, I work from home until Jan 11th, I cook, clean, walk the dog, everything gets done. I started to sleep through the night again. I just suffer in silence when kiddo is not looking. On the 24th I drove to my brother (3km) to drop my nephew's Xmas gift (9  yo). I started crying half way there, by the time I parked in the driveway I was crying out of control. It was the first time I was seeing my brother face to face since my separation and too many happy memories of ex-bf and I being there.

I feel like a food, such a fool and I feel I brought this upon myself by giving him all of my trust / at the same time I am  broken that he's not in my life anymore / and at the same time I am mad & hurt that he could just turn around so easily and never look back. 

 

It's really good to read that you're going to write to your mother tonight, Gaeta! Way to go!

I'm impressed with the way you're handling this and I believe others on LS reading your story are, too!

Many people wouldn't be able to keep up on cooking, cleaning and getting things done but you are!

So glad to read you're sleeping through the night again, too! If you can get your sleep it helps so much to be able to cope with life in general but esp with a trial of this magnitude! Keep up the good work on all fronts but if you need some time to put your feet up and relax, do pamper yourself, too! It won't hurt to take some long hot bubble baths with candlelight, buy yourself something special, or whatever floats your boat!

I'm so glad to read you had a good cry that got out of control! The out-of-control ones are the best, imo; so cleansing! I have heard there is something in a person's tears that actually helps with emotional pain. I'd have to look into (internet search) it to be sure it's true, though.

Was your brother able to comfort you? At least with a hug?

You may feel like a fool but those feelings are lying to you! You're anything but a fool! You're a courageous woman who gave your heart to a man she fell in love with! That's a brave and good thing to do.  Your ex is the one who is a fool. Those who've read your threads and story can see this clearly!

I believe he's probably realized what a fool he is and that is one reason he seems to be not looking back. I don't believe it's easy for him to be without you but he's shown he is a coward by the way he's handled his life with you, rather than trying to solve his issues in a mature way. So, knowing he looks the fool he doesn't want to face you. He is guilt ridden but trying to cover it up by trying to run away from it rather than dealing with it in a healthy way.

I believe he respects you and knows you deserve someone better than he is. And that's true!

[FMW]

13 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

You're a courageous woman who gave your heart to a man she fell in love with! That's a brave and good thing to do. 

Exactly!  You know how to love fully and deeply, and even more importantly, you are willing to put yourself out there and do it.  That's a beautiful thing.

I very much doubt he's turned around easily and that he's not looking back.  All you know is that he's not reaching out to you right now.  He's likely embarrassed about what he did and knows there is no way he can make up for it.  He doesn't want to come face to face with that or see the hurt he's caused.  I'm sure he's very aware of what he's lost in you, and he's not going to stop thinking about that any time soon.